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The comment that springs to mind was just hours after I had given birth. I had been induced 3 times and on the third evening gave birth very quickly with no time for any pain relief. However there were complications with me after the birth and I had to go down to theatre for surgery and ended up having an epidural after all. I finally arrived on the ward at 2:30am and was left in the darkened ward with my baby in a basinette next to the bed. It was a terrifying night, I felt abandoned and couldn't feel my body from my neck down, when the baby cried I could only hang onto the side of her basinette and hope a nurse was nearby and could hear her. I'd lost an awful lot of blood and was very weak and probably still dazed by it all. To cut a long night short, I had a lovely cup of tea and toast at 7:00am and my husband came in around 8:00am, I still had very little feeling and had not had a shower yet (or a pee). At about 8:30am a slim, young, healthy looking teenager bounced over to my bed and said she was here to talk to me about exercises.

"Had I done my pelvic floor exercises yet? Could I get up on all fours on the bed and she would run through the sheet"

I was so dumbfounded I'm afraid I just mumbled that I couldn't move yet.

After having the second, and many stitches, no I will rephrase that DARNING STITCH on my backside. The Physioterrorist came in and asked if still could control my pelvic muscles, i.e stop and go mid flo, my reply shocked her, I said that if I tried to stop mid flo it felt as if someone was stinging my backside with a nettle. Her reply oh I cannot understand that, it shouldn't be burning, no said I it is not burning, it was bloody sore!. I think they expect us to leap about like teenagers and do a double back flip whilst doing our Pelvic Floor exercises! good grief. But I'm quite sure that whoever did my stitches can now darn a mean sock!!!!!!!!

Physioterrorist - brilliant, never heard that one before. Thats my smile for the day!

Yes, I well remember the totally ludicrous questions asked mere hours after I'd finally managed to heave the little darlings out. " Have you thought of contraception?" was always a favourite! I was never sure whether this was a comment on my child or a genuine concern!!! The other thing that did surprise me (and nobody had warned me about) was getting out of bed for the first time, after my first baby and a VERY long labour, it felt as if my crotch and insides had all hit the floor! I remember gasping and actually looking down to check!

My amazing female obstetrician told me after the birth of number one i would feel like someone had given me a boot up the backside!
she is famous for her plain speaking (and she was right)

When I was 42 weeks pregnant and at the checkout at Tescos the very friendly checkout woman was attempting to have the "when is due?" "Oh careful I'm not delivering it" haha conversation with me.

As i could hardly stand up and had not slept in weeks I was not in a good mood, by the time she got to "is it a girl?" i could take no more and said "I don't care if it's a rat I just want it out." The look on the poor womans face was a picture.

And yes I am ashamed, and yes I do know how lucky I was and am, but there comes a point when you can take no more ahhing as in "ahh your pregnat" "ahh how lovely your glowing" I always wanted to say "yes and so are my piles" even I did not have the nerve for that one.

Oh Pamina - I remember that one. Especially as I was HUGE in my last pregnancy, and was working in a temporary office which must have the smallest loo cubicles ever! I am afraid I cursed the architect of that building quite a few times.

My standard answer to "are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" was "actually, I'll just be happy if it's a baby."

Snowy, the pile are a real conversation stopper!!, did once refer to the dreaded "bunch of grapes", and silenced the whole room. do some people really think that at 41 weeks pregnant you like hovering on a chair instead of sitting?!!, public toilets I bloody hated them, spent most of my time trying to reverse into the tiny cubicles, knocking over old ladies and banging into the condom machine. The latter I could have wrapped around husbands neck, it was of course his fault I had pile, horrendous indegestion, wind (could fart for Scotland) craving for pate, resembling a beached whale in bed, or a hippo wallowing in the mud whilst having a bath, the list is endless, but at the end of the day I had a son, who actually resembled a cone head when he was born, got stuck and then shot out like an missile!! And when will you be starting contraception again???? and what will it be, Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!

Pamina & co, I wonder too having been asked the same question with a catheter in place and a stomach full of staples. Then I thought is it maybe because some methods are permanently affected by having had a child (diaphragm will need re-fitting, rhythm method not reliable while breastfeeding etc), and people might not realise this three to four months down the line...

I know this isn't especially important in the scheme of things, but can somebody tell me what the official advice is on eating smoked salmon and parma ham while pregnant is?

I was told not to eat either. I'm afraid I ignored the advice on salmon but did not eat parma ham or any uncooked cured meats because rightly or wrongly I thought they were potentially riskier than uncooked smoked fish.
A friend living in France reports that the French don't give a monkey's about unpasteurised dairy products (cheese etc) but that they are completely paranoid about le toxoplasmose and recommend getting rid of the family cat for the duration of the pregnancy.

They said to me after my labour that they were very busy and needed the room, this was moments after the cutting of the cord. MOMENTS