three last names between two of us - what should be call our baby?

[Misha1998]

My partner has two last names (not hyphenated) as he has split parents, and I have one last name. We are due our first baby in May, and we are not married and don't plan to!

To use all 3 surnames for the baby would be excessive and pass a problem onto her too when she has kids. How can we solve this problem??!

[BloodAndFire]

@JG24

Why would we need to be married to double barrel our names?
If that was what I wanted I would have already done that, married or not
I dislike my partners name, and after the response from his misogynistic dad I have no intention of using it myself

Then ffs don't give it to your child.

You dislike the name, so does he, you dislike his family (rightly so from what you've said), so why would you give your child that name? And not yours, or a new one?

[DorisParchment]

Balonz. You should call your baby Balonz.

[BloodAndFire]

@JG24

The best option! Annoyingly my partner has been convinced by his family,
I'm not sure how much of it is just fear of falling out with them

Neither his family nor him can dictate to you what name you give your baby.

Realistically, you're not married, which means that when it comes to naming the baby, you hold ALL the cards.

You can register the baby without him there. He can't do it without you.

I'm not suggesting that you actually do it behind his back, but it might not be a bad idea to make sure that he is quite clear that you do have the option of doing this.

It might seem trivial but it's not really. You're setting out on your new life as a family. Start as you mean to go on... by not letting his horrible family control all three of you.

[JG24]

@BloodAndFire

Then ffs don't give it to your child.

You dislike the name, so does he, you dislike his family (rightly so from what you've said), so why would you give your child that name? And not yours, or a new one?

Sorry probably not explaining myself very well
Partner now wants to make sure his name is used after his dad kicked off. Annoying but I can't exactly argue with that (well I've tried but not got anywhere!).
So I'll keep my name, partner will keep his, baby will be double barrelled

Only decision i'm making is as I dislike both our names and together they sound dreadful , I may change my own surname to something new
Then the baby will double barrel my new name and my partners existing name

[Emmamoo89]

@Houseelf90

Personally I would give your baby your DP’s surname but looks like that’s an unpopular opinion 🤷‍♀️
Or alternatively hyphenate your surname with one of DP’s surnames (I would go with DP’s dads surname unless it really doesn’t go with yours)
But then I’m quite old fashioned and think that children should carry on their fathers family name!

I’m not married and my child will have my partners surname, no question about it!

Dw I'm the same. My son has his dad's name and we're not married

[Houseelf90]

Thank you @Emmamoo89….just because I like the tradition of baby having dads name, doesn’t mean I agree with all traditions such as marriage before children! Of course in an ideal, perfect world that would have been my choice but life doesn’t always pan out that way does it!
OP asked for opinions; I gave mine but suddenly I must be wrong because I’m against the grain!

[LaLuz7]

@Emmamoo89

Dw I'm the same. My son has his dad's name and we're not married

That's like letting the lazy team-mate put their name on the school project and get all the credit, when you did all the work. I don't get it.

Men who care about the tradition of forwarding their family name should also follow tradition and start an actual family via marriage first.

[BloodAndFire]

@JG24

Sorry probably not explaining myself very well
Partner now wants to make sure his name is used after his dad kicked off. Annoying but I can't exactly argue with that (well I've tried but not got anywhere!).
So I'll keep my name, partner will keep his, baby will be double barrelled

Only decision i'm making is as I dislike both our names and together they sound dreadful , I may change my own surname to something new
Then the baby will double barrel my new name and my partners existing name

That's what we did (kept our own names and double barrelled the kids).

In practice people refer to us as a family using the double barrelled version.

I wasn't too keen on it at first but it has grown on me, and it's preferable to either of us being erased.

[BloodAndFire]

@LaLuz7

That's like letting the lazy team-mate put their name on the school project and get all the credit, when you did all the work. I don't get it.

Men who care about the tradition of forwarding their family name should also follow tradition and start an actual family via marriage first.

It's amazing, isn't it, how selective these men are about which traditions are IMPORTANT and MUST BE OBSERVED (the ones which give them an ego boost), while blatantly ignoring all of the ones which inconvenience them or commit them to anything.

And also amazing how many women go along with it.

[Velvian]

@Houseelf90 , it is traditional for babies to have their mother's last name. It is true though that traditionally the mothers were married to the fathers and had taken their name.

It is highly likely that you will end up a lone parent raising a child with a different name to you. Also not unusual for more than one relationship to fail and find yourself with 2 or more children with different names to each other and you.

DP's dad has no say in the matter@Misha1998@Misha1998

[Eyerollcentral]

@Houseelf90

Thank you @Emmamoo89….just because I like the tradition of baby having dads name, doesn’t mean I agree with all traditions such as marriage before children! Of course in an ideal, perfect world that would have been my choice but life doesn’t always pan out that way does it!
OP asked for opinions; I gave mine but suddenly I must be wrong because I’m against the grain!

I didn’t say you were wrong in your view. I just asked you to consider why this was a tradition you thought you should continue in your own life with your own child when it was not in the traditional context of being married. You might say I just like it but many would say it’s based on a patriarchal view, so deeply entrenched in our society that you fail to recognise it, that a baby is the father’s child, that’s why he has his surname. Your name is erased. It echoes a time when children who were born out of wedlock were deemed to be ‘without a name’ because their surname was their mother’s.

[Velvian]

Sorry, meant to tag @JG24 , major tagging fail. 😅

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Baby gets your surname. Problem solved.

[Eyerollcentral]

@BloodAndFire

It's amazing, isn't it, how selective these men are about which traditions are IMPORTANT and MUST BE OBSERVED (the ones which give them an ego boost), while blatantly ignoring all of the ones which inconvenience them or commit them to anything.

And also amazing how many women go along with it.

Yes, I am taken aback that so many women have accepted this state of affairs.

[LaLuz7]

You go through the pain and discomfort of pregnancy, you push a baby out of your vagina in horrifying agony or undergo major surgery, you deal with the hormonal effect on mental health, you see your body changed maybe irreversibly, you'll be the one raising the baby alone when DP walks out

Yet somehow your man who graced you with 3 minutes of mediocre sex and an ejaculation gets all the credit for the baby?

Naaaaah sisters. Wake up...

[Houseelf90]

@Velvian I’m intrigued to know why I am likely to become a lone parent just because my child will have its fathers name 🤣🤣 (fwiw we will marry in the future). Also; unlikely I will end up with 2 children by 2 dads given that this child will be my one and only child! But thanks for saving me money on a clairvoyant!

[laptop3000]

I didn't even consider giving my children my last name, was always going to be my partners.

Likewise when we get married next month i will take my partners name, haven't even thought about any other option

[NalaNana]

@Houseelf90 for what it's worth I also like the idea of passing my fiancé's name to our child and have never been bothered about passing mine down. I think because there is a societal expectation for children to have their father's name, it would upset his family if we didn't. Likewise, there is no similar expectation from my family. My fiancé's father passed away years ago so will never meet the child, for me that makes it even more significant for baby to have his surname, and I'm not a fan of double barrelling.

There's been some judgemental comments on here about having children before marriage. There are many reasons why that might happen, it isn't just because the father doesn't care enough and wants to commit to the child only, or the father is some kind of misogynist who tricks us into it by fancying some traditions and not others.

For us, we had an accidental pregnancy which was ectopic. We didn't know if it would cause an issue for future pregnancies or if we would need to go down the IVF route as the NHS don't carry out investigations. We decided to try for our family straight away to give us plenty of time, whilst we planned our dream wedding.

[Velvian]

@Houseelf90 , you're likely to become a lone parent whether your child has your last name or not.

[Squamata]

I'm a feminist. However my second name is my father's second name. I could use my mother's second name, but it's her father's second name. A trail of fathers stretching right back.

I don't really see how giving your kid the mother's name is such a hammer blow against the patrarchy.

I gave my kids their father's second name because it sounded better, you're choosing between two patriarchal heirlooms. It's also much more common than mine and I like the idea of online anonymity. It's never bothered me that they have a different second name to me.

[BloodAndFire]

@Squamata

I'm a feminist. However my second name is my father's second name. I could use my mother's second name, but it's her father's second name. A trail of fathers stretching right back.

I don't really see how giving your kid the mother's name is such a hammer blow against the patrarchy.

I gave my kids their father's second name because it sounded better, you're choosing between two patriarchal heirlooms. It's also much more common than mine and I like the idea of online anonymity. It's never bothered me that they have a different second name to me.

Hang on, why is your partner's name his own, but yours is your father's?

I'm confused.

[Squamata]

@BloodAndFire

Hang on, why is your partner's name his own, but yours is your father's?

I'm confused.

They're both our fathers'. I don't see using his as wiping out my family history.

[BloodAndFire]

@Squamata

They're both our fathers'. I don't see using his as wiping out my family history.

Why is it your father's? Surely it's your father's father's, isn't it? Or hang on.. it's his father's, right?

How far back do you have to go before you find someone whose name is actually theirs?

[ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave]

@JG24

Sorry probably not explaining myself very well
Partner now wants to make sure his name is used after his dad kicked off. Annoying but I can't exactly argue with that (well I've tried but not got anywhere!).
So I'll keep my name, partner will keep his, baby will be double barrelled

Only decision i'm making is as I dislike both our names and together they sound dreadful , I may change my own surname to something new
Then the baby will double barrel my new name and my partners existing name

Why do his wishes (which aren't his wishes but those of his misogynistic father) override yours?

Why do you seem to think it's normal and okay that he won't discuss it?

Don't saddle your kid with a double barrelled name because your wet husband can't stand up to his father.

[Eyerollcentral]

@NalaNana

@Houseelf90 for what it's worth I also like the idea of passing my fiancé's name to our child and have never been bothered about passing mine down. I think because there is a societal expectation for children to have their father's name, it would upset his family if we didn't. Likewise, there is no similar expectation from my family. My fiancé's father passed away years ago so will never meet the child, for me that makes it even more significant for baby to have his surname, and I'm not a fan of double barrelling.

There's been some judgemental comments on here about having children before marriage. There are many reasons why that might happen, it isn't just because the father doesn't care enough and wants to commit to the child only, or the father is some kind of misogynist who tricks us into it by fancying some traditions and not others.

For us, we had an accidental pregnancy which was ectopic. We didn't know if it would cause an issue for future pregnancies or if we would need to go down the IVF route as the NHS don't carry out investigations. We decided to try for our family straight away to give us plenty of time, whilst we planned our dream wedding.

I’m not being judgmental about people not being married when starting a family and you don’t have to explain your circumstances for anyone. However I would point out you are engaged and planning a wedding. That’s a commitment. What I have said is that a lot of women seem to be willing to agree to have families and plan them with their partner, give the children the father’s name without any commitment from the father to the mother other than I’ll live with you. I don’t think that’s a fair exchange and I think overwhelmingly it puts women at a disadvantage. I think men have managed to move the goal posts in terms of what is expected of them and they have achieved this because women accept this in numbers that even 20 years ago would have been unimaginable.
There absolutely is a societal expectation that a child will have their father’s name. That’s tied to the historical norm of being married before having a family and the patriarchal idea that the father is the head of the family which is why everyone has his name.