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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend broke up with me because I’m pregnant

81 replies

Beeabbie97 · 24/01/2022 09:34

Hello,

I just need some advice, I’m feeling so down! I found out last week I was pregnant (unplanned). I decided I want to keep this baby, however my partner was so against it and wanted me to have an abortion, as well as telling me I was selfish for choosing to keep this baby as it went against what he wanted. He also told me he will hate me forever for my choice. He packed up all his stuff and moved out the same night.

He has decided he want’s to be involved in the child’s life but he feels forced and like he had no choice. It’s just so upsetting as this is my first pregnancy, I’m in my early 20’s and I now just feel so alone.

OP posts:
MsFannySqueers · 24/01/2022 11:39

I brought my DS up on my own after leaving an abusive relationship when he was two. I was older than you. I also had supportive family and friends. I was also lucky enough to get a decent career eventually. I never regretted my decision. But you will ultimately be solely responsible for bringing up your child and all that entails. I remember sitting alone with a sick child who was vomiting into a bucket as the chimes struck on TV for New Year. I have never felt so alone in my life. In your position (presumably early pregnancy) and at your age you really should think carefully about all the options available to you.

Jaxhog · 24/01/2022 11:41

@HeddaGarbled

he feels forced and like he had no choice

That is the truth, actually.

He’s not reacted brilliantly, but he does have a point.

Give him time to get over the shock, but plan to be a single mum.

If he didn't want to be a father, HE could have taken precautions not to be.
lavender2022 · 24/01/2022 11:44

He ejaculated inside op, he was not FORCED into anything

Right.

Outlyingtrout · 24/01/2022 11:47

So depressing to see the usual misogynistic responses. Such a shame that this "poor men having no choice" narrative perseveres in 2022 even on a forum predominantly made up of women and mothers.

When a man chooses to have sex with a woman, he chooses to accept the risk of unwanted pregnancy. This risk is always present to varying degrees. If he chooses not to use a condom - the only method of contraception other than vasectomy that is within his control - then he knowingly increases the risk of unwanted pregnancy dramatically. However, no contraception is 100% effective and even when a man uses condoms, he always chooses to accept a small risk of unwanted pregnancy every single time he chooses to have sex with a woman. If the possibility of an unwanted baby is completely unacceptable to a man then his only option to absolutely prevent any risk of this is to remain celebate. Ultimately he must make a choice based on weighing the risk of unwanted pregnancy against his desire for a sex life. There are really an awful lot of choices along the way for men when it comes to reproduction. It isn't for women to relinquish their choices in order to allow men to be absolved of all natural risk.

Biology being what it is, of course it is not possible for a man to make choices regarding a pregnancy that has already occurred. This choice must be completely in the hands of the woman who bears all of the (substantial and possibly life-changing) physical risks associated with pregnancy, childbirth, abortion, and overwhelmingly in reality is the parent who is most affected by the burden of having children. It is all to easy for a father to walk away and refuse to be involved and they do so far, far more frequently than mothers.

Men have plenty of choices.

PearPickingPorky · 24/01/2022 11:52

@Outlyingtrout

So depressing to see the usual misogynistic responses. Such a shame that this "poor men having no choice" narrative perseveres in 2022 even on a forum predominantly made up of women and mothers.

When a man chooses to have sex with a woman, he chooses to accept the risk of unwanted pregnancy. This risk is always present to varying degrees. If he chooses not to use a condom - the only method of contraception other than vasectomy that is within his control - then he knowingly increases the risk of unwanted pregnancy dramatically. However, no contraception is 100% effective and even when a man uses condoms, he always chooses to accept a small risk of unwanted pregnancy every single time he chooses to have sex with a woman. If the possibility of an unwanted baby is completely unacceptable to a man then his only option to absolutely prevent any risk of this is to remain celebate. Ultimately he must make a choice based on weighing the risk of unwanted pregnancy against his desire for a sex life. There are really an awful lot of choices along the way for men when it comes to reproduction. It isn't for women to relinquish their choices in order to allow men to be absolved of all natural risk.

Biology being what it is, of course it is not possible for a man to make choices regarding a pregnancy that has already occurred. This choice must be completely in the hands of the woman who bears all of the (substantial and possibly life-changing) physical risks associated with pregnancy, childbirth, abortion, and overwhelmingly in reality is the parent who is most affected by the burden of having children. It is all to easy for a father to walk away and refuse to be involved and they do so far, far more frequently than mothers.

Men have plenty of choices.

THIS.
Viviennemary · 24/01/2022 11:57

How long were you together before this unplanned pregnancy? His reaction was not of a responsible kind level headed person.

HeddaGarbled · 24/01/2022 12:05

usual misogynistic responses

That’s a lazy and trite personal attack which offends me as a lifelong feminist. It is not misogynistic to be able to empathise with A MAN (the horror!!!!!!) as well as a woman.

Argue the facts and opinions - don’t throw around deeply offensive insults because you don’t agree with me. I am so upset and offended to be called misogynistic. I feel like you’re trying to cancel me because I have a different opinion to you.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 24/01/2022 12:16

At least he showed his true colours!
The choice is entirely yours, keep in mind though that if you have the baby you should expect the worse case scenario: no support from him but interference if he decided he has rights as a dad, ie he could try to prevent you from travelling, he could contact the DC when they are older and tell them you prevented him from seeing them etc.

Original poster
Beeabbie97 · 24/01/2022 12:20

I understand he is shocked, and scared of having a child at a young age, but as you have all said, it takes two to make a baby! It’s the risk of having sex.

We were together only 7 months, so a short time. But there was never any issues in the relationship.

I know keeping this baby is the right thing for me. I have the support from everyone else, I have the finances to do this aswell. And even though he say he will be involved, I’m not giving my hopes up on it! I was raised by a single mother and haf the best childhood

OP posts:
legendyna · 24/01/2022 12:24

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, if you want to have the baby, you do it. His life isn't ruined, all he is obliged to do is pay child maintenance. You aren't forcing anything on anyone and you don't have to justify it to him.

draramallama · 24/01/2022 12:34

We were together only 7 months, so a short time. But there was never any issues in the relationship.

Well, there shouldn't be issues at 18 in a brief relationship, should there? But that does not mean he should be happy for it to turn into a serious lifelong commitment!

I doubt many 18 year olds would be expecting such a relationship to result in parenthood and decades together. It's just fun at that age.

It's disingenuous to suggest he should have been anticipating it turning into a lifelong serious commitment.

girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 12:35

@legendyna where did you get 18 from? OP's in her 20s

girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 12:36

Sorry meant to tag @draramallama

PearPickingPorky · 24/01/2022 12:36

@draramallama

We were together only 7 months, so a short time. But there was never any issues in the relationship.

Well, there shouldn't be issues at 18 in a brief relationship, should there? But that does not mean he should be happy for it to turn into a serious lifelong commitment!

I doubt many 18 year olds would be expecting such a relationship to result in parenthood and decades together. It's just fun at that age.

It's disingenuous to suggest he should have been anticipating it turning into a lifelong serious commitment.

Nobody said he was 18. Confused
legendyna · 24/01/2022 12:38

[quote girlmom21]@legendyna where did you get 18 from? OP's in her 20s [/quote]
I never typed a number, you tagged the wrong person?

PearPickingPorky · 24/01/2022 12:42

@HeddaGarbled

usual misogynistic responses

That’s a lazy and trite personal attack which offends me as a lifelong feminist. It is not misogynistic to be able to empathise with A MAN (the horror!!!!!!) as well as a woman.

Argue the facts and opinions - don’t throw around deeply offensive insults because you don’t agree with me. I am so upset and offended to be called misogynistic. I feel like you’re trying to cancel me because I have a different opinion to you.

You're being called misogynistic because of you implication that OP has tricked him into becoming a father, when actually he voluntarily put his sperm into the place where an egg might be and caused the OP to get pregnant.

He might well be "shocked" but he has no reason to be - he put his sperm there and knows sex can cause pregnancy. OP is the one whose health and life will now always be compromised because of this unplanned pregnancy, and the fact that you put more weight in how this careless, selfish man feels than OP is what suggests that you are no feminist at all.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/01/2022 12:45

@HeddaGarbled

he feels forced and like he had no choice

That is the truth, actually.

He’s not reacted brilliantly, but he does have a point.

Give him time to get over the shock, but plan to be a single mum.

He had a choice to wear a condom I expect..
QuirkyTurtle · 24/01/2022 12:46

It is a shock and I understand the boyfriend doesn't want this child, and I'm actually on board with the idea of men having the option of legally pulling out of being a dad (to a certain extent!) but this man's reaction was awful, way over the top, insensitive and selfish.

My SO has a child from a one night stand after the woman told him she was infertile. This happened before me obviously. When she called him with the news, he still accepted his responsibility and reacted calmly and supportively even though he most definitely did not want this child.

Trying to guilt trip or force someone into abortion isn't nearly the same as 'forcing' someone to be a dad when they consciously made the decision to have sex.

Avarua · 24/01/2022 12:48

I bet your mum, who raised you as a single mum, would be a useful person to talk to about this.

Nice post, @hullaballoo19 Flowers. It sounds like you did a great job with your DD.

Original poster
Beeabbie97 · 24/01/2022 12:52

I’m not 18, We’re both 23

OP posts:
mumda · 24/01/2022 12:56

Having a child is a huge decision.

Having a child with someone who doesn't feel 100% the same way is a tough decision.

But having a child is forever. It'll link you to this person forever.

girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 13:27

@legendyna and I apologised immediately

Pyewhacket · 24/01/2022 13:47

Everybody condemning a 23 year old guy for having a sex life but Jesus H. Can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle of bringing a child up that you never wanted in the first place ?. That would be a serious mental endurance test.

Personally I think having kids , like getting married, is a conscious decision made by two willing individuals , knowing they are 100% doing the right thing. Anything else is a struggle, one way or another. IMHO.

legendyna · 24/01/2022 13:50

[quote girlmom21]@legendyna and I apologised immediately [/quote]
No problem @girlmom21 I posted too early!

legendyna · 24/01/2022 13:52

@Pyewhacket

Everybody condemning a 23 year old guy for having a sex life but Jesus H. Can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle of bringing a child up that you never wanted in the first place ?. That would be a serious mental endurance test.

Personally I think having kids , like getting married, is a conscious decision made by two willing individuals , knowing they are 100% doing the right thing. Anything else is a struggle, one way or another. IMHO.

He's not, he only has to pay child support. There's no requirement to never even meet the baby at all, really, if he feels that strongly.

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