three last names between two of us - what should be call our baby?

[Misha1998]

My partner has two last names (not hyphenated) as he has split parents, and I have one last name. We are due our first baby in May, and we are not married and don't plan to!

To use all 3 surnames for the baby would be excessive and pass a problem onto her too when she has kids. How can we solve this problem??!

Your name for the baby.
If you get married you can all change if you wish .

In your shoes I would use my surname.

@pinkyredrose my fiancé has offered to double barrel his, and is happy for the baby to have a double barrelled name too. To be honest I just don't like them. I'll double barrel mine but only on official documents; I'll continue to be known by my current name.

My kids have DH's name as it fit better with their names, and my name as a middle name. It's a name that could be a given name (think Connor etc)

I know some couples who made a new name by splicing bits from their names, or researched their family trees to find any names in common, or just chose a new name to share. You get some unexpectedly pissy responses from family about that though, esp the man's family!

Make sure you know the legal difference between rights as an unmarried or married couple and protect yourself financially if you decide not to marry. I'm not bothered about marriage but saw it as an insurance policy plus a party.

Personally I would give your baby your DP’s surname but looks like that’s an unpopular opinion 🤷‍♀️
Or alternatively hyphenate your surname with one of DP’s surnames (I would go with DP’s dads surname unless it really doesn’t go with yours)
But then I’m quite old fashioned and think that children should carry on their fathers family name!

I’m not married and my child will have my partners surname, no question about it!

Your name.

You can't be all that old-fashioned if you had a baby out of wedlock.

DH is double barrelled (eg A-B) and I kept my name after marriage so was in the same sort position. DD and new baby have the surname Dealer-B.

Not a chance I was doing all the hard work not to have my name in there, and if we’d not been married I would have felt even more strongly about it. The name we “dropped” was MIL’s and we used her first name for DD’s middle name, although she was nonplussed about her name going anyways.

@LaLuz7 well your response tells me you want baby to have your surname so there’s your answer 😁

Internalised misogyny in action

Your name

One of yours, one of his
or do a mash up
there was no way ever my three were having DPs name and not mine.
as @TheCraicDealer said, we do all the hard work!

As you aren't married then your surname, that's the tradition as well (people think that the tradition is that babies take their fathers name but it's just that in the past the majority of mothers had married the father and already taken his name).

Oh yes @Eyerollcentral clearly hate women when I am one, just like to keep the tradition of the fathers family name going 🙄🙄 I’m entitled to my opinion and you’re entitled to yours!

@Houseelf90 please read up on internalised misogyny. The father’s name is traditionally passed on as traditionally the mother takes the father’s surname on marriage, so the child has their name. Passing on the father’s name when you aren’t married basically signals your name is less important, that you are less important. I just find it odd you like to continue the tradition without considering why it exists

@Eyerollcentral, I don’t see it that it makes my name less important though (and again that’s just my opinion) and I don’t think any of my family would expect a baby to take my name either; but that’s just how we are. We’re definitely not misogynists. If it was clear cut that baby should have mums name if not married; then the OP wouldn’t need to post. What I suspect is the situation is here is the DP wants baby to have his name, and the OP wants her name and is trying to show partner that it is very common (again that’s just a guess and my gut feeling; apologies if that’s incorrect)
Like I said in my first reply, my opinion seems to be an unpopular one; which does surprise me a little considering I know a lot of people with babies who have the dads name despite parents not being married! But you learn something new everyday and it’s obviously more common than I realised!

You're not that old fashioned if you're having kids without getting married.

@Misha1998 100% the baby should have your surname. The odds that you will be bringing your child up as a single parent are a LOT higher than the odds that your partner will do so.

You can always give your partner's surname(s) as a middle name if you like.

I would give your child your surname. If we hadn’t married before we had children then our children would have had my surname. I’m not having a different surname from my child.

Yep we got that exact pissy response from my partner's family when we told them our plan was to create a new name. Led to my current dilemma where partner has now decided his terrible surname has to be used so I can't decide whether to double barrel the baby's name which will saddle her with 2 names I don't like (mine is awful too!) or whether I change my own surname then double barrel the baby's so at least one of her surnames will be nice!

A lot of over thinking here! Why don’t you just get married and all have a double barrelled name?

3rd option, ignore his family and their pissy response and go with your original and very cool plan of inventing a new name for your family.

Why would we need to be married to double barrel our names?
If that was what I wanted I would have already done that, married or not
I dislike my partners name, and after the response from his misogynistic dad I have no intention of using it myself

Mumsnet is a really valuable resource not least because it means women can pool our experiences outside of the pressures and views of men, families etc.

Does it really surprise you that the combined life experiences of all the women on this site add up to a majority view that resists and challenges dominant patriarchal traditions?

The best option! Annoyingly my partner has been convinced by his family,
I'm not sure how much of it is just fear of falling out with them