How to get excited about unplanned pregnancy

[Nony1]

Please help me, I'm so depressed. I am pregnant, I haven't told anyone apart from my partner who despite this being unplanned is super excited.
I am not excited, I am the opposite. I feel hugely guilty as I know some people struggle to get pregnant and would love to be in my position so I'm sorry.
A little back story I have an adult child from a previous relationship, and although previously all I wanted was more children, over the last couple of years I've started to feel that maybe I wouldn't have more. My partner always had the idea that we would have a child in the future (he has none) but I'd said to him with my age that might not happen and I think I just kind of talked myself out of it. I also didn't want to be having a baby in my 40s and thought I'd left it too late. My child is now independent and for the first time in my adult life I have more freedom and independence. I've also just finished paying off an enormous debt that has taken me 4 years of a very restricted life and finally got a bit of relief and financial freedom for the first time in my life.
2 weeks after becoming debt free I found out I was pregnant, I was incredibly shocked and upset, my partner was thrilled and is saying we will make it work finances etc don't matter. We've also had arguments because I'm so low about it and so frightened about my future that he said I'm being selfish only caring about money and freedom.

Please help me, how do I change my mindset and become excited?

I actually feel quite shocked at my reaction as for a long time I always wanted more and now it's the last thing I want which also makes me feel so bad and guilty.

At 39 with an almost adult child I can understand why you don't want to go back to the baby stage. You want to have your life back. You have recently paid off debit so your savings are low until you get time to build them up.
You said your partner was happy to hear the news despite the lack of planning for a baby. I would not just have a baby for him because it's what he wants. You have to carry this baby and it going to effect your life more than his. Also at 39 you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs

Do not fake a miscarriage that's disgusting advice.

The OP is an adult and in a stable relationship and presumably there was some mix up with contraception resulting in this pregnancy - if you truly didn't want (more) children then permanent contraception should have been sought. It wasn't so the risk was always there and now you have to own your choices

You have to give yourself a chance to get over the shock of this and then maybe you will be excited. Don’t forget in the early stages of pregnancy your hormones are also going a bit crazy so that might be making you feel worse.

You have been a young single mom, but this time you have an excited partner and sounds like you are financially secure so it will be easier than the last time.

Give yourself a chance to be excited, look at the positives and realise just because this is a change of plan it is not the end of the world! It’s just a whole new plan with loads of upsides and joys in the future .

How long have you been with your partner? Do you live together? You said you were trying to sell houses in order to move. So I'm reading this in that you don't live with each other.

If this is a relatively new relationship and. You don't yet live together then continuing with the pregnancy puts you in a very vulnerable position. You could end up being a single mum again.

If you are thinking of going ahead you need to protect yourself financially. Get married, have both names on any property you buy together, get advice on how to protect your money in the event of a split.

You need to discuss finances, housing, working, maternity leave, retuning to work. How will it work and how to protect your future self. If he can't discuss all this properly then having another baby at 39 when you have just got yourself financially stable would be stupid.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Honest answer......

I would get the abortion pills, take them and then fake a miscarriage. There it is.

I would never tell him the truth and I wouldnt feel guilty about it either.

The simple fact is that he can be as excited as he likes....when he doesnt have to carry or birth the child and doesnt have to take the financial emotional and physical ramifications.

Do what is best for you and this case, I would lie.

Jesus Christ. Imagine advising this.

OP absolutely must make the best choice for her. But suggesting to her to lie to her DP, who she presumably loves, and add to her own trauma by faking a miscarriage, is dreadful. And why should she lie anyway? Her decision is right for her.

It would be better if the OP was in a relationship were she felt able to freely make choices and have them supported. As she doesn’t seem to be, then yes, she should look after her body and her choices and only share the truth if she feels comfortable.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation - cried her eyes out over the impossible choice. In the end decided she didn’t want a termination, just didn’t feel right for her. Kiddo is now 3 and she keeps saying how it’s not what she originally wanted but now she’s here she can’t imagine not having her around.

I think whilst it’s tough now, in the long run hopefully you’ll feel ok with whatever choice you make

You do not need to feel guilted into continuing with a pregnancy because that's what your partner wants. You don't need to feel bad because other women are infertile.

This is your life and your body and also the life of another human being you will be responsible for for years to come. Maybe you will be overjoyed upon giving birth and everything will slot into place, maybe you'll continue to feel exactly the same way you do now. But nobody can help you feel excited for a pregnancy you never wanted or expected.

as it's unbelievably hard but you need to be honest with your partner about how you feel and make a decision for YOU.

Thank you for all your replies. I can't reply to you all individually as I'm in a really dark place and very overwhelmed.

We've been together 6 years and lived together 2. We aren't married and don't own a joint property.

Yes I love him, and yes it's sad I can't tell him how I really feel. I tried to talk to him about how scared I was and Initially he was supportive and said we'll make it work whatever it takes. Then when I kept bringing it up it ended up in argument where he said I was being selfish because all I cared about was money. It's not all I care about, I have recently become debt free and have no savings so it is a huge concern it is what's panicking me the most. Maybe I am selfish.

Thank you for all your replies, I'm so sad that I've let myself get into this situation.

Huge hugs. Don't be so hard on yourself. Loads of people end up accidentally pregnant. You have 2 really difficult options and neither of them will feel good, unfortunately.

If you decide to have a termination, you will feel better in time with counselling.

If you decide to proceed with a pregnancy, you will feel better in time with counselling.

Loads of women also consider a termination and change their mind- don't feel guilty about that- it's right to consider all your options.

You can only do what's right for you and seek professional, impartial support via counselling to help you understand and manage the situation and your feelings. Don't get weighed down by the judgement of others- it's your life and not theirs.

Also wanted to say congratulations on clearing a debt- it's a massive achievement!

I was in your shoes a few months ago OP. When I found out I was pregnant with DD2, I was heartbroken because we just weren't ready for another baby (DD1 is 2yo), financially we were in a bit of a mess, the house is too small to fit her in, nothing seemed right and I couldn't see any positives to having another baby. DP was excited and one night I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore, i broke down and told DP exactly how I felt and I felt horrible. But we put plans in place for buying baby things, moving house etc and I did feel better. I even went to my 12 weeks scan and in my head I was hoping there wasn't a hearbeat because I felt horrible having a baby that wasn't wanted. However, I am 30 weeks now, by the time I got to around 15/16 weeks, I felt much more excited and I felt fucking awful for having thoughts i'd had before. I can't wait for her to arrive now but I still hate myself for not wanting her in the first few months. You do have options OP, do what is right for you, but my view did change. Either way, don't do anything you'll regret.

Whatever you do, please don't fake a miscarriage. I have a DD who's 5, and since then I've been pregnant 3 times and miscarried each one, including a MMC at 10 weeks with twins last year. The impact a miscarriage has is absolutely devastating for the partner, they feel helpless and in your case he may want to try again...

My husband certainly did (and so did I) and I'm now almost 8 weeks pregnant again, we were blessed to see a heartbeat on Monday but I am riddled with anxiety over this pregnancy and I know that all 3 previous losses have affected my husband, even though he doesn't talk about it much.

To deliberately do that to someone you love is awful and at least if you terminate your partner will be prepared (as much as possible) that there will no longer be a baby and you won't have to carry the weight of lying and the possibility that he may want to actively try for another one...

Thank you for all your posts I know you all mean well so please don't argue over whose advice is good/bad.

Remember I started the post off to ask for help with getting excited for a pregnancy I hadn't planned.

I need to have a talk to partner as I have t since we had a big argument over it. He knows I'm low, but I think he's trying to ignore that because he wants this so much.

When I last cried and said how I felt he said to me it's happened now so are you just going to wallow for the next how many months or start making plans and getting excited.

I know he's right but I'm struggling to get excited, I'm already a Mum I know what it's like and as I said I have no regrets having a child young and bringing them mainly on my own (although I had family support that I no longer have due to death)
The last 4 years have been a massive struggle financially but I kept going thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel, becoming pregnant has snuffed that light out and it's right back to struggling. That along with the fact I'm 20 years older this time around, have no family support it's just making me feel so depressed and hopeless.

Partner says none of that matters we'll cope, a child's better than having a nice house, car, holidays, freedom etc. where I can see where's he's coming from it's easy for him
To say that when he's had all
Those things for the last 20 years. I've never had financial security, holidays, nice things (not complaining and wouldn't change it for the world) but I though after clearing the debt now I'd have the chance to have a few luxuries whilst also supporting my adult child from time to time.

I don't know, it's such a rubbish situation I feel so much guilt for feeling this way and like a terrible person.

I guess things happen for a reason and life doesn't always go the way we planned I just hope I start to feel a bit more positive because things are really bad at the moment, I can't sleep I can't concentrate at work, I don't even want to shower / wash my hair, don't want to see friends or anyone just feel like I'm rock bottom

@Nony1 I am the same age as you and would love another baby, we've tried for 4 years and it's not happening. I understand why you say you feel guilty for feeling the way you feel when you think of women like me.
BUT
You do not have to have a baby you don't want. You shouldn't feel any guilt about that, just because some women can't or doesn't mean the ones who can should be forced or emotionally blackmailed into completing a pregnancy that they wish to terminate.
Your feelings are so valid.
You are not a bad person for feeling the way you feel.
You partner does not get to make the decision for you. His want for the baby does not trump your feelings.

I hope this makes sense, I just wanted to let you know that as a woman who is struggling with fertility issues, I would never judge you and you don't have to carry the weight of those feelings, you need to make the right decision for you, forget about everyone else. I hope you're ok.

Your partner doesn't sound very supportive, he's made up his mind and isn't taking your feelings into account, I'd say he's more of te selfish one than you are.

I'm concerned about your mental health. I think you should seek councelling. Do not be guilt tripped into making a decision that isn't right for you.

You have asked about how to get excited for a pregnancy that is unplanned. You do have choices, but it sounds as though you have weighed the decision to terminate and decided in your specific situation that this doesn’t feel like a feasible option. I do understand - it must feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. Have you broached the idea of terminating the pregnancy with your partner at all, even gently? The way he speaks suggests he hasn’t considered it (i.e. your only choice is to wallow or make plans, which isn’t true), even though you have explained your feelings. What would happen if you floated it as an option on your mind?

That being said - if you are determined to keep it and you want to find ways to feel better about the next phase of your life, this is what I would do:

• Make a list of all the things that you loved about being a parent the first time around. Make a list of the things that would be easier now than it was before. You mention you had family support before and death has changed that now, but you also have an excited and committed partner this time. You are older/wiser and you may not need the same kind of emotional support you did when you were younger. You will know what you are doing. Your baby will have a sibling who may really enjoy looking after him/her and spending time with you all.

• Try not to think of the finances as so black and white. A baby does create more financial commitments than before, but you have also just paid off your debt. That’s amazing! Going into parenthood without debt (as a starting point) is great. Can you explore other ways to get financial support? Universal credit/govt support? Shared parental leave with your partner?

• Seek professional support - your last post does suggest you are struggling with your mental health quite badly at the moment (understandably). With the correct support and maybe even medication, you may find the decisions around this time in your life become clearer and easier to make. Maybe you don’t feel as positive about this pregnancy because you don’t believe in your ability to cope at the moment, but that can change. On the other hand, maybe your mental health is holding you back from making the decision to terminate and prioritising your needs over that of your partner. Either way, looking after yourself and your mental health right now is going to help.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Do not fake a miscarriage that's disgusting advice.

The OP is an adult and in a stable relationship and presumably there was some mix up with contraception resulting in this pregnancy - if you truly didn't want (more) children then permanent contraception should have been sought. It wasn't so the risk was always there and now you have to own your choices

What a load of judgmental bollocks.

An unwanted child should be brought into the world to serve the OP right for not being sterilised? Yuk.

@MrsTerryPratchett

If you read my post properly.....it was in relation to faking a miscarriage

The OP is free to abort or not it's entirely up to her but hiding behind a fake miscarriage is totally immature and selfish

I just posted what I would do.

The OP is being railroaded into putting her fears and worries to one side to facilitate what he wants. He isnt listening to her, he isnt being supportive and she doesnt feel able to voice her feelings.

If I was in that relationship and wanted to terminate then yes, I would lie.

Frankly, whatever happens now someone is going to be resentful and angry and it could end the relationship. Surely it is better that a child isnt brought into that situation?

How is it worse for her to lie than for him to disregard everything she is trying to tell him just because he doesnt want to hear it? What about HER pain?

Yes I agree with PyongyangKipperbang

I did not say to use the miscarriage excuse lightly. If this was my best friend who was in this situation and her judgement was being impacted by potentially losing her much loved relationship - its what I would suggest as an option which takes the partner issue out of the equation.

Yes I understand the partner may struggle mourning the potential child - but if thats the case he will anyway; the only difference is blaming OP or nature.

Thats all I am going to say on it as I dont want to get into an argument about it. Its up to OP whether morally its ok for her to lie to her partner about this.

I wouldnt judge a friend who decided either way. She has to put herself first.

The fake miscarriage advice should be reserved at risk of harm from domestic abuse. If you're at the stage where you have to do that, there's no future there.

Sorry you're in this situation. I'd tell him you're not sure about keeping and be honest. I don't think it's fair to lie about miscarriage and keep him hoping it'll happen again either.

Best of luck with what you decide

@Nony1 from your post it seems that the money is one of the main reasons you are having reservations which I understand after becoming debt free.

Please let me reassure you that it doesn't have to be hugely expensive. Facebook marketplace is brilliant, some of the second hand prams are almost brand new, you can get very cheap second hand cots or Moses baskets which again have barely been used, lots of clothes etc.

It doesn't have to cost the earth. In regards to taking time off, will your job pay any maternity leave? Can your partner help save over the next 7/8 months so you have some money when the baby comes.

It seems you have made the decision to keep the baby, if that's the case then focus on moving forward. You will feel so much better when you put a plan in place and can see the woods through the trees.

We're all here to support you and sorry you are going through such a tough time x

Oh @Nony1 I really feel for you.

To me, it sounds like you want to end this pregnancy and each of your reasons is completely valid. Your partner doesn’t sound very supportive of your feelings and that would worry me.

As you know, a child is lifelong and you have just got yourself in a position you’ve been working towards for years.

What do you want? If you take your partner away?

I had a termination 3 years ago as another baby at that time was not what I wanted. I don’t, and never have regretted it. Having another baby just doesn’t fit into my plan. I am the same age as you and also getting close to financial security.

If you want to chat, PM me

It's all just so difficult, had a talk to my partner who said if I did want to terminate that's my choice as it's my body but he doesn't know how he'd feel about that.

It's just not that simple for me, I can't go back in time and be un pregnant, I am pregnant and if I choose to terminate I know I won't be anymore but I'll always know I was. I'll know when the due date comes up etc. Yes I'll be more financially stable but will I always be thinking yea I can afford x y and z but I don't have the child.

My head is a complete mess, I just want to be happy and feel I'm not going to be now whatever happens. I know I'll love a baby/ child of course I will but it's going to be a struggle and change the way our lives were looking.

If I had a magic wand it would be to not be pregnant but an abortion can't do that, yes it ends the current pregnancy but I'll always have been pregnant and I can't unknow that.

Sorry I'm such a mess and you're all being so kind and helpful thank you, I have no where else to vent my feelings.

I can't believe I have gotten myself into this situation at nearly 40.

I probably just need to grown up and get on with things

Also I'm sorry I'm not replying to you all individually it's a lot to take in but I'm reading them and appreciate all of them thank you.