Terrified of new born stage!!

[Pondz]

Hi everyone!

I hope this is ok to post here. Basically, me and my husband have been talking about how we are ready for a baby. We have spoken about it a lot over the years and now that we feel like it’s time I’m suddenly extremely terrified of the new born stage. So much so that it’s making me delay. We decided to start trying in April but so far have been using condoms because I can’t bring myself to do it.

It isn’t motherhood that I’m afraid of - in fact I can’t wait! It’s the baby stage. I know I want a family, i can’t imagine my life without and I have a deep longing for this. I think about it every day. I am also aware that there are lots of hurdles along the way and each new stage has its own challenges, it’s not as if after they are newborns everything is suddenly easy. I am just very worried of the shock of having a baby and our worlds being turned upside down. I’m scared of the toll it may take on my relationship and the sleepless nights and the monotonous repetitive days that I’ve heard about. Everyone says how unbearably tough it is and when I imagine the new born stage I feel like it’s a few weeks/months of misery.

The thing is, I know I have to just get through it if I want a family. So I am posting here to get some reassurance in hopes that it gives me the kick up the bum to get on with it. Please can you tell me how people get through this stage and offer some positive words? Are there any tips on how to make it more bearable? Is there anyone here who actually loved the new born stage?

I thought it would be hell. I really enjoyed it. It was really hard don’t get me wrong, I thought I might die from tiredness in the first 6 weeks but overall it was much better than I feared. If you go in to it expecting the worst you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

DD was EBF and didn’t sleep, fed constantly but otherwise fairly straightforward I think. No reflux etc.

the newborn stage itself isn't something to be scared of. it's just something you get through because you have to. Read up about the 4th trimester so you know what to expect. Baby will think its still inside the womb so will want to be on you 24/7 which is natural. I find knowing things in advance means they come as less of a shock and you're better mentally prepared to deal with them.

whilst not everyone gets that immediate overwhelming rush of love, and some get post partum depression, most people would do anything for their child and so when something needs doing they just do it, even if sleep deprived.

what you're saying about your life changing applies regardless, whether it's newborn stage or not. Life does change. Relationships do change. Everything becomes about the child, at least the first couple of years I'd say, but if you and your partner are on the same page and are expecting changes then it shouldnt come as too much of a shock.

If I'm honest I found the newborn stage easier than stages after. my daughter didn't sleep through the night til 18 months so being back at work and having disrupted sleep felt worse. every stage has its ups and downs but most parents I think would agree its worth it to see your child grow and develop.

you say you can't wait to be a mother. if that's the case I'd get on with trying as you never know what struggles you may face getting there, which can pale in the face of having to deal with the newborn stage.

I have to confess, I do hate the newborn stage, currently in it second time around and it turns out it wasn’t DD, I feel like this generally 😂 HOWEVER - two things. First, there’s no point trying to second guess yourself, pre children I thought I’d hate the toddler stage as I’m allergic to mess, noise and chaos but actually I really love it! So you may well love the newborn stage, there’s no way of predicting. Secondly, as I’m doing this second time I know for a fact that it does in fact end! It actually flies by - DS is 6 weeks now and I know that I’m halfway through the 4th trimester and it really eases up after the first 3 months (less screaming!) My favourite parenting mantra is ‘everything is a phase’ - so the good bits don’t last but neither do the bad bits. :)

Honestly I've found the newborn stage the easiest! DD2 was born just over a week ago and she spends probably 17 hours a day asleep. She feeds, poops, sleeps. DD1 was the same. With DH around, there's actually not a great deal to do. I've been mainlining box sets on Prime

The newborn stage is hard. But unless there's post natal depression etc involved it's not often "oh no I've ruined my life" hard. It's manageable although tiring. And wonderful. However it is so so short. It passes so quickly and you barely remember just how difficult it was. My first never slept until he was 4 months basically, and we still went on to have another 2 years later. The second they are crawling you forget all about the lack of sleep and wish you could still just put them somewhere and have them STAY there for 5 minutes. It will be a whole lot easier if you and DH have a plan of how you're going to split sleep between you. And agree to be fluid and be willing to adjust and change that plan as and when required. Be wary of PND and don't be scared to ask for help. Thinking you should be supermum and not admit if youre struggling definitely makes it much harder. As far as your life being turned upside down, it becomes the new normal very quickly. It's a huge change and of course its scary. Dont let that short period of time when they're tiny be what puts you off if you're ready though.

Not going to lie - I found it fucking awful. I really hated it.

But - it's over quickly.

My approach was just to power through, forgetting almost everything else.

It really depends on your baby and your recovery. My baby had read Gina Ford in the womb and I was incredibly lucky. For others it can be hard, especially if you're bf and find it difficult. But looking back, it is not at all challenging compared to most other stages. They can't move without you moving them, if you have to put them in a cot and walk away you can, they usually sleep a lot. Of all the things to worry about this is not one of them.

I have a 19mo and I’m 11 weeks pregnant, so in the ‘current’ stage for this.
Newborn stage until about 6 months was honestly pretty easy, he just slept on me a lot while I watched TV or read! We went for walks and he slept in the pram (he was born end of 2020 into lockdown so not much on) we were lucky to avoid things like CMPA which make the newborn stage hard. Yes it can be quite repetative but you can lean into it, it’s really such a short amount of time.
He slept in the bed with me and I breastfed lying down so I didn’t find the frequent waking hard. Hand on heart Im more tired now I’m pregnant than I was the whole first year when he woke much more. 6-10 months was harder because he crawled early and was into everything but couldn’t really do much yet, once he started walking (11mo) and we could go to the park and play more it all got a lot more fun. But honestly it was all fine, so much so I’m doing it again! Toddlers are also crazy but so much fun!

Yes it can be tiring, yes you can feel touched out and just want to whinge and be alone some days, but there’s good and bad days whatever life you choose. I have found all my friends have found different stages harder and easier than each other, mostly due to the temperament of their baby (they’re born with a personality already set it’s amazing!) or their own personalities.

It did change our marriage but totally for the better. Yes we get less time alone and nights out but DH is an amazing dad who’d do anything for both of us. He’s absolutely an equal partner in everything (except breastfeeding!) and that makes such a difference. I’d talk in detail with your husband about what equal parenting really looks like
for you both because sadly I know many men who don’t do anything like an equal share. In the early days of breastfeeding constantly he fed me and brought me drinks and did all the housework. He tidied up in the evening when I went to bed with the baby. This is the stuff that will genuinely make the baby stage easier - having a proper partner.

Oof. Well, newborns don't stay newborns for very long. Actually, they are only classed as newborns for the first four weeks. Some babies are easier than others. Some cry a lot and don't like being put down. Others are colicky and very unsettled and others are the most placid, content babies imaginable. There is no way to tell what sort of baby you'll have though!

One thing all parents have in common though is the ones who have a tough time of it - especially the early days when you have the least amount of sleep and can barely function. That is that you get through it. Not everyone knows how - you just DO because you have to and over the course of a lifetime, that few weeks and months is a drop in the ocean in terms of time passing.

It does get easier. Babies usually have two parents so they can each play a part in taking responsibility for the baby whilst the other parent rests. You can tag-team if mecessary. Also, if finances allow, you could even consider some help from an agency day or night - be it cleaning and general housework, somebody to take care of the garden or literally somebody who will help you look after the baby.

I promise you it's not all shit. Far from it. The joy young children provide far outweighs the crappy times. You will watch in wonder as your child learns new skills and does things they haven't done before. When they learn to smile... then laugh... then talk... your heart will burst with love and joy and you will laugh like you've never laughed before at their antics and quirky little ways.

I hope everything works out for you! Good luck!

Also, take lots of photographs. No matter how hard it is you'll look back at those photos as a little bit of magic.

It wasn't my favourite stage. My son is now 2 and he's much more fun and interesting. But the newborn stage goes quickly and there are definitely things about it to enjoy. Like the fact they can't run away

I love the newborn stage, I find owning a 3-4 year old hardest so far (I have 3dc, 7, 5 & 9 months). I could do the newborn stage forever, others hate it, everyone is different. The good news is if you don't like that stage it really is not long at all (she says sadly!)

Of course it's hard. But it's wonderful. So many things that are challenging bring us deep contentment and satisfaction.

Just to add to the above, friends who insisted on things like baby having to sleep in a cot on not on them, or having to sleep in another room bang on 6m definitely found it harder. Babies want to be close to us to feel safe, many will wake as soon as they’re put down for months. 8-10 months is the worst for sleep for many, having to get up and go to another room to sooth them multiple times a night is a ball ache you don’t need!

Learn about normal baby behaviour and development, don’t try to force them into unnatural routines, and make life easier for yourself

I personally loved the newborn stage with all of mine

yes, the first couple of weeks are tough while you recover, and work each other out, and get used to feeding
but they sleep all the time, and the cuddles are adorable and there are no expectations on you to do anything more than watch tv and nap

toddlers, on the other hand… those things are savages…

Personally I loved the newborn stage, even with the sleepless nights! I have a 3 year old and 18 month old and it's hell! Even though they both sleep through the night, toddlers are such hard work! Give me newborns any day! Haha

Newborns are awesome, toddlers are bloody savages though

I definitely found the newborn stage easier than my daughter's stage currently at almost 2!

The sleep deprivation is hard. Everyone will tell you that and you can't picture how hard it will feel until you go through it, even with people telling you. I found the nights tiring but then I'd get to 7am and think yep, I can get through the day after all, ready to do it all again tonight.

I so enjoyed soaking up newborn cuddles on the sofa, watching tv. I'm pregnant with number two and you realise it's just a one time experience - if you have older children you can't sit around all day!

Many parents (including myself) find that baby won't suddenly sleep through all night from 6 weeks and this is very normal. My 21 month old dd was up between 11-3:30 last night teething. This is also normal!

I hated the newborn stage about as much as anyone could.

It was all worth it and I’d do it again in a heartbeat for DD.

My favourite ever parenting quote is "No parent has all their shit together. We're all just fucking winging it and hoping nobody finds out". Please excuse the bad language but it's SO true and I literally live my life by that mantra.

BTW, I have a 2.5 year old daughter and am nearly 8 months pregnant with a little boy.

Newborn stage is the best and easiest stage imo.

Newborns were hard, and I spent the time wishing it away. Then suddenly (if you’re lucky!) they start sleeping, then you have this baby that becomes fun. Fast forward some time, those babies are toddlers and they’re absolute savages. Wish some more time away, they’re suddenly 4 and fun again.

Thats been my parenting journey so far 😜

I think it’s ok to hate some phases and love others, but you don’t know which ones you’ll love/hate until you have the specific child you’ve made go through that stage. You might have one of those magical newborns that get that humans sleep at night, or you might not, but you won’t know until you do it unfortunately.

Thank you so much everyone for your messages! I am already feeling a lot more positive. Some of them have even made me feel a bit emotional.

It has definitely given me the reassurance that I need, thank you all x

Totally depends on the baby, I really enjoyed newborn stage with DS1, DS2 was much more difficult, didn’t enjoy him until he was about 7mths. But it is totally and utterly worth all the pain & sleeplessness. Having my children has made my life.

The newborn stage isn't great (unless you love newborns!) but it's shit because of the sleep deprivation. All ages are tough in a different way. The sleep dep phase is short in grand scheme of life but don't expect to get over that and then parenting be an absolute joy