I’m meh about my baby

[BlackBeth]

At 41 I decided to have a child - I had just come out of a long term relationship with a man who didn’t want another child (he had one with his ex-wife). I had told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted kids and he told me it’s either him or a kid. Then I hit 40 and got dumped. Anyway, I decided it’s not too late to have a baby and I used IVF and donar sperm. I got pregnant my first try which ended in miscarriage and after genetic tests found out all my embryos were defective so I had to start again with extractions etc. second try I got 3 viable embryos, implanted one but it didn’t take. Decided to do a third round of extractions and only got one viable embryo, but implant (using embryo from second batch) was successful and I’m now 6 months pregnant… the whole IVF ordeal lasted 8 months. I tried so hard and spent so much money and it’s something I wanted for a very long time so I should be over the moon, but problem is I’m not. I’m not sure if I’m still grieving the first miscarriage, or all the Drs and medications and injections put me off, but I don’t feel very happy about being pregnant and I don’t feel love for my baby. Mum trying to be excited about it, I’ve bought all the baby clothes, getting things for nursery etc, but instead I feel nothing. Has anyone been through this? Having trouble bonding with baby before it’s born ?

Oh had to come back just to say…bean? 🤢 this has to be banned

I didn't like being pregnant the first time, and this time I've had extreme nausea and have enjoyed it even less. Not everyone enjoys it or feels gushy feelings about the baby while it's still inside them. I'm probably extreme (I have tokophobia) but I relate to it as a little parasite and can't wait to have my body back to myself again!

This did not stop me loving my little one as soon as we met him and I am completely expecting it to be the same when number 2 arrives in October.

It actually really annoys me that there's this social expectation that everyone must 'bond with their bump'. It's even pushed by midwives - the spiel at the bottom of my 16 week appointment letter went on about singing to, stroking your bump etc. No thanks. I'd rather not get too attached to something until it's safely been delivered.

Hated the idea of a ‘bean’, associated all scan pics with morning sickness, hated pregnancy everytime, felt like babies were ungrateful parasites

Love DC more than anything!

Please take the pressure off yourself OP. You have gone through so much to have this baby compared with most, give yourself a break.

I was disappointed at how little I felt for my bump during my first pregnancy, but then my daughter was born and wow, there is no feeling like it! Having her was the best decision ever. Pregnant with a little boy now too. Best of luck to you.

I didn’t do all the soppy stuff either before he was born. I had a section and I was SO worried about myself (and him) during it that I kind of forgot someone was going to hand me an actual baby at one point. I was just waiting to die any second (dramatic🤣) when the guy at my head said ‘they have a baby’ and I thought how weird, an actual baby?! I don’t want to say the whole cringe line about ‘you’ll know when you see them’ but it kind of was like that. Maybe not instantly but as I was wheeled back round (alive?! 😧) I just felt like the luckiest person on earth to have been given this little person. I’m not someone who’s desperate to hold peoples babies and I never really thought I wanted one before I all of a sudden did. Whenever I held him though I didn’t have that same feeling and wasn’t worried about hurting him or anything because he was mine. I think the emotion fully hit the day after we got home. I’d been awake all night in hospital just listening to the noise of everyone’s babies so I was so glad to get home but all of a sudden this relief or happiness or love just overwhelmed me and I cried for a few minutes 😂 That was the only one time I cried but it was definitely just me realising that he was here and it was all going to be okay.

you’ll be fine, wait til you see that cute little face 🥰

Not really, as I'd also had a loss before DS was born living. I think loss might make you a bit more guarded with your feelings.

Some posters above have been saying how they fell in love as soon as their baby was born... be aware that happens to roughly two thirds of women, and the other third need to fall in love slowly over the weeks and months. Either is fine!

I definitely think it's just a consequence of what it's taken to get this far after 20 years of watching people around you have babies it's a huge thing, then to think it won't happen because you were 40 and single and let alone with the losses on top. I think you're protecting yourself in case something goes wrong. It's certainly what I did. I didn't barely tell anyone or talk to my bump until the calendar said my baby could survive if born prem, which she was!

28wks and also struggling with not feeling any connection. Everyone else is asking about names, and showing me pics of cute baby stuff and I just don't care. It's a baby that's been wanted since I was 7, pretending to breastfeed my dolls, but it just feels now that my biological clock stopped ticking a few years ago, and this pregnancy is a huge mistake. Desperately hoping things work out like they have for the rest of the women in this thread.

Generally it feels not real. You’ve not met the baby. I don’t know anyone who bonds on pregnancy. Genuinely didn’t know that was even a thing.

it’s completely normal not to, I’d say it’s more unusual to feel a bond.

I hated being pregnant the first time and I'm enjoying it even less this time. It's worse this time since I have another child I can't really enjoy my time with because I'm so tired and grumpy and just want to sleep, and so I have huge mum guilt as well. I remember being baffled when people asked was I talking to the baby? And then half-heartedly blaring out classical music in the direction of my tummy because a friend was doing that 😂. This time around, baby has mostly been hearing me grump/shout at DH/ my other DC.

I'd like to say it got better instantly post-birth but actually what I remember is being handed this skinny little alien-looking creature that was all screwed up and screaming and being terrified I was going to drop the baby while being stitched up. Things really started improving a couple of months in when the baby's personality started shining through and we could start doing some things together. And it's just got better and better since.

My midwife was very clear it’s a red flag if they feel a woman is not bonding with her unborn baby

I think post natal depression rates are higher in ivf mothers. I hope I haven't made that up. Can you access counselling thorough your clinic? I think you should mention it to your midwife. I've had miscarriages and multiple rounds of ivf, it really can fuck you up. There's no shame in asking for support.

God I don’t think you need to even think about bonding before it’s born, for some people it takes a few months after..

pregnancy is hard enough. Chill

I certainly didn’t love my baby when I was pregnant - I didn’t know her and she just made me feel rubbish! I don’t think it’s unusual at all to be pretty “meh” while you’re pregnant (and often for a while afterwards).

@fpurplea

Honestly it will be fine. There is a ridiculous amount of pressure to be excited by everything. You are basically growing a parasite 😀 that leaves you exhausted. Pregnancy is hard, you will bond, it might take a few months after but you will.

Then your midwife is a muppet. 🙃

I think when you've been through so much you protect yourself by not fully believing it's really going to happen until you have given birth and are both safe and well. It will all fall into place in about 3 months time!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I felt really indifferent during mine. I've always been very maternal and baby was very much planned and wanted but I didn't feel any real attachment to my bump. I hated people touching it and whilst I never felt any regret about being pregnant, I just didn't ever feel much excitement, or anything at all really.
Do you know what you're having? We didn't find out and I think I would have felt more connected to baby if I'd known.
Have a beautiful DD who is 15 months and I just couldn't imagine life without her, she is my whole world and I feel a sadness now thinking I had an extra 9 months just with her that I never really appreciated. People say it's the most overwhelming love, and it is, but even at birth I didn't feel it straight away. I felt a familiarity and an instinct to look after her but I did wonder what was wrong with me as these feelings I expected just weren't there at the time. About day 2 it came, and wow is it overwhelming! The love will come, it's the most natural bond and feeling on earth. You will be fine, don't worry x
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She was obsessed with was I talking and singing to my bump or not - i had bonded fine but wasn’t - she kept asking did either of us talk to baby ? I told her that he could hear my voice all the time anyway and therefore did it matter who it was directed to ? As I had definitely bonded and loved my baby but she was umming and ahhing about not singing it talking telling me about concerns

Totally normal, don't worry about it. Also don't worry if you don't have that rush of love when they're born. Sometimes bonding needs to grow.

Your midwife was an idiot then. And also one who could cause damage by making a woman think she's a bad mother before the baby is even born.

Didn’t bond with mine at all whilst pregnant. I remember having this massive panic attack in the middle of the night because I’d read this article about a woman who had delayed cancer treatment to birth her child and then died shortly after. And all I could this was if that’s me, and it’s between me and my unborn baby - save me! Then I had my first baby, didn’t bond with them til they were at least a month old. Second baby bonded immediately after birth. Third baby bonded immediately after birth. I’m a good ish mum and love my children intensely. I’d die for them now in a heart beat.

Dont worry xxx

I did multiple IVFs, had two losses and then had twins.
The twin pregnancy was textbook - no symptoms, nausea, etc. But I couldn't believe the pregnancy would make it to term, so I probably didn't bond with the bump. Even the night before I gave birth, I was still expecting to have a miscarriage. I could never say the words "I am pregnant", since maybe I had had a MMC I didn't know about.
As soon as the babies were born, I relaxed and bonded with them.

I did feel it from the word go with DS but his birth caused PTSD so I felt very detached whilst pregnant with DD.
It wasn't a huge rush of love at her birth either like it was with him, it was more gradual over the 1st day/night.
I honestly couldn't love her more if I tried now.
You've had a traumatic few months. Sometimes our brains shut our emotions down a bit to protect us.
Just look after yourself and rest. You'll never know love like it once you feel it, and you will.