Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Getting married before or after pregnancy

65 replies

Loveinglife · 11/11/2022 18:39

Hi there, just wanted to ask a question I hope it will help me make a decision. So I have just got engaged last month ,to the love of my life . I am 35 and will be 36 in 6 months time . My partner is 31 ,I have always wanted to do things traditionally however, I’m at the age I worry about having children. So my partner has said need to decide children first or wedding first . I understand that getting married to someone you love you don’t need a massive extravagant wedding , but I would like a nice one which would take at least a year to save up for . Also we live in different countries so he will be moving back to me in the next three months. What advice would you give as I have always wanted both children and marriage just never found anyone I would want to do that with with until now .

OP posts:
Daisychainsx · 12/11/2022 08:40

I'd get married in a registry office, just the 2nof you and your witnesses, and have a wedding after the baby has been made/born. There are a lot of legal considerations to take into account when having children unmarried, which totally suit some people, but for example I have given up work to stay at home with the baby and I 100% couldn't have done that without being legally married. Also, a friend of mine sadly lost his child's mother, unmarried, and he wasn't even able to apply for a passport for his own kids without jumping through hoops. It took him months and a lot of stress.

greenteafiend · 12/11/2022 08:48

Marriage is important for making sure your partner is committed. DON'T have a baby with someone who is not committed to you--and if he is in another country, it's even more important to be really sure.

Do a quick registry office with a couple of witnesses (you don't even have to tell other friends and family you are getting married if you don't want to). Get on with TTC right away. Have a lovely "wedding party" later on, perhaps after the baby is born, without any time pressures and with all the time you like to plan it and have it the way you wanted.

greenteafiend · 12/11/2022 08:53

Do a search on here for unmarried SAHM if you want to see why getting pregnant with a man who isn't married to you puts you at risk.

Even if you plan to continue working after having a baby, the reality is that motherhood really crimps women's earning power--and sometimes, a mother ends up virtually forced to stay at home if the unexpected happens, like a child being born who has special needs or severe medical problems.

Get married first, seriously. Just 120 pounds and the registry office, you can do it in an afternoon. You've then got legal security, no matter what. A lovely wedding party can always be done at any time, and it's nice to have the time to plan it all and not feel rushed or stressed because "my biological clock's thundering in my ears and I need to plan a wedding quickly and cheaply."

Cookingmama999 · 12/11/2022 08:55

Me and my husband eloped privately and planned to start trying a month before the wedding. We found out on the morning of the wedding that i was pregnant. Eloping took so much pressure off, the wedding planner handled nearly everything.

youlightupmyday · 12/11/2022 08:57

In your shoes. Small wedding soon and TTC immediately after.

quietnightmare · 12/11/2022 09:05

Me and now husband wedding was postponed two years due to covid. Me and now husband had a baby and the. Got married once covid went. Best decision of my life

B1993 · 12/11/2022 10:50

If you want a traditional type of wedding, it might be hard to save for that while on mat leave. But, since time isn't on your side, especially if you want more kids, might be worth not hanging around.

I did both (although I, admittedly, was a lot younger than you when we got married/had our first). We set our wedding date a year after starting to plan and then started trying a few months before our wedding day. Turns out I was around 4 weeks pregant on our wedding so got things in quick succession!

taliaG · 12/11/2022 22:14

Have a small, registry office legal wedding ASAP for legal protection. Then TTC and save for a big celebration party or blessing of the marriage in a year's time.

I appreciate ideally you would have liked a big wedding, but time isn't on your side and if you wait you might have more trouble conceiving.

Equally I wouldn't want to have DC without the legal protection and personal commitment of a marriage being in place first.

Cw112 · 13/11/2022 03:21

We got married first but had the means ready to do it how we wanted. What I will say (this maybe sounds a bit cold and I don't mean it to) but people were so lovely with gifts that it gave us a really good nest egg to use to get everything we needed for baby and redecorate etc plus have some savings. It would have been harder to save for the wedding post baby. But we were very lucky ttc whereas I know a few people have tried for a year or so, so it depends on how long you're happy to leave it. Could you compromise on some of the day you want for the wedding and do it a bit smaller/ cheaper but still really lovely. Plus it's nice to have a wee honeymoon before you have kids as a last hoorah as a couple. We just did a stay cation but it was so nice to have the time.

notangelinajolie · 13/11/2022 03:36

Marriage first.

lennolin · 13/11/2022 03:44

Cw112 · 13/11/2022 03:21

We got married first but had the means ready to do it how we wanted. What I will say (this maybe sounds a bit cold and I don't mean it to) but people were so lovely with gifts that it gave us a really good nest egg to use to get everything we needed for baby and redecorate etc plus have some savings. It would have been harder to save for the wedding post baby. But we were very lucky ttc whereas I know a few people have tried for a year or so, so it depends on how long you're happy to leave it. Could you compromise on some of the day you want for the wedding and do it a bit smaller/ cheaper but still really lovely. Plus it's nice to have a wee honeymoon before you have kids as a last hoorah as a couple. We just did a stay cation but it was so nice to have the time.

I agree once you have a baby they take over and you can't afford To have a wedding. You have to get married If that has been a dream but also don't let it get in the way of trying for a family .

WallaceinAnderland · 13/11/2022 03:56

Your priority seems to be having a child.

So get married first, to protect yourself and the child.

Don't bother saving up for a fancy wedding. A wedding is not a marriage. You need legal protection and if you want a child time is not on your side.

CJsGoldfish · 13/11/2022 03:57

You don't need to 'save up' for a marriage. It's the party you're saving for and, if it's about that, why bother. Have your party later.🤷‍♀️

It always seems backwards to make that lifelong commitment having children means and THEN get married and celebrate a commitment that doesn't actually have to be permanent. But I digress.

Personally, I'd go marriage first. Then baby. Then wedding if you feel you need one.

No499 · 13/11/2022 04:54

Get married first and protect yourself.

thewolfandthesheep · 13/11/2022 04:57

marriage first. It's important paperwork. you can always plan the party while you ttc.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page