Is my husband being selfish or am I being too sensitive

[Banderbear]

Apologies in advance for the rant. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and have been suffering with various symptoms. The main ones are severe leg cramps that wake me up through the nights and acid reflux that means I have to sleep try to sleep sitting up. But I also have a constant crushing pain in my chest, pre-existing disc issues and the standard sore feet. I’m exhausted. Today we both had to work. When he got home I made him a snack, then turned off my programme so we could watch something together that he chose. I then cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst he relaxed on the sofa. He popped out to walk the dog but I’d also walked the dog before work. Then the football was on which I’m not a fan of but it was an important match, so I sat with him and watched it. About 15 minutes before the end of the match I asked if he would massage my feet. He didn’t answer for a while and then said ‘maybe a quick couple of minutes because I have to feed the dog’, in a way that meant he clearly didn’t want to. I pointed out the game had 15 minutes left and he said he was going to feed the dog before it ended and let him out for a wee so he could go straight to bed after. It was a very clear excuse as it takes 2 seconds to put the dog’s food down and I am often the one to let him out for his last wee. Also, there was no way he’d start sorting the dog out in the final minutes of an important game. I told him not to bother with the massage and then he got stroppy with me and said I was being manipulative. He moved away from me on the sofa for the rest of the game. Then he got into bed and went straight to sleep. He always says he wishes he could make it better for me when the pregnancy symptoms have me curled up in tears but any time I ask for anything it’s a big deal. I’ve asked less than 10 times during the pregnancy for any kind of massage and it’s been a big deal every time. The times he’s actually given me one he stops after a few minutes because he says his hands hurt. I’m so upset by his behaviour because I didn’t feel like I was asking for much and I’m so worried I’m going to be left to handle everything when the baby comes. I feel like he’s being unreasonable but I’m more emotional than usual so don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive.

Maybe he doesn't like giving massages? I don't so I get that. Buy a foot spa and get him to make dinner/clean up or at least do one or the other, it doesn't sound like your doing your fair share it sounds like your doing most of the work

He doesn’t like giving massages. He hasn’t said it outright but I know he doesn’t like it. I don’t either but in the past he had a minor operation that resulted in a lot of scar tissue once everything healed up which was causing him discomfort. I made sure to massage the scar tissue often to help ease the pain. I know expecting things to be returned isn’t always great but I’ll admit I did expect him to give me the same treatment.

I'd book yourself in for a nice pregnancy message hun 😊 and if he asks about it you can tell him what a nice foot massage that 'Antonio' the Spanish masseuse gave you 😚🤭 hehe xx

Yes, I've had partners like this. They invariably end up saying "God, I just don't know WHAT you want from me", even though you've been asking clearly for quite some time.
What this really means is "I don't want to do whatever it is you want."

I really hope this isn't a taste of things to come for you.

And, no, 10 massages in 6 months isn't a lot to ask for. What a horrible situation to be in when you're pregnant x

Thank you. I found it so baffling because he seems genuinely sad when I’m having a particularly tough time of it. I just feel like if I could do anything to make him more comfortable I would and have. It really is that he just doesn’t want to. I feel like I need to be more selfish but I just worry what affect that will have on our relationship. I was very careful to wait until I was with a grown up man before starting a family and this has really worried me.

Haha, great idea. I did have one a couple of months back which was amazing. May have to schedule another.

I feel like I need to be more selfish but I just worry what affect that will have on our relationship.

While tit for tat isn’t usually something I’d recommend, you’re currently suffering from his selfishness and the impact that’s having on you and the relationship. And it’s not selfish to expect your partner to step up and do a bit more whether you’re uncomfortable and in pain due to pregnancy or anything else.

It’s not something I’d usually go for either but I feel like if this is a sign of things to come I have 11 weeks to set it straight before the baby arrives. If I just allow him to be selfish whilst I carry on as normal then I suppose I’ll only really have myself to blame if he takes advantage of that

Just roll your eyes and say “Yeah, yeah, words again…” when he says that he wishes he could do something to help you. He DOESN’T actually do anything except bloody Bambi Eyes. Sap.

Stop hoping and start telling.

The fair share thing goes out of the window during pregnancy imo if you’re having a difficult/uncomfortable pregnancy. The same as if you were ill or injured. It’s not forever. It’s simply a moment in time where your energy is taken up with gestating a baby, so he picks up your slack. Same as he will pick up the slack when the baby arrives – or he should do. Or will he expect a snack, dinner, washing up, you taking the dog for a walk, and his choice of TV, when you’ve got a newborn and recovering from birth?

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he doesn’t like it. I don’t either but in the past he had a minor operation that resulted in a lot of scar tissue once everything healed up which was causing him discomfort. I made sure to massage the scar tissue often to help ease the pain. I know expecting things to be returned isn’t always great but I’ll admit I did expect him to give me the same treatment.

This would be a good thing to just state clearly to him. "I know you don't like giving massages and I understand as I'm not much of a fan either, but I did it for you uncomplainingly when you needed it to help ease your scar pain so I am hoping you will return the favour now that I need it. This pregnancy is really hard on my body and I'm struggling. Can you help me with this?"

It's not unreasonable at all to expect give and take in a relationship. Give and take is normal, workable and a part of any healthy relationship.

His response will tell you a lot. If he dismisses your contribution with something like "Well, I never asked you for that and I would have been fine if you didn't do it", you need to understand that you may be doing things for him that you think are nice but that he doesn't value and see as you contributing to the relationship. That will lead to resentment on your part.

You could ask him, okay, if that's not meaningful to you, what is meaningful to you? Can you think of sacrifices I make for you that are meaningful and would motivate you to care for me in the ways that are meaningful to me? Like how I watch football with you even though I am not into it but know you love it? Like me making you dinner and doing the dishes while you relax, even though I am very tired with this pregnancy? I feel I am contributing a lot to this relationship and to your happiness, but it needs to go both ways.

Maybe this will be the wake-up call he needs, but also maybe it's a wake-up call for you to see that you might be martyring yourself for someone who doesn't actually appreciate what you bring. That's a bitter pill to swallow and something that's easy to deny to yourself or convince yourself that 'it will change in the future'. But you can waste a lot of years and energy trying to earn someone's love through actions that they don't value.

It’s good to hear that from someone else as that’s how I thought it should and would be but then started second guessing myself

Such great advice. I’m going to try this today and try to stay calm rather than get upset by it

I know if I do that he’ll get stroppy

This made me laugh! Make him pay though 😂

He's either selfish or doesn't understand what a toll pregnancy takes on a body, but I definitely don't think you are too sensitive.

I’m so worried I’m going to be left to handle everything when the baby comes.
How is he with preparing for the baby's arrival? Has he pulled his weight and actually spent time researching and buying baby stuff or left you to do everything? Has he read parenting books or blogs? Searched for nannies? Happily discussed with you how you will organise your daily life once the baby is there?

He seems to understand because he often asks how I am.

I bought him a book which he’s read a bit of and we went to a baby fair together to choose a buggy. Other than that I have pretty much done the organising. But then I do actually enjoy the preparation so just went ahead and did a lot anyway.

He’s also taken time off for when I’m due so it seems he’s at least planning to pull his weight.

Stop making him snacks and meals. When and if he asks why tell him your hands hurt!

He’s also taken time off for when I’m due so it seems he’s at least planning to pull his weight.
Make sure you have a conversation about what that time off entails! It’s to support you and the baby, not a free jolly – lots of threads on here where the DH or DP sees paternity leave as an opportunity for the gym/pub/mates/football/video games. If your job is to feed the baby, bond and recover from birth, his job is literally everything else: meals, washing up, walking the dog, nappy changes, bringing you snacks and hydration, facilitating visitors, cleaning, etc etc.

FWIW I had a horrendous recent pregnancy with PGP that meant I couldn’t turn over in bed and was waking in pain every two hours, plus the horrendous leg cramps. My partner also woke every two hours to help me turn over, then did all the nursery runs for our eldest, and took over all housework – dishwasher, hoovering, shopping, cooking, everything – that had previously been 50/50. And rubbed my calves! He’s still doing most of it now while I’m glued to the sofa with a baby gnawing my nipples. And that’s fine! One day we’ll balance out the chores again but right now, this is the balance. That’s the for better, for worse, sickness, health part: the balance and equilibrium of who does what changes and flows according to what else is going on in life. Right now you’re entering the rough end of pregnancy and it’s likely to get more uncomfortable as the weeks go on: he has to step up. But I think you need to speak up, too, rather than hoping and assuming he’ll miraculously “get it”.

You’re right

Your husband sounds amazing. Exactly how I’d thought mine would be based on before the pregnancy. It sounds so reasonable when you write it down like that but unreasonable when it’s coming out of my mouth 😂

Are you working OP?

Maybe he doesn't like giving foot massages? Is he helpful in other ways?

If you had come home and said 'I'm exhausted can you sort dinner?' would he hop up and happily do it? Or does he usually sit on his arse while his pregnant wife does chores around him?

Stop doing so much. Don't do things you're going to resent later.

I wouldn't want to give foot massages either. They hurt my hands. I don't think it's fair to demand a particular type of attention or affection, people should be able to express those things in their own way, not under duress because their pregnant wife will cry about it.

Has he otherwise been supportive and helpful towards you? Or is this a tip of the iceberg thing?

He's a selfish arsehole. My partner would massage my feet. In pregnancy or not.