Help husband wants me to abort

[Loveyourself2022]

**Trigger warning
I am 36, my husband 40, he is currently waiting on a heart transplant. We have 3 children. My two 10 & 11 from previous marriage and his 13 from previous relationship that did not last long.

he originally had vasectomy consult last summer but then canceled. We found out in March this year that I am pregnant. At first I was scared, then it quickly faded and I became excited. Keep in mind- between us both we are comfortable financially, so very fortunate, we are not rich but not struggling.

at first he was supportive and seemed excited and scared but that quickly changed and he gave me an ultimatum stating to abort or ruin our marriage. He also stated that I focus on putting marriage first then kids but right now I am not doing that and our baby could be growing up w out a father. I argue with him on that and state we both never make each other pick getting rid of our kids now, we just make sure we have no mini spouse running around in the house since we are a blended family. The health aspect I 100% understand his fear but I also find this a blessing and if something ever happened I can and very willing to take care of our baby alone. He tells me I’m selfish because of that, but I think it’s selfish to terminate on “what ifs.” I love this baby, I LOVE my husband I have stayed by his side w heart failure yet he says he’ll part ways when we have unplanned pregnancy. I’ve seen her on ultrasound and in my dreams. He also had a hard time w his son when he was a baby, he had lots of issues that he still has and he is primary caregiver (financially and physical custody) but I am by his side helping.

i don’t know what to do bcos if I keep the baby which I am sure I will, he has said to get out!!! I feel I don’t know this person and not sure if he’s scared w heart or probably seeing his dark other side. Pls help. I am struggling w not feeling bitter bcos I don’t understand why his son was good enough to keep but his daughter should be terminated ( pls don’t mean these are my feelings, I know it’s not exactly like this but it’s how I feel)

I wouldn't abort a baby you want. I wouldn't stay with a man who forced me to choose - especially when he previously backed out of the vasectomy (assuming he did back out and didn't have to cancel because of his health, of course).

Choose the baby. Seriously. Don't make the mistake I did.

Sadly, I think your husband has possibly just ruined the marriage by trying to make you choose him over your baby. Don't abort when you don't want to. Sorry you're going through this, i hope he comes around.

Don't have an abortion that you don't want . He is being very unreasonable and if you abort I fear you wouldn't have an easy time living him afterwards anyway.

He backed out because of work not heart. And he still hasn’t rescheduled. I asked him why he still hasn’t made the appt given our situation and I’ve been pregnant for 14weeks. IMO I would have at least scheduled consult again realizing we are both very fertile. It’s the one thing he has complete control over.

You’re right, I think I would strongly dislike him and even struggle with his child even though this is not his child’s fault at all. I have been there for him and his son and treat him like my own. I feel like him saying abort or get out is cruel and makes me question if this isn’t nerves it’s highly likely true love never existed.

Keep your baby.

I want too and plan too, next I just need to find movers and a new home. Which is overwhelming. But I can do it. Finding a house will be the hardest bcos market is crazy even for renting.

Please keep the baby if that’s your wish. You will life to regret it if not. Go with your heart on this one.

Why are you the one who has to leave?

Your marriage will probably end anyway if you abort a pregnancy you want. Baby steps. Time to look at your options and what you're entitled to. He can't just say get out, you're married. Speak to a solicitor.

You are married and will be primary carer for his baby, do you take the lead for care with his son too? How long have you been together/married? I wouldn't leave, he can.

he bought the house 13 yrs ago before me, so it’s his, that’s the other thing we were looking for a new home. Who kicks a pregnant woman out? I am in such shock thinking he is hoping that kind of threat will make me do what he wants. Which only damages our relationship.

Are you sure that you wouldn't be entitled to a share of the property if you separate

I take the lead with his son, who is my son as well in my eyes. Been together 7 yrs and married a year.

He is incredibly selfish to expect you to have an abortion because he didnt bother to go through with the vasectomy

Im massively pro choice, and the key word in that is choice. Just like i think women shouldnt be forced to carry a baby, i dont think women should be forced to terminate a baby.

He had two chances to stop this from happening (vasectomy or abstention assuming this is a contraceptive failure) he doesnt get to force a third chance on you.

Given you already have children I wouldnt be able to continue a relationship in your shoes where he has clearly said he expects to be put before children

I also find it interesting that you are married but he thinks he has the right to force you to leave the house, and that he thinks its acceptable to threaten to make two children homeless because their mum wont get an abortion.

Get legal advice.

Don't leave, stay , keep the baby what he does is up tp him.

Thank you everyone, I am reading every reply and you will have no idea the extra strength it is giving me, thank you 🙏

It’s not for him to tell you what to do, and he cannot kick you out of your home.

You are going through a lot right now, but try and calmly express that to him. He must be terrified about his future and I can understand it’s the last thing he wants, but he will have to learn to live with it.

If possible, hold off this conversation till Monday. Try and book a solicitors appointment for Monday morning now, pull all your financials over the weekend, and talk to him once you have a rough idea of what you are entitled to and how you can protect yourself from the solicitor. You will certainly be entitled to some of the value of the house to support you and your child. And if he knows that he might calm down, stop making crazy threats and accept it.

The pair of you have been selfish not to have contraception in order, because this is a poor situation to bring a baby into. But that’s no more on you than him.

Good grief. What a horrible man.

I think he's bothered that you'll be too tied up with the baby to care for the DC ..... and ultimately him as his health declines.

God you poor thing, he’s behaving appallingly. Good for you not backing down.

This is such a hard decision for you I can understand a bit from your dhs pov though he needs a heart transplant the stress of a baby and newborn lack of sleep can make him worse health wise and looking after older children is not as taxing, if you want to keep the baby you should definitely separate not sure if you would be entitled to anything house wise with you only being married a year though and the market is shocking for houses atm

Firstly - congratulations on your pregnancy! Exciting!

Secondly - stay put. Do not make yourself homeless. Seek legal advice. This is his child too. He needs to support you.

Thirdly - relax and wait for kicks ❤️

I’m 100 % pro choice. However it’s clear you want to keep your baby so don’t let him push you into a course of action that you will regret. Also if you are married he can’t just tell you to leave.

It may be worth giving rights of women a call, they are able to advice on things like divorce finances and property if relationships break down

If you live in london the number is
020 7608 1137

If you live outside london the number is
020 7251 6577

This is the website for the helpline opening times as they only have limited availability:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Do not let your husband make a pregnant women and two children homeless