Best advice for partner during birth

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Hi all, picking brains.

I'm 28+5 weeks, first, all good.

I saw my stepsister yesterday and she said the best advice she got was to give her DH specific jobs when she was in labour.

This stopped him being stressed, made him feel important and helped her.

Her specific jobs were;

1. Find out information so I don't need to ask questions
2. Be my cheerleader. Tell me how amazingly I'm doing.

So I wondered, do you have any advice on jobs or support a birthing partner can give during labour?

1. Don't annoy me
2. Bring me water if I call your name
3. Don't annoy me

That was it.
I would have found any "cheering on" absolutely maddening. I needed to concentrate and zone out a bit. The midwife was next to me to handle the birthing bits. Appreciate everyone is different.

Make sure you drink (refill sports bottle etc) feed you sweets etc between contractions
Maybe count your breathing out loud?
Back massage/counter pressure
Get babies first outfit out and ready
Music playing?
Take photos

Honestly though, when I had DD1 and DD2 I wanted to be left alone by everyone including hubby, he was totally redundant and probably felt quite pushed out. I'm hoping to include him a bit more this time (39 weeks with DS1) but I'll probably want to not be touched again 😂

There may be moments when I tell you I hate you for getting me into this situation, to bugger off, to not touch me ever again. I do not mean this, I do love you really.
if I say I want all pain relief then I want it what ever my birth plan says, you can check that I am sure but after that make sure I get the drugs.
please take photos!
tell me I look beautiful even when I am a sweaty mess.

My best advice for me is don't have partner in the room. I much preferred labouring alone and just midwife for the birth. We're all different.

Same!

If DH had told me I was “doing amazingly” that would have given me the rage.

They don’t need to “feel important” or be “kept busy”, sorry I think that’s quite patronising.

They need to, as adults, be capable of controlling their own emotions and focus on doing whatever you ask of them.

Maybe DH could do some research on what giving birth is like so he knows what’s involved. I asked mine to read the same book I’d read (it was a Milli Hill one).

I would say that they know all your plans and wishes to advocate for you. Also snacks so he's not hungry.

I was so in the zone both times I didn't even speak to my DH until the baby popped out.

I think all I said in labour was 'more water' repeatedly for about 6 hours.

I'd have probably wanted to slap DP if he'd of cheered me on.

Don’t talk to me at all especially at the height of a contraction.

I think it’s quite hard to know in advance what you’ll feel like in labour. Dh being a “cheerleader” would have been appalling, likewise although we’d talked about back rubbing etc at NCT classes I really didn’t want to be touched.

Agree with @SalviaOfficinalis really. It’s not about them and the idea of giving them little jobs to do is a bit patronising. I think a man in the delivery room needs to be flexible and grasp that it’s not about them, do what’s asked, stay calm. I also think not all men are well suited to the task and that the option of them not being in the room, or only at the end, should be destigmatised.

Honestly- I just told him to be quiet as his voice was annoying me.

So only speak when spoken to 😂

Like PPs, if my DH had been cheering me on, I’d have killed him.

I needed him to be my voice when I didn’t have the energy or was in pain. He got them to stop moving my room when I couldn’t get them to stop.

Best tip I had was to get all your stuff for your hospital bag together and let him pack it. That way if you're asking for something he'll know where it is.

And don’t touch me either, at all.

I agree it’s hard to know what you’ll want, and that he needs to be prepared to accept feeling a bit useless if it happens, he’ll live.

But in my experience, I felt good that my DH knew my wishes and could help advocate for me when I couldn’t really talk, he was quite strong on hurrying up an epidural once I’d asked for one. He knew it wasn’t in my original plan but he saw the change in me towards the end and knew I meant it by that stage.

I was up for a bit of cheerleading when I was struggling, but I can totally relate to the ‘don’t be annoying’ chat as well.

Dont let him go back to work while you are still in labour.

My advice would be to tell him to butt out unless asked. I can give my own instructions to the medical staff. But do tell him calling out crossword clues is not helpful nor is putting the baseball on the tv (USA!)

Hah thanks to those who said cheerleading was annoying, I appreciate it's not for everyone!
I like the idea of making sure he packs my hospital bag and knows my birth plan.

My DP is owning the pregnancy but he gets a lot of anxiety and amusingly at this point I'm more worried about him than me! I keep giving him books to read.

Agreed I won't know what I want, but I can certainly give some thought to what I don't want at the time!

You need to keep your partner on the loop. You both need to learn about childbirth (nhs website at least?) and they need to know what are your preferences for the birth, how you think about.... csection? Drugs? Water birth? Positions?

When you're having contractions it is difficult to think straight. At that point your partner needs to step up as your spokesperson.

Best of luck!!!

I might get my DP some fidget spinners to stop him annoying me though 😅

Yes as with PPs I needed to be in the zone so my specific instructions to DH second time round (I learned from the first time when I thought I’d want cheering on and back rubbing - ha!) were to not talk to me unless Absolutely necessary (eg something to do with the medical stuff).

also carry the bags

DHs tip to everyone is to only take 1 bag. He had to run down a corridor after me during first birth with a little wheelie suitcase, a hold-all, a pair of trainers and assorted clothes I’d taken off.

yes I would have wanted him to firmly back up my wishes if the medical staff Weren’t listening to me. But otherwise literally support - do whatever is needed / asked for and just let me get on with it

oh yes and have lots of snacks when I ask for them

Get him to pack the hospital bags. You decide what to pack, lay it all out, then he packs it. That way he knows where everything is when you need it. Can you imagine, you're writhing around having contractions and he's going 'hmm, no I can't seem to find the TENS machine, are you sure you packed it?'?

A general tip for packing hospital bags is to put everything in clear ziplock bags - one of babygrows/one for nappies / one for your pads/ one for your lip balm, tissues etc.
Makes it easy to see where everything is.

Also, not cheerleading really, but both times for me, when in transition and advanced labour I was SO SURE I couldn't do it and I couldn't hear what the midwife was telling me, my brain couldn't process it, something about breathe, then don't push, or was it push, then don't breathe? DH held my hand really tight and got right up close to me and 'translated' one step at a time: BREATHE! PUSH! I couldn't have done it without him.

My main one was that I needed him to advocate for me. I’m shy and easily persuaded into things I don’t want to do.

So I told him exactly what I wanted to happen in terms of X, Y or Z going wrong.

It’s a good job I did too because they tried to push me into an epidural and I ended up with an EMCS so had the spinal which is more more effective.

I’m sure they thought he was controlling but I don’t give a shit. I knew what I wanted, I just couldn’t advocate for myself especially in that vulnerable position.

1. Give Water - buy a bottle with a straw

1. Rub lower back during every contraction

1. Remind to breathe properly