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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I’m meh about my baby

60 replies

BlackBeth · 09/07/2022 18:32

At 41 I decided to have a child - I had just come out of a long term relationship with a man who didn’t want another child (he had one with his ex-wife). I had told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted kids and he told me it’s either him or a kid. Then I hit 40 and got dumped. Anyway, I decided it’s not too late to have a baby and I used IVF and donar sperm. I got pregnant my first try which ended in miscarriage and after genetic tests found out all my embryos were defective so I had to start again with extractions etc. second try I got 3 viable embryos, implanted one but it didn’t take. Decided to do a third round of extractions and only got one viable embryo, but implant (using embryo from second batch) was successful and I’m now 6 months pregnant… the whole IVF ordeal lasted 8 months. I tried so hard and spent so much money and it’s something I wanted for a very long time so I should be over the moon, but problem is I’m not. I’m not sure if I’m still grieving the first miscarriage, or all the Drs and medications and injections put me off, but I don’t feel very happy about being pregnant and I don’t feel love for my baby. Mum trying to be excited about it, I’ve bought all the baby clothes, getting things for nursery etc, but instead I feel nothing. Has anyone been through this? Having trouble bonding with baby before it’s born ?

OP posts:

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 18:34

I didn’t know you did bond before they were born,I certainly didnt.

Cyw2018 · 09/07/2022 18:39

I couldn't do all the talking to/singing to my bump or imagining my DD.

I was worn out with HG.

It didn't stop me bonding once DD was born.

Original poster

BlackBeth · 09/07/2022 18:39

I just hear friends talk who’ve had kids and they say how they loved their bean growing inside them.. and they all say to me how excited and happy I must be etc… but I’m not

OP posts:

ouch12345 · 09/07/2022 18:39

I couldn't even imagine having a child when I was pregnant. Pregnancy is horrible IMO. I
Imagine it feels a bit of an anti climax having been through what you have and expecting to feel this overwhelming love. I
didn't feel a connection when I was pregnant at all. But then when both were born it was a different story. It will blow you away, Don't worry, it's completely normal and will be completely different when they are here.

pennysays · 09/07/2022 18:42

I wasn’t fussed about being pregnant, it was a pain, I wasn’t fussed when it arrived, I couldn’t engage with it and thought I had made a terrible mistake. Several years on, I am so delighted. Don’t worry about bonding with a thing growing inside you.

Littlegoth · 09/07/2022 18:49

I didn’t. I felt protective, but I’d had 3 miscarriages and I mainly felt either terrified, or tried not to get too attached. When I was in my last trimester and he was moving a lot I started to feel more of a connection, but it was really when he was born, after that initial feeling of being protective, and not knowing what to do, that I started to bond.

Lollyathome111 · 09/07/2022 18:52

I'm feeling same , I feel sometimes excited but then It goes ..
I actually get annoyed sometimes because my bf family and mine really are so excited and getting involved like buying loads of things and I feel like saying "please just stop , calm down ".
Not that I don't want it , though I just don't know feel like don't know I didn't think this is how pregnancy would feel - so anyways I found out the gender ( it was going to be a suprise at birth ) as heard it can give you more like " feels" towards baby but nope .. just regret not waiting now and yet again everyone was way more excited finding out then me . Anyways when I think of anything happening to baby or anything I feel sad so I must care somewhere thats my way of knowing deep down I'll love them once here xx Im sure you'll a bond even if you do need a little help at first were all human 💖💖

ofwarren · 09/07/2022 18:56

I've had 3 and felt nothing till they were born.
Totally normal.

Blankbias · 09/07/2022 18:58

I had three miscarriages before mine. I could not get excited about pregnancy and didn’t even think it was real (even when I had a visible bump and could see it clearly on the scan). Didn’t buy anything until right at the last minute. Birth was great, then I felt a bit detached as really struggled with feeding as didn’t have enough milk. Once I sorted that and my baby started to develop a personality, I completely fell in love and am head over heels now. Don’t stress it or force it. I think sometimes it’s difficult when you’ve wanted it so much and have suffered losses, there is a big expectation. Just take things as they come and certainly don’t worry about trying to force a bond with a baby before birth - even friends who have had no difficulties getting pregnant said they didn’t do this either!

carrotChicory · 09/07/2022 19:01

I very much bonded in pregnancy despite severe HG and developed such a fear of miscarriage from previous losses.

i definitely loved and bonded with my baby but midwives kept asking did I talk to my bump and sing to it - which I didn’t but I still felt bonded and they didn’t seem to understand they I could do that without taking my bump !!

stairgates · 09/07/2022 19:01

Yep, no connection to my big belly either here but as soon as I was handed her the switch was flicked and all the lights came on😁

concernedguineapig · 09/07/2022 19:02

Maybe try counselling?

Loulou377 · 09/07/2022 19:03

I felt like this throughout my two pregnancies. Hormones are crazy and the last 3 months are the worst. Try not to worry I had no problem bonding with them once they arrived

SouperNoodle · 09/07/2022 19:03

I would talk to my belly and felt fond of my bump but the baby inside didn't feel real so no, I didn't bond. Didn't particularly like her once she was born either. Started bonding when she was 4 weeks old and now she's 4.5 and I adore her (even when she's being a little sod 😂)

swanfake · 09/07/2022 19:10

Another who didn't bond with my bump or when he was handed to me. It felt really alien to be handed this new baby and be the one responsible for him. I was really protective of him in a way I would be for any child entrusted to me, but not in a personalised way. It clicked after I had gotten home and spent a couple of days with baby on me non stop.

Soubriquet · 09/07/2022 19:13

Pregnancy was awful for me with dd. I had HG, SPD and I had a fall which caused me to go into early labour at 28 weeks, resulting in a stay in hospital on a drip to stop baby coming. Which worked. She stayed inside for another 10 weeks but it meant I was bed and wheelchair bound.

I did not enjoy pregnancy one bit. I did not bond at all whilst pregnant. I didn’t even bond when she was first born. It grew and I love her to bits now.

Pregnancy with ds wasn’t as bad. I still had SPD but it wasn’t as bad. I did have to go for daily checkups when I hit 35 weeks because he suddenly stopped growing, and then I was induced at 37 weeks. I didn’t bond with him at all during pregnancy, but I got that instant rush of love when he was first born.

I felt guilty that I felt that way about ds and not dd but reading on here made me realise it’s normal.

Please relax. The love will come

inmyslippers · 09/07/2022 19:13

I hated pregnancy. Cried every day. Miserable as sin. But soon as he was born it lifted.

orangeisthenewpuce · 09/07/2022 19:17

BlackBeth · 09/07/2022 18:39

I just hear friends talk who’ve had kids and they say how they loved their bean growing inside them.. and they all say to me how excited and happy I must be etc… but I’m not

Bean?

Moretodo · 09/07/2022 19:18

It's good that you are talking about it.
You have been through so much, a lot of grief and pain to get where you are. You must have really wanted this baby!

Just let yourself feel however you feel.

My friend was telling me that it wasn't until her DD was about one that she was feeding her one evening and she thought "aw- you're alright really".

Keep talking.

Namechanger355 · 09/07/2022 19:19

Totally normal!!

I didn’t bond at all with bump - even when I felt lots of movement

also didn’t bond that much in first few days - i loved baby but it was just really surreal.

but honestly after that the love is like nothing else I promise - I’m head over heels and my dd gives my life purpose

JennyForeigner · 09/07/2022 19:23

Pregnancy sucks. I had to name all mine the moment we got the sex scan to feel I was starting to have any sense of them. Newborns are lovable but when they get to 1 or so and the personality just shouts out of them... that's when it becomes the most extraordinary adventure.

MuchTooTired · 09/07/2022 19:27

I detested pregnancy. I felt guilty because my ivf worked for me when it doesn’t for so many, felt awful because I hated it and didn’t want to be pregnant when it was what I wanted, and was googling abortions whilst praying my babies made it. It was a complete and utter head fuck. Turns out I was traumatised by ivf, had prenatal depression which then became post natal depression and was really just an unpleasant period of my life.

Once the ads kicked in the world became colour and I felt desperately in love with my babies. I knew I loved them, but didn’t feel it until I was on the pills if that makes sense!

I didn’t bond with my bump, apart from crying and telling them that I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother.

Maybe speak to your GP or MW for some support. Also, don’t feel bad if you’re not head over heels the second you meet your baby, not everyone is. Luckily my mum had already told me that so that’s one thing I didn’t torture myself with 😀

Alopeciabop · 09/07/2022 19:28

I remember lots of people bleating on about all the love they felt when the baby was handed to them and instagrammy types proudly displaying their bumps and looking loved up.

I did not feel any of this. Was weirded out by them when they were born. (Takes about four days to a week for them to “fluff up” and start looking like real babies btw so don’t worry if you just think it looks like an alien)

I love my kids. and wouldn’t change them for the world.

you should talk to someone asap about your recent and relevant trauma though to make sure you’re handling it. But totally normal to feel this way.

as a PS., most people who looked loved up with their Instagram bumps started posting about their pnd and how they weren’t happy during pregnancy. Who knows what’s true…maybe a bit of all of it. Pregnancy is soooo weird even if it it “the most natural thing in the world”

it’s like Christmas Day on speed. Not feeling all consuming happiness is to be expected I think

MiseryWIthAStent · 09/07/2022 19:28

I never felt a bond when I was pregnant. Everyone always said I would but I just didn't, I loved them after. Not an instant love, a love that grew over time. I would do anything for them now, I think it's okay to feel like that sometimes.

wibblewobbleball · 09/07/2022 19:29

Pregnancy was a horrible ordeal, and I found no joy in it at all. The only thing I was excited about was not being pregnant. When my baby arrived I fell head first in love within minutes

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