myself and husband considering me not returning to work after maternity leave

[sunnyoutside12345]

I am due to have my 2nd baby in the next month or so and myself and my husband are considering my not returning to work after maternity leave

I work in a school (part time) but I found it really difficult going back 1st time around. Luckily 1st time around we did not have to pay for childcare, but certain circumstances have chanced, which means we will most likely have to pay for child care a few days a week, even with me working part time. I do not want to go into to much detail as it is personal family issues

I had originally planned to go back after maternity next year (even though in my mind I had already thought I did not want to) but I was doing it for the money side of it

My husbands asked me if I would prefer to not return to work, as he does earn enough for us to get by. The amount I earn is pretty poor as I am only support staff, and if we were to pay for childcare we wouldn't be left with much from my wage so we both agree it is probably pointless

has anyone been in this situation?

I do enjoy working (sometimes) but that's mostly the social side of it, rather than the actual job, but I would be happy with a little part time/evening job a couple of hours a week just to get some extra cash

any advice of similar situations would be appreciated :)

thank you

What about your pension? Not just your contributions but your employer contributions plus the growth on the pension fund each year?

If you stop contributing you don't just lose your contributions you lose all the growth on them and the employer ones too.

Have you looked at tax free childcare?

I'd be surprised if you had the same social contacts and self-esteem boost from a casual job where you were with different people each time for shorter periods.

Never mind the psychological effects of being dependent on someone else financially.

Why do you even need to make this decision before the baby is born?

Tax free childcare has a crap name but it actually means the government pays up to £2000 per year towards childcare costs.

www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

If you enjoy working you should keep going with it. As others have said there is the pension contributions plus social contact plus opportunities in the future and keeping your working skills current.

@cornflakedreams i never said I NEEDED to make the decision before baby is born. I was just looking for some advice and personal experiences as it is something myself and my husband have been discussing

If your husband is prepared to set you up a private pension and pay into it every month, then I would go for it. Otherwise, I would not. Personally, working 2-3 days a week to keep my skills up, pension and social engagement for both my and my kids is the ideal happy medium. Even if it didn't bring in much income after childcare costs. But you may see differently!

@Pamparam

thank you for your reply.

When I said I am considering not returning to work, I do not mean forever. I mean till my youngest is in full time nursery/school. And we also personally feel we could not send a 1 year old to nursery / childcare (this is just our personal opinion so I don't need no judgement on this) but we would both rather wait until they are 2/3. Thankfully with our 1st born they have been looked after by family so we did not need to put them in childcare at such a young age.

I was a SAHM as I had no choice. If I were to do it again I’d get my DP/DH to pay my private pension. And get the child benefit paid to you so you accrue NI points.
I lost out on wages, pension and career opportunities.

I wouldn’t. I’ve seen too many women shafted by giving up jobs and being plunged into poverty when they’ve split from their DHs.

Look into the maternity pay contribution from your employer, if eligible. If you don't return to work I think part of this has to be refunded if you accept it during your mat leave and don't return to employment for a statutory period afterwards.
You can make voluntary NI contributions if you wish to make up pensionable years missed, for those worrying about your pension.

Just like childcare, financial responsibilities are a large part of family life and I personally am not a fan of all responsibility being placed on one person. I think both should be hands on parents and both contribute financially to the care of the children / family. There are some families where one person is responsible for 100% of the childcare or 100% of the finances and some people do make that work for them but I always find it a little off when a husband or wife is 100% financially supported by their spouse. I wouldn't like hte power dynamic of needing to be given / ask for money and if you don't bring in any money or do any childcare then it is hard to have a place making decisions about areas one person takes no responsibility for. Obviously it works for some people - lots of different arrangements do. If it works for you and you are both fine with the unequal dynamics and responsibilities then go for it.

In theory, I'm with you all the way, OP.
In practice- having been a SAHM for the past decade and now divorcing- I wouldn't stay out of the workplace for long.
Your plan, as it stands now, is a good one. I think if you're planning on going back to work once your youngest is 3-4 years old, that's good.
I would absolutely return to work at least part-time at that point or when your youngest is in reception.
What I'd advise every mother against is becoming a forever SAHM. Because marriages can end, unforeseen circumstances arise. In other words, shit happens and you want to be a good scout and be financially prepared. You want to be able to support and protect yourself as best you can... just in case.

@TheVanguardSix

I compltley understand your point. and like you say, yes i'd love to return to work once my children are a bit older (which will come around very quickly) I would even be happy ot return to full time work once they are both at full time school

my husband and I did discuss the possibility of me getting a job for a few hours in the evening if I do not return next year, which I would be happy to do. I am not expecting him to fully support me for the rest of my life. It's just really disappointing how some people on here just jump straight in which is a shame. This is meant to be a forum for advice, but sometimes people think that what they say always has to be right

When mine were babies/toddlers I worked part time (3 full days). It really was the best solution. In those 3 work days I had social interaction, used my brain, kept my work skills up and had independence. I also still had 4 days a week at home with the children. It cost a lot, and after childcare costs I made £50 a month, but it was worth it. Work was also a rest, enabling me to have a cup of tea or go to the toilet in peace. However after 3 kids within 5 years of each other, me doing all the night wakings, most of the house stuff, and then the job turning very stressful, I burnt out. I took redundancy, intending to have up to 2 years out. But youngest DC was struggling (turned out she has a variety of issues), I had my own health issues and we ended up with some home ed, some school refusal, and lots of time off sick, so I never could get back to work. That has been a massive mistake as I am now too many years out of the workforce and in my 50s. Whereas I used to out earn DH, now I would be starting from scratch.

I think what I am saying is you don't know what the future holds, so keep working part time if you can, because it gives you options. But make sure DH steps up and doesn't expect you to do everything. If you can keep working part time, and both pull your weight sharing the housework and the kid stuff, it will be much better for you in the long term.

Check if your employer offers any extra pay on top of SMP during your maternity leave. If they do then you would need to pay it back if you didn’t return to work.

I wasn’t sure what my plans would be after maternity leave so I asked my employer to hold the extra pay. When I did decide to return I got it as a lump sum bonus, so I didn’t miss out, but didn’t feel pressured to return or repay.

Personally I dropped my hours after May leave. I think I’d feel too isolated and vulnerable if I gave up work completely, but everyone’s circumstances are different. Have a good talk through with your husband and make sure you are both totally on the same page about how you will access money to spend or save. If he considers it all ‘family money’ and is ok for you to access it freely, then great. If however he thinks that his money pays the bills so you don’t need any money, then I’d be very cautious. You don’t want to end up asking for pocket money each time you need to buy something for you / the children.

I was a sahm for about 10 years when the children were little yes my pension never recovered but that’s partly due to the sector I ended up in. It’s unfashionable but I don’t regret the time I had with them when they were little and the reduced pressure on the whole family and I have had an interesting and fulfilling life since children. Everyone is different so do what works for you.

@Saganaki

Thank you for your reply. My husband and I share a joint bank account, so he is not one of these 'i only pat the bills you're not entitled to anything else' and he is also very helpful around the house and with our child which is great, So none of these are a concern for me.

Like previously said, I am not saying it would be forever, but my husband and I would rather it's me looking after our youngest until they are 2/3 rather than sending them to childcare

@Thistooshallpsss thank you for your kind and honest reply, this is really reassuring

And having now read Vanguard's post, she is spot on. Once out of the workplace I couldn't get back in. If I'd had a job, when DH really wasn't very 'D', I would have had real choices rather than feeling stuck and like I just had to put up with it.

That’s good then @sunnyoutside12345

If you’re both happy with the situation then it could work well. Join lots of baby groups so you’re still getting out and talking to other grown ups. Enjoy your time with the little ones and best of luck with the new baby.

I'm also deciding this.

When I was pregnant. I said I'd be a SAHM. DH wanted this too (but of course it's not up to him!) But since I've had baby, who's now 3 months, I've thought about how our income will half, my pension contributions will stop, etc. Family has said they will help with childcare, so he doesn't need nursery/childminder.
I also have to work every third weekend, as does DH. Plus pressure from employer to do my fair share of overtime in the evenings, including bank holidays. There's the difficulty.
I think my only solution may be to get a different job.
Sorry, no help, but think it's nice to know you're not alone! Following to see what you decide!

I adore my work so I’m probably not a particularly useful or impartial viewpoint. I went back part time when my son was three months. He’s been in nursery since a year and had a part time nanny before.

I’d caution against totally losing grip of your employment for many reasons that have been listed here. If you do decide to stay at home, I’d probably make conscious efforts to stay connected and up to date in your sector, carrying out voluntary CPD, to make yourself a more attractive prospect when you do return.

I’m also currently very concerned about a friend of mine whose chosen not to return to her job, and is instead totally reliant on her partner (who doesn’t want to marry) and who has told her to ask him for money if she wants to buy anything. She doesn’t ask him for anything as he makes it difficult when she does and so she can’t go out or do anything. It’s really very distressing to witness. This doesn’t sound like your situation at all but to me it has cautioned me against being entirely dependent on a man.

I worked part time with DC1 and DC2 but I haven't returned after DC3. I'm seeing it as a few years' break rather than becoming a SAHM permanently. It doesn't really suit me tbh but I think it's good for my youngest and I make sure I still get adult conversation and time on my own every week. We have joint finances, my pension is already a good size and most of our savings are in my name so I'm not particularly worried about finances.

I have been a SAHM for 17 years. Dh and I have been together for over 25 years, the children are now almost 19 and almost 16. It worked really well for us and continues to do so. It happened by accident due to a relocation for Dh's job so I left mine behind. We decided to try it for 6 months to see if we were both happy. I didn't return to work in the end due to disability.

There are definitely issues to consider, mainly finances but also attitudes to spending money, housework/life admin not only whilst on maternity leave but if you return to work and facilitating the return to work. These are things that need to be discussed before you choose not to return to work for the next few years.

Dh and I did sit down and have all these talks, the money was the main one as I had always earned my own money since I was 13 years old and being dependant on someone else was scary and I didn't want to be belittled in ever accessing money. I wasn't going to put my hand out for "housekeeping" nor ask permission to get my hair cut and coloured.

Dh has always been hands on with childcare drop offs and pick ups, taken days off when Ds had chicken pox etc so we already had a firm foundation from when I returned to work after maternity leave with Ds1.

Pension would be the big one to pay into but you are only intending to take a few years out of your job. I have my own car, access to all the money, savings in my sole name etc. Household/life admin obviously still falls to me but I have had other SAHM friends return to work where their "D"h expected them to do everything they had done before plus work so no fair division of labour once they worked again. Some husbands have also made it difficult for their wives to return to work, refusing to ever do a school run/childcare run and refusing to ever take time off work if one of the children is sick. They like having the little wifey at home doing all the domestic drudge and want to keep her there.

This is about expectations, what he expects from you, what you expect for you and what you expect from him. Talk it all through.

You have said you are support staff in school. If you can I would add any qualification you can to that to assist you in returning to work in the future. It is a cut throat role, lots of people want it for the term time school hours only bit. I volunteer in a primary school. So think about what else you could do within school to broaden the appeal of you for rehire.

@sunnyoutside12345 do what you think is best for you and your family 🥰 as you say, you're not thinking of not working forever more, just in the younger years of your child's life. Yes you have pensions etc to think about, but if you're comfortable with knowing how this affects things further down the line, do it! I'm considering not going back to work when my second is born. I want to be a hands on Mum while my first is at primary school, plus make the most of my time with my second too. If you have the ability to do it, I say go for it!

Well, did you want advice or did you just want people to agree with you? People have given advice from a variety of perspectives but nothing to warrant such a defensive-aggressive response from you. There's no need to be nasty to people offering the advice you requested just because you feel defensive about your choices.

I went to the trouble of looking up the direct link for you on tax free childcare because I know lots of people aren't aware it exists and I thought it would help you weigh up your options as you said you wanted to do.

For you to respond by aggressively telling me that isn't advice is out of line on your part. I don't deserve nastiness from you for trying to help.

You can make voluntary NI contributions if you wish to make up pensionable years missed, for those worrying about your pension.

This is state pension. It does not address the loss to the private pension which is what I and others were commenting on.

Five years of lost cumulative growth on your private pension is significant and it deserves consideration. You can't get that lost growth back.