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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend broke up with me because I’m pregnant

81 replies

Beeabbie97 · 24/01/2022 09:34

Hello,

I just need some advice, I’m feeling so down! I found out last week I was pregnant (unplanned). I decided I want to keep this baby, however my partner was so against it and wanted me to have an abortion, as well as telling me I was selfish for choosing to keep this baby as it went against what he wanted. He also told me he will hate me forever for my choice. He packed up all his stuff and moved out the same night.

He has decided he want’s to be involved in the child’s life but he feels forced and like he had no choice. It’s just so upsetting as this is my first pregnancy, I’m in my early 20’s and I now just feel so alone.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 24/01/2022 09:55

@Cakecakecheese

Right so you're forcing him into something he doesn't want but him trying to force you into an abortion you don't want is fine.

As others have said do get some support and talk through your options with someone.

Trying to persuade someone to have an abortion is not comparable at all
Iwonder08 · 24/01/2022 09:55

I don't understand the urge of becoming a single mother with an absent father in early twenties. Are you quite sure? Irrespective of how irresponsible he behaved it is quite clear what is your situation now. Is it really the best way to go for you?

Original poster
Beeabbie97 · 24/01/2022 10:04

Wow! Thank you for all your comments, I didn’t expect to get so many!

I have a very supportive family, and friends. I know how hard it will be to raise a child alone at such a young age, but I want to keep this baby, I think I would regret it everyday otherwise.

It’s still difficult nonetheless, as there were no issues in the relationship up until then. So it’s all quite a big shock. And having to deal with a break up, whilst dealing with the pregnancy is hard

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 24/01/2022 10:24

@Babdoc

OP, are you sure you want this thoroughly nasty shit’s baby? You would be stuck co-parenting with him for the next 18 years, even if not in the same house. Early twenties is v young to get tied down like this. I would recommend discussing your options with a counsellor rather than just committing to life as a single parent without at least considering a termination.
Absolutely this. I was married with 2 small( 3 and 2) children when my husband left. I had a professional career I could return to and was 32. My exhusband generally paid what he should, but was unemployed for a year, so I was left to support us on my own. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a parent is often relentless. Being a single parent is that X 1000. It isn't hearts and flowers. It isn't anything like the adverts. At 3 in the morning and on Sunday afternoons it is the loneliest place on earth. Think very, very carefully. How will you afford the basics, never mind the stuff you might like to buy? Will you have support from family from the start? Childcare costs a lot. Do you have a job that will cover your costs? Will you have help in the first few weeks when you recover from the birth? Do you have a job where you will get maternity leave ? Have you worked there long enough to get any pay through your maternity leave? These are all boring things to consider but they are absolutely crucial if you are to survive. If you want to go ahead it is your body and your choice, but you will be tied to the father for the rest of your child's life. Do no take it on lightly, it is the hardest thing you will ever do.
Chloemol · 24/01/2022 10:26

@HeddaGarbled

he feels forced and like he had no choice

That is the truth, actually.

He’s not reacted brilliantly, but he does have a point.

Give him time to get over the shock, but plan to be a single mum.

Don’t be ridiculous, of course he had a choice he could have used a condom ( unless it broke in sone way) but I bet he didn’t

It’s a known fact that no contraceptive is 109% safe

Op either way this relationship is over, if you do as he wants, you will resent it, if something happens and you miscarry you will always know about his behaviour, if you go ahead with it he will ‘feel forced’

Do what you want to do, take no notice of him.

Hoppinggreen · 24/01/2022 10:30

@Beeabbie97

Wow! Thank you for all your comments, I didn’t expect to get so many!

I have a very supportive family, and friends. I know how hard it will be to raise a child alone at such a young age, but I want to keep this baby, I think I would regret it everyday otherwise.

It’s still difficult nonetheless, as there were no issues in the relationship up until then. So it’s all quite a big shock. And having to deal with a break up, whilst dealing with the pregnancy is hard

If that’s what you decide the good luck and I hope it works out for you but I have to say that you really DONT know how hard it will be to raise a child alone unless you have done it. It’s hard enough with a supportive partner Of course many many women do it and make a bloody good job of it but please don’t think you know how hard it will be to do it alone. Plus you face the EX occasionally popping up and potentially being a pain in the arse. That’s my worry here to be honest that you are making a decision without truly realising how things will be
HeddaGarbled · 24/01/2022 10:37

she didn’t force him to have sex with her. I’m fed up with misogynist responses like yours on mumsnet

It’s not misogynist to try to understand and empathise with both points of view. All this leaping to call him a shit etc, is knee-jerk and unhelpful.

The man’s had a shock which is going to change his entire life. He’s reacted badly, as many of us would, male or female. I presume he is also very young, like the OP. Which of us can honestly look back on our early 20’s and not wish we had done some things differently?

Flickflak · 24/01/2022 10:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 24/01/2022 10:57

I had a pregnancy scare as a late teen and my bf immediately said he would support me and love me whatever I chose and that he realised it was entirely up to me but also that he would do all he could to make it easier if I chose to have the baby. Thankfully it was a false alarm, but it’s if a teenage boy can grasp this then I think a grown man in his twenties should be able to behave like a decent human.

Georgeskitchen · 24/01/2022 11:01

@HeddaGarbled

he feels forced and like he had no choice

That is the truth, actually.

He’s not reacted brilliantly, but he does have a point.

Give him time to get over the shock, but plan to be a single mum.

He DID have a choice. He had sex. Sex makes babies. He's equally responsible for preventing it if he doesn't want parenthood!!
girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 11:09

He DID have a choice. He had sex.

The point @HeddaGarbled is making us that, yes, he had sex and this is a natural consequence but women get additional choices that men don't get.

He's angry and scared and frustrated. No that doesn't mean he gets to bully OP into aborting and no he doesn't get to be an arsehole but he's in a shit ton of shock.

He's already gone from wanting nothing to do with the situation to wanting nothing to do with the OP but being willing to co-parent.

This can never be a healthy relationship now but they can co-parent once he's calmed down and apologised.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 24/01/2022 11:11

I understand his shock but the OP isnt forcing him into anything. Engaging in sex carries a risk of pregnancy so therefore he has to accept some accountability here. He does not get to behave as though the OP has backed him into a corner when presumably he was more than happy to sleep with her knowing the possible outcomes of sex, of which, a baby is one.

Hopefully this is his immaturity speaking, OP. However, IF your mind is made up then make plans to continue as a single mum, with your family's support. Don't worry about second guessing what he will provide in terms of support, will he come round, will you get back together, will he keep his word about being in the child's life. If I were in your shoes, for now I would assume he will not and plan accordingly. Don't entertain any more conversations about his feelings of being hard done to, and how selfish you are. He has made his point. Let him know any further conversations need to be civil and constructive, you've made your decision and are not interested in squabbling.

Promleafyus · 24/01/2022 11:11

At least you know where you stand i suppose.

hullaballoo19 · 24/01/2022 11:13

Hey op, I'm very sorry for the pain and fear you're having to go through. I myself was in a similar situation when I got pregnant with my dd (10). Slightly different in that her father and I had split up just before I found out I was pregnant (conceived dd the last time we ever slept together!) but he also initially was furious with me for 'forcing' him to have a baby and wanted me to have an abortion. We spoke twice during my entire pregnancy and he didn't even meet dd until she was 4 months old. It was very hard at times but I tried my best to focus on what this new experience meant for me and honestly having my dd was the best thing that's ever happened to me ❤️ in so many ways I was actually incredibly grateful that I was a single parent, in the end I loved a lot about doing it alone and have such a special relationship with her. Her father has grown up a lot (he was 19 when I got pregnant, I was 21) and they have a good relationship, regular contact, and he and I get on well the majority of the time. My advice is to keep things civil with him as much as you can, do what's best for you and baby, and try to focus on your life and preparing for becoming a mum (and let yourself be happy and excited!). Other things will eventually fall into place, and you will handle any of the difficulties as they come. I really wish you the best, the pain will go away and you'll grow into a wiser person and a wonderful mum I'm sure x

lavender2022 · 24/01/2022 11:15

He had a choice to use a condom even if you were taking contraception yourself. So no, YANBU and he needs to grow up. You've dodged a bullet.

KosherDill · 24/01/2022 11:20

@Babdoc

OP, are you sure you want this thoroughly nasty shit’s baby? You would be stuck co-parenting with him for the next 18 years, even if not in the same house. Early twenties is v young to get tied down like this. I would recommend discussing your options with a counsellor rather than just committing to life as a single parent without at least considering a termination.
Agree with this. You are setting the course of the rest of your life here.
Onthefloor2 · 24/01/2022 11:28

Raising a baby is not that hard, lots of women out there that are loving, caring and full of promise with an unplanned pregnancy.

The cold hard reality of it is financially providing for a baby!! It is a completely different matter!! Consider all your options and the financial effect this will have on you specifically.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 24/01/2022 11:28

OP think carefully about the short and long term implications of having this baby.
@AngelinaFibres makes some fantastic points re the short term and someone else (sorry I can't find the right posts) made a great point about the longer term.
You will be tied to co-parenting with someone who treated you terribly for the next 18 years minimum. Even if you give the baby your surname and don't name him on the certificate, he can appeal to a court for parental responsibility and he will be awarded them if the child is biologically his (which it is). He will then have equal say in pretty much ever aspect of your child's life, from the big things like choosing schools to the small things like letting them get their ears pierced. He'll be able to take the child out of the country if he wants, he could not return the child at agreed on times. Based on his reaction to this, do you think he'll be a fair co-parent?

There is always the chance that he'll not be bothered about any of the above and basically 'let' you raise the child alone, pay the minimum child support and cut you both out of his life. This will also be painful for your child once they're older and they find all this out. Not that that in itself is reason to not go ahead with the pregnancy, but this child could be in for a world of emotion instability and hurt.

Ultimately the decision is yours 100%. Make the right decision for you but do think things through and possibly get some advice from people more in the know.

Rangoon · 24/01/2022 11:29

I wouldn't want to have a baby with a father like that. I imagine that his planned involvement in this baby's life is going to be on the limited side and will be the fun stuff rather than the daily drudgery. You will be dealing with him for the next 18 years. My own view is that you owe it to do your best to have a baby that is wanted by both parents. Obviously that doesn't always work out. I just wouldn't spend my early twenties looking after a baby largely on my own, juggling childcare and bearing all the responsibility. You don't ever get those years back - you should be having romantic adventures and trips, building your career, saving for a house maybe and having fun rather than pacing the floor at 3 am with a baby that won't stop screaming.

PearPickingPorky · 24/01/2022 11:32

If he chose not to use a condom, and then a pregnancy resulted from sex, then he has nobody to blame but himself.

That aside, if you want to continue the pregnancy, you need to be prepared to do this 100% alone, emotionally, practically, and financially. Can you afford it? What is your work situation?

That said, regardless of whether he is involved in the child's life or not, you must ensure he pays (at least) the legal minimum amount of child maintenance, from the outset. Go through the CMS and do it officially, don't try to come to an amicable agreement which just means that he'll fob you off and make it personal when you're left having to chase him for the money each month. From day 1, have this put in place.

However, don't plan your finances with you dependent upon him paying, because in reality, most fathers (who are not with the mother) don't pay what they should, or pay reliably, or pay at all, and our system in the UK just lets this happen, horrendously. So make sure you can survive without it, and then use the extra if you do get it for nice-to-haves.

Babyvenusplant · 24/01/2022 11:32

@HeddaGarbled

he feels forced and like he had no choice

That is the truth, actually.

He’s not reacted brilliantly, but he does have a point.

Give him time to get over the shock, but plan to be a single mum.

He ejaculated inside op, he was not FORCED into anything
Thirtytimesround · 24/01/2022 11:32

He consented to the possibility of parenthood when he had sex with you. No contraceptive is 100% effective: he needs to take some responsibility here. HE got YOU pregnant, you didn’t do it by yourself. The pregnancy can’t be undone, no one has a time machine. (It could be ended, but you don’t want to do that and also would very likely be haunted by that forever.)

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Babies are tiring, but AWESOME, and the love they give to their mothers is like nothing else.

I know you probably feel too young for this but physically you’re the perfect age and the average woman in every other generation of history, until a couple of decades ago, had babies around your age.

When you feel ready, talk to your parents / work, about what support may be available to you. Look into benefits and childcare and so on. Work out how you are going to survive financially and plan for this.

Your ex-boyfriend has treated you appallingly and made it all about himself and his feelings, I suggest you minimise contact with him for now.

I wish you all the best.

silverbubbles · 24/01/2022 11:38

Think carefully. You feel alone because you are alone and it is very lonely bringing up a child on your own.

At least he is being very clear about his feelings over this. You are better off without him but why choose him as the father of your child? Why would you do that to the child?

Why do you want a baby so much that you don't care if it doesn't have a supportive father in its life?

Blxo94 · 24/01/2022 11:38

Goodbye, see ya later.

I would tell him to make a proper decision. Either be in the child's life or bow out now if he is that against having a child at the moment. I had my son at 17 and his dad didn't want him. He is in my sons life but only because he "has too" and you can tell he grudges being a parent. This is why I advise you to put this to him as I wish my sons father bowed out as its been nothing but stress for 10 years. You will be tied to this person for years to come and your child could end up with a parent that's pretty fucking useless.

This is what happens when you chose to have sex... Protected or not there's always a chance of pregnancy. So I'm not really sure why men (and woman) get so shocked and dickish when a pregnancy happens. Takes 2 to create life. Being a single parent is so bloody hard but you will get through it and will have a best friend for life ❤️

Congratulations and I wish you all the best x

diamondpony80 · 24/01/2022 11:39

He wants to be in his child's life, the child he wanted to abort and feels forced into having with a woman he's going to hate forever? What a POS. I'd love to be able to advise, but honestly you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.