Help husband wants me to abort

[Loveyourself2022]

**Trigger warning
I am 36, my husband 40, he is currently waiting on a heart transplant. We have 3 children. My two 10 & 11 from previous marriage and his 13 from previous relationship that did not last long.

he originally had vasectomy consult last summer but then canceled. We found out in March this year that I am pregnant. At first I was scared, then it quickly faded and I became excited. Keep in mind- between us both we are comfortable financially, so very fortunate, we are not rich but not struggling.

at first he was supportive and seemed excited and scared but that quickly changed and he gave me an ultimatum stating to abort or ruin our marriage. He also stated that I focus on putting marriage first then kids but right now I am not doing that and our baby could be growing up w out a father. I argue with him on that and state we both never make each other pick getting rid of our kids now, we just make sure we have no mini spouse running around in the house since we are a blended family. The health aspect I 100% understand his fear but I also find this a blessing and if something ever happened I can and very willing to take care of our baby alone. He tells me I’m selfish because of that, but I think it’s selfish to terminate on “what ifs.” I love this baby, I LOVE my husband I have stayed by his side w heart failure yet he says he’ll part ways when we have unplanned pregnancy. I’ve seen her on ultrasound and in my dreams. He also had a hard time w his son when he was a baby, he had lots of issues that he still has and he is primary caregiver (financially and physical custody) but I am by his side helping.

i don’t know what to do bcos if I keep the baby which I am sure I will, he has said to get out!!! I feel I don’t know this person and not sure if he’s scared w heart or probably seeing his dark other side. Pls help. I am struggling w not feeling bitter bcos I don’t understand why his son was good enough to keep but his daughter should be terminated ( pls don’t mean these are my feelings, I know it’s not exactly like this but it’s how I feel)

Do you think your husband might actually be terrified - facing a heart transplant, what if things go wrong and he's left seriously disabled and unable to work, care for you or any of the children, or he died. He could possibly be out of his mind with worry.

I’d say keep the baby, I was told at my 12 week scan the baby had died. And it is the most awful feeling having to abort. So much guilt and it haunted me to this day. I couldn’t imagine the feeling of doing that with a baby that was fine and well. 😞 don’t abort, you might never forgive yourself

He must be worried about his heart, but that does not give him the right to order you about with your body. You sound as if you already love your baby. If he forces you to abort you will grow to hate him. Seek legal advice and find out what your entitlement would be in respect of the house. Even if you don't get a portion of house you could rent and he would have to pay maintenance for the baby. Where abouts in the country are you OP?

1000% this is why I try to stay calm thinking this is primary driver. I can support our house financially if it was needed. When the heart comes or if he gets sick we have family that will support. I don’t doubt and have tried to think of terminating bcos of this but I can’t. Death is the only thing that can’t be fixed or helped.

I love my baby as much as my other children. She is beautiful and I dream of her.
i live in the US. East coast

I am so sorry, thank you for being sharing. Xxx

I do think your husband is freaked out by the coming op. It's not exactly a walk in the park, and there is the risk of not making it:

"Survival after heart transplantation is excellent, particularly if it is compared with the natural course of end-stage HF. The most recent data of the registry of the International Society of Heart and Lung Transplantation indicates a current 1-year survival of 84.5% and a 5-year survival of 72.5% (5)."

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4387387

As you are OK financially, could you set up a private nurse for him/ night nurse for the baby as far away as possible from where he needs to sleep?

He will also be bothered about providing for his son if the worst occurs - and who will be looking after him. You? Distracted by the new baby? He is clearly not viewing the pregnancy as an actual child yet - he's not carrying it, so it seems remote.

I don't see how he can manage without you after the op, honestly - new baby or not. So I'm not sure I'd be taking his threats 100% seriously. It's the fear talking.

I would continue to keep my routine with his/our son, if something bad happened. I am lucky bcos all of our kids are responsible, I can care for teenager and baby. I could see them being mini parents and loving the baby too without me asking. I could get a nurse or I could sleep in another room until the baby has a better sleeping pattern. My two children did not wake a lot in the night, I know this could be different for baby now but even then with my well husband I was the one who got up with them, I surprisingly didn’t mind it or dread it but they also slept a good 3-5 hours before waking for food. The only hiccup w hiring a nurse is I would want to wake and be with my last baby. I am a very hands on mom. I would be willing to get a nanny during day/evening to give focus to family and husband as a whole.

When I got pregnant with my first, everyone tried to push me to abort making out that it was the "best" choice for MY life. Thank God, I chose to listen to my own heart and head and keep my baby. I know have a thriving 5 year old who everyone loves and I just had another baby recently.

I sympathise that your husband is obviously going through a major thing in his life but please please don't abort your baby because you will regret it and it will be harder to get past killing your own flesh and blood over a man giving you an ultimatum.

It's possible your husband is talking out of fear but if he's really the type of man who will make your chose between him or your child then your best telling him goodbye. He should not be pushing you or emotionally controlling you to abort a child that you both made, and it's extremely selfish and horrible to do that when you clearly want this baby but your worried because your husband is forcing you in a situation that in the long term will actually cause more damage.

& abortion are not safe, no matter how people try and justify. Don't do it, there are other options.

Wishing you the best and hope you make the right choice x

If this was a vasectomy failure, he would have at least a bit of an argument. He couldn’t be bothered though.

you aren’t the one destroying this marriage. If you want this child, proceed. You need to recognize that you will likely be a single parent. You have experience so you know what that means more than many women faced with this decision. Leave your husband out of the equation, make your decision for yourself.

Is DH frightened of being in hospital alone? Does he want you there with him every possible minute? Is he afraid of the machines beeping him out and nobody noticing? People do try and disguise fear as anger or laying down the law etc - 'real' men don't wimp

There is a saying 'the dying think only of themselves'. He's going to get a heart, so not the same, but he's feeling like he's dying, regardless.

I'm in a similar (but not identical) situation. And if it's anything like mine, the marriage was ruined the minute the ultimatum came up. DH never made me choose but made it clear, he didn't want the baby, so it's driving a wedge between us anyway. If I'd have terminated, I'd have resented him. It's an awful situation and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He wants me there every step of the way because I baby him and look out for him. He loved being babied before being placed on heart transplant list. Which I 100% don’t mind doing for anyone I love that is sick or wants some pampering. But I need the same, we have support when he gets a new heart, and I would allow grandparents to care for all kids and only focus on my husband bcos heart transplants don’t happen often. I just want the same emotional support from him. I don’t expect him to wake up w the baby etc. just love me and his child. Like he does w the 3 children now. Bcos I’m older and this would be my last one, trust me even if he was “well” I would be mama bear and insisting I do almost everything. I love child rearing and then as they get older prepping them to be amazing independent teens and adults.

I am trying to cut him slack w his ultimatum 1- bcos I am in shock and 2- I am telling myself it’s fear from heart.
however it will ruin marriage if he’s legit.

so you kept baby? How are you? Sound like you are still together but it is hard?

I'm sorry , idk how it is our fault. You don’t expect to go through stuff like this when you are married, one would assume planned or unplanned pregnancy is allowed to continue and be supported even if it’s not ideal.

Well said and I agree. Thanks x

fingers Crossed we get through it and he sees it’s fear induced if not I’m prepared to let go.

The heart issue is a bit of a red herring. If you abort due to the pressure from him you probably wouldn't be able to forgive him for forcing you to do it. I know I wouldn't. So for that reason don't abort the baby that you clearly want.

@lovingtheheat

very interesting on heart being the red herring. What would you speculate it really is?

I disagree about the heart being a red herring. How you got pregnant after he had heart failure is a major miracle regardless of the rest, so that baby gets to have its chance!

If you've never been seriously ill, I doubt you can understand how much slack you have to cut someone like this. This is big league, first division stuff. Stress upon stress upon stress. Under normal circumstances, this is a marriage breaker, but I would say allow him to be human, allow there to be a very frightened child in there, and just as children can say awful things and be forgiven - give him a chance to row back.

@SpaceshiptoMars

it truly is a miracle and that’s why I became excited after fear, I immediately feared for my husband. I agree on a inner child in there scared. I go to all my husbands doctor appt. He is the healthiest sick patient they have, that is how doctors word it. He has an lvad right now, he’s doing so well that doctors have refused one matched heart bcos that heart only had a good 5 yrs left- after being checked at the lab. They said the lvad can last for ten yrs and another one can be put in after, so they prefer to wait for a “good” heart unless his health goes down quick and out of nowhere. Though this is not ideal, he is in good hands and can find alternatives. We follow a healthy lifestyle bcos it can’t hurt anything but he is a man and not to stereotype but I think men don’t share as much emotionally like women do. So I hope he’s scared and w time he warms up bcos he’s a great father to the 3 children now. I don’t want to lose him but can’t kill our child. I’ve brought up my points & feelings, understood his side, asked open ended questions and still continued to be very loving and patient. His doctors have told him to live his life. Now he has to decide if it’s w me and ALL our kids, or not. I’d love for him to pick living and loving the days we are given. I truly believe when the right things are done then the universe, God etc provides. I have NO idea what is like to walk in his shoes, but I know I would be scared.

@Loveyourself2022 yes I'm keeping baby, I'm 14 weeks and feel like road kill! 😂 we're still together as we have 2 other very young children and he's never mentioned separating, I don't think he necessarily feels the same as me about the damage it's done to the relationship, so for now at least, I'll ride it out and hope we can get passed this and back to how we were as I know that's the best possible scenario for our DC.

He sounds like someone who wants the focus to be on him. He in all likelihood has a life where you do all the child care and that is what he wants. He does not want a tired wife who will of course prioritise a baby over him and his wants and needs. He does not get to tell you to leave. I think you need to toughen up your stance with him. Tell him that you want to keep the baby and that he will be expected to support the child if you separate. I would also get some legal advice.

@Mommabear20
congrats!! we are due around the same time!

Keep the baby - I did and no regrets

I apologise because I didn’t read beyond the first sentence of your post. because: the only relevant question is what do you, fully aware of your circumstances, want?

that is your answer. No-one else can advise you.

@Labpictures
did your SO want you to abort too?