three last names between two of us - what should be call our baby?

[Misha1998]

My partner has two last names (not hyphenated) as he has split parents, and I have one last name. We are due our first baby in May, and we are not married and don't plan to!

To use all 3 surnames for the baby would be excessive and pass a problem onto her too when she has kids. How can we solve this problem??!

@NalaNana very true!! I’m not sure what happened to ‘be kind’! And now because of my views (or some other, unknown reason) I’m now going to end up as a single mum with 2 kids by 2 dads and all having different surnames! Nope! The reason my child will have my partners surname is because a) that’s what I believe in and b) because I don’t ever see us splitting up (I know no one ever does see it)
In my tiny, worthless opinion, not giving your child their dads surname suggests that the family may split up, not something I’d be planning for! If it happens, it happens; and for the childs sake we stay amicable, and then who cares what surname the child has, as long as it’s loved by (hopefully) 2 parents!

Statistically unmarried parents are more likely to split up than unmarried parents. That’s not to say that all marriages are good or that many aren’t staying together for the children, but on numbers alone there is a difference in outcome. I wouldn’t have worded it in the way the previous poster did to you, but please don’t deploy ‘be kind’ because posters have disagreed with you. I can only speak for myself but none of my comments have been personal attacks on you or anyone else. I just find it an interesting development in society and I personally do wonder why so many women want to start a family without a commitment. This site is littered with women who relied on a partner’s love as sufficient commitment to rely on them and find themselves in dire straits when the relationship ends. I think it suits many more men than it does women and that above all is my primary interest, not moralising.

@Eyerollcentral no, I get that your posts weren’t attacks on me, in fact I have found some very insightful! I do think other posters have been a bit harsh, and yes I think we all need to be kinder. Telling someone they’re likely to end up a lone parent because they’re not married is not kind. There are many reasons why I am not married, which I will not go into; but it does not mean the love between me and my partner is any less than couples that are married….you only have to look at the divorce rate in this country to tell you that 😉

I totally get all that. Love is not enough to make any relationship work, that’s the reality, it’s takes work and commitment. My only concern is that being an unmarried parent deprives women of the easiest means of giving them some security at a time in their lives when they are likely to need the support of a partner especially when the children are young. I think a lot of men are being let off the hook very easily and I don’t think that’s good for women or their children.

To be fair, unmarried couples in the UK are approx 5 times more likely to separate when their children are under 16 than married couples are. But this may be correlation rather than causation.

The fact is that we live in a male-dominated society in which men hold most of the power.

Marriage provides women who are taking the risks and career damage of pregnancy, childbirth and raising young children with a safety net and legal and financial protections.

Men seem to have pulled off a very impressive feat of convincing women that they don't need to bother with those 'traditions' which give them real protection and long-term security (e.g. getting married), but insist on continuing those 'traditions' which make them feel like Billy Big Bollocks (e.g. naming the children after him).

There is NO tradition in the UK in which babies do not share a surname with their mothers. Not until the last couple of decades, anyway.

‘Men seem to have pulled off a very impressive feat of convincing women that they don't need to bother with those 'traditions' which give them real protection and long-term security (e.g. getting married), but insist on continuing those 'traditions' which make them feel like Billy Big Bollocks (e.g. naming the children after him).’
This.

I think it depends how long you have been together?

Me and Dp not married but we planned too and Covid stopped that and now I'm not sure if we will- not because we are not committed but after our IVF journey to have our little one ( currently 30 weeks pregnant) I think I'd rather use the money if we wanted to add to our family.

We have been together over 12 years been through a lot own a house and are totally committed I know him inside out and trust that he will support our child not matter what our relationship.

Our baby will have his surname if we are definitely not getting married I will change mine by deed poll for £42.

Have you considered taking his name? Would you take one or both names.
What does your DP think? Would he like to give your child one or both names of his?

@Houseelf90 , I didn't mean to imply that being unmarried meant you personally would become a lone parent. What I meant is that statistically, married or unmarried, we are all quite likely to become lone parents.

As mothers are far more likely to be resident parent in a split, it makes much more sense for children to have their mother's name.

You can get married for about £200. Gives you and your baby security and protection. You can always have the big party later when you have more spare cash.

The Relationships board here, as well as my real-life experience, is full of women who trusted their partners inside and out and got massively fucked over as a result.

You can't be particularly "old fashioned" if you intend to have a child without being married. And if you intend to give the child their father's name. Traditionally children always had their mother's surname, it's just that usually mothers had taken their husband's surname after getting married.

@BloodAndFire
I can support the baby myself if needs be and if he choose not to be in their life that's what I would do. However everything we own is joint and under civil law everything would therefore be halved