Gender Disappointment

[OhMy55]

I am a 40 year old mother to a beautiful DD and I have just found out I am pregnant with my second DD. To say I am truly gutted would be an understatement.

Before I fell pregnant with DD1 I always wanted a son, I love the mother and son relationships as I am surrounded by them through my own family, partners family, male friendships and my friends children of all ages (those that says sons leave their mothers because they are male whereas daughters stick around make me question parenting skills, because I have never known a male to do this based on the fact he has a penis)

Do not get me wrong I love my DD and I know I will love DD2 just as much but there is something about boys and I feel I will be missing so much from not having a son.

I don’t know what I want from this post, I just feel lost knowing I will only have daughters :(

I always wanted a boy. I have 2 beautiful DDs.
Honestly the moment they were born I fell in love with them. I wouldn't swap them for all the cute baby boys in the world.
I think having a preference is natural, however you should seek professional help if you feel that strongly.

You’ll get a lot of pushback on this but honestly it’s a pretty normal feeling. I have had the same thing and had to really work through my feelings to realise:

• I feel sad about the fact we have agreed to only have 2 children so 2 of the same means I’ll slightly “mourning” the opportunity to ever have a girl
• girls stuff is way prettier - names, clothes etc etc
• I have a very romantic view in my head if mother daughter lunches, spa days etc

I basically let myself have this time to be a bit sad then gave my head a wobble. In particular, I absolutely hate going on spa days so not sure why I’m suddenly dreaming of them with a daughter!

The other thing to help me is how my future child would feel if they knew I was disappointed about them now. I’m a second girl of 4 (2 later boys) and if I knew my parents were disappointed to get me and basically just waiting for my younger brother to arrive I’d have been so hurt.

Acknowledge your feelings, try and realise why you feel that way then push past it

Sorry to hear you are suffering from gender disappointment OP. The heart wants what the heart wants, there’s no on/off switch that I’m aware of. There’s a page called ingender that is more supportive than this one has ever been known to be. Please ignore any horrific comments. As usual you’re not entitled to feel any disappointment/sadness in life as there are other people who have it worse. It’s a ridiculous attitude but there you go.

I’m in a similar age/boat OP. Just consider what a lovely sisterly relationship your daughters will hopefully have. Obviously this isn’t a given but what is a given is that we as parents won’t be around forever. So focus on nurturing that sibling relationship instead of dwelling on what might have been.

Don't worry, she can decide she's a boy once she's old enough. Or any of the other eleventy billion genders.

I’m in the opposite boat and found out I’m having a boy yesterday. I was desperate for a girl (for other deep rooted reasons, having lost my eldest daughter a few years ago). This will be my last baby and I am devastated. I am going to look into counselling and try to come to terms with it.

It’s not that uncommon OP, we’re just not allowed to voice it. Most people make their peace with it and love the DC regardless, you’ll get there- just be kind to yourself.

It’s how you feel - and don’t let people say that it’s not!

You know it’s silly and you know you should be celebrating a healthy baby, but sometimes we just feel what we feel.

You will adore your little girl regardless and don’t mourn the loss of the son you don’t have.

Think of the positives (hand me downs and they can share a room until older).

I felt the same with my second boy, you mourn the child you had in your head. Good news is it shouldn't last long as you'll get attached to the baby you have and they're way better than the imaginary one.

It's ok. As others have said, you know you'll be grateful for a healthy baby and you'll love that baby whatever sex they are.

But it's ok to be just a little bit disappointed. It's not necessarily even disappointment, it's more surprise that you're not having what you pictured in your head. I was convinced DC 3 was a girl after having 2 boys. He wasn't. I don't love him any less, he's fabulous, and everything I could have asked for, but it took me a little time to come to terms with him not being what I thought he was, if that makes sense? It was just a surprise.

Give yourself a week to get used to it and then get on with being excited for your new DD ☺️

Firstly, I have not mentioned anything on this post about my DD’s being ‘healthy’ but thank you for the judgemental comments.

Thank you everyone else for all the lovely positive comments and tip to the ingender forum x

@WaltzedIntoIt Everyone is entitled to their opinion but never did the OP say that she wouldn’t love her child regardless of sex, she just wanted support to talk through her feelings. Like I said, the heart wants what the heart wants and once OP has processed this I am sure she will love the baby more than life itself. It’s nice to be kind to people who are struggling as we do not know what they’ve been through in life to get to this point. Pregnancy is a tough time psychologically as well so I certainly will not be in position of judging anyone.

Just ignore people being sarcastic. It's ok to feel how you feel. We all imagine our future and it's hard when it doesn't look how we imagined.

@WaltzedIntoIt wind your neck in 🤣🤣🤣
Not once did she say she wouldn't love her child, regardless of the gender! Absolute spiteful comments.

OP. I'm the opposite! I said I'll have one more child, I'm due in four days with my second boy! I felt like I'll miss all the mother daughter things I could of done if I had a daughter, turns out I'm having another boy. I got over these feelings pretty fast, I know I'll never have a daughter and I'm ok with that now.

I can't wait for all the matching outfits for my boys, the same trainers and coats, all the things they can do together, also the fact I no longer need to move house because they can share a room was a bonus 🙌🏽🙌🏽

@boymummys sorry I don’t know what you mean… I’m just sympathising with the poor op who is ‘totally gutted’ about her baby.

I think a lot of people have a preference for a particular sex baby.

This is one reason why I am against discovering the sex of the fetus prenatally. The patient then has months of resentment at gestating the “wrong” baby, without the mitigation of having a lovely baby in their arms to learn to love.

If, as in the past, you didn’t know until the moment of birth, it was just a fait accompli and you had an appealing, live person in your arms who needed your immediate love and care. Bonding is likely to be easier in those circumstances, without time for regrets.
I always knew I wanted daughters, not sons. I was lucky to have two DDs, but I would have hated to know months in advance that I was carrying a boy, were that the case.

@Babdoc

This is one reason why I am against discovering the sex of the fetus prenatally. The patient then has months of resentment at gestating the “wrong” baby, without the mitigation of having a lovely baby in their arms to learn to love. If, as in the past, you didn’t know until the moment of birth, it was just a fait accompli and you had an appealing, live person in your arms who needed your immediate love and care. Bonding is likely to be easier in those circumstances, without time for regrets. I always knew I wanted daughters, not sons. I was lucky to have two DDs, but I would have hated to know months in advance that I was carrying a boy, were that the case.

I think the opposite. When DS was born, I really wished that I had known in advance so I could have dealt with my feelings then and had time to be excited for his arrival. Instead I felt I was grieving for a daughter (and admittedly, I had very mixed emotions because I’d had a DD die neonatally the year before) who was never going to exist. If I’d known I was having a boy, I would have decided on a name for him and been looking forward to it.

I think this is a more niche feeling than people are making out. I’d guess it comes from a rather odd expectation of parenthood and sexual stereotyping but while intellectually I can understand what you’re saying I can’t say I share those feelings.

Gender disappointment is a thing op and sorry you’re experiencing it. Ignore the predictable sarcastic comments and would second the other forum recommended

@5zeds

I think this is a more niche feeling than people are making out. I’d guess it comes from a rather odd expectation of parenthood and sexual stereotyping but while intellectually I can understand what you’re saying I can’t say I share those feelings.

Thank goodness someone came along to say it more eloquently than I could.

I just don't understand the attitude at all. So you have another girl. Who's to say she won't be into all the 'boy' stuff you seem to be expecting of a hypothetical son? Or you could have a son who becomes, I don't know, a beautician and loves trying out makeup looks on you. It all seems to come from deeply unhealthy notions of how boys and girls 'are' and completely fails to appreciate both the uniqueness of every child and that children aren't here to fulfil our hopes and expectations of them.