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Original poster

MIL and co trying to pick our son's name. How do I pleasantly tell them to p*** off?

58 replies

Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 18:18

We found out yesterday we're having a boy which we're over the moon about and had picked a name as soon as I become pregnant which we're really settled on and I associate my bump with that name! So my family have said it's nice (Though I doubt they like it especially but it doesn't really matter and I'm happy they've said it's nice). However, DPs family have tried to take over with the name which REALLY riles me every time. I've made it very clear for some time that WE are picking our baby's name and no one else will influence that. It also has sentimental value to us.

However, today i was at work and my DP went to see his family and they have been trying to talk him out of naming our son the name we like. I'm REALLY upset about it and now they've started discussing it with their work colleagues and deciding what an appropriate alternative would be, including swapping the names round the other way and chosing all kinds of different names and stuff. Then they ring us to tell us what we SHOULD call OUR baby. All I wanted them to say was 'that's nice'. I know they're going to put doubts in DPs mind about our name, and besides all that, I'm fed up to the back teeth of everyone of them having an opinion on every last thing.

Now me and DP are starting to snap at each other over it because I'm getting to irritated with them. I love my DP to bits and don't want to upset him, or them for that matter, but how do I find a way around it? At the moment I want to scream and shout at them all for ruining it when we've just found out what we're having. How can I make them but out?

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LOVEMYMUM · 29/12/2007 19:51

Hi.

Right, MIL sounds very bossy and this is not acceptable behaviour. Anxiety and stress is transmitted to your LO.

Her behaviour will not change unless she is made aware of it. Have you spoken to your DP yet? I'm getting concerned about who the mother of your child is - you or MIL!

(This is a subject i feel strongly about, having dated a mummy's boy who wouldn't stand up to her - i didn't marry him!! I don't mean to imply that your DP is one.)

HappyTwoFRAUsandAndEight · 29/12/2007 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 29/12/2007 20:31

I heard DP on phone before and he said laughed and said 'oh yeah, but, no, I want..' and said our name!!! i was so pleased!!

MIL lost babies last year and I've a feeling she thinks my baby is hers because she said 'in 2 days I find out what I'm having' (it was me finding out what I was having) and she always says things like 'I've picked a name for my grandchild' and my grandchild this my grandchild thst. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the interest in the little guy, but he is my baby. DP always defends me and takes my side which I really like, but she shouldn't put him in that position by doing things like trying to name our child!!

Happy- lol at Illtyd

OP posts:
CharlieAndLolasMummy · 29/12/2007 20:38

my mum does this.

so we tell her that, boy or girl, the baby WILL be called Agnes.

Am not sure if she believes us or not.

ProjectIcarus · 29/12/2007 20:46

Put your foot down pronto. The interference will only get worse. And develop a thicker skin asap.You are the Mother. Say it to yourself in front of the mirror.

No one else can do what youa re doing. You are growing the baby and you will give birth to it and breastfeed it.

She can't name your child it is not possible.

Just laugh and say "oh anyone would think this baby was yours, how silly."

LOVEMYMUM · 30/12/2007 18:21

How are you feeling today?

I didn't know MIL had lost babies recently. Her behaviour may be due to the bereavements.

So pleased DH is backing you up. Hopefully she will get the message.

LOVEMYMUM · 30/12/2007 18:21

How are you feeling today?

I didn't know MIL had lost babies recently. Her behaviour may be due to the bereavements.

So pleased DH is backing you up. Hopefully she will get the message.

ChaCha · 30/12/2007 18:32

Haven't time to read all posts but we made the mistake of discussing names with MIL before baby was born and then we chose one that we hadn't actually discussed with her when he met the little one. Inlaws made DH so miserable over our choice that DH didn't come to visit us one day, i think it was day 2 and then they thought it was okay to tell the m/w that they were travelling back to where they came from and to wake me up so they could see goodbye to baby...I seethe at some of the nonsense i've put up with.
MIL words 'how could you choose such a name, that was one of the names of X who killed lots of innocent people at such and such a time...how will i explain that in our town...well, i'm not happy...blah blah blah' WTF? We didn't even know that!

I put my foot down now, and am very glad i have. She is not getting a look in with this next one Be strong.

hunkermunker · 30/12/2007 18:38

Agree with PI.

Also, you could try saying to her that you're really flattered that she's so fond of the baby already, but that decisions about names and feeding and other things are for parents, not grandparents. Tell her that you appreciate that she has experience, but if you need help, you'll ask her.

Why does DP see them every day while you're at work? Do you work odd hours or does he not work?

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 31/12/2007 12:46

Lovemymum- I feel better today thank you, he's made it really clear that we're sticking with the name and I think either they've given up or he's stopped telling me about it, either way, they've lost. I think it could be because of the bereavement thing but also because she's fussy and must be in on every last thing if you know what I mean. I think it will spread to so much more than the name so I need to have a real think about how to spend my time when i've had the baby so that I'm not there too much. Also, she's wanting to have the baby over for nights all the time but I want the baby in a routine and she really messed up our godson's routine (his mum died just after she had him so the responsibilities are shared between the whole family). Some things I'll have to compromise on but I'm sure she'll start working on me about the name next time I go round- as will the rest of the family, so I'm going to stand strong.

ChaCha- It's an easy mistake to make, who would think MILs think they have control over babies? I think it's because they think because they've always controlled their kids they can control what they will call their babies. I certainly wont be doing this when my son has children!! I'll be keeping schtum on the next baby too.

hunkermunker- I think I am actually going to have to be that obvious about the whole thing in the end, and just tell them, it's his uncles and aunties and family friends too. Grr. DPs had a nasty break in his foot and keeps having to have operations on it every few months so he's stuck off work which is driving him mad because he's never been out of a job before, so he ends up seeing them more.

PI- I'm actually going to use that line! Thanks!

OP posts:
orangehead · 31/12/2007 12:53

Stick to your guns none of they business. Or tell you have had a nothing scan and the original one was wrong its actually a girl, and then quietly laugh among yourselves as they busily try and find a girls name, it will keep them busy for a while

dooley1 · 31/12/2007 12:56

don't forget with baby no.2 to tell no one what the name is going to be

orangehead · 31/12/2007 13:01

Probably better with baby no 2, to not tell anyone the sex

bluedomino · 01/01/2008 22:39

When she start on at you about the name say mmm maybe we'll use that for the next one but we've decided on this name for this one. and then not tell her about the sex of the next one.

...and when shes talking at you, imagine you have you fingers in your ears and you're singing BLAH BLAH BLAH (i use that on my boss)

josey · 01/01/2008 23:16

Oh god poor you sounds like my MIL she thinks I have had my kids and am preg just to please her (her Berns as she puts it) and today she said I have my bern to look forward to this year grrrr!
Im afraid I would just tell her what the F has it got to do with you, but you could ask her did her MIL choose your DPs name see what reaction you get or tell your DP if he doesn't get them to back off you will choose a new name by yourself and he will have no say, that might spring him into action. Or you could just tell her her choices are awful you couldnt possibly consider hindering your child with a name like that. Use your hormones and get tough before the baby is born if not she will only get worse.
She may take the huff but it will pass, I wish you lots of luck its a horrible possition to be in.

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 02/01/2008 13:30

Thanks Josey, you're definately right!

I ended up going to DPs family party last night and they didn't bring the name up once. Altho they did say that we can have all DPs godson's baby clothes rather than new ones, and made loadsa nasty jokes about it ending up being a curly haired ginger boy like annie. Coz I have ginger hair. And they think it's gross. Whatever. I laughed it off but if it is a curly ginger boy they're guna be like ooops.

MIL just kept asking to feel my tummy all the time, and telling me to shout her if he started kicking, which he didn't. But that's fine and inoffensive. It's just when I'm not there they try to work on DP lol. it does all seem to be blowing over now tho so i'm much happier.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

OP posts:
josey · 02/01/2008 14:28

Oh poor you, I would have snarled at My MIL for comments like that and said something like it could be worse he could end up like you! though I really cant stand my MIL.

I hope he is a stunning little red head, think of lovely Bradley from Eastenders.

The next time you know he is fast asleep tell her that he is kicking you like mad, then say thats funny he's suddenly stopped.

Sorry I have lots of MIL revenge plots

Scampynoodle · 02/01/2008 15:16

Incidentally, it's important that you make a stand on this now otherwise God knows where this sort of family behaviour could lead to. If they see fit to debate the likes of names they'll have no compunction about debating whether you should breast or bottle feed/ where the baby should sleep/ how you should wipe your own arse...

Let them know at the earliest opportunity that you and your DP are in charge and that babies are not raised by committee. When this has happened to me (and, by God, it doesn't now that I have laid down the law)I've turned the tables, saying that what I need at this delicate time is support, not opinions and arguments. I've also hinted that with support I'll be happy to have them around but if they are unable to be supportive then it's only going to create distance and bad feeling which is the last thing any of us wants at what should be such a happy time. It's firm but it's fair.

Sx

Bessie123 · 02/01/2008 15:54

My mum does this name thing. I told her that she had her chance to choose names with her own children and it's mine and dp's turn now. It seems to be working (slowly)

ChinaSurprise · 03/01/2008 12:55

Gosh, poor you.
Sounds like you've got it under control now, but the advice I got from SIL to Tell No One seemed a bit over the top - until I read this.
Glad to hear DP is on your side.
Anyway, they won't be there when you register so WTF can they really do?!
Well done for staying strong!

Original poster
Mumblesmummy · 04/01/2008 12:08

Thanks everyone.

DP seems to be fed up of it too now to be honest. We've done baby's room cream and blue with lovely baby pics up like cartoon characters(some of which DP has drawn because he's amazing at it)and baby has his own cot(well he will have soon- MIL is buying it and has said i can't have it until I'm 38 weeks as 'anything could happen'. Great.) and a single bed which is already set up. We're really proud of the room, but MIL has said we're miserable because we've not done garish disney colourful wallpaper because 'the baby would love that'. I like baby boys to be in pale blues and creams at first, and if they like disney as they get older then that's fine. I heard him just say 'no' on the phone so he's getting a little more blunt about silly opinions!!!

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collision · 04/01/2008 12:18

Goodness Mumbles! I think you should keep your news closer to your chest when it comes to your DPs family! They sound awful!

Mind you, my dad does this. I have 4 nephews and a niece and my father has been very vocal in saying how much he HATES the name Henry ! (Henry is 5 btw so get over it Dad!)

All my SILs are pregnant and so we discussed baby names. A couple of them like the name Evie for a girl but Dad said they couldnt have that as it reminded him of the word heave!!!

Pathetic.

If you dont want peoples opinions on names you should keep quiet really. I learnt it the hard way after ds1 and kept quiet with ds2.

Once he is here and he is named Horace they will love him whatever. Maybe you could give him one of your DPs family names as a middle name. We have done this with both our boys and both families are made up about it.

WinnieThePooh · 04/01/2008 12:24

Just tell them to butt out.

Naming your son has nothing to do with them.

Flllightattendant · 04/01/2008 12:32

Oops's keyboard is broken, Twigg

I feel for you Mumblesmummy, you sound really nice and they sound very possessive of dh and the baby. Well done for standing up to them.

Fwiw everyone knew my chosen name well before baby was born, because I only had one idea really, and it was universally acceptable. However once he arrived, he didn't look like the name, and I changed it, and NO one liked it but it was too late by then

Blu · 04/01/2008 12:34

I honestly, truly bellieve that the very first advice given to expectant parents , right up there along with the folic acid and FAR more important than 'don't eat brie' should be 'On no account tell anyone the sex of the child, or discus names with anyone else prior to the birth!'