a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life

[maama0f3]

Is there truth to this? What's your experience? Hear of so many sad strained DIL / MIL relationship dynamics and being a mama of sons curious.

The men in our family (mine and cousins) are all closer to their parents than the women.

Mostly because they live much closer. Thinking about why, it’s really because in our family, the women have more ‘get up and go’, are much ambitious, educated and most have lived abroad then settled elsewhere. The men are lovely and smart people but a bit more local in mentality; all have all moved within 40 miles of their parents, who help with childcare.

It heavily depends on the person ime.

MIL has 2 sons and is smart, she is close with both their partners. She’s great in general tbh. Much more ‘there’ than my own so we spend lots of time with her, they help A LOT with the kids (who incidentally are also both boys so I am very interested in this thread).

In my experience this is only generally true in families where sons are treated better than daughters (boys not expected to help out as much at home, bad behaviour explained away as ‘boys will be boys’, no expectations they’ll remember birthdays etc).

Obviously there will be exceptions, but the men I know who were raised to be fully functional adults tend to have good relationships with their parents. The ones who were overindulged leave arranging meeting up with their family to their wives.

What happens if your daughter takes a wife or your son takes a husband? Or neither of them take anyone? 🤔

This has been the case in my husbands family. None of the sons phone their parents often or arrange visits etc. The daughters are much more involved although live further away actually (including abroad).

My own siblings have sn equally close relationship to parents, irrespective of sex.

Looking around to friends I'd say on average it seems to be true though.

dh is sort of close with mil, i am very close with her, we talk lots and she pisses me off way less than dh haha

You won’t know until they pair off. One of my adult married sons is all about his wife’s family as is her sisters husband. Just the way those 2 girls were brought up to spend all their time with their parents and expect it to carry on now they have children of their own. I think their husbands ( so one is my son) go along with it for peaceful lives. I was hurt at first but over the years have learned to smile , enjoy times together when I see them and let them get on with their lives. My late dad was certainly not impressed with how I was being sidelined but bless him kept quiet when I asked him not to say anything. To be honest in recent years as the grandchildren have come along, he’s been a bit more thoughtful about including his family more, so glad I didn’t upset the apple cart by saying anything.
Next oldest adult married son is completely different, no way would he have me sidelined! Spends as much time with his side of the family as his wife’s and all is good. Youngest adult son single but flat shares with a mate so no idea yet. All three brought up the same.
Adult stepdaughters scrupulously fair with their time and their husbands lovely families are totally included in everything
So, impossible to say until sons meet their partners.

In my DM's experience yes

In my family it is sadly true

In the past I think the saying was probably more true than today. Probably because in the past many daughters were at home all day with children so spent more time with their parents .

In my extended family it's true, and of friends.

Not LC or no contact, just the wife makes the decisions and the MIL obviously has low level resentment. Which I totally understand.

I would too and very glad I have a DD. (As she's all I have!)

Honestly my dh is very close to his mum, we moved close to his family as he can't bear to be less than 20 minutes drive away and he calls her almost everyday. I have a far more normal, distanced relationship with my mum. My ds and dd are both small but already my ds is far more clingy, affectionate and less independent so who knows?

@adriftabroad yes I can understand low level resentment, I definitely had some of that.
My former mother in law was very scary and not particularly approachable but I was always very respectful of her and would never have deprived her of her grandchildren. But that’s the way I was brought up, all of my grandparents were treated equally and with respect.

I don’t think it’s as this saying goes but I think with a lot of MIL there is an almost Freudian attachment to the son and from my own sorry personal experience with my MIL and from what I’ve read on MN a lot of the MIL around seem to resent on a subconscious level someone taking their son away

My DM has tried to use this with me to excuse my DB from stepping up to help support her. I was very clear that this is absolute rubbish. I do all that I can but I absolutely do not accept this sexist crap. She hasn't tried since we had that conversation. And like I said to her, my MIL has 2 sons so how does that work if you don't have a daughter? No answer.

Just because I am female and my DB is male does not mean that I am the default carer and that isn't going to happen. I love her dearly but like hell am I going to take on full responsibility for this just because of my sex. We share it equally.

🙄 been closer to my MIL for years, she seems to have a close relationship with one son, one doesn’t have close relationships with anyone and one (my DH) probably relies on me to be in touch a lot but would and does do anything that’s needed for his mum, ie pay certain bills, etc. I also have 3 boys, I just hope the world they grow into hasn’t been totally ruined by arseholes and climate change….couldn’t care less about the rest! (How close we are, do I wish I’d had a daughter, blah blah)

I think it varies from family to family. FWIW I love my MIL and DH talks to her pretty much every day. I think I like her more than my own mother, she's certainky a much easier guest. Ironically I know SIL has a better relationship with DM than she does with her own Mum.

Not always true we’re closer to my DH family than mine. Not on purpose but his parents spend much more time with DD than mine.

I don’t think it’s always the case… but that is how it’s worked out in my family. I do have a good relationship with my MIL and try and take DC over as much as I can, had I married my exP then I would not have been so forthcoming with proactive contact because she was always very cold and distant with me. So I think some of it comes down to the MIL/DIL individual relationship too.

just because it rhymes doesnt mean its true

We see both sets of parents equally. Both are amazing with the kids too.

@SmellyWellyWoo

What happens if your daughter takes a wife or your son takes a husband? Or neither of them take anyone? 🤔

Sorry no, no comprende, this doesn’t exist in my narrow view.

Hmm, funny one this. I do know grown women who get on with their folks tend to be a bit more close/hands-on and visit them more than the grown men who do. BUT there's still a large amount of men who stay close to parents/grandparents. Probably a higher portion of women stay close to mum and dad than the men, but many men still stay close to their mum and dad.

Depends on location too. Eg, we are close to our DD (late 20s) and I talk to her every day on twitter or whatsapp or on the phone. She lives 15 miles away, and has a busy life and career, so me and only see her once a fortnight. Her partner's family live within 1-2 miles, so they tend to see them both once or twice a week, and they see her more than me and DH do! We don't mind though, as we're really close.

So yeah, the old adage holds a bit of truth but not masses of it.