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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I’m meh about my baby

60 replies

BlackBeth · 09/07/2022 18:32

At 41 I decided to have a child - I had just come out of a long term relationship with a man who didn’t want another child (he had one with his ex-wife). I had told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted kids and he told me it’s either him or a kid. Then I hit 40 and got dumped. Anyway, I decided it’s not too late to have a baby and I used IVF and donar sperm. I got pregnant my first try which ended in miscarriage and after genetic tests found out all my embryos were defective so I had to start again with extractions etc. second try I got 3 viable embryos, implanted one but it didn’t take. Decided to do a third round of extractions and only got one viable embryo, but implant (using embryo from second batch) was successful and I’m now 6 months pregnant… the whole IVF ordeal lasted 8 months. I tried so hard and spent so much money and it’s something I wanted for a very long time so I should be over the moon, but problem is I’m not. I’m not sure if I’m still grieving the first miscarriage, or all the Drs and medications and injections put me off, but I don’t feel very happy about being pregnant and I don’t feel love for my baby. Mum trying to be excited about it, I’ve bought all the baby clothes, getting things for nursery etc, but instead I feel nothing. Has anyone been through this? Having trouble bonding with baby before it’s born ?

OP posts:

skinnylov · 10/07/2022 01:42

I didn't really feel anything when I was pregnant. I felt a lot of worry about something going wrong at each stage and the odd occasion of excitement but not much. Then when she was born I expected to feel this rush of love but all I felt was exhausted and terrified and like I'd made a massive mistake. I then battled through the newborn stage, exhausted, anxious, depressed and hating every minute of it. The toddler stage was a bit better but not by much. It honestly took me years to bond with my daughter, it wasn't till she was 5 years old that I properly felt that 'rush of love'.

I felt so guilty for so long about this but I think it's pretty normal and I just wish someone had told me as it wasn't something I felt I could say out loud in real life. My daughter is turning 9 in a few months and she is the absolute light of my life, I love her so much, I am so bonded and connected to her and her to me. I would go through it all again in a heartbeat, every single painful terrifying moment has been worth it and I could not imagine my life without her. She is hands down the most important part of my life and the person that brings me the most joy.

I guess the point of my post is to not put too much pressure on yourself to instantly bond when baby is born, you might but you might not and not to fret if you don't. It will come gradually, over time. It will be overwhelming at first especially if doing it alone. So no I wouldn't worry about not feeling 'as you should' because a lot of women don't and much more than they admit.

Verbena87 · 10/07/2022 05:31

I just hear friends talk who’ve had kids and they say how they loved their bean growing inside them.. and they all say to me how excited and happy I must be etc… but I’m not

how many of them started their journey to pregnancy with complicated, traumatic, physically invasive treatment, repeated loss of one kind or another and powerful synthetic hormones? Just because your treatment has now been successful doesn’t mean that post trauma (it is trauma) disappears in a puff of smoke. Don’t put pressure on yourself to suddenly be fully present to what’s going on and bonding with your baby - it’s not surprising you’re a bit numb and weary, or that your brain would try and protect you from feeling more grief if things go wrong by not developing an attachment.

counselling might be handy. My ivf clinic offer it for free and with specialist counsellors who know the process - maybe give them a ring?

HannahWashington · 10/07/2022 05:34

Trust me its totes normal! the idea of having a mini human iside of you may seem exiting till its real...

harri2214 · 10/07/2022 05:57

I'm in the early stages of pregnant now and struggling to feel happy. I had bad depression during my last pregnancy (was ok once it was out) and i deeply resented the changes that happened to my body, the unplanned nature of my pregnancy, the expectation that every pregnant woman should feel happy and "blessed". I had awfully dark thoughts about the thing growing inside me and i really hope they don't recur. I'm actually quite anxious about the next 7-8 months but my best advice is take it day by day.

I never loved being a mum of a tiny crying newborn and felt trapped quite often (esp as I was alone after the r/ship broke down) but gradually u develop your own bond with your child, you respect them as little individuals and cherish the people they become.
Right now I am focusing on my work and trying to stay healthy and not anaylse my feelings too much. Perhaps it's a distraction from being pregnant but if it keeps depression at bay it's worth it!
Don't let other peoples' expectations or views on how you "should" be affect you.

LeftTheWashingOut · 10/07/2022 09:08

I felt exactly like you with my first pregnancy. Even when it was wriggling around inside me when I was heavily pregnant it still felt so surreal. Talking to my belly felt weird - my husband was the same. At my NHS antenatal class we were all asked if we felt bonded with our babies - everyone said yes and I said no. At which point several others also agreed with me, so it is more common than you think. I'm not saying that many people don't feel bonded with their unborn babies, but that just because you don't feel that bond now doesn't mean you won't when they're born, or that you won't be a good mum. Mind you, I also wasn't overcome with love upon birth, just an overwhelming feeling of responsibility. The love grew as my son developed from a blob into a little personality. I'm pregnant with my second now (early days) and don't particularly feel any excitement/love yet either, but I know it will come in the end

LeftTheWashingOut · 10/07/2022 09:09

And just rereading my post I have referred to my unborn son as "it" which sort of sums up my feelings during pregnancy

RudsyFarmer · 10/07/2022 09:33

I think there’s a good chance youre protecting yourself from possible hurt by emotionally distancing yourself from the baby. It’s very common. I did it too.

georgarina · 10/07/2022 11:03

I've never felt anything toward my babies before they're born. In fact I was somewhat apprehensive at times, thinking about what would be coming out of me!

With my first I think I started bonding slowly. I remember the first night my grandma saying "you'll get used to him."

The second I had more of the falling-in-love-instantly. I think maybe because I felt less like "oh fuck what have I done?! I don't know how to do this"

I love them both completely the same now and they're everything to me!

Pregnant with my third now and again no feelings for the baby apart from strong feeling it's a boy.

Jaaxe · 10/07/2022 15:32

Agree with previous posters. Had 3 and pregnant with number 4 and felt no real connection to any of them until they were born, same with this one. Hate pregnancy and feel anxious throughout like something bad is going to happen and I shouldn’t get attached to it.

Completely changed the minute they were in my arms, felt the rush of love every time and instant need to protect them at all costs. Don’t worry not everyone bonds before they’re born, it’s just not openly talked about x

TheAverageUser · 10/07/2022 15:40

I don't think i really even believed there was a baby in there until he came out 😛

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