a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life

[maama0f3]

Is there truth to this? What's your experience? Hear of so many sad strained DIL / MIL relationship dynamics and being a mama of sons curious.

My DH (16 years married) is still very close to his mum, and I am too, she's wonderful. We're also close to my parents. So I would say it's down to the people involved and their existing relationships.

DH is closer to his parents than either of his sisters. DB and I have a pretty similar relationship with with our parents as each other.

So in my experience it's not at all true.

Not the case in our family or in my DH's. I'd say if anything the relationship between a grandmother and her grandchildren is effected by whether there is a DIL who needs space from the MIL, a DIL who doesn't or a DD who wants her mother involved. But the relationship between a mother and her children is not effected by sex in our families. All relationships are positive and the only single sibling/sibling in law sees far more of both his parents than the rest of us married siblings / siblings in law.

It’s sexist and patronising and translates as men are free to do as they please, but women must devote themselves to their families.

When my dad died so many people said to my mum, ‘Thank God you’ve got daughters!’. At first I thought it was a compliment, but quickly realised that if I was a man I could piss off and do what I liked, but because I’m a woman I’m expected to look after my mum.

It was said by many people including my aunt, who always puts her (absent) son on a pedestal and her poor daughter can’t do anything right!

@Allthestarsabovemyhead

It’s true in my family (mums brother). Obviously it’s different for every family. My mother keeps telling me that brother and sister relationships are temporary.

I think this is possibly true @SuperSocks I've personally experienced this, not sure if sister relationships are more secure? I guess it depends on personalities and upbringing too...?

@CagneyNYPD1

My DH had a lovely, close relationship with his DM. She was a truly lovely woman and a wonderful MIL. She died 7 years ago and she left a big hole in our lives.

I'm not emotionally close to my own mother but my MIL was a great role model. I learnt a lot about being a nurturing mother from her.

Looking back, she welcomed me into the family with welcome arms. She never criticised, never interferred. Never made me feel that I wasn't good enough for her boy. But she had a good reason for doing this. Her own MIL was dreadful. An awful woman who was quite abusive to my lovely MIL. So my MIL simply wanted the exact opposite to what she had.

So it is possible for Mils and DILs to have strong, healthy, close relationships. But it does depend on the people involved and in all honesty, the son/husband is key here.

This is beautiful ❤️

My MIL sees way more of her son than before he met me. He's awful at keeping in touch with everyone but he doesn't really give a toss about his parents tbh, they just aren't that close. What pisses me off is that since having DD his mum expects me to organise and facilitate an equal amount of contact with her as with my mum, who I've always been very close to and makes a lot of PA comments aimed at me for not doing this. I'd be more inclined to do so if she had the courtesy to say hello to me when she visits rather than greeting DP and DD and totally ignoring me. So I leave it all to DP and they get whatever contact they can get him to arrange. IMO she's reaping what she's sown in both her relationship with her son and then with me. I have had really nice mums of previous boyfriends who have treated me as part of the family and they tend to be the ones with better relationships with their sons anyway.

It’s sexist bollox.

Both the generalisation plus the assumption that daughters will (should) always be there to to the elders care.

I really feel for the PP whose brother dumped her when he got married.
I think it’s crap when people basically transfer their close relationships from one person to another. I suspect my partner has done this though. He would call his mum regularly and talk through stuff with her before we met. He has to really make an effort to be in touch with her now, because he does all the talking through with me, so that drive isn’t there.

I think what @MayMorris said is spot on.

I find it’s generally true, so in most cases, but not all of them.

@SuperSocks

I had a hell of a shock when my brother got married. He was 31 and had never had a serious relationship before, totally fell in love and got married and dropped me like a stone! We used to be really close, chatting about nothing on messenger most evenings, gaming together, playing pool or darts or flying his RC helicopter when we were at my parent's together etc. Since he got married we exchange a couple of lines via text every month or so, he doesn't come for family Christmas or birthdays any more and the couple of times a year he visits are very fleeting, around 24 hours, and it just feels like hosting a stranger. Saddest of all for me is his wife is having a baby next month and despite me being a maternity nurse they haven't involved me at all - I would have loved to have had a bond with the baby as our own extended family were crap and I wanted this generation to be different, but it seems it's not to be.

So I don't know about mother/son relationships (although in my brother's case he's become more distant, more formal, and often doesn't reply to my mum's texts, but she makes out she doesn't really mind) but I was shocked at the impact my brother's marriage had on my relationship with him. I don't really understand why she couldn't become 'one of us' but they just want to be in their cosy club of 2 (nearly 3) instead.

Awwhhh Super, that sounds awful especially as you were both so close. What is your Sis in law like?

I wonder the same when I see so many posts on here with women complaining that they don't want to travel to see their in laws, or that they want their MIL to babysit but not spend Christmas with them because they want to be 'own little family'.

Coming from a more communal culture this is really alien. I understand in the case of abusive or generally horrible behaviour, but suspect that plenty of the MN mums might be very lonely in old age - often the same ones who complain about how women these days don't 'have a village' but don't seem to understand that in order to get the benefit of that support you do also have the give and take of putting up with boring visits from aunts, or letting your aunt share her opinion on baby hats, or your sister occasionally feed them, or your MIL spend the weekend every now and then.

Load of crap

True in DH family. He doesn't have the emotional bandwidth of his sisters (both SAHM and retired mum, way too emo, girly and sociable for me... im barely breathing with work and busy family life). We are happy and tight-knit in our nuclear family though. I never was the sort who shares kids' photos and has to chat to her mum everyday about every minute decision.

Also true when I look at my son vs daughter personality. One remembers everyone's birthdays and the other needs arm twisted to do something nice for others, guess which is which gender??

This is just another take on the girls are so much better than boys bollocks that is so popular on here. Bring up your children to be kind and to look after relationships and be a decent person to your children's partners and you'll find out that this is nonsense.

Depends on the family. My dh was really close to his mum and I was quite excited when I fell pregnant that my kids would have a really involved granny close b especially as my family stay quite far away.

But since my sil had her children, she rarely bothers with ours which hurt dh a lot.so He distanced himself and our children from the situation so that they don’t get hurt.

Guess from my nil’s perspective it will be my fault that she doesn’t see much of her son anymore.

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life" 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

What a load of backwards, sexist absolute bollocks.

@OverTheRubicon

I wonder the same when I see so many posts on here with women complaining that they don't want to travel to see their in laws, or that they want their MIL to babysit but not spend Christmas with them because they want to be 'own little family'.

Coming from a more communal culture this is really alien. I understand in the case of abusive or generally horrible behaviour, but suspect that plenty of the MN mums might be very lonely in old age - often the same ones who complain about how women these days don't 'have a village' but don't seem to understand that in order to get the benefit of that support you do also have the give and take of putting up with boring visits from aunts, or letting your aunt share her opinion on baby hats, or your sister occasionally feed them, or your MIL spend the weekend every now and then.

Yeah I agree with this.

I hate to see people talk about 'their own family' or whatever in a way that excludes the original family they were part of (where there is no reason for this such as NC or abuse etc of course).

My parents and sister are just as much my family as any children I have, or my DP. They are important to me and always will be.

My MIL is brilliant. Her and FIL love spending time with DDs so come for the day a few times a month. FIL finds some gardening or DIY to do while they are school, MIL helps or we go shopping. Then after school they spend time with DDs and I'll cook them dinner.

I think it comes down to having mutual respect... DH doesn't expect me to do 'wifework'' for his family (except his teenage nieces presents), PILs respect that we are the parents Nd don't interfere, and I respect his family are equally important in DDs lives.

I’ve felt so close to both my mum and MIL. Both completely kind, supportive and generally amazing.
DH is also very close to my parents and sees them on his own if I’m not there .

Personally, I think that rubbish
My sister has 5 boys all of them are extremely close to her so are their wives and partners.
All of my nephews (I've got lots) are close to their mums.

True in my experience

For us yes, but only because both of DH's parents stopped speaking to him when we got engaged saying they didn't/couldn't support our marriage...my DF said that initially too but came around before the wedding. We are both pretty close to my parents and we live in a house they own, a few mins walk from them. They help us out a lot.

DP has a great relationship with his mum. I get on well with her as well. I’m non contact with mine - she saw me as someone to control and manipulate. My step mum has two sons and they and their partners are very close to her.

@cantbecoping Thanks coping! Yes, I still feel hurt even five years on. I know that sounds pathetic, but we used to be good friends so it felt a bit like hitting a concrete wall in a car travelling at speed. I was just thinking about him today because one of the daft things we used to do was see who'd be the first to send Rebecca Black's 'Friday' Youtube vid to the other on Fridays, which he just stopped after getting married. Obviously I totally realise he would have other priorities than messaging about nonsense and gaming at the weekends and stuff, but I wasn't expecting the utter radio silence. I thought we could have a catch up every couple of weeks or whatever.

His wife is nice enough but I have zero in common with her! She's very serious minded which is bizarre to me because my brother has always had a more playful personality like mine. I've tried suggesting we do fun stuff together the times they've been here, playing badminton or a board game but it goes down like a lead balloon, even watching a film together seems to be out.

I don't know how my mum can not be more hurt than she's letting on. The baby will be her first grandchild and she's actually set up a nursery in my brother's old bedroom! I've tried gently hinting that they won't actually be using it but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't for a moment imagine them coming to stay at all though.