Is my husband being selfish or am I being too sensitive

[Banderbear]

Apologies in advance for the rant. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and have been suffering with various symptoms. The main ones are severe leg cramps that wake me up through the nights and acid reflux that means I have to sleep try to sleep sitting up. But I also have a constant crushing pain in my chest, pre-existing disc issues and the standard sore feet. I’m exhausted. Today we both had to work. When he got home I made him a snack, then turned off my programme so we could watch something together that he chose. I then cooked dinner and did the washing up whilst he relaxed on the sofa. He popped out to walk the dog but I’d also walked the dog before work. Then the football was on which I’m not a fan of but it was an important match, so I sat with him and watched it. About 15 minutes before the end of the match I asked if he would massage my feet. He didn’t answer for a while and then said ‘maybe a quick couple of minutes because I have to feed the dog’, in a way that meant he clearly didn’t want to. I pointed out the game had 15 minutes left and he said he was going to feed the dog before it ended and let him out for a wee so he could go straight to bed after. It was a very clear excuse as it takes 2 seconds to put the dog’s food down and I am often the one to let him out for his last wee. Also, there was no way he’d start sorting the dog out in the final minutes of an important game. I told him not to bother with the massage and then he got stroppy with me and said I was being manipulative. He moved away from me on the sofa for the rest of the game. Then he got into bed and went straight to sleep. He always says he wishes he could make it better for me when the pregnancy symptoms have me curled up in tears but any time I ask for anything it’s a big deal. I’ve asked less than 10 times during the pregnancy for any kind of massage and it’s been a big deal every time. The times he’s actually given me one he stops after a few minutes because he says his hands hurt. I’m so upset by his behaviour because I didn’t feel like I was asking for much and I’m so worried I’m going to be left to handle everything when the baby comes. I feel like he’s being unreasonable but I’m more emotional than usual so don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive.

I think it’s wrong to keep asking for a foot massage when you know he doesn’t like giving them, which is really to fit your romantic notion of feeling closer. It can’t be for the benefit as unless you have a clue what you’re doing, a massage is useless.

The real issue is him not pulling his weight, but if you’ve been determined to carry on as you are, he won’t necessarily tell you to stop

Yes, I’m still working full time

It would be unfair to say he doesn’t help in other ways because he does. What I’m struggling with is that it was a pretty equal divide beforehand but it doesn’t seem to have shifted now that I’m pregnant. I’m not expecting him to do everything just more. I do understand not demanding specific attention but I always understood love languages as being about the person receiving it rather than giving it.

A massage works wonders even if the person has no idea because it moves the lactic acid around and breaks down knots. Shouldn’t you sometimes do things you don’t like in a relationship for the benefit of the other? I’m not being rhetorical, I’m genuinely interested, as that’s how I’ve conducted myself but maybe that’s not reasonable

It doesn’t seem like a big thing to do but I just don’t want to be unreasonable and not realise if I am

This issue aside op

I am guessing your marriage isn’t great

would my partner massage my feet… I suppose if I was to say I would really really love him to, but he absolutely wouldn’t jump at the prospect.

however… would he pick up me from a work overnight function 180 miles when I developed a vomiting bug? In a nano second. Would he then totally sort the logistics of getting my car back from the hotel? Without a murmur. Would he plump my pillows? Not a chance. Would he wash all the bedding post vomit without so much as a word? 100% yes

He’s usually extremely domesticated
please dont say this, no woman has ever been described this way. It gives him a gold star for doing - what sounds like - still less than you.

look at it this way, you both look after each other, and work as a partnership

so you both go to work full time to contribute financially. That work benefits you both and is a sacrifice you both make.

then you do the cooking and cleaning, so that’s more work hours. That benefits you both but is only a sacrifice for the person doing it - which sounds like more often than not, is you.

then you’re currently sacrificing your body and health, sleep and career to carry and birth a child. You feel rubbish. your work benefits you both, but you are the only one suffering/sacrificing

So on balance YANBU because you are pulling more weight than him in the relationship and he doesn’t see or appreciate that.

are you not working OP? On maternity leave?

Ah you answered

You're already doing your fair share by gestating the baby, which is hard on a woman's body. There's no need for you to also do 50% of the dishes and 50% of the cleaning etc. Since he can't help gestate the baby, he should help by taking over more of the cleaning and cooking and dishes so that you can put your feet up and take care of your health. If he feels that you gestating the baby counts for nothing then you have bigger problems of his sense of entitlement and dismissal of your value as a woman.

Our marriage is really good. We’re very close and love spending time together, etc. I think that’s why this behaviour has thrown me.

His “behaviour” being the lack of massage?

OP, if literally otherwise really strong marriage and he’s loving and supportive… don’t look for shadows

Yeah, probably not the best word. But my ex partner had no clue when it came to household responsibilities so it was actually like living with a child. My husband hasn’t been like this before and has been quite instinctive with doing stuff. With my ex I literally had to point out any little thing that needed to be done which was very draining. I think the main issue is that doing things 50/50 worked well before but now it can’t be 50/50 with the housework and buts because I’m so exhausted and not sleeping, etc. but it doesn’t feel like he’s stepping up to take the slack like I thought he would.

The behaviour of being happy to sit back and let me do everything but then object when I asked for a massage. It wasn’t specifically that it was a massage, it was that I was asking for something for me when I had done lots for him.

This. At 29 weeks, he should be taking on more household stuff in acknowledgment that you are heavily pregnant and need to slow down, even without you having a difficult pregnancy. What would happen if you told him this instead of ‘hoping’ he’ll do more?

I’m getting the impression that he expects his life to continue as it is now while you are responsible for the baby. Does he understand that his ‘time off’ when the baby arrives is to look after you/ the baby/ the house - not have a nice break from work? You may need to spell this out to him. And although it’s early days, think about how to manage childcare when you’re back at work. Don’t fall into the trap where you do all the nursery runs and take time off when the baby is too ill to go to childcare.

And don’t make yourself a martyr by not watching your TV programmes in favour of what he wants! Would he do the same for you?

let me do everything

so if you were to drop him a line during the day and say… “I am knackered… could you sort dinner and then do the housework tonight so I can just flop on sofa”

what would he say?

He doesn’t want to give you massages. Although that’s disappointing for you, I think you have to accept that. Ask him for other things.

I occasionally ask my husband for a shoulder massage but I wouldn't ask him for a foot massage. It's a big ask because feet are no one's favourite body part. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Thank you everyone for your advice. We’ve had a sensible conversation and he was very understanding and is now cooking dinner. I think he did need to realise that he needs to step up a bit now. I also need to remember how great he is in other areas. I’m really hoping this sticks but am preparing myself to be more selfish and not feel bad for asking for what I need, as I can’t just expect him to know things. It’s both of our first child at the end of the day and he’s never had a pregnant wife before. I just needed some support and to hear that I wasn’t being unreasonable to give me the push to stand my ground a bit, so thanks everyone

Is this your first thread on mumsnet op?

No, my second. Am I doing it wrong?

No but i suspect once you have your baby… there will be multiple if a) you needed mumsnetters to advise you on this in relation to your DH and b) your DH needed you to sit him down and have a conversation about rising his game in your third trimester

just a hunch

It’s nice having this available as speaking to close friends or family is an option but isn’t always my first choice because I love him to pieces and don’t want people who know him thinking badly of him.

I think this is exactly what Mumsnet excels at and should be used for! OP needed a sense check from the hive mind, received it clearly, and took assertive action, resolving the issue. Good result.

Yes, I think it’s very useful to get objective opinions as well as speaking to friends and family, who might hold back on what they really think to avoid future awkwardness. Like when a friend breaks up with her loser boyfriend, you sympathise and say you never liked him, then they get back together and you’re in an awkward spot!

The other useful thing about MN is advice from people who have been through pregnancy and childbirth and will tell you how it can be. For example, I felt really tired for nearly two weeks after giving birth (I honestly felt like I’d run a marathon), and it took a while to have the energy to go for a short walk. I spent a lot of my first week at home resting in bed with the baby, and there’s no way I would have been taking a dog for a walk twice a day! But other mums I know were not as affected and were up and about sooner.

So your DH will need to be reminded that he could need to step up in those first few weeks and not assume that you’re going to be back to normal a few days after giving birth. I think a lot of men don’t realise this, to be honest. And coupled with a tendency to put themselves first (in both little and big ways), new mums can end up running themselves ragged while their DH/ DP’s life barely changes.