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Original poster

MIL and co trying to pick our son's name. How do I pleasantly tell them to p*** off?

58 replies

Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 18:18

We found out yesterday we're having a boy which we're over the moon about and had picked a name as soon as I become pregnant which we're really settled on and I associate my bump with that name! So my family have said it's nice (Though I doubt they like it especially but it doesn't really matter and I'm happy they've said it's nice). However, DPs family have tried to take over with the name which REALLY riles me every time. I've made it very clear for some time that WE are picking our baby's name and no one else will influence that. It also has sentimental value to us.

However, today i was at work and my DP went to see his family and they have been trying to talk him out of naming our son the name we like. I'm REALLY upset about it and now they've started discussing it with their work colleagues and deciding what an appropriate alternative would be, including swapping the names round the other way and chosing all kinds of different names and stuff. Then they ring us to tell us what we SHOULD call OUR baby. All I wanted them to say was 'that's nice'. I know they're going to put doubts in DPs mind about our name, and besides all that, I'm fed up to the back teeth of everyone of them having an opinion on every last thing.

Now me and DP are starting to snap at each other over it because I'm getting to irritated with them. I love my DP to bits and don't want to upset him, or them for that matter, but how do I find a way around it? At the moment I want to scream and shout at them all for ruining it when we've just found out what we're having. How can I make them but out?

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lapiNewYear · 29/12/2007 18:20

Nod and smile, nod and smile... just agree with them... and when you go to register your baby's birth, choose the name YOU want.

Don't let them upset you x

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 18:20

Also, he goes to see his family each day when I'm at work, so they'll have loads of time to work on him and make him hate the name we've picked.

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lapiNewYear · 29/12/2007 18:20

What rude feckers they are, incidentally...

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 18:21

Ooops I cross posted. Okey, I will do, I'm just so worried they're going to influence my DP as they are a HUGE part of his life

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poppy34 · 29/12/2007 18:22

tell them where to go - can you not tell your DP how much its upsetting you ? can you not stress to him how much you want the name/anything to do wtih baby to be something you decide as a couple as this may be less confrontational than your parents are interfering?

brusselbeansprouts · 29/12/2007 18:22

It's really not their business, they have no right to act like this. Very, very insensitive.

Just ignore them, they to learn what boundaries are - in the mean time, just keep saying, "that's nice, but we have decided on X".

scorpio1 · 29/12/2007 18:22

but its yours and dp's baby, not theres.

just say something like 'thats very helpful, but we are decided thankyou'. Repeat at regular intervals.

weirdly, my MIL has chosen Millie for my 25 week girl bump and we love it!

scorpio1 · 29/12/2007 18:23

sorry, theirs. Have pg brain.

Twiglett · 29/12/2007 18:25

everybody has an opinion over baby's names .. everybody .. before they're born that is

afterwards you just get compliments (or the occasional mad mother / mil who calls your child a different name until you slap them into touch .. my sister's MIL called her grandson John .. his name was Adam LOL)

Hekate · 29/12/2007 18:25

I agree with lapin, just smile and nod and say what a nice name they are suggesting.

Then go down on your own and register the name YOU like.

Or just tell them that they should feel free to call any person that they push out of their bodies, any name they like. This one is yours.

OR tell them that you have changed your mind and you shall now be calling your son

Shirley Algernon Maverikk Montlemort

And watch them agree your first choice was really nice after all!!

Hekate · 29/12/2007 18:27

oops, when I say I agree with lapin, I'm not ignoring everyone else, it's just only lapin had replied when I started to type!!

snooks · 29/12/2007 18:27

Really feel for you. We've finally learnt with dc3 (am now 22 weeks) to keep quiet about our chosen name because the unwanted opinions REALLY P*SS ME OFF!!!

Sorry no advice from me but stick to your guns

kerala · 29/12/2007 18:28

Oooh theres an Algernon in dd's music class Algie for short. Cant decide if its really sweet or abit mean of the parents.

boHOHOhemianbint · 29/12/2007 18:29

Crikey - move house!

And never, ever share baby names with family before the ink is dry on the birth certificate. Rude people always have an opinion and it's never worth hearing.

lapiNewYear · 29/12/2007 18:30

I'll probably get told off for this, but I'd be turning on the waterworks, telling your DP that this is upsetting you when you are at your most delicate (!), that it is spoiling the special expectations you have for this baby. Make him see that your opinion and feelings are more important than theirs.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2007 18:31

Just keep repeating "Oh you will have to wait and see "

micegg · 29/12/2007 18:37

Try to ignore and just name the baby what you want. I am pregant with DC2 and learnt after last time not to give too much away re: names. When people ask I say something vague like we havent decided. I learnt from last time that people just give their opinion whether asked for or not.

Or you could call him Shirley as Hejate suggested .....

Beleive me this is nothing. Wait till you have him. You should do this, you should do that, you should work or your brain will turn to mush, you shouldn't work otherwise your son will be a delinquent, use a nursery, dont use a nursery, breastfeed, dont breastfeed, feed your kids sweets, dont feed them sweets, blah, blah, blah.

Chardonnay1966 · 29/12/2007 18:49

Too right, u should keep the name to yourself where poss. I made the mistake of revealing what we intended to call our ds2 and we never heard the end of it from my sis. She reckoned it was too like her dd's. Well, it started with the same letter i admit but that's it. She kept saying I was pronouncing it wrong too. Really wound me up. But we just ignored her and stuck with it! She still pronounces name wrong even though ds2 is nine months old now and I have shown her countless books and websites giving the correct pronunciation. Bah, I'm getting wound up about it still now!!

LOVEMYMUM · 29/12/2007 18:57

Well done on picking out a name that you and DH agree on - it took DH and myself a good few weeks.

We have told our families the name we like and when people say that they are not in favour and mention other names, i say, "Hmm, that's an idea". BUT DH and i decide and no-one else.

The inlaws may discuss names with colleagues but trying to talk DH out of the name is totally not acceptable . Where will this level of interference stop? I am concerned cos you and DH are arguing over this. PG ladies should not be upset unnecessarily.

Your in-laws will have an opinion on everything (they sound like mine!), but we have freedom of speech. What they are not allowed to do is to butt in like this. DH needs to talk to them. If you do, you may be the "bad daughter-in-law". If DH refuses, tell him how upset you are and that you don't want this pattern to continue. I would say, "Do you want your family to control how we live our lives?". I would also refuse to see them until he speaks to them. They need to be more concerned about upsetting you than vice-versa.

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 19:00

At least it's not just me this has happened to!! First thing tomorrow I'm buying the name in wooden letters... none refundable if poss!!!! Think my DPs getting that I'm really upset about it. I'm going to do the crying fit shortly tho a la Lapi!! Good plan!!I won't make the same mistake twice- next time we have a baby I'm not telling them until it's registered that name.

I am actually going to tell them tomorrow that the baby's called Shirley now and I'll hear no more about it hehe.

MiceG- that's exactly what I'm worried about and exactly what I think will happen. Especially as everyone has been telling DP it'll be such a nightmare if I breastfeed because weenings hard enough as it is I'm definately bf-ing!! grrr.. this is exactly how in laws get the reputation!!!

Any more suggestions on how not to throttle them next time they ring with another name are very welcome as I feel the only option is to change my number, or tie myself down so as not to harm anyone next time the phone rings haha

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Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 19:05

Lovemymum- I cross posted with you then,that's definately good advice, I'll tell them he needs to have a word as he can't possibly want me to get more hormonal than I am now,and it could happen!!!!

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LOVEMYMUM · 29/12/2007 19:15

Have the in-laws put pressure on him to change the name?

I think you may have to learn to take a step back and not let family or anyone else wind you up. It's a skill it took me a long time to learn (about 30 years!!).

If DH sees you crying, it might shock him into action or to change his way of behaving. Also tell him that the stress hormones you produce DO affect the baby. (Google for evidence if necessary). It's not about mollycoddling you - it's about putting you first and also, you have to learn (unfortunately) how to ignore people. Again, just say, "Hmm, interesting", and then after LO is born, only listen to medical people (eg. midwife) and those with up-to-date knowledge, eg, those who have had children in the past few years.

Again, if in-laws continue to distress you, try not to have contact with them. They need to learn to butt out.

I wouldn't buy anything with a name just in case the sonographer got the sex wrong.

Sorry to be bossy.

oopsitisanimmaculatconception · 29/12/2007 19:22

juzt agree with them.

And then regizter the name you like when baby iz born.cite preg hormonez a=or forget you agreed with them in the firzt place.
And now breathe out! and go and out your feet up.

Twiglett · 29/12/2007 19:25

oops have you become one of the children of the night? do you have a black cape now and large fangs

what's with the z instead of s?

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 19:37

lovemymum- Yep they're fairly adament he should change the name to one they pick. Ours is obviously not good enough for them. We had a gorgeous girls name lined up too and MIL rang and told us that she'd picked a name for 'her grandaughter' which caused a HUGE mega row. Now we know it's a boy she's just doing it all over again, along with the whole (very large) family and their friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's like some kind of nightmare or something you see on a soap!!! I've barely seen them for a while coz I'm tired of their opinions on every last thing.

oops- I definately need to get my feet up. I just can't get my head round other people. as if i'd let them name my little tiny boy. it's crazyness.

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