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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I'm due Oct and my partner is not stepping up

54 replies

NewMummyToB3 · 02/03/2022 15:38

Hi Everyone! Looking for some honest advice here (in case I'm just being too harsh). I am very happily, finally pregnant, due Oct and own my home (for about 1.5 yrs now). I have a pretty good job (nothing crazy) and no substantial savings currently as everything went into buying and renovating my home. My partner lives with me but hardly ever contributes towards any bills/pays rent/doesn't pay for any food/any furniture we buy (in the last year I think he has paid me £400 rent for 2-months). I have also been buying lots of baby stuff which I started doing when we were trying to have a baby (over excited!) which he has not contributed towards whatsoever. I'm feeling really frustrated and fed-up... This month again I asked nicely and politely if he is able to pay anything towards the house/food etc this month and he said no he can't. I sat him down calmly and explained that we are having this baby together and he needs to step up and asked where his money goes (literally the only thing he has to pay for is his average car so I'm beyond confused as that obviously don't take up his whole or even a substantial part of his salary). He has a low-paid job but works full time and has many oppotunuities for overtime which he never does anymore. He told me he went into his overdraft over Christmas and is just 'minus' all the time now. I came up with an 'action plan' with him to get him back on track which seemed really positive, and tried to really motivate him. A few days later, he comes home with alcohol, and buys himself a coffee and cake. Now, I don't want to sound like a completely controlling nutter here but if you can't pay a single penny toward food or bills, surely you shouldn't be buying alcohol and coffees (especially as I'm prego so it wasn't even a treat for us both!)! I don't know, I'm really upset about it and it makes me feel used. I'm super anxious about taking my Mat leave in the near future as he'll need to help financially when I'm not being paid my full salary but I'm so worried he's just going to say he 'can't' and leave me in the s* because everything's in my name. I honestly don't know what to do now. I've tried multiple times to sit down calmly and talk things through but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I have suggested couples councelling as I thought that may provide direction but he was strongly against this. I have even kicked him out before and told him if he's going to live here, he needs to help financially... But he just slept in his car instead of getting a place and that made me feel insanely guilty. Soo... I don't know what else to try. I keep thinking it's going to get better but if anything, it's only getting worse. Any advice whatsoever would be extremely appreciated!! Thanks so much xx

OP posts:

Cakecakecheese · 02/03/2022 15:50

You were right before if he's not contributing then he shouldn't be living with you. It's not your problem where he sleeps, your priority is your child now and he will drag the two of you down. You're essentially going to be a single parent anyway so you may as well be one officially as so you can claim additional benefits etc.

Dryshampooandcoffee · 02/03/2022 15:53

Certainly never marry him. If you can’t see where his money is being spent then does he have large debts that he is paying off? If so he could access CAP, who could help him with debt repayments. Outside of finances how is he as a partner? Does he do his fair share of housework and is he supportive emotionally? Because if he’s lacking all these things then you are probably better off not being with him and claiming child maintenance.

Hugasauras · 02/03/2022 15:58

@Cakecakecheese

Yep.

Cocklodgers like this don't get better when the baby comes. They get worse. He sounds totally useless tbh.

Piggyk2 · 02/03/2022 15:59

Oh Dear. Sorry but he doesn't sound great kick him out OP he's taking advantage of you. You will be so exhausted when the baby arrives even in a low paid job he will still have excellent disposal income.

I agree with child maintenance make sure he's on the birth certificate too! As for the surname I would give the baby yours.

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/03/2022 16:00

I am baffled by what I just read...
Please stop paying for his life, you are not his mother. Focus on your baby and yourself. And start saving for maternity!
If he hasn't done it so far, I don't see why he would change and suddenly start contributing.
And you btw you don't have to ask nicely, he is supposed to be your partner and your carry his baby... it is his duty to help financially. You shouldnt even have to ask.
What a selfish person. How can he live with himself?!

GrazingSheep · 02/03/2022 16:00

Ditch him

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/03/2022 16:02

Get rid of him. He’s not going to step up he’s going to cruise along as an extra child.

What does it matter if he sleeps in his car?

FuckThatBullshit · 02/03/2022 16:03

Why are you with this utter fucking loser?!

ANameChangeAgain · 02/03/2022 16:07

Agree with everyone else. Kick him out - let him sleep in the car, its not your problem. Financially you'll be in a better position for you and your baby. Once you've had the baby you'll be able to claim for child support from him.

QforCucumber · 02/03/2022 16:10

You're about to become a mother, to an actual child, not just the one living with you already.

I'll skim past the fact you were trying for a baby with a man who contributes nothing and thought that was a good idea, but honestly - how much does he earn? Even min wage at 38 hours a week is £1200 a month take home pay. Where is his money going, if its not towards the house the baby and bills then he needs to leave, does he intend to quit work and look after the baby full time I wonder?

anon2022anon · 02/03/2022 16:11

Well if he's not going to financially support you- which it's clear he isn't- then you'll need to kick him out in order to qualify for any financial support you need for the baby- universal credits, etc. Think of it as to keep him in the house, you are literally taking money from your baby.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 02/03/2022 16:12

This is shocking. What on earth makes you think he will change? Did you actively choose to have a baby with him?

Kick him out, no question. He’s a freeloader and it will get a lot worse when the baby is here. DO NOT add him to your mortgage under any circumstances.

Sundancerintherain · 02/03/2022 16:13

Cocklodger.
Get rid, sort child support once your LO is here.
This man will NEVER step up.

Beamur · 02/03/2022 16:15

The time for hints is well past.
He either pays his way and you two have a shared plan for caring for your baby or realistically, kick him out, he's just going to drain you dry otherwise.
You'll end up broke and exhausted. This is next level man-child behaviour.

NotStayingIn · 02/03/2022 16:23

Honestly, any advice on how to fix his behavior, however well-intentioned would be pointless. If you try something, sure it might work for a little while, but he will soon revert back to type. You need to leave this loser.

Cuddlemuffin · 02/03/2022 16:25

Why do you feel guilty about him sleeping in his car when he doesn't feel guilty about using you like a bank he doesn't ever have to pay back? Having a baby puts so much pressure even on the best relationships, I suggest you have a think about how you can save money for your mat leave, child are costs and also who is in your support network and it gets lonely pretty quickly, especially without a decent partner. Wishing you all the best for the future, look out for yourself and your child. You both deserve better than this man-child.

Lillygolightly · 02/03/2022 16:27

The fact that he slept in his car when you kicked him out signified 2 things:

That he didn’t take you seriously, he just slept in his car and waited for you to take him back like he knew you would.
He was too lazy to sort himself alternative accommodation hotel/parents/friends couch or worse he chose to sleep in the car because he knew that would make you feel most guilty.

Can I ask, did he even park and sleep in his car elsewhere or did he do it where you could see that’s what he was doing for maximum guilt trip effect?!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you run around doing all the domestic chores and all the cooking! I bet his idea of contributing is ordering a take away….a take away that you probably pay for anyway!!

I would kick him out permanently if I were you!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2022 16:30

What do you want us to say? You've known exactly what he's like from the beginning yet you still chose to have a baby with this loser. Kick him out now and start planning.

BlingLoving · 02/03/2022 16:30

Oh dear OP. In 5 years time you will be my SIL - two children and a man who has not only refused to do overtime, but found excuses to cut his hours while doing nothing at home.

i have to admit, it's hard to get my head around why you've allowed him to live with you and contribute nothing in the first place. It sounds like this baby is hugely wanted but I'd be seriously reconsidering whether I should be having a baby with this man. Get rid of him as fast as possible. And then if you really want the baby, keep it but don't expect anything from him because I promise you, he will not deliver.

MintJulia · 02/03/2022 16:31

@ANameChangeAgain

Stop wasting your money on this cocklodger.

Kick him out, stop feeding him, get a lodger who actually contributes and you'll be far better off.

You're going to be a mum, you can't afford a parasite.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 02/03/2022 16:35

Absolute cocklodger!
Even if he's on minimum wage, he's only contributed £400 to the household in the last year? What's he spending his money on?
He clearly has very little respect for you, or himself for that matter, if he is happy for his pregnant partner to pay his way in life. Honestly, I've been there, and you will eventually get the ick, if you haven't already.
You're not his mum, you don't owe him a thing.
Get rid now as you will only come to despise him once the baby comes along and you see how useless he is

Abouttimemum · 02/03/2022 16:37

I honestly just can’t believe you haven’t had this conversation with him and set up a financial action plan / joint finances / figured out how to ensure equal contribution to your life and child before trying to get pregnant.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/03/2022 16:45

He’s a deadbeat and he’ll be deadbeat dad too. Why did you decide to have a baby with him?

Peppapigforlife · 02/03/2022 17:01

Guys like this usually get a woman pregnant so that he can hold onto his life of having everything paid for him.
İ have a friend with a (partner, can you even call it that) like this, that she's had two kids with and has to pay for absolutely everything because he gambles all he earns away.

DPotter · 02/03/2022 17:14

I know you're excited about the baby and I'm sorry to pile on in like the others - but it seems to me that all he has contributed to your life is his semen.

Really he's given you enough evidence that he is one of life's takers - he is not marriage material (not a phrase I like, but it does describe the situation perfectly) and frankly I'm amazed anyone would want to have a child with him either.

Do yourself and your child the biggest favour - kick him out today / this weekend. That gives you plenty of time to figure out your own finances, eg getting in a lodger / employing a nanny so you can go back to work early.

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