Best advice for partner during birth

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Hi all, picking brains.

I'm 28+5 weeks, first, all good.

I saw my stepsister yesterday and she said the best advice she got was to give her DH specific jobs when she was in labour.

This stopped him being stressed, made him feel important and helped her.

Her specific jobs were;

1. Find out information so I don't need to ask questions
2. Be my cheerleader. Tell me how amazingly I'm doing.

So I wondered, do you have any advice on jobs or support a birthing partner can give during labour?

In both labours DH concentrated on keeping me hydrated between contractions or pushes, that's all I needed him to do, other than advocate for me if things weren't being explained

I had a c-section, but when they asked squeamish DH to cut the cord, I yelled "VOMIT FIRST, THEN PASS OUT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND" at him. That was my only advice.

There's a podcast and book called "The Essential Guide to being a birth Partner" that is probably worth a look.

This is really good advice thank you!

Don't complain you're tired (because so was I!)

Main thing was I told him what I wanted/didn't want and although I ended up with c section he was there to check I was happy with that and had a choice

Don’t speak until spoken to
Dont touch anything (including me)
Dont breathe too loudly
Dont take anything I say personally
Don’t try to be funny
Dont use the words “I” or “me” - you don’t matter at this point
If I tell you to do something just fucking do it, quickly

Make sure he knows your birth plan but also listens to you on the day. If my DH had told me I had said I didn’t want pain relief on my birth plan whilst I was begging for it, I’d have caused him an injury.

Interesting how many women didn’t want any of the cheerleading or all that stuff they teach at NCT. I was just the same. Give me water and don’t speak to me, touch me, or look at me. He advocated for me and baby amazingly though, and cared for DD when I had surgery. And he bought lots of snacks afterwards.

My DP is owning the pregnancy but he gets a lot of anxiety and amusingly at this point I'm more worried about him than me! I keep giving him books to read.

I don't think this is amusing or cute. You're pregnant. It's not about him.

Keep you hydrated and advocate for you. Also, tell him not to complain about the terrible seats in the hospital… mine kept complaining about how awful the seat was and the heat when I was in labour….

I think it's good for them to know about the different stages of labour and to understand your needs might change over time. At the beginning you might like to be rubbed and spoken to, but later you might not want to be touched and talking might annoy you. He needs to watch you and take his lead from you and understand that it's all about you.

Be your advocate. DH was the one demanding to know why I was still in triage, why I hadn't been moved to the delivery suite, how long until I could have an epidural. He made a nuisance of himself on my behalf and it was brilliant.

I just needed him to hold my hand.

I told DH to first of all, take care of himself, as in, eat when he could, drink when he could and sleep when he could, he would be mine and baby's advocate and needed to be at his best to help us best. Other than that, my only instruction was to STOP TELLING ME TO BREATH! 😂 dunno why but between him and the midwives telling me to breath it really wound me up 🤣🤣

I had a water birth and my DP ended up sitting next to the pool holding the gas and air so I could just suck on it when needed and grip the sides or move around without having to worry about it. He would probably suggest bring something soft to sit on in that scenario!

Fortunately mine had the good instincts that telling me he was tired would not go down well.

Agreed about that he knows your birth plan and has a rough idea about what you would want. First labour, after the diamorphine, I was in absolutely no fit state to advocate for myself. So DH did for me. Second birth, when things were going wrong, he was more devil's advocate standing up for my birth plan. But it cemented in my mind it was the right thing to be doing.

Poor guy was all at sea otherwise. I hated anyone touching or talking to me with DC1. All I wanted was my gas+air and to be left alone. DC2, I wanted hand holding and chatting. But DH had to be ordered to as he thought it was going to be a repeat of DC1.

Giving birth to my son was when I realised that there was a reason for eons men stayed out of the room and let the women get on with it.

He served no purpose in being there whatsoever, he felt useless and terrified and he saw things he wishes he could unsee but now can't.

Then he complained about being tired afterwards.

So glad it's not just me. The most annoying thing for me as the doctor did a difficult forceps delivery was the midwife standing with her arms round DH and saying "it's the husbands I feel sorry for." She was lucky I was in no position to punch her.

“it's the husbands I feel sorry for."

I did feel sorry for my husband. I wasn’t the only one going through a traumatic time - he had to watch the person he loves most in the world in a lot of pain, struggling and being rushed to emergency surgery with the worry that she and baby might not make it.

I could not have birthed without him. He was invaluable to me. An incredible advocate, extremely supportive and caring down to the last detail and a massive help getting breastfeeding started too.

As an ex midwife , I'd tell the men to stay outside. I've seen many more useless men as birthing partners and lots of rubbish ones.

Good for you, with the forceps in a painful place and a 10lb baby being pulled out of me I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in feeling sorry for anyone else. Maybe the midwife should remember who she is being paid to look after and I'll give you a clue - it's the woman in labour.

@ancientgran Perhaps the midwife is capable of caring for and feeling empathy for more than one person at a time.

Amused at the complaints of felling tired. How did they think you felt when you were doing the hard work?!

Felling = feeling

This was also me. I thought I'd want him to rub my back and urge me on and all that bullshit, but what I actually wanted was for him to fuck off and leave me to it and on no account to obtrude himself, I was in the zone and fucking BUSY.