myself and husband considering me not returning to work after maternity leave

[sunnyoutside12345]

I am due to have my 2nd baby in the next month or so and myself and my husband are considering my not returning to work after maternity leave

I work in a school (part time) but I found it really difficult going back 1st time around. Luckily 1st time around we did not have to pay for childcare, but certain circumstances have chanced, which means we will most likely have to pay for child care a few days a week, even with me working part time. I do not want to go into to much detail as it is personal family issues

I had originally planned to go back after maternity next year (even though in my mind I had already thought I did not want to) but I was doing it for the money side of it

My husbands asked me if I would prefer to not return to work, as he does earn enough for us to get by. The amount I earn is pretty poor as I am only support staff, and if we were to pay for childcare we wouldn't be left with much from my wage so we both agree it is probably pointless

has anyone been in this situation?

I do enjoy working (sometimes) but that's mostly the social side of it, rather than the actual job, but I would be happy with a little part time/evening job a couple of hours a week just to get some extra cash

any advice of similar situations would be appreciated :)

thank you

I've been a sahm since my DD was born almost 4 years ago, and I'm due another DD soon and I don't plan to return to work until they start school in another 4 years, at the earliest. I've always done daily baby/toddler groups and DD has been in preschool for a couple of years, so I've never felt socially isolated (except in lockdown of course!).

DH is a high earner so we can afford private pension payments for me (even with no salary I can pay in £2880 a year which is topped up by 25% by the government). I also pay £4k a year into a LISA for retirement, which gets a 25% top up too, and another £16k into a S&S ISA which doesn't get topped up, but it will be tax-free on withdrawal. So I feel secure financially especially regarding pension savings, although I don't have any employer contributions. Our family money is all combined so I never have to ask DH for permission to spend. He pulls his weight with chores etc as I keep DD busy out of the house on her non-nursery days.

Doing an evening/weekend job wouldn't suit our family as weekends are for fun days out for the family (I'd genuinely miss being there, and DD would be sad if I wasn't there), and DD likes me to do the last bit of bedtime (and I enjoy doing it) so I'd just miss out on being with the dc, even if DH could cover the childcare.

Absolutely this. Part time jobs in schools are like gold dust. Everyone wants all the holidays off when they have their own kids. I would think very carefully before giving it up.

We also had this conversation and I personally didn't want someone else looking after my DD until she was three, so I stayed at home and then worked whilst she went to preschool three days a week. I'm now pregnant with our second and we will do the same with this one. We looked at nurseries when DD was almost one and I just couldn't do it, I'm sure the nurseries themselves were fine but I just thought what's the point of having kids and then giving them to someone else to basically bring up. I wanted to be there, I wanted to see all the firsts and it's something you can never get back.

I'm not trying to be unkind but I would say think through the finances long term very carefully, I am financially lucky enough to be able to make the decisions I made regarding work and intend to work part time once both are at school. The concern I do have is that I don't know however how we will cover the school holidays yet and that is a bit of a worry to be honest.

I'd take him up on his offer and go to baby groups and meet other parents. I'd maybe take some courses with baby like baby massage. I'd spend the first year of my baby's life with the baby where the baby wanted me and enjoy the baby that I would never get to enjoy again.

I'm probably not going to go back after mat leave, my baby is due in 2 weeks. I'm part time anyway, and if I did go back I'd want to only go for 1 day a week instead of the 2.5 days I was doing previously. They don't need me for that much, I was bored as hell most of the time with nothing to do.

My husband needs to be able to keep working full time and with the stupid cost of childcare it doesn't make much sense for me to go back to work only to then pay most of my wages straight over to the childcare provider.

Pension contributions don't worry me too much. The way things are going our generation will be working til we're dead anyway. We have a regular savings account and a S&S ISA, and will one day inherit a holiday property from husband's parents, so I feel reasonably secure about our retirement even without a private pension for me.

As for being financially dependent on someone else, that's an attitude I just don't understand if you're married and have kids together. Our finances are joint. If I'm at home looking after our baby and our home, that's valuable work that enables my husband to keep earning, we don't view it as me being financially dependent. I'm just as much entitled to those earnings as he is. Up until now I was always the higher earner, but it all goes into our joint accounts that I manage.

I gave up work a few years ago and it's been the best decision for our family. I know on Mumsnet anytime anyone mentions giving up their job there is often a hysterical reaction with people saying you will end up in poverty with a financially abusive husband but in reality from people I meet at toddler groups etc many families decide one person will stay at home for a few years to make life easier for the family with no long term dramatic consequences. Actually when DC3 was born I knew one of the doctors at he hospital was familiar and she came over for a chat one day after rounds in the nicu it was one of the
Mums from the group who had quite literally just returned to work. We've recently had covid with us catching it one after the other and then after that my youngest got sick again and at times like this I thank god one of us is at home .

thank you for the last few positive comments :) @SparkyBlue @GinnyBee @thebeespyjamas @Mattieandmummy

yes @SparkyBlue i completley agree. it seems as soon as you mention the thought of going not returning to work, even for a few years, people seem to think you're chucking your life away.

@GinnyBee like you, Thankfully myself and my husband are financially very stable. I know things could happen in the future that I cannot predict, but I feel i have a very supportive family, and I have money behind me if anything drastic were to happen so that is not really a concern at the moment. And when people mention the pensions ETC, yes it is important to pay them , but i know plenty or people including parents within my school who do not pay into simply because they cannot afford it. I have been paying mine since I started working in a school at 19 and I don't think me not paying into it for 2/3 years will make that much of a difference when it comes to me doing what i think is best for my children!

My concern is that my children are happy and healthy, and that I am comfortable with knowing who is looking after them. All mothers are different and some are happy to send their child to nursey/ childcare from a young age, but for me and my husband that is not something we are happy nor comfortable with

All mothers are different and some are happy to send their child to nursey/ childcare from a young age, but for me and my husband that is not something we are happy nor comfortable with

So. No advice need then?

It is a big step. I would also want to ensure that my husband wouldn't become resentful later down the line for having to support me.. And is his employment water tight and not at risk of redundancy etc? There are a lot of factors to take into consideration, I personally wouldn't want to rely on my husband supporting me if I could avoid it.

I was a SAHM after my second was born until he started school. Sometimes I found it really hard work, other times I found it mind numbingly boring. I did feel lonely too. Despite all that I don't regret it for a second. It was a precious time in my eyes and I'm glad i had quality time with them when they were tiny. I'm doing a part time job now and will probably increase my hours when they start high school (they're now 9 and 11). It does make me nervous that we're all so dependent on my husband's salary.

All mothers are different and some are happy to send their child to nursey/ childcare from a young age, but for me and my husband that is not something we are happy nor comfortable with

Some aren't all that happy but needs must.

You seem to think the perfect alternative is free family provided care. Often this actually isnt that great. Luckily you had a decent alternative to the acceptable choice of paid for childcare.

I don't want to be another voice of doom, but keeping something even part time gives everyone options, but especially you.

If something (god forbid) were to happen to your DH, you still have a job/career (do make sure you both have life assurance!), pension, future employment etc. Keeping your hand in is worth it.

My thoughts are coloured because I thank goodness clung onto my career by the skin of my teeth and near burnout - but it meant when I discovered ex was up to no good, I could leave with no concerns about supporting myself and the kids, despite being their fulltime parent (admittedly luckily I could freelance around them)

I was a sahp for 8 years and I loved it. Also took pressure off the both of us as I could get chores done. Pension? Yes, important but not the be all and end all. Why sacrifice happiness now for a future unknown? If I had my time again I would do it in a heartbeat. Me and my dh have now been together 33 years and we will be living off his pension as well as my small ones.

Follow your heart, they're only little once.

Retire at 67, maybe 10-13 years to enjoy it before old-age creeps up on you. It's not the be all and end all to save for later life. I know plenty of people who drop dead, or die young, before retirement.