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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

19 weeks - no sex drive. Husband worried and not happy.

28 replies

Bobblebobble · 02/05/2022 11:23

Hi

I am 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby and delighted about it. So far pregnancy has been OK- main symptoms are tiredness and occasional breathlessness. Nothing out of the ordinary or really bad. I just have to take it easy at times and get plenty of rest.

One issue I am having is a total loss of sex drive. I just don't feel like it. We haven't had sex since being pregnant and my husband is becoming increasingly frustrated and worried about it. I don't know what to do or if this is normal. A lot of posts on here talk of increased sex drive which is sadly not my experience.

Has anybody else experienced the same? Any suggestions on how to get through this and keep my husband happy? He has been reading articles about people in "sexless marriages" and getting worried that this will be us.

OP posts:
Regenbogen22 · 02/05/2022 11:29

Christ, your husband needs to be a bit more understanding. You're growing a human inside your body, of course it's going to affect you somehow. If you don't want to have sex then that's that!

Sorry, but apart from getting us pregnant in the first place and hopefully sharing care of the baby when it arrives, all men have to do usually is support us through pregnancy.

Drives me bonkers! Men!

Hugasauras · 02/05/2022 11:33

Oh dear. It's totally normal and he might want to get used to it because you probably won't be in the mood with a tiny baby and recovering from birth and being exhausted for quite a while after birth too!

Nutellaspoon · 02/05/2022 11:35

He needs to adjust expectations. Chances are you won't want sex much in the first year or two after birth either, especially if breastfeeding. Having a baby to care for and another adult baby pestering you will be the quickest end to your marriage. You'll get the ick and never be able to come back from it.

GinnyBee · 02/05/2022 11:35

I had a loss of sex drive too earlier on, I was exhausted and felt like crap, and when it came back I was already too big and uncomfortable to really want to for that reason. I think we've had sex 3-4 times since I got pregnant, I'm 38 weeks now.

Tell your husband that it's just tough shit really, no one can predict how all the hormonal and physical changes affect us, and he should be lucky all he really has to do is be supportive and help you out. There's no reason to think you'll never want sex again.

Mischance · 02/05/2022 11:36

He is definitely over-reacting - the idea that he is looking up "sexless marriages" after a few weeks of pregnancy is nonsense. Did he expect that a new life growing inside you would not affect you in any way?

He is behaving like a child - how on earth will he cope when a new child arrives?

Is he generally an anxious person?

Figgygal · 02/05/2022 11:38

He needs to grow up and support you not pressure you- even bigger turn off

kitty1993 · 02/05/2022 11:38

Hi OP, try not to stress, putting pressure on yourself won't help things and maybe it's worth reminding your OH that putting pressure on your or making comments isn't exactly sexy. Hormones during pregnancy are a temporary state and what you're feeling is very normal.
My own experience has been the opposite in that my partner has completely gone off sex since I've been pregnant and I've been very much in the mood. I can sympathise with your husband to some extent but also learned that making comments about it to my partner don't help at all!
Just got to be patient with each other and communicate about your feelings in a way that doesn't accuse or point blame at the other.

Xx

kitty1993 · 02/05/2022 11:41

I also agree with what others have said about him needing to readjust his expectations. I found that's helped me a lot and stopped me feeling frustrated by the situation. Plus there's other ways to feel close and intimate with one another without sex

AskingforaBaskin · 02/05/2022 11:41

What could he possibly be worried about?

Why can't he go for a wank? Does he think nagging you for sex is in anyway a trun on?

CurbsideProphet · 02/05/2022 11:46

I'm too ill to think about it, but even if I "just" didn't want to I can't imagine my DH trying to guilt me into sex in that way. We just don't have that sort of marriage. Your husband doesn't sound very nice at all.

Original poster
Bobblebobble · 02/05/2022 11:48

Thank you all for your messages. I still feel upset about it but hearing from others and their experiences makes me feel reassured that it isn't just me. I do worry about how he is going to feel when the baby is here, as it might take me a while to feel like it again but hopefully we can work through it.

OP posts:
Pamctake2 · 02/05/2022 11:50

Its definitely a personal decision but for me I think that sex is important in a relationship. Sometimes not having sex makes you forget how good it is, so I find just biting the bullet and getting on with it works for me. I think it could be particularly difficult for your hubby if when TTC you were at it regularly and then suddenly you've just put the brakes on that would be a challenge for anyone. For me if you don't have sex during pregnancy and then while you have a newborn that could easily be 18months with no sex, if my partner put me on an 18month sex ban id also be frustrated. BUT if you really don't feel like you can have sex could you just work on intimacy as that may help both of you, lots of kissing and cuddling can really help you both feel connected.

DogsAndGin · 02/05/2022 11:51

Your DH IBU. I’m 7 weeks in and have zero intention of having sex until long after the baby arrives (I suffer from UTIs after sex and don’t want to risk anything, but also, I have zero sex drive and so won’t be partaking in any other sexual activity either). My DH is fully supportive of that.

DogsAndGin · 02/05/2022 11:56

Pamctake2 · 02/05/2022 11:50

Its definitely a personal decision but for me I think that sex is important in a relationship. Sometimes not having sex makes you forget how good it is, so I find just biting the bullet and getting on with it works for me. I think it could be particularly difficult for your hubby if when TTC you were at it regularly and then suddenly you've just put the brakes on that would be a challenge for anyone. For me if you don't have sex during pregnancy and then while you have a newborn that could easily be 18months with no sex, if my partner put me on an 18month sex ban id also be frustrated. BUT if you really don't feel like you can have sex could you just work on intimacy as that may help both of you, lots of kissing and cuddling can really help you both feel connected.

This is horrendous advice. You don’t need to feel pressured into having sex, you do not need to ‘bite the bullet,’ and you do not need to ‘get on with it.’ I’m disgusted by this attitude tbh, pressuring and shaming pregnant women into having sex?! OP hasn’t simply ‘forgotten how good it is’ and is not forcing her DH to miss out on an ‘important part of the relationship’.

Priority: You’re growing a human. Your hormones are all over the place, just relax and enjoy your pregnancy. Sex is not important right now and DH can wait.

Geranium1984 · 02/05/2022 12:06

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with my second and have been struggling with tiredness and nausea so sex has largely been off the agenda. We are both knackered from work and looking after our toddler.

Last time I think things did pick up during pregnancy but it was lockdown so we were both a home a lot and didn't have any childeren.

You really need to try and manage expectations of when you have the baby. I didnt have any tearing or anything but found sex painful for a long time. I dont think we actually had sex for about 6 months and then I finally went to see a womans health physio and everything had really tightened up after the birth (opposite of what I thought would happen!). So I was probably not back to normal until about 10 months after the birth. That combined with a baby who doesn't sleep well at night and clinging to me all day was a real passion killer!!

roarfeckingroarr · 02/05/2022 12:15

He's being a selfish arse. You're growing a human.

Happierthanever91 · 02/05/2022 13:14

Please don't 'bite the bullet' and have sex with your husband when you don't want to. That is absolutely horrendous advice.

Your body is going through so many changes right now and changes to your sex drive is so so so common. It might increase later on in the pregnant or not, either way your Husband needs to be a lot more bloody understanding. You're literally growing a human! His baby at that and I find it insane he's 'worried' about something so small.

I'm currently in my third trimester and I can say personally that my sex drive has gone up and down like a bloody yo-yo throughout.

Wifflywafflywoo · 02/05/2022 18:09

So this is my DP's birthday card for next week. ...

We tried sex a few times in the first trimester but he just couldn't do it (IVF baby so he's terrified of losing her). Then I got the pregnancy horn on in the second trimester, went at him and to my horror I couldn't get him in. Turns out my bits had swollen up so much with the extra blood that basically my hooha had shut her door! Midwife said it can happen and not to worry. Think DP was relieved as it meant no pressure on him! We've done other bits and bobs a few times but as I've got bigger it's now down to snuggles only.

I'm down for a section mid May so with that recovery time plus hopefully breastfeeding, I don't forsee me jumping his bones anytime soon. It hasn't negatively impacted our relationship at all and if he was being funny about it he could kindly jog on! Pregnancy is bloody hard!

19 weeks - no sex drive. Husband worried and not happy.
Moancup · 02/05/2022 18:38

DogsAndGin · 02/05/2022 11:51

Your DH IBU. I’m 7 weeks in and have zero intention of having sex until long after the baby arrives (I suffer from UTIs after sex and don’t want to risk anything, but also, I have zero sex drive and so won’t be partaking in any other sexual activity either). My DH is fully supportive of that.

You have no idea if your sex drive will change during pregnancy. Lots of women do have an increased drive, and sensitivity. It seems bizarrely obstinate to declare in advance that sex will be off limits.

TheSpringtimeLady · 02/05/2022 18:50

We didn’t have sex at all when I pregnant with my first DC. I think we dtd about 8 weeks after he was born.

I had horrendous morning (all day) sickness with my second DC. We did have sex once in pregnancy though at around 6 months.

Your DH needs to grow up. Its likely you will be having a lot less sex for a while yet.

By the way my DC are now teenagers and I have the highest sex drive now in my 40s than I’ve ever had before 😀

Hallibob · 02/05/2022 18:51

Your DH is being ridiculous! Your body is going through a lot and hormones are going haywire, it's completely normal to not feel like sex much.

First pregnancy we didn't have sex after 17 weeks til 7 weeks pp, DH never uttered a word about it. This time we have been a little more adventurous but he's under no illusions that he'll be getting much sex with a newborn and a toddler in the house! 🤣

girlmom21 · 02/05/2022 18:54

If he's already giving you grief now he's in for a very unpleasant 12 months, minimum.

You say he's worried. What's he actually worried about? My guess is that it's not whether or not you're ok?

EveSix · 02/05/2022 19:09

This is where he gets to step up and be galant and show how brilliant he can be. He'll do it by not mentioning his concerns about sex until you bring it up when you feel ready. He'll do it by kissing the ground you walk on, doing things for you, listening to you, paying attention to what you say and centering and accommodating your needs. He'll do it in a spirit of enthusiastic encouragement and support, emanating a golden glow of "nothing is too much". That's how it's done.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 02/05/2022 19:21

I've been pregnant twice and almost as soon as that second line appears on the stick my sex drive takes a nosedive. After DD I didn't use contraception (she was IVF I didn't think I needed it) my periods came back at 6 months and with them my sex drive. With DS (a welcome surprise) I got the coil fitted and he's 10 months and my sex drive is only just starting to emerge from hibernation but I've not had a period yet (might not due to coil) and I'm still breastfeeding so I think that also contributes to a lack of libido. This is just how it is for some of us.

Tigerlily08 · 02/05/2022 19:53

I'm pregnant with our 2nd (very close together, DD will be 15 months at my due date!) And both pregnancies I felt/feel exactly the same as you. I did actually have sex a couple of times and it almost felt like I'd lost all feeling down there, just felt shit and I didn't enjoy it. I had a c-section after my first and felt my sex drive almost come whooshing back and thanks to hormones I threw a bitch fit that my partner didn't find me attractive anymore because he wasn't pestering me for sex (and I was gagging for it 😂). Of course he was waiting for me to initiate it as I had just had major surgery and he didn't want to pressure me but ya know you don't always think logically!

Your partner needs to seriously cut you some slack. You're obviously not in a sexless marriage - you're pregnant which I'm assuming wasn't the immaculate conception? I'm sure he can make do with his right hand for a while and stop putting pressure on you. Hormones are funny things, don't let him make you feel guilty x