How to get excited about unplanned pregnancy

[Nony1]

Please help me, I'm so depressed. I am pregnant, I haven't told anyone apart from my partner who despite this being unplanned is super excited.
I am not excited, I am the opposite. I feel hugely guilty as I know some people struggle to get pregnant and would love to be in my position so I'm sorry.
A little back story I have an adult child from a previous relationship, and although previously all I wanted was more children, over the last couple of years I've started to feel that maybe I wouldn't have more. My partner always had the idea that we would have a child in the future (he has none) but I'd said to him with my age that might not happen and I think I just kind of talked myself out of it. I also didn't want to be having a baby in my 40s and thought I'd left it too late. My child is now independent and for the first time in my adult life I have more freedom and independence. I've also just finished paying off an enormous debt that has taken me 4 years of a very restricted life and finally got a bit of relief and financial freedom for the first time in my life.
2 weeks after becoming debt free I found out I was pregnant, I was incredibly shocked and upset, my partner was thrilled and is saying we will make it work finances etc don't matter. We've also had arguments because I'm so low about it and so frightened about my future that he said I'm being selfish only caring about money and freedom.

Please help me, how do I change my mindset and become excited?

I actually feel quite shocked at my reaction as for a long time I always wanted more and now it's the last thing I want which also makes me feel so bad and guilty.

Morning @Nony1 been reading this post off and on the past few days. It really struck a cord with me.

I found I was 9 weeks pregnant in August 2020 with a very much unplanned 3rd DC (mirena coil isnt 100% ..). My older 2 were in Primary school, we'd gotten rid of the baby furniture, prams, baby proofing paraphernalia, got a smaller car... lots of holidays planned for when lockdown was over, Disneyland, lapland. All sorts of adventures as a family of 4.

After much soul searching and mainly due to the gestation, we decided to continue with the pregnancy and our baby was born in April this year.

It took me several months to get my head around it. I wasn't interested in picking out items and clothes, I was very much going about things in a methodological manner. What do we need rather than what I want. The comments from people "what are you thinking having a third, you must be mental, that's my idea of hell, I'm so glad we're out of the baby stage" didn't really help either!

When I was around 30 weeks, I was pretty blunt with a group of colleagues on a call when my upcoming maternity leave was discussed. I told them it wasn't planned and I was struggling with it, so thanks for those comments. The meeting quickly moved on , but afterwards a colleague reached out to me and explained she'd been through similar. We had a couple of really good chats, the best bit of advice she gave me was to adjust my thinking - it's not a step backwards, it's just a different direction.

There are days when I do struggle mentally and have a little mourn (last month it was the first set of nursery fees now I'm back at work, I just though ohh what i could do with that money..), but there's no point dwelling on it. I just find a positive about it- e.g. It's 2 years until we get the 30 hours funding. It's no time at all. Odd little moments, but I'd say I'm 99% there.

@Nony1 how are you getting on OP? 💐

[quote SoOverThisCrap]@Nony1 how are you getting on OP? 💐[/quote]
@SoOverThisCrap

A little better....
Strangely I've just got up because I woke at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, and I was thinking about coming on here and updating this thread and you had messaged.

I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you who replied to me, I'm sorry I haven't replied to each of you individually but I have come back to this thread and read them many many times and all of them have helped me work through things so much.

Had a real good chat with my partner and the main issue was finances for me which I don't think he'd really realised how bad the last 4 years had been for me in a mountain of debt and trying to get rid of it, because I'd put on a brave face and just knuckled down and gotten on with things because I was just focusing on getting out of debt and that was keeping me going so he hadn't really grasped the enormity of it for me. We've talked about me returning to work sooner and not taking the full 9 months as my work don't pay maternity above statutory and even though I had the baby years at home with my first child and aways wanted to do that if I had any more it's just not really financially viable for me this time around and I think if I took a shorter maternity leave and asked to drop a day when I returned to work I'd feel like I had more security than if I take the full 9-12 months and don't return to work until the baby was old enough for pre school which is what I'd originally thought I'd do. I mean I might feel differently once the baby is here, but having that as an option feels safer financially for me. We're not married and own separate properties but we were aiming towards buying together before this happened. I think I'd built it up in my head that I'd just got financially secure and I was going to be vulnerable and struggling and gotten myself into a low way and was struggling to see a way out.

I also finally told someone and had a really good chat with them I told them and burst into tears and they were like congratulations why are we crying? And I said because it wasn't planned and it's bad timing and told them all the things I said on here. They were wonderful and listened and shone a light on a few of the things I was worried about but had built up in my head as being something that really it wasn't.

I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I really am grateful to have had this space to air my feelings and for all the advice and support and although I have decided not to go down the route of abortion (I gave it a really serious think) I'm grateful that the option was there for me as it hasn't been for so many women before me and I'm grateful for those that gently suggested it with no ounce of judgement. As I said in one of my posts I am completely pro choice and I feel lucky that the option is there for me as a woman.

One of you asked me to let you know when you could say congratulations? Well I'm ready for that now "I'm having a baby" I'm in floods of tears writing this (I blame the hormones)

Thank you to all of you who shared your stories with me and gave me advice on how to move forward with this.

I created an account just to make this post. I can see me been a regular on here now, especially because it's 20 years since I was last pregnant! So this almost feels like my first all over again!

@Nony1 Congratulations! You sound like such a lovely person. Good luck!

Congratulations! Your family is lucky to have you - wishing you every happiness 💐

Congratulations and I'm so glad you've been able to work through how you were feeling to get to a decision you are happy with. Wishing you a safe and straightforward pregnancy

@Nony1 that's absolutely fantastic news, congratulations to you and your family 😊

Congratulations

@Nony1 congratulations. I'm so happy you've been able to reach a decision you're happy with.

Thanks everyone, onwards and upwards now

@Nony1

I'm delighted for you. Congratulations 💐💐💐

@ohidoliketobe

Thanks for sharing your story, you write really well about the various emotions you felt. I'm so glad it all worked out for you. It was great you shared with your colleagues, and that one of them could give you an insight into her own experience.