Help husband wants me to abort

[Loveyourself2022]

**Trigger warning
I am 36, my husband 40, he is currently waiting on a heart transplant. We have 3 children. My two 10 & 11 from previous marriage and his 13 from previous relationship that did not last long.

he originally had vasectomy consult last summer but then canceled. We found out in March this year that I am pregnant. At first I was scared, then it quickly faded and I became excited. Keep in mind- between us both we are comfortable financially, so very fortunate, we are not rich but not struggling.

at first he was supportive and seemed excited and scared but that quickly changed and he gave me an ultimatum stating to abort or ruin our marriage. He also stated that I focus on putting marriage first then kids but right now I am not doing that and our baby could be growing up w out a father. I argue with him on that and state we both never make each other pick getting rid of our kids now, we just make sure we have no mini spouse running around in the house since we are a blended family. The health aspect I 100% understand his fear but I also find this a blessing and if something ever happened I can and very willing to take care of our baby alone. He tells me I’m selfish because of that, but I think it’s selfish to terminate on “what ifs.” I love this baby, I LOVE my husband I have stayed by his side w heart failure yet he says he’ll part ways when we have unplanned pregnancy. I’ve seen her on ultrasound and in my dreams. He also had a hard time w his son when he was a baby, he had lots of issues that he still has and he is primary caregiver (financially and physical custody) but I am by his side helping.

i don’t know what to do bcos if I keep the baby which I am sure I will, he has said to get out!!! I feel I don’t know this person and not sure if he’s scared w heart or probably seeing his dark other side. Pls help. I am struggling w not feeling bitter bcos I don’t understand why his son was good enough to keep but his daughter should be terminated ( pls don’t mean these are my feelings, I know it’s not exactly like this but it’s how I feel)

@Loveyourself2022 I meant red herring in the sense that given how much you appear to want the baby if you goes ahead with a termination due to the pressure being placed on you, that in the long term you will resent your partner to the extent that you breakup. I say this as someone that has lost a baby late in pregnancy which took me a long long time to come to terms with. The loss wasn't my choice so I can't even begin to imagine how you'd come to terms with it. Absolutely not judging you. Ultimately you need to choose what is best for you and what you think you can cope with long term.

@lovingtheheat
I am so sorry you lost your child late pregnancy, I can’t imagine. I agree that it would break me, and it would be something I DID to my precious innocent child, who is helpless right now. I cannot and don’t want too, I’m happy to just hear ppl opinions and stories on here, it gives me the strength I need if my husband decides to kick our life to the curb. Bcos I was starting to question if I was being selfish for wanting my baby since my husband needs a transplant.
thanks for sharing.
my heart is w you and your loss. Xx

Could he be scared that you won't be there to support him if he gets a match? If he forces you to have an abortion then you most likely won't want to be with him any longer & if he ends the marriage because you keep your baby then you won't be around either. I wonder if he is pushing you away because of the transplant, not because of the baby, as if he is testing whether you will support him or not. If he gets a transplant he could be in hospital at least a couple of weeks, you may only be in a couple of nights for the baby. Can you show him what support you could have so you can have both?

Otherwise I would do your detective work, get all your financial information sorted & see a solicitor.

He seems to be calming down and has added me to the house. Although he’s not bringing up the baby I am thinking this is his indirect way of accepting. I’m giving the convo and baby talk, some space, since this was advised by other men. As men sometimes can take longer, which is not my norm, I like to talk about everything.

Isn’t this the crux of it. Whatever you do now the relationship is probably irrevocably damaged. Either you abort and you’ll resent him, maybe even hate him, or you don’t and he has said it’s over.

So if the relationship is dead anyway you might as well suit yourself.

I am absolutely pro choice and a concerned that you are not being given free choice. It is a horrible position to be in.

I would not have an abortion for any man though.

That's good news OP
I'm don't know what the laws are in the US or where you are just you have entitlement to the house too so he can't throw you out. You are not selfish keeping your baby, he is being selfish. He is seriously unwell and panicking. However once he's calmed I hope you take it step by step and work through this. Congratulations on your baby bump- she'll be the light of your life during a very difficult time. What a lovely little miracle. Keep strong and don't make any arrangements to move out. Now the house is in your name too, that's much better.

I spoke too soon, today he asked when was I aborting. :(

How are you @Loveyourself2022? Have you thought any further about what you are going to do?

@RestingPandaFace thank you for asking, I feel sad and alone so you inquiring means a lot.
i cannot abort. Although I’ve processed that I am naturally nervous yet happy too. I can’t kill my innocent daughter. Not speaking poorly of those who do, just stating at this point I feel that I cannot. I told him this and he said I am picking unborn child over his health and our future - my daughter is the youngest and in 4th grade. She’ll be w us another 8 yrs. I understand his side from a logical standpoint but it just feels selfish to abort because we are almost “done” raising kids and he’s waiting on heart. He has seen a pic and been to one ultrasound and appears to have no heart about the baby. I am not sure that he will really leave the marriage. He appears concerned about what his family will think w us expecting too. Which I could careless. Yes we are 36 & 40 plus waiting on heart transplant for him…. But she’s w me and precious in my eyes- she’s my child so I’m being biased :)

@RestingPandaFace
if I can also be honest the more I let him talk the less it seems to be about his heart and it’s more about the disruption a new child will bring.

Well he's showing his hand now, isn't he!

@SuperSange

ugh idk, it seems that way. What are you perceiving?

So if you have made your decision about the baby, then all you can do is tell him. It’s up to you then to decide if you are happy to let him stay, and up to him separately to decide if that’s what he wants.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

That the true reason is the upheaval. Not the heart problem.

As you’re married, the marital assets include everything you own. So the house will be part of the divorce settlement. It’s not always a 50-50 split but it’s very unlikely you wouldn’t get a significant percentage of the equity given you will be raising a baby and will need a home.

Dont move out. He either needs to move out or co-habit.

Also, I hope this isn’t the case, but it’s not unusual for abuse to start during pregnancy . If he starts verbally abusing you or withholding money please get advice from the police or women’s aid.

Be selfish and do what you want. Other people are a let down. You can't trust them.

Update -My husband had a change of heart around 20 weeks. My baby girl is now here, healthy and 5 weeks old. I’m happy I didn’t let him influence me. He came around and even if he didn’t I would’ve been fine leaving. Seeing my helpless innocent daughter makes me know I made the right choice for me

Congratulations OP.

Congratulations OP. 👶

Please get legal advice OP ASAP.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Congratulations on your baby daughter op! What a lovely update!

that’s lovely OP! Congratulations on your new baby.

Awwwww congratulations ❤️ I'm proud of you. Xx

Congratulations OP 😊