How to get excited about unplanned pregnancy

[Nony1]

Please help me, I'm so depressed. I am pregnant, I haven't told anyone apart from my partner who despite this being unplanned is super excited.
I am not excited, I am the opposite. I feel hugely guilty as I know some people struggle to get pregnant and would love to be in my position so I'm sorry.
A little back story I have an adult child from a previous relationship, and although previously all I wanted was more children, over the last couple of years I've started to feel that maybe I wouldn't have more. My partner always had the idea that we would have a child in the future (he has none) but I'd said to him with my age that might not happen and I think I just kind of talked myself out of it. I also didn't want to be having a baby in my 40s and thought I'd left it too late. My child is now independent and for the first time in my adult life I have more freedom and independence. I've also just finished paying off an enormous debt that has taken me 4 years of a very restricted life and finally got a bit of relief and financial freedom for the first time in my life.
2 weeks after becoming debt free I found out I was pregnant, I was incredibly shocked and upset, my partner was thrilled and is saying we will make it work finances etc don't matter. We've also had arguments because I'm so low about it and so frightened about my future that he said I'm being selfish only caring about money and freedom.

Please help me, how do I change my mindset and become excited?

I actually feel quite shocked at my reaction as for a long time I always wanted more and now it's the last thing I want which also makes me feel so bad and guilty.

Do you need to get excited or do you need to talk to someone about your options @Nony1? You don't have to complete this pregnancy.

I've thought about contacting bpas but I feel like it will be horrific for my partner as he is so excited. If I tell him this isn't what I want I think he'll be devastated since he's already said I'm selfish for caring about finances and freedom and ruining his first chance at having a child.

I don't want to lose my relationship which I think I will if I go down that route, I also don't really feel like I could go through with a termination. I am pro choice and have no issues with it at all, but when I think about it I think maybe I could but then I think of what that would actually mean and feel selfish and guilty and like a terrible person. I'm so unhappy

You can't have a baby because someone else wants one. But yes, it might cost you the relationship if he wants one enough to leave.
On the other hand, what will having a baby you don't want do to you all?

Give yourself a bit if time to get used to it but you shouldn't have to force yourself to get excited about your pregnancy if heart of hearts you do not want it to continue. Having a baby that you don't really want just because your partner is excited is really not good. Have a good think about what you actually want.

Sadly you can't keep a baby to keep your relationship.

You have to ask yourself if this is what you really want.

Yes you may loose your relationship but would you loose more by having the baby?

I presume you are in the early stages of pregnancy.

You don't have to tell him the truth - I'll say no more than that.

You do have to think about it very seriously.

I feel like I'm living a split life, where I'm thinking of the future and can see it with a baby/child then thinking of the other life where I don't have a child. I'm taking folic acid and not drinking etc, I'm sure when the baby is born I'll love it and feel guilty for even feeling this way, but i also feel trapped and suffocated. We have no family support due to death and location so it'll be completely on us, I love my child so much and had them young, they were planned and the relationship with their dad ended after a year. I have no regrets I loved being a mum and bringing them up on my own were really close and I love seeing them get more independent etc.

I'm thinking how different it will all be this time with no family support and financially I am not going to have any breathing space from just becoming debt free I'm right back at living a financially restrictive life because I'll be on statutory maternity pay which I can't afford!

If we'd planned this pregnancy we would have discussed it and saved out money aside to make up for this. We're currently trying to sell houses and move but now that I'll be on stat maternity pay we won't be able to afford the houses we had been looking at. I currently work full time in a role I can't do part time so no idea how I'd cope once Mat leave is over as I wouldn't want to work full time with a 9 month old, plus childcare would cost a fortune and no family support. Partner says he'll stay home then and I go back to work full time but he earns far more than me so that wouldn't make sense and I wouldn't cope with that either.

Sorry I'm rambling but I've not spoken to anyone and all of this is going through my head.

Do what you want even if it means termination. A child is a huge lifelong commitment and maybe you now want to be just you. If your Dp can't let you do what you like to make yourself happy I would ditch him. If you follow your feelings you've lost him but someone what can't see what's best for you isn't worth having

Thank you for all your replies, I just don't think I could go through with a termination. I feel so stupid, so guilty, so stuck and so unhappy.

I have worked so hard to bring up my child give them a good life despite being a young single Mum I thought no I was out of debt I could relax a little around finances and financially help my adult child out a little if needed now I'm going to be back to scrimping and feel like I've let my adult child down, won't really have anything spare to support them with after working so hard to pay my debt off.

I'm such an idiot, I'm a grown woman and have got myself into this situation. One of the reasons I've not talked to any of my friends about it is because they'll all be thrilled for us, thinking this is what I always wanted. Which it was in the past, it's just been the last couple of years it started to change for me. I'm so mad at myself I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If I terminate will I always wonder what if and forever regret that decision

If I don't will I be unhappy and depressed in a life I didn't want.

I'm so confused, I've been low for quite sometime so maybe it's the depression talking.

Maybe if I wasn't so low I'd have reacted differently to the news. I don't know what to do or think I just know either way I'm going to be unhappy so it's which unhappy choice so I make and live with

Can I ask how old you are op ?

I'm 38 will be 39 soon

It sounds as though you have made your mind up, Nony. Honestly, in a couple of months you will be feeling 'mumsy'. You'll still be able to go to work after a while and help your eldest. Your husband will be cock a hoop.

You're not the only one to have an unplanned pregnancy, it happens all the time and usually results in joy. I hope that is the case for you.

Let us know as soon as we can say, "Congratulations". :-)

Think what you want, not DH. You’ve been a single mum before, you know the score

Have a baby if you want to have a baby. Not for someone else, not because you 'should' want to, not to punish yourself for getting pregnant. I think it could help you to get in touch with BPAS for some impartial counselling, it doesn't sound like your dp is being very supportive.

I'd agree about some counselling. I think there may not be a perfect answer here with no regrets, but that doesn't mean there couldn't be a better answer.

Making an entire new life because you can't face a termination doesn't sound like a good idea.

You don't actually sound like you want a baby as much as not wanting an abortion.

You need to be really honest with yourself about what you want. If you could snap your fingers and not be pregnant, would you?

@MrsTerryPratchett as horrible of a human being it makes me feel yes if I could do that I would.

I actually wrote this post to try and get some advice about becoming excited as I felt like I had no choice.

I'm shocked at the replies but very grateful for them all

Feel like such a rubbish person and so utterly depressed

It doesn't make you horrible or rubbish. If I got pregnant now I wouldn't want to keep the pregnancy.

You say you're pro-choice but you're not giving yourself the same love and respect you'd offer another woman in the same boat. You deserve to make decisions for yourself.

Just to say, abortion is frequent and always has been since women could get pregnant. It is something that women did, as it continues to be. A huge proportion of course being women who already have children.

But to feel as trapped as you feel, to face losing your partner as well... it's a lot to take on. Do get counselling; you andyour family deserve it.

You don't have to lose your partner over this. Take him out of the equation and focus on what you want. I know thats harsh but you have to put yourself first.

If you do decide you definitely don't want this child then you can always say you miscarried.

I know thats a lie and you will have to live life knowing that. But its not that uncommon; it might have happened anyway.

I'm currently 11 weeks with my 3rd baby and this one has been a rollercoaster for me, we've tried for this baby for months and I wanted to be pregnant so bad but once I found out I was pregnant I had some HORRIBLE thoughts, my anxiety was in kill time. I genuinely didn't want the baby any more but I knew how crazy my emotions were, I'm now adjusting to it & even still get nervous now but I know I'm gonna love this baby! I have the best baby daddy in the world also, so that helps.

An abortion is permanent- what's done cannot be undone.

Is it your hormones? Emotions? Anxiety? Just being a big pregnant hot mess? 😂 I sure know I am!!

Only YOU know what's best for YOU. Nobody on here could ever truly give you advice for something so huge.

I wish you the best of luck & success in whichever decision you make mama.

Sorry but every relationship has its tests, and maybe this one is showing you that you’re not compatible with your current partner. You want different things in life. You should not feel forced into such a major life decision in fear of upsetting him. Any level headed person can see your concerns. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. You’ll be in your mid-late 50s by the time this child is ready to move out. That’s a major commitment to make.

Honest answer......

I would get the abortion pills, take them and then fake a miscarriage. There it is.

I would never tell him the truth and I wouldnt feel guilty about it either.

The simple fact is that he can be as excited as he likes....when he doesnt have to carry or birth the child and doesnt have to take the financial emotional and physical ramifications.

Do what is best for you and this case, I would lie.

@Becca92xo

I'm currently 11 weeks with my 3rd baby and this one has been a rollercoaster for me, we've tried for this baby for months and I wanted to be pregnant so bad but once I found out I was pregnant I had some HORRIBLE thoughts, my anxiety was in kill time. I genuinely didn't want the baby any more but I knew how crazy my emotions were, I'm now adjusting to it & even still get nervous now but I know I'm gonna love this baby! I have the best baby daddy in the world also, so that helps.

An abortion is permanent- what's done cannot be undone.

Is it your hormones? Emotions? Anxiety? Just being a big pregnant hot mess? 😂 I sure know I am!!

Only YOU know what's best for YOU. Nobody on here could ever truly give you advice for something so huge.

I wish you the best of luck & success in whichever decision you make mama.

An abortion is permanent......but so is a baby and has far further reaching consequences for all concerned if it is unwanted.

Good for you that your wobble went away, I have had 6 children, wanted them all and still had that wobble with each of them. I didnt end up pregnant accidentally when I actively didnt want to be so I am not sure that this is terribly helpful for the OP.

Even though I agree that OP has choices to make and would encourage them to involve her partner in them as it does affect him too....

I am GOBSMACKED at the amount of woman telling OP to lie and say she had a miscarriage! I'm sorry but that's a huge thing to lie about and not something to think about lightly!
Imagine always knowing you made that choice to terminate (which yes is a choice for OP) but her partner grieving a loss he thinks happened naturally....also what if he wants to try again? What's OP meant to say to that? Saying no will likely breakdown the relationship if he's set to want a baby so what will you women advise her to lie about birth control too 🤔

OP please don't keep secrets from your DP, include him in your decisions and if you choose to terminate and he choices to leave then that's his choice, if this has made him really think about having kids he should deserve to find someone who wants what he does too- just like if you don't want anymore kids then you deserve to find someone similarly, I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make