Laying down ‘rules’ with family & friends for when the baby arrives

[TashieWoo]

Morning all, I’m 29 weeks today with my first baby and thinking about when the baby arrives and people will want to see her etc. I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being PFB about this, but really my concerns are only about sensible things, in my opinion!

We are going to a family wedding when baby will be about 6 weeks old, and some people there (my close family but I haven’t been seeing them as they are far away) are anti vaxxers and unlikely to be vaccinated before the wedding, AIBU to keep my distance from them? The last thing I want is for my newborn to catch covid!

Smoking - I know it isn’t easy as an ex smoker myself, I gave up when I found out I was pregnant, I’m lucky to have found it quite easy but I know many don’t. I am worried about the SIDS risk as well as all the other risks, and wouldn’t want anyone near my baby if they have smoked in the previous hour, and they’d have to be wearing different clothes. Is this reasonable?

Kissing baby - I have read some guidance on the herpes virus and tbh I haven’t noticed anyone who is likely to kiss the baby having coldsores, but AIBU to not want anyone to kiss her face apart from me and her dad? I just think it’s a bit much. I wouldn’t let anyone with a cold sore hold her in the first place anyway.

I know some babies are settled by having a little finger to suck on too, but similarly I would only want this to be me or her dad, AIBU?

Are there any other guidelines I should be thinking of to help keep baby protected?

Thanks in advance x

I wouldn’t take a 6 week old to a wedding, that’s a mad idea. You won’t feel like it at all.

Wow you seem to be getting a hard time.

I agree with you - anti-Vaxxers and smokers would not be holding my new born and people would not be kissing their face.

What about a sling? You or your partner have baby in a sling and just smile regretfully if anyone asks to hold. ‘Sorry baby is asleep now’, ‘ahh sorry I’ve just got baby settled’ ‘ah sorry baby is a bit unsettled now’.

Don’t let ANYONE hold baby then no one can be offended.

@Cheekypeach

I wouldn’t take a 6 week old to a wedding, that’s a mad idea. You won’t feel like it at all.

You might not have- I could have done it and had a reasonably good day actually. I had hardly slept but DS was formula fed, chilled and portable. Not all women feel the same postpartum you know.

@Holly60

Wow you seem to be getting a hard time.

I agree with you - anti-Vaxxers and smokers would not be holding my new born and people would not be kissing their face.

What about a sling? You or your partner have baby in a sling and just smile regretfully if anyone asks to hold. ‘Sorry baby is asleep now’, ‘ahh sorry I’ve just got baby settled’ ‘ah sorry baby is a bit unsettled now’.

Don’t let ANYONE hold baby then no one can be offended.

That's a great idea.

I think you have to either go and relax, or don’t go.

Kissing and fingers in mouth fair point. Do either baby in pram or held by a parent. But it doesn’t sound much fun.

I went to a wedding with a 9 week old. He was mostly asleep or attached to my boob (cunning dress choice).

@WheelieBinPrincess 😂 of course you could, this is MN after all, most women are doing park run the day after giving birth

[quote Cheekypeach]@WheelieBinPrincess 😂 of course you could, this is MN after all, most women are doing park run the day after giving birth[/quote]
Haha, no.

That’s really not what I’m saying.

But not all women hole up with the doors locked and bolted for months on end after they’ve had a baby. I was also very lucky I had a quick recovery from an ELCS, a baby that took a bottle and a baby that although was a shit sleeper had no reflux issues or was much of a crier. So yeah I could have done a day at a wedding- I was on a train on my own with him halfway up the country to stay in a hotel and see family when he was 7 weeks.

I would go do your bridesmaid duty and go home. Don't take a six week old to a function and certainly don't ask people to bring a change of clothing - you're making a fool of yourself.

The kissing one is the only one I’d make a point of telling people about. If close family are funny about it they just need to avoid babies hands and face/head, kissing babies baby grow on the belly won’t do any harm.

The rest for the wedding just isn’t that big of a deal, it’s a wedding, a party for fun, people won’t be that invested in a baby. When baby is asleep you say no you can’t hold them, theyl wake, if baby is awake you’ll be holding them anyway cos they are tiny!

We took DS to a wedding when he was 6 weeks old and we got lots of cooing but nobody asked to hold him, they were all drinking and chatting to other adults so why would they?

It’s fine to worry about these things but just telling people in advance the rules for your baby will just make you look daft, and you may find that when you need someone to talk to when the baby is being hard work they won’t want to chat because you’ve been hard work about it. I’d just plan reasons in advance for why people can’t hold the baby I.e sleeping/too fussy/needs changing

Take a sling to the wedding and have the baby in it most of the time. Might avoid the problem.

Most of this is unlikely to happen with a newborn, they'll be asleep. People will coo at them from the pram, like pp said.

I guess you can let them know in advance about kissing and fingers. Most people with half a brain cell know not to, but there's always a few who do.

I think you need to relax just a little, there being careful and then there's taking it to extremes. Washing hands is basic hygiene and sensible, but to expect people to change clothes would be ridiculous. I would keep your plans fairly fluid for the day itself, you may or may not still be achey and struggle to stand etc for long periods, baby may or may not be an easy feeder/sleeper etc. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to do everything.

I went to a wedding with an 8 week old last summer so it is doable, but not easy. Mine was close friends so I didn’t have to worry about family politics.
I took a stretch sling and basically wore the baby all day apart from feeds and changes etc, at the age they tend to sleep pretty much the whole time anyway if you are lucky! I also bought baby ear defenders for the disco so I could dance, and they must work because the baby slept through all my dancing.

I will caveat this with it was my dc2 so a million times easier than if it were a first baby.

If I was as worried as you are I would opt out altogether and not go at all.

Your requests aren't unreasonable but it would be impossible to enforce them at a wedding without causing offence. It would be better if baby had a cold and you couldn't attend.

Why are you sticking your fingers in your baby’s mouth? That’s absolutely foul. If baby wants to soothe by suckling give them a bloody soother! I find this the absolute height of unnecessary disgusting mankiness. Would you stick your fingers in your mouth? Better yet would you suckle one his fucking finger? Unnecessary and vile. 🤮

think it’s reasonable to ask people to change clothes and wash their hands after smoking.

Of course it’s not-will people be carrying big bags at the wedding with a change of clothes in?!

If you’re bridesmaid and don’t want anyone near your baby-leave her at home with your husband.

*in your dh mouth. Please don’t start doing this when baby is born. For the love of god.

@Howshouldibehave

think it’s reasonable to ask people to change clothes and wash their hands after smoking.

Of course it’s not-will people be carrying big bags at the wedding with a change of clothes in?!

If you’re bridesmaid and don’t want anyone near your baby-leave her at home with your husband.

This.

@Cheekypeach

I wouldn’t take a 6 week old to a wedding, that’s a mad idea. You won’t feel like it at all.

You won’t know how you feel, I did weddings at 1 week post c section and 3 weeks with a newborn.

If you want to go then you’ll find a way. I would chill out though 😉

You can’t miss out on life because you have a baby.

Everyone there was once a baby believe it or not and you will not be the first person in the world to have a baby either.

I get it, things can concern you when it is your first but they are much hardier than you think.

Try not to stress too much or this will take away some of your enjoyment of having a baby.

The smoking thing is OTT though. I am strongly against smoking but you can’t make choices for others. Lots of people smoke even during pregnancy and not all of their babies die of SIDS.

I hate when people kiss DD on her face and especially hands as they go in her mouth but best thing to do is discretely clean her with a wet wipe.

Be cautious, but be realistic.

Giving people rules will just put up barriers and potentially jeopardize people’s life long relationship with you LO.

Try to chill. And enjoy LO!

For the smoking, lay a muslin over the relative’s clothes and lay baby on that. Tell them the baby pukes a lot so it’s for their own protection.

OP you may be worrying unnecessarily. A six week old baby is not yet at the smiley cute happy to be passed around stage. It’s more likely that you and your partner spend 99% of the wedding holding a sleeping baby, or feeding her.

One of my closest friends brought her six week old twins to my wedding, so it is definitely doable! They stayed for the ceremony and champagne reception and went home before the meal.

At that age, I think it's fine not to pass the baby around - as someone else suggested, keep it in a sling and say it's sleeping/just got settled.

Could you leave baby at home with DP and just go yourself for a few hours?