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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

MIL sticking nose into return to work after maternity plans

56 replies

EL8888 · 26/09/2022 10:29

I’m 9 weeks pregnant and have only a rough idea about my return to work after maternity plans. It’s super early days after all but finances dictate l will have to return to work and lm fine with that. Probably tweaked hours and maybe drop a couple. Fiancé is fine with that too, he will tweak his hours as well and possibly drop a few

MIL started sticking her nose is saying she thinks l should quit after maternity and go for a more junior zero hours role. The amount of money l earn currently is only a little less than my fiancé do. Normally MIL and l get on well but this has wound me up!!! Why should l give up the security of a permanent job for less money and poorer pension (current pension deal is pretty good). Next time she mentions it then l will be suggesting my fiancé does it! Feels like old school sexism and l don’t see why l should get a demotion at work. Plus me earning less money would affect me, fiancé and baby

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 13:58

@Betsyboo87 cringe! Yeah my fiancé and l earn a similar amount. I’m guessing my MIL assumes we don’t, as she doesn’t know what we earn

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Julia234 · 26/09/2022 13:59

Hmm just playing devils advocate here..

I too had a full time well paid career that I was absolutely planning on returning to but cutting down to 3 days.

I went back to work and after 2 months realised it was just not something my family and I wanted. I was knackered, my son was distraught and I saw a real change in him and to be honest, the maternal instinct I had towards him at the time meant I just wanted to be with my son.

I did exactly what your MIL is suggesting. I handed my notice in and went on a zero hours contract as a band 6 specialist nurse. I work 12 hours a week.

my husband is a fantastic father but honestly, there is an incredibly strong maternal pull towards your child in the first couple of years that I just don’t believe males have (may be wrong but evidence suggests I’m not). So I didn’t even think about my husband giving up work over me.

I know this is not going to suit everybody and I wouldn’t dream of telling you you should, but your MIL’ suggestion would have been really appreciated for insight when I was struggling with the decision of what to do. I’ve done it and it works brilliantly so it’s not a terrible idea.

Original poster
EL8888 · 26/09/2022 13:59

@Milkand2sugarsplease jabs are nearly finished thank god! My clinic said they can be stopped soon. The bad morning sickness combined with the injections made me feel even more sick and dizzy. So l can’t face doing them myself

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 14:01

@Amazongirl9 opinion not asked for! I usually have more than enough of my own -the difference is l suppose l don’t share them unless asked

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Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/09/2022 14:01

Nearly done now and hopefully you can just enjoy being pregnant. DS1 was the result of ivf so I've been there!x

BendingSpoons · 26/09/2022 14:04

I am the higher earner in our marriage. We were looking to buy a house before having DC2. PIL suggested we move in with them (semi rurally), I gave up my job and DH upped his hours, plus commuted miles. Needless to say, we didn't take them up on this offer.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 26/09/2022 14:16

Congratulations on your lovely news. As others have said, I would start pulling back and keeping things to yourselves unless you're happy for her to be forcing her opinions on you from now until the end of time! Tell her only what you need to/want to, and after the decisions have been made. If she pushes back, just say that's our decision and it's what's best for our family of three so that's what we're going with

RedxRobin · 26/09/2022 14:21

Nip it in the bud straight away. My MiL did exactly the same thing to me and I had to very firmly put her in her place and explain that I would most definitely be going back to work. At the time I earnt less than my OH but now I earn considerably more so it is just as well I had stuck to my job.

MiL had generally kept her nose out of things before us having children but that did change a lot once we had my DS. I particularly remember an argument about how we should be weaning him at 3 months on to solids as that was apparently what they did in her day. I learnt very quickly that I had to be very firm and stick to my guns during these type of discussions!

JenniferBarkley · 26/09/2022 14:26

Next time you could just say "I've never had any interest in giving up work. We did discuss John going PT but the sums didn't work. We're happy with our plans."

I earned a lot more than DH when we had our first, no one ever asked if he was quitting or going PT, only me and it really pissed me off so I used to reply similar to the above.

GreenManalishi · 26/09/2022 14:26

Thanks Jean, interesting, I'll give that some thought

and carry on as you were, for the next 18 years 😂

Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/09/2022 14:29

Set boundaries now with your MIL, she will only get worse.

ImAvingOops · 26/09/2022 14:31

I think you are being slightly unfair tbh. You have invited her into the whole business by asking her for help - of course she is going to have, and express, her opinions. You can't really say 'I want X from you, but you aren't allowed to say anything on Y'. Families do speak freely, sometimes irritatingly. It doesn't mean you have to do it!

It is important to be the parent and raise your dc how you want and there are grandparents who will try to walk all over you, but she doesn't sound like that - you say she's generally nice. You might value her input down the line so be a bit tactful now - she's one of the people who will love your baby and could be a great support to you.

SettingPrecedents · 26/09/2022 14:39

Congratulations, you get to join the legion of women who’ve gone through life with limited experience of sexism, then you get pregnant and all that pent up misogyny hits like a baseball bat! At least that was my experience, suddenly everyone has a view and most of them are apparently stuck in the 1950s. Put firm, polite boundaries in place and do it early.

Figmentofimagination · 26/09/2022 14:47

My MIL is a pain for things like this. For her it's a mixture of old school sexism and her opinion of me.

When DS was born I had just finished a 1 year contract so it was easy for me to be a SAHM at first since DH had a stable driving job all over the country. However 2 years down the line, DH was really struggling with his job. As I had more earning potential, i applied for some jobs with a similar salary as his, and it was decided when I got a job he would quit his job, have a few months off and then look for something part time.

As soon as MIL found out, she was livid. How would DH cope not having his own money, he'd be screwed if I left him as he would have no job, why would he lose his safety net, it's the job of the mother to do the childcare (even though she worked all the time and DH's auntie looked after him a lot). It was fine for me to be in that position but not DH. I just ignored her and let DH shut her comments down (he has to do it often).

We actually did it, I got a brilliant flexible job, DH enjoyed his few months as a SAHD. He then got a part time job in a shop, and found out he was really good at his job. 3 years later he's now earning more than me working as a full time supervisor and we both share childcare (I work around his shifts).

Calphurnia88 · 26/09/2022 15:15

Pregnant women and new mums get so much unsolicited advice. I didn't realise until I became one, and now I'm really mindful of how I speak to others. Personally I tend to respond with a polite but indifferent tone (e.g. oh interesting, we'll look into that) as engaging just tends to encourage it.

That said, with a family member you spend a lot of time with you probably need to be direct. I would try and nip this in the bud now.

SantaOnFanta · 26/09/2022 15:42

Unfortunately when you become pregnant and have a baby everyone is absolutely full of advice, it is so irritating!!! It will unfortunately get worse from family and work colleagues.

I remember when baby was born my in laws were absolutely obsessed over the fact that why is this baby five days old and doesn't have a bank account yet? They were really wound up about this and they would go and do it themselves if we didn't hurry up! I could barely move from the stitches and was last thing on my mind.

In the end we had to dash out to open a bank account for child when I felt so flamming ill because I did not want them doing this for me and stealing away a precious first.

MintJulia · 26/09/2022 15:50

She maybe didn't earn much when she had her children, and she either doesn't want you to be seen as a more professional, higher earner than her.

Or she might be worried you'll be tired.

Or she might be lonely and want you as company.

Either way it's none of her concern, so say firmly you'll decide closer to the time, and change the subject.

Willbe2under2 · 26/09/2022 15:59

SantaOnFanta · 26/09/2022 15:42

Unfortunately when you become pregnant and have a baby everyone is absolutely full of advice, it is so irritating!!! It will unfortunately get worse from family and work colleagues.

I remember when baby was born my in laws were absolutely obsessed over the fact that why is this baby five days old and doesn't have a bank account yet? They were really wound up about this and they would go and do it themselves if we didn't hurry up! I could barely move from the stitches and was last thing on my mind.

In the end we had to dash out to open a bank account for child when I felt so flamming ill because I did not want them doing this for me and stealing away a precious first.

This doesn't help now but I'm pretty sure the parents have to give permission for someone else to open a bank account in behalf of the child so they wouldn't have been able to unless you/DH signed all the right forms. That's certainly been the case with a savings account and premium bonds our relatives have set up for DD.

OP - YANBU. My IL definitely see my career as less important that DH's even though I earn more (just) 🙄

Original poster
EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:20

@ImAvingOops lm not being unfair. She gave me an injection when l was too rough to do it myself and my fiancé was out. I can say you can’t comment on y. My child = my rules. Especially when it impacts on my career progression, earning capacity and retirement plans! Plus it also impacts on her son as well

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:30

@Milkand2sugarsplease fingers crossed! You know how tough it is and would be nice to just enjoy being pregnant. It’s taken literally years to get here

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:31

@SantaOnFanta l can see why it wasn’t top of your priority list! I very much doubt it will be top of mine

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:32

@SettingPrecedents it is shocking and yeah a bit depressing really. I thought we had all evolved and moved forward but l guess not

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:39

@Julia234 l think it’s a terrible idea for me though. It’s different folks, different strokes. I want to get on the next rung of the ladder and now fiancé / soon to be husband is more than happy to do 50/50 on the childcare front with me. We may well change our mind if something else works for us but l am super super reluctant to walk away from a decent pension and a good rate of pay. Plus my current manager is super understanding -he has no issue with flexible working, him and his partner had IVF for their children as well funnily enough. There is a good chance we will be able to negotiate something that works me and the team e.g. lot of my team don’t like doing Wednesdays but l don’t mind

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EL8888 · 26/09/2022 16:44

@Igmum exactly, l also think shorter hours at a higher rate of pay in a more senior job give more options

Thanks for the congratulations!

@MrsMontyD that’s exactly what my 1st husband did! A couple of years before we split he was trying to convince me to give up work, luckily l declined point blank. We then later on split up, he wanted me out, he offered me £5k and a knackered 10 year old car. Didn’t want to give me any money back from the house we had furnished and totally refurbished with half of my money! Needless to say my solicitor made mince meat out of him

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stuntbubbles · 26/09/2022 16:45

Definitely put her on the “no information” diet. If she’s got an opinion on your career and livelihood, no doubt there’s an opinion brewing on your birth plan, how you’ll feed, sleeping, weaning… Nod, smile – even if through gritted teeth – do whatever you were going to do anyway.