Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Gender Disappointment

53 replies

OhMy55 · 07/04/2022 12:31

I am a 40 year old mother to a beautiful DD and I have just found out I am pregnant with my second DD. To say I am truly gutted would be an understatement.

Before I fell pregnant with DD1 I always wanted a son, I love the mother and son relationships as I am surrounded by them through my own family, partners family, male friendships and my friends children of all ages (those that says sons leave their mothers because they are male whereas daughters stick around make me question parenting skills, because I have never known a male to do this based on the fact he has a penis)

Do not get me wrong I love my DD and I know I will love DD2 just as much but there is something about boys and I feel I will be missing so much from not having a son.

I don’t know what I want from this post, I just feel lost knowing I will only have daughters :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ArcheryAnnie · 07/04/2022 16:50

You are having a human. This human has endless possibilities about what she will be into, and the relationships she will developed with you and other members of her family. Maybe try to not already force her into a box?

Roselilly36 · 07/04/2022 16:51

It’s ok to be disappointed, you will get used to it and love your baby regardless.

fatisnotafeeling · 07/04/2022 17:01

Hi OP, I have felt the same as you but I was having a DS who is now 2.
I already had 2 DDs and a DS and I had no reason whatsoever to be disappointed as I already had both sexes so had those relationships.

I struggled so much that I was under the mental health team and spoke to a psychiatrist on a weekly basis to sort through my feelings, i was ashamed of how I felt but wanted to know why I felt that way before my lovely DS was born.
As it happens I never got to the bottom of it, when he was born the second I heard him cry (c section) the love just flooded me and I absolutely adore him now of course. I was monitored closely after he was born, I asked for this so that I could have intervention asap should I struggle to bond with him, it wasn't needed but I am so glad I admitted to those feelings and had some outside help at the time.

Please be kind to yourself, if the feeling does not go away seek help, I found all medical professionals so understanding and I faced no judgments at all.

Twizbe · 07/04/2022 17:25

There's always someone along to tell you how terrible a mother you are for feeling like this.

I wanted 2 boys and I got one of each. I was disappointment when my daughter was born BUT I adored her. I hadn't found out what we were having either time as I knew I needed to see my baby first if it was a girl.

As soon as she came out I loved her so much and having a daughter has been much better than I thought it would be.

You will get over this but it's ok to grieve the picture of your family you had in your head

Cheetocat · 07/04/2022 17:35

I really don't get what the difference is, I'm pregnant with my first, don't know what it is, are they much different before puberty?

fatisnotafeeling · 07/04/2022 17:40

@Cheetocat in my experience they are vastly different my DDs were such easy baby's and toddlers but more of a challenge at teenage age, well DD2 is only 11 but may as well be a teenager.
My DS are more of a challenge when babies and toddlers but I am praying will be easier teenagers. 🤞🤞.

Soringhaze · 07/04/2022 17:45

It's absurd to say it's the same experience to have a boy vs a girl. They will wear different clothes, play different sports, have very different life experiences. Biology does bloody matter in who we are and it's fundamental to our life experiences.

BlueSkiesAreComing · 07/04/2022 17:46

@Cheetocat I tnink the kind of people who get gender disappointment are those who put children into rigid boxes anyway - ie girls are ‘easy’ babies, boys are ‘boisterous’ and ‘full of energy’ so they then get disappointed when they don’t get the rigid idea they had in their head for the baby.

scandihouse · 07/04/2022 17:48

I have a ds and dd and haven't felt there is much difference at all pre puberty. The main difference is how they are treated by others - I feel that people seem to like my dd more, treat her more leniently and let her get away with things more. My ds is a very gentle boy but he seems to be handled far less sensitively.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/04/2022 17:52

@Soringhaze

Biology does matter, but not in the way you describe. Girls and boys can both play football or netball (although not on the same teams, because biology matters), and should be able to wear whatever they want (although clothes marketed at girls are likely to be worse quality and have no bleedin' pockets).

Twizbe · 07/04/2022 17:59

[quote BlueSkiesAreComing]@Cheetocat I tnink the kind of people who get gender disappointment are those who put children into rigid boxes anyway - ie girls are ‘easy’ babies, boys are ‘boisterous’ and ‘full of energy’ so they then get disappointed when they don’t get the rigid idea they had in their head for the baby.[/quote]
I wouldn't agree to that. I had no real view of what a boy would be like as opposed to a girl.

My issue was that I didn't want a tall daughter. I hated growing up as a tall girl and didn't want to inflict that on my own daughter.

Well I have one and she is tall and she's going to rock her height just like me.

BlueSkiesAreComing · 07/04/2022 18:00

@Soringhaze

What do you mean? @Cheetocat is asking if there’s a real difference pre puberty. What sports can a girl not play that a boy can? What life experience is unique to a boy / girl under the age of ten? What clothes can a girl not wear that a boy can? Specifically @SpaghettiNotCourgetti

Cheetocat · 07/04/2022 18:00

@fatisnotafeeling Thanks for the response, I never would have thought they'd be different, they basically have the same body chemistry as babies and toddlers, I hope you do get to have the sweet teen you're hoping for!

@Soringhaze My thoughts were from the idea that the caregiver literally decides what clothes they buy for them, what sports they'll wear, the kids they'll play with, for example I love basketball, I think I'll encourage it for any kids I have, the teams around where I live aren't gendered. I also love gaming and technology, which is typically boyish, but I'd definitely encourage an interest in technology no matter what I have.

@BlueSkiesAreComing I think the majority are probably that way but I'm sure it happens to some people who wouldn't expect to feel that way. I think going into parenthood with the only wish being health is rare, though I think wanting a baby for a really long time got me into that mindset.

BlueSkiesAreComing · 07/04/2022 18:01

@Twizbe like I said that putting children into boxes. You likely would have no issue with a tall son but do with a tall daughter as women are not ‘supposed’ to be tall or taller than men - a stereotype

ThreeLocusts · 07/04/2022 18:05

Hi OP, I had the exact same problem. I love DD2 to bits now she's here.

BTW. I don't think biology is the main reason why gender disappointment happens; society is. I just wanted to experience male privilege vicariously....

Cheetocat · 07/04/2022 18:12

@ThreeLocusts

Hi OP, I had the exact same problem. I love DD2 to bits now she's here.

BTW. I don't think biology is the main reason why gender disappointment happens; society is. I just wanted to experience male privilege vicariously....

People get disappointed both ways though. Also, society can't grow away from misogyny without men AND women who are willing to stand up against it. You can have a boy who calls out his friends for what they do to women, you can have an outspoken strong girl who changes mindsets and defies norms.

boymummys · 07/04/2022 18:13

I personally don't think it has anything to do with stereotypes at all.

I think most people generally do want one of each and I don't see why there's such a problem with that?! Not ever will it mean we won't love our children?

Because coming from a family of 7 I definitely didn't want to have as many children as my mum did. Like I said I'm stopping at two children and there both boys! I'll love my second born son the same way I do my first! My boys are a blessing to me. Doesn't stop me missing the fact I won't have a daughter.

Twizbe · 07/04/2022 18:29

@BlueSkiesAreComing says someone of average height who has no experience of being a tall woman.

Grumblegard · 07/04/2022 18:49

Of course it's ok to feel what you feel.

I have two DS. Very happy to have two of the same but I was a bit sad I never got to use my girl name!

Poppins2016 · 07/04/2022 18:50

@Babdoc

This is one reason why I am against discovering the sex of the fetus prenatally. The patient then has months of resentment at gestating the “wrong” baby, without the mitigation of having a lovely baby in their arms to learn to love. If, as in the past, you didn’t know until the moment of birth, it was just a fait accompli and you had an appealing, live person in your arms who needed your immediate love and care. Bonding is likely to be easier in those circumstances, without time for regrets. I always knew I wanted daughters, not sons. I was lucky to have two DDs, but I would have hated to know months in advance that I was carrying a boy, were that the case.

I have to admit that this is exactly the reason I chose not to find out the sex when I was pregnant. I knew that I just wouldn't care when I was cuddling my newborn (and I was right)!

Twizbe · 07/04/2022 19:38

@Poppins2016 me too. It could have been a frog for all I cared when the baby was here.

At 20 weeks though I wasn't bonded enough to hear I was having a girl.

SushiShopSearch · 07/04/2022 19:40

SEX...NOT GENDER. FFS. There is a difference.

Soringhaze · 07/04/2022 19:45

@Cheetocat My experience is that influence only extends for a very short time. I tried to get my DD to wear trousers in reception as they are more practical and she was having none it. She wanted a dress because all the other girls were wearing them. DD stuck out football for a year before she quit because she was the only girl. I would have loved her to do it longer. At her school they don't have a football team for girls. They do have different levels of hormones even before puberty and it shows. They just aren't units.

imagen · 07/04/2022 19:46

those that says sons leave their mothers because they are male whereas daughters stick around make me question parenting skills, because I have never known a male to do this based on the fact he has a penis

there is a societal stigma around mum son relationships. Some just, some not. It's just not seen as acceptable for a man to be as close to his mum.
it is fundamentally different. You may witness i you or dds give birth to your grandkids. Pretty unlikely you'll do the same with son's family

So has little to do with parenting styles.

Two of the same is great, just like one of each. Just a different dynamic.

imagen · 07/04/2022 19:52

[quote BlueSkiesAreComing]@Cheetocat I tnink the kind of people who get gender disappointment are those who put children into rigid boxes anyway - ie girls are ‘easy’ babies, boys are ‘boisterous’ and ‘full of energy’ so they then get disappointed when they don’t get the rigid idea they had in their head for the baby.[/quote]
I disagree. Most people don't believe baby temperament is based on sex.

I wanted a second girl because I wanted my two to be close as sisters, to have the same toys, because I wanted to watch the sister relationship (that I didn't have). And I wanted to see them grow up as young adults.

Everyone wants to destroy gender norms. In the real world, most people conform to norms (not necessarily stereotypes, but a typical range).

Ultimately, most parents get over it. I always forget I ever 'wanted' a girl over a boy!

Flip

1 2 3