Laying down ‘rules’ with family & friends for when the baby arrives

[TashieWoo]

Morning all, I’m 29 weeks today with my first baby and thinking about when the baby arrives and people will want to see her etc. I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being PFB about this, but really my concerns are only about sensible things, in my opinion!

We are going to a family wedding when baby will be about 6 weeks old, and some people there (my close family but I haven’t been seeing them as they are far away) are anti vaxxers and unlikely to be vaccinated before the wedding, AIBU to keep my distance from them? The last thing I want is for my newborn to catch covid!

Smoking - I know it isn’t easy as an ex smoker myself, I gave up when I found out I was pregnant, I’m lucky to have found it quite easy but I know many don’t. I am worried about the SIDS risk as well as all the other risks, and wouldn’t want anyone near my baby if they have smoked in the previous hour, and they’d have to be wearing different clothes. Is this reasonable?

Kissing baby - I have read some guidance on the herpes virus and tbh I haven’t noticed anyone who is likely to kiss the baby having coldsores, but AIBU to not want anyone to kiss her face apart from me and her dad? I just think it’s a bit much. I wouldn’t let anyone with a cold sore hold her in the first place anyway.

I know some babies are settled by having a little finger to suck on too, but similarly I would only want this to be me or her dad, AIBU?

Are there any other guidelines I should be thinking of to help keep baby protected?

Thanks in advance x

The unvaccinated - being vaccinated doesn't stop you getting Covid.

Smoking - you obv can't expect to change clothes at a wedding or even at home? But just say I don't want her held atm, I would make sure hands are sanitised. Or say when they come can you please not smoke whilst here.

Kissing - yes no one should be kissing them. But tbh not many people go to kiss a new born. But absolutely fine to say.

Finger sucking - use a dummy.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to police them whole wedding like that to be honest.

If you’re that worried, I just wouldn’t go.

The wedding one - I think it will be virtually impossible to keep a distance from your unvaccinated relatives here. Even if you don’t let them hold the baby, a new baby (one who lives far away as well) at a family wedding will get a lot of attention, people coming to say hi etc. I’m not saying you’re being unreasonable/reasonable, I’m just not sure it’s achievable in a crowded room with lots of people, depending on how much distance you want to keep.

Maybe just stay at home. People like babies. I am vaccinated and am a non smoker. I still would not want to hold yours due to these rules. Maybe other people will feel similarly and will ignore your baby. You will upset and offend people.

Also, just to add to that, almost certainly by the wedding we’ll be in a situation where you don’t have to isolate with covid and potentially tests aren’t free. So, vaccinated or not, there could be people there with covid.

The thing is, people generally like babies and won’t necessarily ‘keep their distance’. No one is knowingly going to pass on illness to a baby and I’ve yet to meet anyone else who would let DS chomp and gurn on their finger.

Try and relax a little. This wedding doesn’t sound like it’s going to be particularly enjoyable for you otherwise. It’s ok for babies to be out in the world.

I'm 29+4 (FTM) and personally some of your rules make no sense:

• the wedding: even before Covid why would you go? Your baby won't be fully vaccinated. Furthermore, you are so concerned with unvaccinated family members why would you want them around a vulnerable newborn?

• Smoking: are you really expecting people to change outfits in the middle of the day? I've never smoked but at uni a lot of people did and the one thing I remember is the smell permeated their homes, clothes, hair, skin and breath. If you are a concerned as you make out then keep all smokers away from your child.

• kissing. This is the rule that makes sense.

IMO if you start with these made up rules you'll spend a lot of time alone (ie GM/GD work with smokers or DH is out with someone who smokes - will they shower and wash hair plus change outfits just to relieve you of baby so you can catch up on sleep?? If not, Be certain you are ready for that.

@cansu

Maybe just stay at home. People like babies. I am vaccinated and am a non smoker. I still would not want to hold yours due to these rules. Maybe other people will feel similarly and will ignore your baby. You will upset and offend people.

So as a non-smoker you would be huffy with a new parent who didn't want cigarette smoke around their baby? Ok.

@TashieWoo I don't think any of these requirements are unreasonable and I'd probably feel the same but I think you will struggle at a wedding to achieve them all.

Are you thinking of speaking to people before or just dodging people on the day?

@wannabeamummysobad

I'm 29+4 (FTM) and personally some of your rules make no sense:

• the wedding: even before Covid why would you go? Your baby won't be fully vaccinated. Furthermore, you are so concerned with unvaccinated family members why would you want them around a vulnerable newborn?

• Smoking: are you really expecting people to change outfits in the middle of the day? I've never smoked but at uni a lot of people did and the one thing I remember is the smell permeated their homes, clothes, hair, skin and breath. If you are a concerned as you make out then keep all smokers away from your child.

• kissing. This is the rule that makes sense.

IMO if you start with these made up rules you'll spend a lot of time alone (ie GM/GD work with smokers or DH is out with someone who smokes - will they shower and wash hair plus change outfits just to relieve you of baby so you can catch up on sleep?? If not, Be certain you are ready for that.

The kissing rule makes absolute sense because of the risk to babies if people have the herpes virus. It can make babies seriously I'll or kill them.

I am worried about the SIDS risk as well as all the other risks, and wouldn’t want anyone near my baby if they have smoked in the previous hour, and they’d have to be wearing different clothes. Is this reasonable?

At a wedding, no.

You can have your own rules in your own household. There's no way some of your expectations are going to be met at a wedding!

I’m not worried about upsetting the anti vaxxers, yes they are my close family but I don’t care about offending them as they have put themselves in that position. I know the vaccine doesn’t stop transmission but it brings it down by a huge margin.

I am a bridesmaid at this wedding and close to the bride & groom, so I would like to go. They had to postpone their wedding due to Covid and it means a lot to them. I’m already missing the hen weekend but want to make the effort and go to the wedding. Maybe I’ll just go to the ceremony and the beginning of the reception.

I think it’s reasonable to ask people to change clothes and wash their hands after smoking.

Kissing - The problem is that my ILs have no boundaries and make their opinions known but I’ll just have to tell them. I was worried because DP didn’t know the cold sore guidance but I have 10 weeks to tell them. I just don’t want my baby getting things that are easily avoidable.

How is your baby going to be a victim of SIDS at a wedding

Your overthinking a lot of this. Most people will just have a quick coo over your mostly-sleeping baby.

@roastingmichael did the skill of comprehension bi-pass you? We made exactly the same point re kissing baby....

At the wedding I works fib and say she has a slight eye infection so only you can hold her. Easier than bossing other adults about.

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@roastingmichael did the skill of comprehension bi-pass you? We made exactly the same point re kissing baby....

[/quote]
It did, I added a 'no' before sense.

There was no need to be quite so snarky though. Thanks for that.

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@roastingmichael did the skill of comprehension bi-pass you? We made exactly the same point re kissing baby....

[/quote]
It did, I added a 'no' before sense.

There was no need to be quite so snarky though. Thanks for that.

@roastingmichael I was going to speak to them before.

Following the other replies I think I’ll just go to the ceremony & early reception, and give the rest a miss maybe. That is the part when people might be smoking anyway.

YABU on the wedding and smoking. YANBU on cold sores.

@WheelieBinPrincess exposure to smoke in the first 6 months can increase SIDS risk.

That’s a good idea @MsTSwift

Usually the anti vaxxers wouldn’t bother me as it isn’t my business, but of course I need to be my baby’s advocate. I don’t want her passed around like a parcel anyway.

Yes OP on your home and on a regular basis it has found to be an increased risk of SIDS. A couple of people smoking well away from your baby at a wedding will not.

[quote TashieWoo]@roastingmichael I was going to speak to them before.

Following the other replies I think I’ll just go to the ceremony & early reception, and give the rest a miss maybe. That is the part when people might be smoking anyway.[/quote]
I just wouldn't let anyone hold the baby at the wedding, just make an excuse. Easier than working out who is smoking/pissed etc

If your in laws are likely to be shit with boundaries then yes, talk to them about the cold sore risk and smoking before hand.
A lot of people are unaware of this and wouldn't have been a thing when they had their babies.

I don't think it's reasonable to request that smokers change their clothes at the wedding. That bit baffles me, but I understand totally that you don't want them to hold your tiny new baby. It's totally up to you. If you don't want someone holding her you could say she needs a quick feed or I'm just going to check her nappy etc.
I don't know if this will help to avoid offending people.

Your baby, your rules.

What is your plan for who will be looking after your baby during the ceremony while you are being a bridesmaid ?

Asking smokers to wash their hands is absolutely fine. Asking them to change their clothes is total PFB - nothing would happen to your baby if a smoker comes near your baby. Otherwise no one from the 50s would ever have survived past infancy.

I think it’s absolutely fine to keep your distance from unvaxed family members at the wedding and no kissing rule is just common sense.

I think it’s reasonable to ask people to change clothes and wash their hands after smoking.

At a wedding??