Best advice for partner during birth

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Hi all, picking brains.

I'm 28+5 weeks, first, all good.

I saw my stepsister yesterday and she said the best advice she got was to give her DH specific jobs when she was in labour.

This stopped him being stressed, made him feel important and helped her.

Her specific jobs were;

1. Find out information so I don't need to ask questions
2. Be my cheerleader. Tell me how amazingly I'm doing.

So I wondered, do you have any advice on jobs or support a birthing partner can give during labour?

So instead of maybe holding my hand, saying something encouraging to me, wiping my forehead with a nice cold cloth she stood several feet away with her arms round my husband. Show me where she was caring for her actual patient or displaying empathy for me. You can't can you because she wasn't.

Back me up.
Advocate for me.
Don't undermine me.

Can you tell I haven't forgiven him?

Well have you no empathy? The poor man needed lots of care.

If any partner takes anything away from this, it should be that their #1 job in any birth situation is to remember that it is 0% about them and 100% about the woman having a baby, and their job is to respond to what she specifically asks for and otherwise to stay the fuck out of the way.

@ancientgran Considering how aggressive and rude you are on a online forum when simply discussing birth I’m not surprised she didn’t want to come near an extremely aggressive pregnant woman in labour who was quite clearly giving off the aura that she didn’t want anyone near her.

Well put.

I merely reported what a midwife said, you were the one who got all sanctimonious about it. Maybe have a bit of empathy for other women's experiences.

@PuddingBear you still haven't explained how the midwife's actions showed any empathy for her patient. You still can't can you.

Do as I ask and don't question it.

If I tell you to go to sleep to get some rest, even if I'm not, then just do it.

All I wanted him to do was remind me to breath when he could see that I stopped breathing as it helped with the pain to breathe through it. It really helped.

Plus he could see when a contraction was about to come via the monitor I was wearing for DC3 when I was trying not push due to footling breech and being prepped for surgery so it was useful so i could get ready to try not to push.

@ancientgran I have no need to.

This ( and any midwives that might need reminding of it too!)

For me too. "Don't annoy me" works well during labour. You're busy then and he shouldn't distract you.

Mine had to hold the gas and air for me because I decided I was incapable of holding it myself. Also the water, as others have said.
Yes also to:
Repack the bag so they know where everything is and can find it when you ask for it
Bring snacks and paracetamol and spare T-shirt etc for themselves- they need to be fully self sufficient as you won't won't to hear about their dehydration headache
They should have discussed your birth plan with you so they understand what your preferences, fears, priorities etc are and will be able to support you in asking questions in changing circumstances

Actually it's about me projecting my own anxiety on to worrying about him rather than worrying about me

If you want an epidural, get your DP to stay on chasing up the anaesthetist. They're so hard to pin down!

I haven't been through it yet, but will do in Jan/Feb. My husband is under strict instructions that if I end up pushing then he is to tell me "the sooner i push and baby is out, the sooner i get wine and champagne and all the deli meats i can eat!" LOL. If thats not enough to get me pushing i dont know what is... im hoping. Although il probably end up screaming at him to shut the fuck up haha

I instructed DH to do and say nothing unless I wanted him to. He complied happily. If he'd even thought about cheering me on I'd have swung for him.

It's not actually a good idea to push until your body's ready for it, btw. In fact my midwives told me not to consciously púsh at all, but to wait until my body started pushing by itself - which it did. There is some evidence that deliberate "purple pushing" is associated with more tearing IIRC. At any rate, all that yelling "PUSH" at the woman is pure TV fiction.

Listen to what you want and advocate for you.
Take his own bag of drinks and snacks and DO NOT touch yours!
Keep visitors away until you are ready!

Depends what kind of partner you have. My husband hated learning about things so I worried he was going to be bad in labour. We reviewed my birth plan after I wrote it so he knew what the thoughts were.

We had a moment when the team mentioned we might be heading towards a section, which was the last thing I wanted. I had a melt down and husband asked, "Is this emergent?" AMAZING question. Answer was no, we could check in after an hour and an hour later the point of concern had disappeared.

Was there a point when my induction meds had first hit and I had puked everything and my husband kept offering me mixed nuts or Malteasers and I wanted to smack them out of his hand? Sure. But he also stood next to me for about 4-6 hours when the anaesthetist had been taken into theatre holding the gas and air tube and a glass of water while barked "That one. That one. That one" as needed.

Just depends on the partner.

Also, to ensure you don't get full rage, put some snacks in the labour bag that you husband won't touch. Either because he doesn't like them or you've hidden them. ;)