Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Anxiety about having a disabled child. Anyone else have this? Can you put a baby in care?

53 replies

Bolaflower · 04/02/2023 18:43

I have anxiety and depression I overthink everything. If you have a disabled child are you able to put the baby In care?

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis60 · 04/02/2023 19:33

I have three dc, one of whom has ASD and another whom has ADHD. Neither of these “disabilities” would have been detected before birth, nor shortly after. I adore my boys and they are no less worthy of my time, care, love etc then my neurotypical dd!
Id approach your midwife about a referral to the perinatal mental health team. There will be one in your local area and they will be able to help you with your anxiety and catastrophising. I am a mental health nurse (not in perinatal) and it’s clear to me that you are struggling. That’s ok, but what wouldn’t be ok would be to not seek help for this.

WorriedaboutThe · 04/02/2023 19:33

OP I hope you are ok? Are you currently pregnant?
i think your concern is valid and you are clearly stressed about it.

I think that this is a similar thing to if a woman wanted to abort a baby with health conditions - you age every right to make a decision that would be right for you. The fact you are considering putting a potentially disabled baby into care shows that you are looking at all your options if it were to happen and absolutely social services would help you and support you and place baby with a loving foster carer. It’s a hard subject to talk about but an important one if you have these worries. It’s a very personal decision and only you know if you’d be able to cope or not and if you can’t then you are a caring mother to look at the available safe options for your child

Can you access support from the gp or midwife?

vintagechristmas · 04/02/2023 19:35

GentlySobbing · 04/02/2023 19:22

And if I seem emotional about this, it is because I am disabled and I live with the daily reality of being treated as of lessor worth.

Goodness me @GentlySobbing you are no less. I'm sorry some of the world has made you feel that way. My little boy was born perfectly healthy and is autistic. I knew nothing about the struggles of those with a disability until I had him. He is the most perfect and amazing human I have ever met. I also work with children who have disabilities... also the most amazing people. I want you to know that's not how everyone sees you Flowers

Original poster
Bolaflower · 04/02/2023 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am full of hormones it is nothing against you. I do not know you from adam

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:35

No problem but it might help to break it down. Is there a condition (or conditions) you are specifically worried about? Has something happened IRL to spook you, for example has a friend had a disabled child? Have you been reading lots of mumsnet threads about disabled children and now it seems very common?

purpledalmation · 04/02/2023 19:36

Yea, this does happen. It's called adoption. If you feel it's for the best contacts an adoption agency, but tell your midwife how you feel first. There may be help which means this step isn't necessarily

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:38

The issue is this thread will now be flooded with replies from parents of disabled children so it will make it seem even more likely, if that makes sense…

Original poster
Bolaflower · 04/02/2023 19:38

WorriedaboutThe · 04/02/2023 19:33

OP I hope you are ok? Are you currently pregnant?
i think your concern is valid and you are clearly stressed about it.

I think that this is a similar thing to if a woman wanted to abort a baby with health conditions - you age every right to make a decision that would be right for you. The fact you are considering putting a potentially disabled baby into care shows that you are looking at all your options if it were to happen and absolutely social services would help you and support you and place baby with a loving foster carer. It’s a hard subject to talk about but an important one if you have these worries. It’s a very personal decision and only you know if you’d be able to cope or not and if you can’t then you are a caring mother to look at the available safe options for your child

Can you access support from the gp or midwife?

Thank you I am just looking at all options rather be prepared and knowledgeable than ill informed

OP posts:
MistyFrequencies · 04/02/2023 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This. 100%.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 04/02/2023 19:42

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:31

Oh stop it.

OP is a pregnant woman and full of irrational fears about the future. I was too. The babies will arrive, she will love them and things will be fine.

Whatever she thinks or does is not a judgement of your child, entirely separate issues.

Show quote history

She judges people with impairments, does she not? Disablement is actually a social concept. Developed by society toward people with impairments. Wonder how that happened.

HerrenaHarridan · 04/02/2023 19:42

My dd was diagnosed with a disability that most abort for while pregnant.

Shes 11 now and the sharpest, sweetest kid I have ever met. Yes, she has some challenges other kids do not.

After learning why we are the only non-catholics in the disability specific support groups she actually thanked me for not aborting her. It broke my heart.

You can have a perfectly healthy newborn who sustains life changing injuries. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Would you say that to desperate parents of aggressive, non-sleeping kids who post on here asking if residential care is an option because after years they can’t take it any more?

Twizbe · 04/02/2023 19:42

OP have you spoke to your midwife about your anxiety.

The thing with anxiety is that it's always looking for a home. Even if we reassure you all day, your anxiety isn't listening.

If it does listen and you feel better about this. Your anxiety will just find a new home.

Please talk to your midwife about how you're feeling. There's lots of support out there.

Also scroll past any post saying you're wrong or evil or anything like that.

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:43

EmilyGilmoresSass · 04/02/2023 19:42

She judges people with impairments, does she not? Disablement is actually a social concept. Developed by society toward people with impairments. Wonder how that happened.

Show quote history

No she does not. She’s just fearful that she personally wouldn’t cope with such a thing. You are projecting her fear onto your own life and children.

SnackyOnassis · 04/02/2023 19:43

Bolaflower · 04/02/2023 19:32

Glad you understand it's not easy to have a conversation like this. Everyone on the post judging if it was a clear-cut answer there wouldn't be specific exceptions to abort foetuses with ds.

Show quote history

It's not clear cut for anyone, OP.
But having a hard line before knowing if there any risks to your pregnancy and wanting to know if you can opt out of raising the child if it doesn't meet your expectations is a hard attitude for people to accept, particularly people who are living with disabilities themselves.

For us, when it comes to the genetic screening tests during pregnancy, we believe we could raise a child with Downs Syndrome to live a full, happy and healthy life. Edwards and Patau's however, as far as I understand, are a different story in terms of the quality of the child's life as few children make it to birth or very far beyond it, so if our NIPT test comes back with high markers for those genetic conditions then we would want to consider our options.
It comes down to the quality of the life of the child for us - we've done a lot of thinking, talking and planning so we know what we're able for.

You haven't given any reason for why you wouldn't want to raise a disabled child so it's hard for people to understand where you're coming from.

Cuppasoupmonster · 04/02/2023 19:43

I agree @Twizbe

hiredandsqueak · 04/02/2023 19:43

You could have a baby and discover at two that they have a disability as I did. What would you do then? There are no guarantees, there could be developmental difficulties, they could have an accident that leaves them disabled, they could have a cataostrophic response to a childhood illness or immunisation and become disabled. For me, I wasn't expecting to have a child with a disability but I love my child and I know that the best place for them to be is with their family that love them. I think that as there aren't any guarantees then you should seriously reconsider plans for children because it seems pretty callous to say you only want a non disabled child and would look to move on any child with a disability.

Cuckoosheep · 04/02/2023 19:44

Hi OP, when I had my dc I considered and was scared of most things with my pregnancies (i had multiple miscarriages and an ectopic). When I was pregnant with my second ds I didn't have the ds check, id decided that whatever happened I'd love my child. I'd never considered or thought about severe autism, what that means and the impact on everyone not to mention the fights fir support, education etc.

It is really really hard but I wouldn't and couldn't give my son up. That being said we do have respite and have been offered (not taking up on as yet) fostering for a break. So there are differing levels of support available even where children are severely disabled.

Yes, you can ultimately give up your child if you want to. There are options and help available as alternatives too.

What I'm probably trying badly to say is you may not even know at birth if your child is disabled so it isn't aways as clear cut. Whatever happens there are more options than just giving them up and there is support.

Twizbe · 04/02/2023 19:45

@op you're going to get so many responses on here from disabled people and parents of disabled people saying you're wrong.

To those posters, please read the OP carefully before responding. This isn't about you, your children, their right to life, who they / you are, anything like that.

lauryloo · 04/02/2023 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

purpledalmation · 04/02/2023 19:51

Quite honestly if you have this much crippling fear and anxiety, pregnancy is not your best option, unless you are already pregnant?

PennyRa · 04/02/2023 19:56

There is a disproportionate amount of disabled children in care precisely because the parents can't handle them.

Sometimes it's the right thing to do.

I know how hard it is to raise a disabled child, however it's something I handle well. Others on the other hand would never ever even cope just babysitting my child.

feellikeanalien · 04/02/2023 20:00

OP I think you really need to speak to your midwife or GP about this. If you have got to the stage of thinking of putting your child into care then you really need to talk to someone about this.

Pregnancy can be a very worrying time for some people, particularly if you do suffer from anxiety. Has something specific happened to make you think like this?

Before I became pregnant with DD I thought I would never be able to cope with a disabled child but I do. I love DD to bits but it's not easy and I understand that not everyone would be able to cope. I wouldn't make any judgement of you but I think you do need professional help to deal with this.

Wishing you all the best.

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2023 20:09

HerrenaHarridan · 04/02/2023 19:42

My dd was diagnosed with a disability that most abort for while pregnant.

Shes 11 now and the sharpest, sweetest kid I have ever met. Yes, she has some challenges other kids do not.

After learning why we are the only non-catholics in the disability specific support groups she actually thanked me for not aborting her. It broke my heart.

You can have a perfectly healthy newborn who sustains life changing injuries. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

@HerrenaHarridan Flowers for you and your daughter, she sounds lovely.

olderthanyouthink · 04/02/2023 21:09

Technically yes, but you may not know the extent of their needs till you're quite attached to them. Might be 6 months or a few years or a decade or more, it's nearly impossible to give up someone you have poured love into even if you're very worn out.