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Original poster

I'm due Oct and my partner is not stepping up

54 replies

NewMummyToB3 · 02/03/2022 15:38

Hi Everyone! Looking for some honest advice here (in case I'm just being too harsh). I am very happily, finally pregnant, due Oct and own my home (for about 1.5 yrs now). I have a pretty good job (nothing crazy) and no substantial savings currently as everything went into buying and renovating my home. My partner lives with me but hardly ever contributes towards any bills/pays rent/doesn't pay for any food/any furniture we buy (in the last year I think he has paid me £400 rent for 2-months). I have also been buying lots of baby stuff which I started doing when we were trying to have a baby (over excited!) which he has not contributed towards whatsoever. I'm feeling really frustrated and fed-up... This month again I asked nicely and politely if he is able to pay anything towards the house/food etc this month and he said no he can't. I sat him down calmly and explained that we are having this baby together and he needs to step up and asked where his money goes (literally the only thing he has to pay for is his average car so I'm beyond confused as that obviously don't take up his whole or even a substantial part of his salary). He has a low-paid job but works full time and has many oppotunuities for overtime which he never does anymore. He told me he went into his overdraft over Christmas and is just 'minus' all the time now. I came up with an 'action plan' with him to get him back on track which seemed really positive, and tried to really motivate him. A few days later, he comes home with alcohol, and buys himself a coffee and cake. Now, I don't want to sound like a completely controlling nutter here but if you can't pay a single penny toward food or bills, surely you shouldn't be buying alcohol and coffees (especially as I'm prego so it wasn't even a treat for us both!)! I don't know, I'm really upset about it and it makes me feel used. I'm super anxious about taking my Mat leave in the near future as he'll need to help financially when I'm not being paid my full salary but I'm so worried he's just going to say he 'can't' and leave me in the s* because everything's in my name. I honestly don't know what to do now. I've tried multiple times to sit down calmly and talk things through but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I have suggested couples councelling as I thought that may provide direction but he was strongly against this. I have even kicked him out before and told him if he's going to live here, he needs to help financially... But he just slept in his car instead of getting a place and that made me feel insanely guilty. Soo... I don't know what else to try. I keep thinking it's going to get better but if anything, it's only getting worse. Any advice whatsoever would be extremely appreciated!! Thanks so much xx

OP posts:
DPotter · 02/03/2022 17:14

Would be interested to know what your family and friends think of him ?

DPotter · 02/03/2022 17:15

Oh and don't even think of marrying him or thinking he can be the stay at home Dad - you'll still end up paying for and doing everything

birthdaywanker · 02/03/2022 17:21

I’m so sorry you’re stuck with this absolute waste of space, OP. I agree with everyone else - can’t see any way this will improve when the baby’s here. Get rid, and focus on saving for you and your baby.

bumpytrumpy · 02/03/2022 17:36

Whhhhyyyy are you having a baby with this loser?!

You're going to be a single parent both financially and emotionally . Accept it now and you can plan accordingly.

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2022 17:41

Why did you want this useless fucker to be the father of your baby? Confused

givethatbabyaname · 02/03/2022 17:44

I will never understand why women get themselves into situations like this, or why they allow themselves to be used like this. Is it desperation?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/03/2022 17:49

Have some standards and chuck him out. Can't you do any better than this cocklodger?

pitterpatterrain · 02/03/2022 17:57

The number of threads like this in the past few days

Why oh why do so many women have such incredibly non-existent standards for an adult they chose to be their partner??

All the best OP, everyone has already said it

HeadToToesNo · 02/03/2022 18:02

What, if any thing, does he actually bring to the relationship?

cornflakedreams · 02/03/2022 18:04

Leave the relationship.

And do the Freedom Programme course so you can learn what a healthy relationship looks like, because this sure as hell isn't one.

Bagpusssays · 02/03/2022 18:07

Why did you decide to get pregnant with his baby?

BurntO · 02/03/2022 18:16

Sorry OP but this is embarrassing. He showed you exactly who he was and you thought, yeah, perfect man to have a baby with.

Leave now, he will not change. May as well get used to doing it alone rather than wasting your energy hoping he’ll change.

NoSleepNoSleep · 02/03/2022 18:19

Sorry you lost me at "he doesn't contribute anything... we were trying for a baby" 😬 I don't want to kick you like others have but honestly what were you thinking? You need to focus on raising this baby alone and pursue him for child maintenance. I wouldn't even bother investing anymore time or energy into this loser.

Having a baby is hard, it can put a strain on the best relationships and normally requires financial planning, both for during maternity leave and then childcare once the baby arrives. Sounds like you've focused on ttc and not the bit where you have an actual baby. Time to start financial planning.

mumofmunchkin · 02/03/2022 18:22

You shouldn't be asking for a contribution from him as if it's a favour, you should be informing him of what the rent is and the day you expect to be paid it. Otherwise he moves out.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/03/2022 18:33

What cakecakecheese said. You've got a cocklodger on your hands there, and if you don't do something about it now, you'll have this millstone round your neck forevermore. Get rid of him now ffs!

ChocolateMassacre · 02/03/2022 18:42

Kick him out and claim maintenance via the CMS once the baby arrives. That and any single parent benefit/UC you might be entitled to may mean that you're better off financially. And it's one less mouth to feed/person using your utilities.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2022 18:45

You did right kicking him out.

You went wrong falling for his sympathy pledge.

Tell him that if he doesn't set up a DD for this month for half/proportional share of the bills he can leave and you go go through CMS for his financial support

fizzwhizz1 · 02/03/2022 18:55

As someone else said; kick him out and do the Freedom Programme

WheelieBinPrincess · 02/03/2022 18:56

And that’s the best there is is there, this Prince along men, to be the father of your child?

I mean, you’re having the baby now so you can’t go back and choose someone else to have it with, but I’d start making plans to be a single parent.

Ginger1982 · 02/03/2022 19:13

Why are you having a baby with this loser?

Lou98 · 02/03/2022 19:21

What did he do before he moved in with you?

Regardless of having a baby or not, if he's living with you, he should be contributing.
I personally don't think he should pay towards your mortgage since you own the house (although I know that's a controversial subject on here) but every other bills and food shopping etc should be split 50/50.

I would be telling him to leave - he won't sleep in his car for long, he'll be doing it to make you feel guilty so you say he can come back.

The only thing I think you're being UR about is this:

I have also been buying lots of baby stuff which I started doing when we were trying to have a baby (over excited!) which he has not contributed towards whatsoever

You weren't pregnant yet and are only very early pregnant now, most people won't have bought anything yet so I don't think it's fair to be including that in him not contributing as it was your choice to buy stuff before you were pregnant.

Other than though, you're definitely not BU and he needs to step up or get out. If you get SMP from your employer you will be entitled to UC to top it up if you're alone

Lampface · 02/03/2022 19:28

Kick him out and claim CM. Sorry OP he sounds like a right idiot.

Wizzbangfizz · 02/03/2022 19:35

Christ, in all honestly why have you set your bar so low and how did you let it get this far? . How can you even question if you are "being harsh". This man has seen his chance for a meal ticket and taken it and you are letting him. Kick him out until he contributes.

Sunnytimes21 · 02/03/2022 20:12

Op, I think like all of us, you just wanted a happy ever after. But to have that, you need to feel supported and part of a team. Just ask yourself some questions...if you look back in 5 years time and nothing has changed...is that what you want for you and your lovely baby? Or is now the time to get tough and set the standard you expect for the both of you? Don't give him any more chances. Set a rent amount and stick to it at the very least. You are not being unreasonable, you and baby deserve so much more from him

Nikki037297 · 02/03/2022 20:23

I’m due October too!!! My partner works full time; always has. Together we make £6000 a month and we share everything. We pay the bills together we have a car each we pay for our own we make sure we have enough food, we pay the gas and electricity. If my partner was to keep his money and make me pay everything with my money and he got to spend his on what ever he fancied well he wouldn’t be my partner I’d be doing this on my own! You need to ditch this man and stand up for your self: he’s walking all over you and it’s going to get so much worse and harder once your baby is born and you have 2 babies to look after and pay for! Honestly you will be so much better off without him and once he’s gone you wills feel a huge weight lifting off you.