MIL sticking nose into return to work after maternity plans

[EL8888]

I’m 9 weeks pregnant and have only a rough idea about my return to work after maternity plans. It’s super early days after all but finances dictate l will have to return to work and lm fine with that. Probably tweaked hours and maybe drop a couple. Fiancé is fine with that too, he will tweak his hours as well and possibly drop a few

MIL started sticking her nose is saying she thinks l should quit after maternity and go for a more junior zero hours role. The amount of money l earn currently is only a little less than my fiancé do. Normally MIL and l get on well but this has wound me up!!! Why should l give up the security of a permanent job for less money and poorer pension (current pension deal is pretty good). Next time she mentions it then l will be suggesting my fiancé does it! Feels like old school sexism and l don’t see why l should get a demotion at work. Plus me earning less money would affect me, fiancé and baby

You are 9 weeks pregnant. You have over a year to decide how you will return to work, and nearer to 18 months if you take a year off. From now on, just repeat over and over that you have lots of time to decide what you'll do, and you and your OH will decide together nearer the time. Move the conversation on.

What does it have to do with your MIL? Why are you even discussing it with her. I’d tell her her ideas are very outdated and that you’ll do what you think is best for you and your little family and deal with the consequences of your choices.

@wibblewobbleball that’s basically what we did. Moved the conversation on and wouldn’t really be drawn. We are talking about something that’s happening in January 2024 after all. It’s too soon to get into the finer points of it, work don’t even know l am pregnant yet! I am telling them after the 12 week scan

For clarity no grandparents have been or will be asked to do childcare. So it’s not a reaction to that

Im peeved that my career is viewed as more expendable. Ironic as lm probably more ambitious than my fiancé. We will be closing down future conversations after l have dropped a sizeable hint, about me earning similar to my fiancé and it doesn’t make sense for me to take a big cut for flexibility

I would, instead of suggesting fiancé dies this, ask MIL why she hasn’t suggested that her ds does this?

tell her that to give up a secure decent income would to you be feckless or either of you but to suggest that you do this and not her son seems strange

Just ignore her. You’re not married so you’re sensible to keep your own income.

@Amazongirl9 we weren’t discussing it, she started telling us it was a great idea and we should do it 🙄. But yeah nothing to do with her, it’s not as if she will be providing childcare

@AnneLovesGilbert we are marrying very soon. So that base will be covered

“Thanks MIL but we can make our own decisions about household finances”

and repeat until she gets message. Rude, overbearing person.

@Puppers yep l will be going rinse and repeat!

She normally keeps out of stuff so this has been a bit odd. All l can think is first grandchild on the way has got to her. But it’s still no excuse

This validates my request to fiancé than we keep all baby name debates to ourself. Until baby names are actually decided on and given

No don't do it (personally I think shorter hours at a higher rate of pay in a more senior job give you a lot more options) but ultimately it's your decision. She is probably trying to help but I don't think it's sparkling advice. Congratulations OP

Don't discuss it with them, don't discuss it in front of them. If they say something about it, say 'that's an interesting idea, thanks' then change the topic.

TBH it's hard to predict at this very early stage of pregnancy how you will feel when you come to make a decision - that's why the law doesn't require employees to tell their employer until quite close to the return date.

There is no one single experience of being home with a baby - you might be bored silly and desperate to get back to work, you might have zero sleep and be unable to contemplate going back to usual hours, you might think being home is the most wonderful thing and you want to give up work even if it means moving somewhere cheaper etc - there might be mental or physical health issues or financial stuff to deal with that puts a spin on things.

Depending on the age of you and your MIL, it's worth considering that once upon a time nurseries were seen as grim places and the norm was for women to stay off, older women can see it as a judgment of their own choices if the next generation decide differently. Plus older people often find it hard to get their heads around the fact that it's much harder to live off a single salary nowadays.

Personally I've found working part time gave me a break that made me more patient with DC and enjoy them more for it not being 24/7, but it doesn't always work that way.

@EL8888 Even worse if it was a totally unasked for opinion.

She def needs the diet of less information.. Bring dp into every chat in future. Make it clear you aren't discussing anything private with her.

MIL once commented to me that she does feel that SIL (her daughter) is a bit mean because she doesn't ensure there's a cooked meal for BIL every night. Considering that BIL works fewer hours for a fraction of SIL's pay, you could have blown me over with a feather.

Having a new baby in the family often brings out these old sexist mindsets. If you're lucky, pointing out that it's ridiculous and why on earth should you cancel your career/financially disadvantage your family will hopefully put her back in her box. Otherwise you have to start removing yourself from any and all such conversations.

BTW if these conversations are happening like this at this point of pregnancy, it's probably going to be a continuing theme unless you get on top of it - discussion of childbirth, naps and sleep training, childcare options, weaning methods, breast vs bottle, the best toys, approach to safety, schooling, clothing, cleaning and so on and so on

There's a weird thing that happens when you have kids and have to put a mark in the sand to show it's your baby, your responsibility, your decisions. And redefine the way relationships are in the family so GP know the boundaries. They can support, influence, provide information and invaluable experience - but ultimately you're the boss and need to be respected.

I wouldn't double down on this as TBH you might change your mind and decide to give up work, who knows? It's your prerogative. Just be mindful of how it's all in flux and the relationship dynamics will change then resettle.

Set our your boundaries ASAP. This is only likely to get worse unless you nip it in the bud.

DoNOT do this. Don't ever mention the baby's name until the baby is born. People will think that they suddenly can try to change your mind. Lots of people regret mentioning the name during pregnancy.

Older women were often not in a position to have a good job, and were encouraged to stay home with their DC.Often not returning FT until DC were older if at all.Just smile and say we have got it all sorted now thank you ,and move forward .You may feel differently at the time of course ,but either way its not her business!

My MIL didn't even know I was pregnant at 9 weeks!! She sounds like a meddler but you're sharing too much with her.

My MIL expected me to give up work when DS was born. When we announced my second pregnancy, one of the first things she said was will I be giving up work. It has really hit a nerve both times. She always mentions how we will be fine on just DHs salary, but seems to fail to realise we would also be comfortable on just my salary. I know it is likely a generational thing but I always feel like she is belittling the career I worked very hard for.

If it helps, this is the only thing she has really expressed an opinion on so it might not be the start of something worse. However I would still agree with the above to not share names until the baby is here. I would say this to everyone though.

@PaddingtonsSarnie combination of me being so ill with morning sickness and her having to administer IVF drugs whilst my fiancé was away

@monkeyupsidedown and @Betsyboo87 like l said names will be revealed once finalised and baby is here. I specifically negotiated that with my fiancé, he’s more of an open book (and naive!). l know how those kind of debates end up. A friend of mine ended up being brow beaten into giving her baby the middle name of Roland, as it was a “family name”. Despite the fact she didn’t like it at all

This is your problem - she's too involved. Start pushing back now.

Just keep her out of everything until you're good and ready. Shut down all conversations with her about anything you don't want to discuss or share.

Incidentally, could you not administer your own jabs and remove the need for her to know anything and therefore no pressure til you wanted to let people know?

Married or not it's important to maintain your career, it's all very well having the security of marriage but on divorce your husband walks off into the sunset with his career and his salary,