Getting married before or after pregnancy

[Loveinglife]

Hi there, just wanted to ask a question I hope it will help me make a decision. So I have just got engaged last month ,to the love of my life . I am 35 and will be 36 in 6 months time . My partner is 31 ,I have always wanted to do things traditionally however, I’m at the age I worry about having children. So my partner has said need to decide children first or wedding first . I understand that getting married to someone you love you don’t need a massive extravagant wedding , but I would like a nice one which would take at least a year to save up for . Also we live in different countries so he will be moving back to me in the next three months. What advice would you give as I have always wanted both children and marriage just never found anyone I would want to do that with with until now .

If it were me, and only answering for myself as everyone is different, I would do baby first. TTC can take time and can take longer the older you are.

I'd say child first as time is not on your side. You could have a private marriage at the Registry Office and a big celebration in your own time if you chose to.

I’d start trying ASAP given your age. Depends what wedding you want - if just small/low key then I’d plan that alongside. If a big expensive wedding is a priority then maybe wait a few years!

It depends- if your planning on being a SAHM or reducing hours etc then 100% get married first

Literally all of my friends who decided to wait until after baby to get married...are not married. One is getting married next year and her youngest will be 10. I was married before babies but honestly if I hadn't been there's no way I could've afforded to have a wedding alongside the expense of a child! Worth bearing in mind that your priorities (and financial capabilities) totally shift after kids for years and years. No chance yoi could do a really beautiful low key wedding/elopement?

Nobody I know who did babies then marriage actually got to the married part

but at 35/36 I also wouldn’t want to wait another year before I started trying. So I would personally say babies first and save for the wedding whilst you try, then decide in a few months. You might want a break from trying, you might want a smaller wedding, you may already be pregnant and just do a registry office, you could do a bigger wedding to renew your vows or get married when the baby is old enough to be part of your wedding party

Marriage first, especially if he's living in another country. Protect yourself financially, even if it's a registry office.

I got married at 20 weeks pregnant, it's not one or the other

I’d plan to get married asap. But nothing stopping you ttc in the meantime.

Marriage first. Just get the paperwork signed. You can always have wedding celebration later.

We decided to get pregnant first and then get married before the baby was born. So had a low key wedding when I was 8 months pregnant. Worked for us

Given your age even if you start trying it could take months. Along with a pregnancy you’d have around a year to save and have a nice wedding.

I wouldn’t delay trying for a baby though

I always wanted to do it the traditional way but we ended up having children first, early 30s. Was 100% sure (as sure as I could have been) that we would eventually be married, and I trusted him completely. We got married and it was lovely having our 2 children at the wedding. We've since had a third and now it makes no difference that we weren't married the traditional way. I'm pleased we had the children when we did and didn't wait.

However, could be very different if we'd ended up not married/separated.

There's no reason you have to choose only one. Getting married doesn't have to coincide with having a wedding.

Get legally married now. No fuss other than a trip to the courthouse. Quick and cheap. It will offer you financial protection during maternity leave.

Start TTC.

Have the actual wedding/religious celebration/reception later, when it suits you.

It’s not either or and I don’t know why he is putting it like it is

a wedding can cost £200 quid. you can get married whilst pregnant. It shouldn’t get in the way of having children.

you can always save and have a symbolic ceremony and a bigger party after DC

all of the men I knew who dangled a baby or wedding choice never ended up pursuing marriage once DC were here. 🤡

I was in this position recently at the age of 32, we are engaged and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and absolutely no regrets by either of us for prioritising having children over a wedding.

Good luck with your decision 🤗

If he’s moving from another country, I’d have a simple legal ceremony shortly after he arrives and then start TTC. You can save up for a big celebration and a blessing later.

DH and I are from different countries and it’s important to have the legalities sorted out quickly. Good luck and congratulations!

Married first. You don’t need to have a long engagement but the protection marriage offers to women who have children is important I think. We’ve all seen too many disaster stories on here.

Marriage first

Second this, my SIL now has 3 kids under 4 and has been engaged ages. They literally don't talk of marriage or can foresee a time to fit it in? Plus she would want to look and feel good and she just hasn't got the capacity to get to that for the foreseeable.

Get married before the baby arrives! Honestly I love my husband dearly but I would have walked out on him when I was pregnant with all the hormones flying around. Having a baby is a testing time in relationships, the fact you don’t live together now is a bit concerning, have you lived together before?

Get your FSH and AMH levels checked and if all ok get married first. I went for baby first and it turned out I get pregnant in a heartbeat at 40 never mind 35, and I really hated having a newborn when I got married.

What's stopping you getting married soonish? Is it a big wedding you want? Personally I wouldn't have had a child unless married. If my friends the ones that had dc first still aren't married (dc are around 5-7 years).

Marriage first. Even if its just doing it for the legal side.

Then ttc.

Then when you are ready have the celebration you want.

I know couples who just didn't get around to getting married, they had child no 1, the apparent 2 years "saving up" coincided with not wanting a big age gap between siblings, so baby No2 came along, chunk of money spent on other things in dribs and drabs, then life got in the way and it just didnt get back up the priority list.

Im not meaning to be condescending as it's a genuine question but have you met him in real life yet?

I would go to a registry office and get married. Then save for a beautiful party whilst also trying to conceive. I would not wish to get pregnant to someone who wouldn't commit to me first.