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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Is my husband being selfish or am I being too sensitive

78 replies

Banderbear · 18/01/2023 22:45

Apologies in advance for the rant. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and have been suffering with various symptoms. The main ones are severe leg cramps that wake me up through the nights and acid reflux that means I have to sleep try to sleep sitting up. But I also have a constant crushing pain in my chest, pre-existing disc issues and the standard sore feet. I’m exhausted. Today we both had to work. When he got home I made him a snack, then turned off my programme so we could watch something together that he chose. I then cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst he relaxed on the sofa. He popped out to walk the dog but I’d also walked the dog before work. Then the football was on which I’m not a fan of but it was an important match, so I sat with him and watched it. About 15 minutes before the end of the match I asked if he would massage my feet. He didn’t answer for a while and then said ‘maybe a quick couple of minutes because I have to feed the dog’, in a way that meant he clearly didn’t want to. I pointed out the game had 15 minutes left and he said he was going to feed the dog before it ended and let him out for a wee so he could go straight to bed after. It was a very clear excuse as it takes 2 seconds to put the dog’s food down and I am often the one to let him out for his last wee. Also, there was no way he’d start sorting the dog out in the final minutes of an important game. I told him not to bother with the massage and then he got stroppy with me and said I was being manipulative. He moved away from me on the sofa for the rest of the game. Then he got into bed and went straight to sleep. He always says he wishes he could make it better for me when the pregnancy symptoms have me curled up in tears but any time I ask for anything it’s a big deal. I’ve asked less than 10 times during the pregnancy for any kind of massage and it’s been a big deal every time. The times he’s actually given me one he stops after a few minutes because he says his hands hurt. I’m so upset by his behaviour because I didn’t feel like I was asking for much and I’m so worried I’m going to be left to handle everything when the baby comes. I feel like he’s being unreasonable but I’m more emotional than usual so don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 18/01/2023 22:52

Have you asked him about this? I know your feet hurt, but perhaps feet make him feel gross. I hate feet myself. Maybe he’d feel happier Ier giving you a shoulder or scalp massage to help you relax. (It won’t help your feet, I know….) Or maybe he could organize for a professional pedicure with a massage included.

grumpycow1 · 18/01/2023 22:55

Why are you making him a snack and then dinner and washing up, when you are 29 weeks pregnant and both been at work?? Even without the pregnancy aspect this isn’t fair, household task should be shared. Also if you are asking him a basic favour like the massage and he’s making a fuss this doesn’t bode well for how helpful he will be when baby comes… think you definitely need to talk to him about this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 22:59

He’s being selfish. Selfish, nasty and stroppy, which is pathetic. I’m so sorry. Foot rubs aren’t everyone’s idea of fun but it’s not a big ask and given how crap you’re feeling he should be doing what he can to make you feel better however he can. And he should be walking the dog and making the dinner! Yes you’re pregnant not ill but if you had all of this pain and discomfort and you weren’t pregnant you’d be getting a lot more support.

Are you taking anything for your heartburn? There’s stuff you can have that’s safe for your baby. All the pain meds you’re allowed? Please ask your midwife or GP if not.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 22:59

Yep, I’ve asked him and he has no problem with feet. He’s the same about my back. I guess I could book myself a massage with a professional but I like the fact that it’s him as it makes me feel like we’re closer. Because I’m feeling so wretched all the time we don’t cuddle in bed or snuggle up on the sofa as much, let alone anything else.

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Coffeellama · 18/01/2023 23:01

He should be doing his fair share with making tea and stuff, but if he doesn’t want to massage you that’s up to him, he doesn’t owe you massages because you are pregnant.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/01/2023 23:02

Sorry but I'd get fed up if I'd been asked for foot massages 10 times too.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:02

The thing is we’ve always worked really well as a couple. He’s usually extremely domesticated and does lots around the house. I think that’s why it’s upset me so much because I’ve tried to continue as normal whilst trying to battle the challenges of being pregnant but he continues business as usual. Then today I’ve done an awful lot to benefit him but he couldn’t give me 15 minutes of his time.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2023 23:04

I think he needs a midwife or something like that to give him a bit of a talking to. It sounds utterly selfish to be honest.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:05

Thank you for that. I struggle at the moment to know what’s rationale thinking and what’s baby hormones upsetting me. I’m taking Omeprazole which works a little but I think I may go to the go about changing it as it’s not enough to help me sleep.

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Tree543 · 18/01/2023 23:05

Why are you making him dinner, snacks and doing the washing up while he relaxes?? He should be doing this for you. How selfish of him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/01/2023 23:06

Well, stop doing things to benefit him. He sounds grim, and probably is going to be jealous of the attention you give the new baby, and invoke that "helplessness" to get out of doing his fair share of the work. We've heard this 1,000 times before -- guys who utterly lack empathy.

Protect your energy by doing only what you need to do for you, for the time being. Long term, assess.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:06

Yeah, I guess so. But when he says he wishes he could make it better and I’m telling him a way he can it’s frustrating

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Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:07

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/01/2023 23:02

Sorry but I'd get fed up if I'd been asked for foot massages 10 times too.

10 times over the last six months, not tonight.

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Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:08

Fraaahnces · 18/01/2023 22:52

Have you asked him about this? I know your feet hurt, but perhaps feet make him feel gross. I hate feet myself. Maybe he’d feel happier Ier giving you a shoulder or scalp massage to help you relax. (It won’t help your feet, I know….) Or maybe he could organize for a professional pedicure with a massage included.

Yep, I’ve asked him and he has no problem with feet. He’s the same about my back. I guess I could book myself a massage with a professional but I like the fact that it’s him as it makes me feel like we’re closer. Because I’m feeling so wretched all the time we don’t cuddle in bed or snuggle up on the sofa as much, let alone anything else.

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Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:08

grumpycow1 · 18/01/2023 22:55

Why are you making him a snack and then dinner and washing up, when you are 29 weeks pregnant and both been at work?? Even without the pregnancy aspect this isn’t fair, household task should be shared. Also if you are asking him a basic favour like the massage and he’s making a fuss this doesn’t bode well for how helpful he will be when baby comes… think you definitely need to talk to him about this.

The thing is we’ve always worked really well as a couple. He’s usually extremely domesticated and does lots around the house. I think that’s why it’s upset me so much because I’ve tried to continue as normal whilst trying to battle the challenges of being pregnant but he continues business as usual. Then today I’ve done an awful lot to benefit him but he couldn’t give me 15 minutes of his time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:09

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2023 23:04

I think he needs a midwife or something like that to give him a bit of a talking to. It sounds utterly selfish to be honest.

I have male colleagues who talk about massaging their pregnant partner’s feet so I thought it wasn’t a bad thing to expect or ask for

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 23:10

Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:06

Yeah, I guess so. But when he says he wishes he could make it better and I’m telling him a way he can it’s frustrating

Next time he asks, or before then, be very clear about what you need and want. I’d buy a nice foot massager if it’ll help, though I know it’s not the same. And tell him he’s making dinners as you’re exhausted and in pain, and he’s walking the dog.

It sounds like his offers are empty and a token gesture but pretend he means them and just be very clear.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 23:10

Next time he asks, or before then, be very clear about what you need and want. I’d buy a nice foot massager if it’ll help, though I know it’s not the same. And tell him he’s making dinners as you’re exhausted and in pain, and he’s walking the dog.

It sounds like his offers are empty and a token gesture but pretend he means them and just be very clear.

Show quote history

I think I’ll try this. Because he’s usually so good I thought he’d up his game once I was pregnant as we’ve both wanted this for so long. It’s so disappointing.

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Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 22:59

He’s being selfish. Selfish, nasty and stroppy, which is pathetic. I’m so sorry. Foot rubs aren’t everyone’s idea of fun but it’s not a big ask and given how crap you’re feeling he should be doing what he can to make you feel better however he can. And he should be walking the dog and making the dinner! Yes you’re pregnant not ill but if you had all of this pain and discomfort and you weren’t pregnant you’d be getting a lot more support.

Are you taking anything for your heartburn? There’s stuff you can have that’s safe for your baby. All the pain meds you’re allowed? Please ask your midwife or GP if not.

Thank you for that. I struggle at the moment to know what’s rationale thinking and what’s baby hormones upsetting me. I’m taking Omeprazole which works a little but I think I may go to the go about changing it as it’s not enough to help me sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:14

Tree543 · 18/01/2023 23:05

Why are you making him dinner, snacks and doing the washing up while he relaxes?? He should be doing this for you. How selfish of him.

I still want to do my fair share of things rather than leaving it all to him but I’d kind of hoped he’d start to pick up more of the slack

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Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:18

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/01/2023 23:06

Well, stop doing things to benefit him. He sounds grim, and probably is going to be jealous of the attention you give the new baby, and invoke that "helplessness" to get out of doing his fair share of the work. We've heard this 1,000 times before -- guys who utterly lack empathy.

Protect your energy by doing only what you need to do for you, for the time being. Long term, assess.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t look after my husband but I think that it should be equal which is where it’s a bit rubbish now. Because I’m automatically doing a lot more than him by being pregnant. Of course he can’t carry the baby and that’s not his fault but maybe I need to do less and hope he gets the idea. I hadn’t seen this side of him before the pregnancy. Like if I asked for a massage before and he said he was tired from work I felt that was reasonable but now I’m surprised by the reaction as I’m growing both of us a child and it sucks.

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Guavafish1 · 18/01/2023 23:18

Get omeprazole and gaviscon for your acid from GP/midwife. See if yiu can increase the dose.

Forget the massage too

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:21

Guavafish1 · 18/01/2023 23:18

Get omeprazole and gaviscon for your acid from GP/midwife. See if yiu can increase the dose.

Forget the massage too

I’m taking both which helps a bit but I’ll see if the gp will give me something else to try

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AllOfThemWitches · 18/01/2023 23:22

When he got home I made him a snack, then turned off my programme so we could watch something together that he chose. I then cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst he relaxed on the sofa.

You sound as though you're talking about a kid here. He does sound selfish, on the other hand I hate it when bf asks for a massage or whatever when I'm trying to relax.

Original poster
Banderbear · 18/01/2023 23:24

AllOfThemWitches · 18/01/2023 23:22

When he got home I made him a snack, then turned off my programme so we could watch something together that he chose. I then cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst he relaxed on the sofa.

You sound as though you're talking about a kid here. He does sound selfish, on the other hand I hate it when bf asks for a massage or whatever when I'm trying to relax.

I had thought that. Maybe he wanted to concentrate on the game because it was his last 15 minutes unwinding before bed but in the past he’s said he didn’t want to straight after dinner as he wanted to let his food go down, so I waited. Honestly I think he just doesn’t want to because he doesn’t enjoy it.

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