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Original poster

a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life

110 replies

maama0f3 · 11/03/2022 16:56

Is there truth to this? What's your experience? Hear of so many sad strained DIL / MIL relationship dynamics and being a mama of sons curious.

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 11/03/2022 20:45

Well I've certainly seen some mothers in my extended family expect much more of their daughters than their sons in old age. I suspect what truth there is in the rhyme has to do with the fact that women are more likely to take on caring obligations, for a host of reasons.

I adore my mother. So does my DH his. But they're both far away from us and we can't do as much for them as we'd want. They're so many factors that go into closeness or lack of it w/in families.

LimeSegment · 11/03/2022 20:50

In my family it's true. I'm close to my parents and see or talk to them every 1-2 weeks. My DH has a good relationship with his parents and siblings too, but he just isn't bothered about contacting them. He could easily go 3 months between phone calls with his parents. He sees his siblings the same amount despite living 20 minutes away. And it's not a lack of time or due to me, he's got plenty of time and I often suggest he should go/call. He just isn't bothered. This is typical of many men I know.

sunshineandshowers40 · 11/03/2022 20:50

Interesting question. I think it depends on the relationship rather than the sex/ gender. My DH doesn't has a great relationship with his mum but it's nothing to do with me. My brother and SIL are close to my mum. It really depends. I do think people expect more from daughters. I have sons and hope I will have a good relationship with them when they are adults but it will depends on many things.

Meercatmama · 11/03/2022 21:30

I know I am so lucky with my daughter in law. She is so lovely and a great mum and I often say to her why did you marry him or you took him off my hands. We have a good relationship She sends me photos weekly of the grandchilren and I love her dearly. She has her own relationship with her parents and I give her and my son space to be with them as they want. I am lucky both my sons understand they can call me anytime and value time spent on their own with me So i have touching base phone calls with often very short and mainly made by them as they know i dont make demands on their time and often in car phones calls when we speak at length while they are driving or i am I never impose on them or their families and partners and it has worked well for me so far. I did not have such a good relatioship with my mother- in -law and in hindsight i can see I was immature and a brat but it was coupled with a difficult father in law. I wish now I had been different as she was a lovely woman I think I hurt her deeply and regret it immensly as she loved my husband and seen him through some life threatening illnesses and I just did not respect her and wanted my husband to myself and to control my parents in law into the what i wanted not taking account of anyones elses feelings I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I have learnt so much from daughter in law

ImInStealthMode · 11/03/2022 21:35

Completely depends on the people. DP and I both live in different countries to our Mums; I speak on the phone to mine every few months, just text a bit in between.

DP speaks to his Mum on FaceTime about every other day, and texts her every single day. They are much closer than me and my Mum are.

DetailMouse · 11/03/2022 21:39

My 21yo DS1 has his first serious GF and I hardly see them, they spend far more time with her family, but I think I get the quality time, they were here for 30 mins this afternoon. They bought cake and told me what they've been up to in the week since I last saw him. Better than being in the house but not "with" me iyswim. And he still comes to me with his worries.

I think they like that I'm not "demanding" of them and I'm enjoying my own life, separate to being a mother

mama0f3 · 11/03/2022 21:49

@Meercatmama

I know I am so lucky with my daughter in law. She is so lovely and a great mum and I often say to her why did you marry him or you took him off my hands. We have a good relationship She sends me photos weekly of the grandchilren and I love her dearly. She has her own relationship with her parents and I give her and my son space to be with them as they want. I am lucky both my sons understand they can call me anytime and value time spent on their own with me So i have touching base phone calls with often very short and mainly made by them as they know i dont make demands on their time and often in car phones calls when we speak at length while they are driving or i am I never impose on them or their families and partners and it has worked well for me so far. I did not have such a good relatioship with my mother- in -law and in hindsight i can see I was immature and a brat but it was coupled with a difficult father in law. I wish now I had been different as she was a lovely woman I think I hurt her deeply and regret it immensly as she loved my husband and seen him through some life threatening illnesses and I just did not respect her and wanted my husband to myself and to control my parents in law into the what i wanted not taking account of anyones elses feelings I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I have learnt so much from daughter in law
Wow it takes so much courage to admit your wrongdoing. How does dh feel about it now his mother has passed?

I think often times we see the situation with our own lenses only. It's beautiful you have such a positive relationship with dil, I'm sure you've also raised your son well too.

BlueFlavour · 11/03/2022 21:51

Bollocks.
It’s not gender that matters it’s who they are.

Noisyprat · 11/03/2022 21:52

I agree with ThreeLocusts this is about that old fashioned view that women are responsible for relationships as they are 'better' at it. The fact is historically it's been expected that women do it and frankly it's easier to concentrate on your own family. Expectations of men, on the other hand, still often seem to be set in the dark ages and often times this is upheld by women, all the excuses under the sun given.

I do not expect my future DIL to 'manage' the family relationship, I expect my son to understand, appreciate and want the family relationship to continue to grow.

SprayedWithDettol · 11/03/2022 21:52

Just because it rhymes doesn’t make it true.

BikiniB0tt0m · 11/03/2022 22:00

Silly old fashioned saying. It really depends on the family dynamics and individuals personalities, not gender.

Echobelly · 11/03/2022 22:03

I think it's BS and based on outdated roles and an idea that 'Oh well if you only have daughters at least they'll be loyal to you' as a consolation prize for not having that son that obviously everyone wants to have.

My DH has a strained relationship with his mum, but nothing whatsoever to do with me!

My brother is still very close to our mum, and my BIL to his.

Herja · 11/03/2022 22:11

Not true in my family! My grandfather was devoted to his mother. He drove over 1000 miles a week, for 2 years, at one point to provide the exact care system she wanted. My mum adores him, but dislikes her own mother (they have an incredibly strained relationship). She (my DM), in turn, accidentally told me she doesn't consider me family a while ago; I see or speak to her a couple of times a year, but my adult DB and his partner live with her...

Moyny · 11/03/2022 22:16

It’s to an extent a self-fulfilling prophecy while female socialisation still pushes women as ‘natural carers’ who buy birthday cards and bustle about doing hospital drop-offs while men are trained to be all balls-out thrusting men of the world.

nildesparandum · 11/03/2022 22:29

I am part of a family of mostly girls only one boy.
My sisters and I had difficult relationship with our mother, but our brother was her shining star.I think being the only son had a lot to do with it, but I sometimes wonder what she would have been like if it was the opposite way round.
I do not have daughters and would have loved one but it was not to be.I have a large number of granddaughters to compensate though and spoilt them rotten when they were children.Now they are all grown upI still love them but they lead independent lives which I am happy about.
I wonder like in my mother's case if it had been the other way round and I longed for a son.

DeadButDelicious · 11/03/2022 23:04

Both myself and my brother are very close to our parents. My brother isn't married, he did live with someone for a time but he remained very close to my mum and dad.

My DH isn't as close to his mum but it has to be said that it is a situation of her own doing. There is a whole heap of childhood stuff to unpick but the final straw came when the grandkids came along. She puts much more of an effort into her relationship with my SIL's kids. Which really hurt DH. When it became clear that she wasn't going to put anywhere near as much time into our DD, who is the only girl, he switched off completely.

mama0f3 · 11/03/2022 23:12

@DeadButDelicious

Both myself and my brother are very close to our parents. My brother isn't married, he did live with someone for a time but he remained very close to my mum and dad.

My DH isn't as close to his mum but it has to be said that it is a situation of her own doing. There is a whole heap of childhood stuff to unpick but the final straw came when the grandkids came along. She puts much more of an effort into her relationship with my SIL's kids. Which really hurt DH. When it became clear that she wasn't going to put anywhere near as much time into our DD, who is the only girl, he switched off completely.

Yes this seems to be the case, that mothers do prefer their daughter's children as opposed to their sons, just through observation...
Bouledeneige · 11/03/2022 23:15

My DC aren't married - both at university. But I'm a million miles closer to my DD than my DS. DD and I are super close. My DS is quite the opposite - he's really walked away from me.

mama0f3 · 11/03/2022 23:23

@Bouledeneige

My DC aren't married - both at university. But I'm a million miles closer to my DD than my DS. DD and I are super close. My DS is quite the opposite - he's really walked away from me.
Was the case with them growing up or just recently in adulthood?
C8H10N4O2 · 11/03/2022 23:46

Its just another way to hold women responsible for men's behaviour. Its lazy and reductive.

If you want to maintain good relations with your sons, cultivate them before they marry rather than assuming someone else's child will do the facilitating.

Ionlydomassiveones · 11/03/2022 23:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Moyny · 11/03/2022 23:56

@C8H10N4O2

Its just another way to hold women responsible for men's behaviour. Its lazy and reductive.

If you want to maintain good relations with your sons, cultivate them before they marry rather than assuming someone else's child will do the facilitating.

Hear hear. Especially when it relies on a DIL having been socialised to do the wifework of the relationship facilitating, bustling about issuing invitations and buying birthday presents etc.

My mother would absolutely claim that saying was 100% true, but not consider that her own unthinking ideas about gender meant she raised her daughters and her son very differently — he was let off every possible hook because of being a boy — which means she doesn’t hear from him for months on end. It certainly isn’t his wife’s fault.

veevee04 · 12/03/2022 00:04

I agree I have to remind OH to call his mother or text her. Me and my sister still live close to our dad and make the effort to have a relationship but DB is still golden balls although he only sees him once per year.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2022 02:17

DS is v close to his Mom, we've always seen them weekly and she has a great relationship with my three boys. She came wedding dress shopping with me, came on the hen do, came out for my ladies only birthday lunch etc. I hope when my three settle into relationships I can have that kind of relationship with my own daughter or son in laws

ClaryFairchild · 13/03/2022 00:27

If the mother is on maternity leave, or chooses to be a SAHM then she is more likely to choose to spend time with her own family. The working father doesn't have the same time to do that.

Also, no matter how wonderful your MIL is, should your marriage fall apart most MILs would prioritise their own children, not the DIL/SIL. What you HOPE they would do is also prioritise the grandchildren, but that is not always the case.

I had what I thought was a great relationship with my MIL. When my ex completely destroyed our lives and blew our marriage apart she was very firmly in his camp, even though she gave all the necessary lip service to me being in the family for 30 years and still being part of the family - her actions show that it is complete and utter crap.