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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

myself and husband considering me not returning to work after maternity leave

64 replies

sunnyoutside12345 · 21/04/2022 09:49

I am due to have my 2nd baby in the next month or so and myself and my husband are considering my not returning to work after maternity leave

I work in a school (part time) but I found it really difficult going back 1st time around. Luckily 1st time around we did not have to pay for childcare, but certain circumstances have chanced, which means we will most likely have to pay for child care a few days a week, even with me working part time. I do not want to go into to much detail as it is personal family issues

I had originally planned to go back after maternity next year (even though in my mind I had already thought I did not want to) but I was doing it for the money side of it

My husbands asked me if I would prefer to not return to work, as he does earn enough for us to get by. The amount I earn is pretty poor as I am only support staff, and if we were to pay for childcare we wouldn't be left with much from my wage so we both agree it is probably pointless

has anyone been in this situation?

I do enjoy working (sometimes) but that's mostly the social side of it, rather than the actual job, but I would be happy with a little part time/evening job a couple of hours a week just to get some extra cash

any advice of similar situations would be appreciated :)

thank you

OP posts:
HandlebarLadyTash · 21/04/2022 14:28

Pension, pension, pension as others haves said this is a high priority. its hard to fill in the gap later in life & believe me you hit mid 40s & panic at how completely shit the payout is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2022 14:35

I found I just didn't like the weighted nature of one person 100% working and the other person 100% stay at home parent. Dh was incredibly hands on from day one, I never felt that weekends and evenings was still "all me", but I defiently didn't enjoy being totally out of work and dh being in work all week.

That was only on mat leaves too.

Us both working felt so much more comfortable to me (acknowledge this isn't the same for everyone). I liked that we each had time outside the home and outside the family. I liked that we both then had time alone with the dc while the other worked. I liked that we both fully understood the difficulties of both sides (home with dc and working).

Now that the dc are both in full time school I also appreciate that I never had to fight my way back in. My pension was maintained, my ability to progress has not faltered.

In all honesty, you and dh can and should only do what works best for you and your family, and my comments above are just my veiw on how what we did worked best for us.

DontAskIDontKnow · 21/04/2022 14:48

I’d be wary about giving up a part-time job in a school. They’re not easy to get. Especially, if you think you may want to return after a year or two.

If you do decide to stop work, I hope you enjoy your time with your children.

Make sure child benefit is in your name, so you get the NI contributions.

GrannyBloomers · 21/04/2022 15:05

When my 3rd was born, I genuinely thought I wouldn't return to work for some years if at all due to costs and logistics.
I decided to take time off unpaid from work post mat leave and a period of 12 months was agreed initially. Between 6-9 months in, I realised that I was bored at home and I was concerned about losing my professional qualifications if I took too much time off. I also didn't like the imbalance with me not earning anything.
I went back to work (different more flexible employer) 3 days a week after 11 months of that extra time at home. When I first went back to work, 2 in nursery and before and after school club, the cost of diesel and the dog walker meant I earnt about £80 per week net.
Things improved bit by bit - free hours age 3 + (in those days), then more children at school etc etc. Holidays were always expensive with holiday clubs and no family to help.
Many years later, the once happy marriage crumbled and without my professional career, I would have been in real difficulty.
I don't know if going back to work a couple of years later or more would have made much of a difference overall. My youngest was nearly 5 when they started school and I would have probably had to resit professional exams if I had stayed off that long and realistically I can't see that I would have done so, or at least I would have struggled with motivation.
It's not easily mentally to work for such limited reward initially - I was doing 25 hours a week to take home £80! Long term it paid me back.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2022 16:06

DontAskIDontKnow · 21/04/2022 14:48

I’d be wary about giving up a part-time job in a school. They’re not easy to get. Especially, if you think you may want to return after a year or two.

If you do decide to stop work, I hope you enjoy your time with your children.

Make sure child benefit is in your name, so you get the NI contributions.

Yeah term time part time is the golden goose. Don't give that up without serious consideration.

Donimo · 21/04/2022 16:21

I am also considering not returning to work after mat leave. I am expecting twins in June and also have a 3 year old so childcare will be a lot and also the stress of getting 3 young children and myself out of the house by 7.30 each morning is worrying me. But I am not going to make any decisions until much nearer the time. And like you not going to make that decision lightly. I may however work a few hours on an evening and Saturday morning privately so can still do a bit but don't need to sort out childcare.

Something else for you to consider I work in the NHS and I would have to go back for a minimum of 3 months otherwise I would have to pay back my mat pay. Not sure if this applies in your post but would be worth checking!

FrownedUpon · 21/04/2022 16:27

Keep the job otherwise you’re making yourself financially vulnerable. Pension is so important. It may be a choice of working now or working in your 70’s & 80’s.

MaverickSnoopy · 21/04/2022 16:38

Think about whether a school hours job would suit you when you DC are in full time school. If it does then I would seriously hang onto this job as they're like gold dust.

Peakypolly · 21/04/2022 16:41

I was a SAHM for many years - the happiest time, which I wouldn't change for the world. However, we were financially stable enough to have 50% of assets in my sole name and I have a reasonable private pension. I have just finished topping up my state pension.
However I agree with others that having a term time only job is the gold standard and I would really consider your giving it up. I know highly qualified ex-SAHP's now working as school secretaries and teaching assistants so they can spend holidays with their DC.

Shanksponyorbust · 21/04/2022 16:51

Part time jobs with school hols off are like hens teeth. Once you give that up you’ll struggle to get back in. What sort of little evening job are you thinking about? As others have said much better to keep the one you have in the long term.

You could ask for a years sabbatical, then school could find cover for a year and you get a year with your young DC? Not sure if you’d get pension in that year but you’d have your job and career to go back to.

BeautifulWar · 21/04/2022 16:57

I wouldn’t. I’ve seen too many women shafted by giving up jobs and being plunged into poverty when they’ve split from their DHs.

This is so true. There are also other unforseen events that can leave you in a terrible state.

AngelaRayner4PM · 21/04/2022 17:26

I wouldn't give up that job. It's as perfect fit as you can get around small kids and those term time school hour type jobs are like gold dust. In these uncertain Economic times especially I would not want to make myself anymore vulnerable than necessary financially when having a baby, yes it's true in any time because marriages can break down but right now with the economy even more so, because even if your marriage is perfect the economy is a mess. Your husband being made redundant would make you so vulnerable as a family, and working part time would probably protect you from the benefit cap and put you in a greater earning position if he was made redundant, became ill, or god forbid your marriage breaks down for any reason. I have seen so many women be in a horrible financial situation if their partner becomes abusive or violent

Of course it's also a good idea long term as regards pension contributions and future earning potential as well. Obviously you will do what you want to and what you feel is right for you, but I would seriously consider the economic implications above the emotional ones

livinthedream1995 · 21/04/2022 17:35

I’m on maternity with my third, with my first and second I wanted to go back to work and knew I did. This time I honestly don’t want to, but need to so will be. I think it’s cos I know I need to go back full time. It’s crap but needs must. despite this though, I know career wise it’ll be better. I don’t have some high flying career by any stretch of the imagination, but not having a work gap looks better on the CV. Plus the pension contributions I get from my employer is really really good. Your job sounds really flexible and part time term time jobs are very very rare, I’d be wary about giving that up. Could you maybe look into whether your school allows career breaks?

Soontobe60 · 21/04/2022 17:39

Why is it always the mother who ends up giving up their job because of the cost of childcare?
parent A earns £50K
parent B earns £15K
total income is £65K

childcare costs £5K - this cost comes out of the total income. Not just the mother’s income. Women need to get out of this mindset that they don’t earn enough to justify working due to childcare costs.

MarriedThreeChildren · 21/04/2022 17:53

I was a SAHM too.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
It meant no pension paid for the years I didn’t work
A massive change in DH behaviour re housework/mental load etc etc
Harder to go back to work afterwards due to the gap in work
Feeling somehow trapped in the relationship - less power and influence when we were taking what should have been joint decision
Not feeling great about not having my own money, aka it felt like I had to explain what I had money on. This was because money being tighter, it felt like I had to explain WHY and on WHAT I had spent the money on.

MarriedThreeChildren · 21/04/2022 17:55

Fwiw from your posts, it feels like the issue is more your work (that you don’t really enjoy) that is the issue. I’m wondering if you would have the same reaction if you loved your job.

DockOTheBay · 21/04/2022 17:56

I did the same. Teaching was too difficult while juggling kids and the cost of childcare too high - plus I wanted to spend more time with my kids while they're small.

Can you do something part time / flexible to make a bit of money on the side and put that into a personal pension? I do tutoring and exam invigilating, a friend of mine works at Waitrose to do the same. Just to keep it ticking over and also give you something out of the house to do for you. I also like having some spending money which is "mine", so I don't feel bad about spending DHs money on fun things for me although he wouldn't mind.

obsessedwithsleep · 21/04/2022 18:01

I'm in a similar position but I decided to go back three days a week and I'm so glad I did. Honestly, looking after 2 young children is HARD WORK and I'm looking forward to having some time to myself (at work, as a teacher) and not constantly at the beck and call of 2 under 2.

Jackjack0962 · 21/04/2022 18:09

Soontobe60 · 21/04/2022 17:39

Why is it always the mother who ends up giving up their job because of the cost of childcare?
parent A earns £50K
parent B earns £15K
total income is £65K

childcare costs £5K - this cost comes out of the total income. Not just the mother’s income. Women need to get out of this mindset that they don’t earn enough to justify working due to childcare costs.

Yes this. Childcare costs aren’t forever and finding another job with hours that suit in a few years may not be easy. You may also not be earning what you are now as you’ll be deskilled.
Theres not a chance I’d want to do an evening job after looking after young kids all day for very little money.

BalletN · 21/04/2022 18:53

I am a part time primary teacher. I am due my second in November and planning on asking for extra time off. Possibly one year mat leave plus a year or so career break. I really like my school and do want to return there. I totally understand wanting to be there when your children are young though. I don't know your financial position and other people have given advice on that. Depends what your priorities are and what's best for you as a family.

Love487 · 21/04/2022 19:16

Absolutely!! I am a SAHM for our two DC, both our children are young and it is the best decision we’ve ever made as a family.
It means I don’t miss any of their development milestones, I am always around if they are sick and never have to rely on childcare, (they do go to nursery for a couple of days a week as I use this time to do chores, make bulk healthy meals etc. but never do I have an issue that I can’t pick them up due to sickness or need to find last minute cover for DC/work) I can decide whether we have busy sociable days, or quiet calm days to rejuvenate after a busy day.
I am in all DH’s financial contracts - will, house etc.

As the majority of my friends are SAHM’s and have children the same age it’s wonderful!

Celendine · 21/04/2022 19:45

I think if you have a job in school hours you would be best to hang onto it. Childcare costs are joint costs not just the mother's responsibility. Even if you only bearly make a profit, you still are much more independent earning money, and every penny counts when raising a family.

jealousgirl · 21/04/2022 19:51

I was a stay at home mum. I loved it, I meet friends at play groups, we would go for coffee and to parks. A few are still friends now. I took up yoga and meditation I would do it while baby slept in the day. I visited family and friends. I never felt at a loss for something to do. I work a day and a half a week now and I really enjoy it.

NurseBernard · 21/04/2022 19:52

It's just really disappointing how some people on here just jump straight in which is a shame. This is meant to be a forum for advice, but sometimes people think that what they say always has to be right

Well, actually, no - it’s not a place for advice.

It’s a discussion forum. Where people discuss things.

You’ve asked people - and been given a range of perspectives.

PegasusReturns · 21/04/2022 21:55

No one has shamed you OP. You’ve been given lots of perspective.