Getting married before or after pregnancy

[Loveinglife]

Hi there, just wanted to ask a question I hope it will help me make a decision. So I have just got engaged last month ,to the love of my life . I am 35 and will be 36 in 6 months time . My partner is 31 ,I have always wanted to do things traditionally however, I’m at the age I worry about having children. So my partner has said need to decide children first or wedding first . I understand that getting married to someone you love you don’t need a massive extravagant wedding , but I would like a nice one which would take at least a year to save up for . Also we live in different countries so he will be moving back to me in the next three months. What advice would you give as I have always wanted both children and marriage just never found anyone I would want to do that with with until now .

Marriage first.

Get married first. Go to a registry office and get it done.

Cheap legal marrage, have baby then have a wedding.

I wouldn't have a baby without it.

We did kids first (now 1 and 3). Currently crippling ourselves saving for wedding next year. If I were you, I wouldn’t delay TTC but I’d have a low key wedding in the meantime. Wish we’d done it before we were knackered, skint and unable to go on a longer honeymoon due to childcare!

I got married first but i was 29. Honestly OP at 35 time isn’t necessarily on your side with having babies so if marriage is important have a very small wedding then start trying. Otherwise start trying now. I fell pregnant immediately at 30 took over a year at 35 and number 3 was a complete surprise at 38. I was lucky though not everyone is.

Neither until you've lived together for at least a year.

I don’t mind you asking yes we have been together 2.5 years have lived together 7months out of it and we also see each other at least once every couple of weeks for a week or two .

Simple registry office wedding first. Does he have confirmed immigration status in your country?

The pandemic really scuppered my plans. Was due to be married 2020 and then ttc. But with 2 rescheduled wedding dates, decided to ttc at 34 and had the baby a few months before the wedding.
Not ideal to be postpartum at the wedding but like you was worried about my age and what waiting might mean.
All worked out in the end!

Marriage first. It’s so much easier to afford and arrange before children.

He’s from the Uk and so am I he just moved away before he met me for work

Yes, being married is a huge advantage from an immigration standpoint, that's why DH and I got on with it. It's still complicated, but at least you've got that sorted out. 😂

Start saving and trying! See which one comes first!

You can get married at any time but your fertility is declining already. I started ttc at 37 and I am 40 now with nothing but double digit miscarriages to show for it. Even those with no issues can take a year or more. Baby first. Trust me.

Start TTC and arrange the wedding at the same time! Took me a year to conceive (age 36) and I got married at 14 weeks pregnant

This isn’t necessarily helpful though! I did a mid-30s fertility check, I had and have excellent AMH and FSH, high egg count etc. My eggs were still too old at 37 to make a viable pregnancy.

Normally I’d say wedding first but if you’re in the position of having to save for a decent chunk of time to afford it, I don’t think you have that luxury. Especially if you want more than one child.

Echoing another poster, the only couple I’ve known to have a baby and then get married fairly soon afterwards was a couple that had had their date planned for 18 months and they had their baby during their period of active wedding planning. The others are still “engaged” with no wedding on the horizon, and won’t be for the foreseeable. It’s not the end of the world, but I’d just try and be realistic about a potentially very very very long engagement.

@Phrenologistsfinger oh ok but it's still better odds? I mean fair enough if she wants to be sure, but given the back story if I were her I'd pop down a registry office and do the big wedding whenever. Sorry this happened to you

Quick registry office wedding, start TTC, save for wedding celebration party.

Definitely baby first. Only one out of the two options is time limited.

If it’s important to you to be married then do it first with a simple ceremony. I’ve known so many people just never get round to it if they’ve had their children first. There is always something more pressing to spend the money on once you have children.

This is the same in our friendship group. Weddings have fallen by the wayside even though I know that they really want to get married.

OP, I'd suggest a quick registry office wedding so the official bit is done and then have the party whenever you want, even if it's years later.

I would do as someone else suggested.
Quick registry office for the legal bit, TTC and then save up and have a big party when you feel like it

I'm doing it during. Assuming all goes well I'll be 18 weeks when I am getting married.
After getting engaged we started planning the wedding and when all the dates were set and invites sent we found out I was pregnant.

In your case I would definetly not wait until after your wedding. You don't know how long it will take to get pregnant.

Unless high earners I think you will struggle to want to spend a lot on a wedding once you have children. I’d get married first on a smaller budget and then get pregnant.