It's a boy....feel overwhelmed

[WeGoAgain123]

Hello!

As the title states, I'm having a boy!

Before anyone thinks I'm unhappy about this I just want to put you straight that there is no gender disappointment here.

In fact I have 2 daughters, aged 11 and 10 and before the 20 weeks scan me and my partner where quietly hoping to have a boy, partially due to the big age gap and also to experiencing the other side.

Now it's not hypothetical anymore I'm feeling very overwhelmed at thr thought of being 40 and not knowing anything about baby boys!

For those that have had girls and then a boy, what did you find to be the most different? I've been warned about nappy time already 😆

My little boy is the sweetest thing in the universe, so cuddly. But so much energy he's always on the go and getting into things and once he makes his mind up that's it!
It's also a personality thing as well but ime boys are sweet, lovely and he listens to his mummy (most of the time, he's learned certain places he can't go).
He was slow to pick up things however, in part due to being on a larger centile mobility wise, once he picked them up he got the hang of things pretty quickly like walking.
He is sick all of the time.. But I think because he's in nursery and sticks his fingers in his mouth (comfort thing) he just gets exposed to a lot of bugs.
The weeing is a pain as he sleeps on his tummy so I have to double nappy at night, if their willy so much as heads upwards rather than down you end up with a leaky Nappy, don't get me started on the surprise wee in the newborn days. Wee in my face, hair and up the walls!

It's just individual babies... I have 3 boys. All completely different. All totally different as newborns and babies. Different interests. Different rates of development. The only thing all 3 have in common is a love of food If I described them without saying their sex, I don't think you'd be able to tell if I was talking about boys or girls. The same goes for friends who have girls - they just are who they are and certainly as young children there aren't huge differences between sexes.

Of course people deny it but we ALL do it. It's unconscious, which is why we don't notice it but we all do it to some extent.

And even if we don't (and I tend to agree with you that it's essentially inevitable) we raise them in a world that is absolutely full of gendered stereotypes. It doesn't have to be you who gives them specific ideas or encourages or discourages certain behaviours, but unless you live as a family of hermits you won't be able to stop them encountering those ideas.

And if we are going to start describing a boy hitting his sister as innate and due to his sex, then wtf do we do about adult males and VAWG? Pay gaps? Accept them as inevitable or carry on dismantling the structures which encourage the oppression? An oppression which apparently leads to us excusing violence as down to sex.

We really need to get better at this.

Good point Writer. I can't tell you the gendered bullshit they bring home from school. And pick up in shops. And hear from great aunt Aggie. It's endemic.

@ShowOfHands

I know a mother of girl/boy twins who are nearing adulthood. She likes to claim she can see innate differences caused by their sex. Most of those differences, she nurtured, created and caused from the day they was born. Even the way she described their (identical) crying was gendered.

Of course people deny it but we ALL do it. It's unconscious, which is why we don't notice it but we all do it to some extent.

Yes, exactly. It's complete nonsense to claim that because they were 'reared in the same environment' that differences must be nature rather than nurture when babies are subjected to gendered stereotypes from before they're born, once people know the sex.

I even noticed it when DS was a small baby, when he sometimes wore floral babygros handed on by a friend with a daughter, when passers by would remark on his prettiness and gentleness, versus admiring his strength and size when he was dressed in more obviously boyish clothes.

People have a remarkable capacity for fitting child behaviour into gendered categories and remaining blind to those that don't 'fit' their preconceptions. The toddler/preschooler group I attended when DS was little was dominated by lively, physical, noisylittle girls (purely, I imagine because they were the oldest there, and the boys were younger, knew each other less well and were still at the 'parallel play' /not engaging with other kids stage), yet you'd get parents remarking on how 'boys will be boys' on the rare occasions two of the boys did something stroppy or got into a fight, blithely ignoring the fact that the girl group spent the entire time escaping from the hall/taking off their clothes and throwing them out the window/getting into fights.

Well three boys then a girl in our family. This is obviously a generalisation as there are quiet boys but going only from my own and friends experiences boys are louder, more energetic, attention seeking (always need to be the loudest in the room). They need a lot of support. As older kids they need a lot more school support too - my daughter was always doing more than she needed to but the boys tried to get away with the bare minimum.
Having said that they are also wonderful, charming, outgoing, never met someone that wasn't a potential best friend, adventurous and can be incredibly focused. Congratulations!

And if we are going to start describing a boy hitting his sister as innate and due to his sex

Yes. That's exactly what's been said have a day off.

And I like how you want to jump on that as if that's the context, just to take a pop at a boy. But gloss over the fact that she's taunted him, snatched his toys and run off with them. Ten times. That's all fine, and she can be as mean as she likes, and we won't even acknowledge that, because if he picks up his toy frog and clonks her with it, she's the only victim.

And yes. Just like the other boy/girl twin mum on here. My boy is more physical in every sense. And he hits, much more. It's my job to teach him that's not the way.

And it's equally important I teach my daughter not to be mean.

Should add as small kids you can read a boys mind but girls far more opaque.

In the theatre before DS was delivered by emcs after a really long labour, the midwife remarked that he was a "typical lazy boy". He wasn't even born. I don't know how to square the typical laziness against the needs 3 runs a day like a dog type comment. It's all nonsense.

Are there innate differences? Quite probably. Are there v important differences, even requiring legislation? Oh my goodness yes. Is the vast majority of the really problematic stereotyping down to the gendered society in which we live? Almost certainly.

@maofteens

Should add as small kids you can read a boys mind but girls far more opaque.

Yeah, little boys are like puppies again.

@ShowOfHands

In the theatre before DS was delivered by emcs after a really long labour, the midwife remarked that he was a "typical lazy boy". He wasn't even born. I don't know how to square the typical laziness against the needs 3 runs a day like a dog type comment. It's all nonsense.

Are there innate differences? Quite probably. Are there v important differences, even requiring legislation? Oh my goodness yes. Is the vast majority of the really problematic stereotyping down to the gendered society in which we live? Almost certainly.

Oh, you've reminded me, my midwife said exactly the same thing, as DS was going very overdue! And yes, he wasn't born either. What an utterly mad (and depressing) comment.

You've missed my point entirely Molly. We're talking about boys and the language we use about them. I commented on the language you used about your boy when describing his innate behaviours and the behaviours you describe as linked to his sex. It's representative of a larger problem in society and yes we do need to comment on it when talking about the ways we describe boys. It's not up to me to comment on how acceptable your children's behaviours may or not be. We're talking about behaviours we ascribe to boys as a biological norm.

Have a day off? Did you mean to sound so dismissive of my genuine concerns about the way we, as a society, describe young boys (and girls)?

@grace1991

Boys seem to be a hell of a lot more stroppy and whingey I think in the first year or so. That's the only difference I've noticed !!!

I've found the opposite to be honest. My boys were always quite placid and easy going, still are now.

All down to personality. Congratulations.

@ShowOfHands

You've missed my point entirely Molly. We're talking about boys and the language we use about them. I commented on the language you used about your boy when describing his innate behaviours and the behaviours you describe as linked to his sex. It's representative of a larger problem in society and yes we do need to comment on it when talking about the ways we describe boys. It's not up to me to comment on how acceptable your children's behaviours may or not be. We're talking about behaviours we ascribe to boys as a biological norm.

Have a day off? Did you mean to sound so dismissive of my genuine concerns about the way we, as a society, describe young boys (and girls)?

But it is the biological norm for him. Like it's the biological norm for my daughter to have a full on wailing flailing tantrum.

I haven't taught him to clonk his sister round the head. I haven't taught her not to hit him... she just naturally doesn't do this.

Does he throw himself to the floor, fitting of an Oscar performance? Nope. Have I taught him not too? Nope. He just doesn't do it, through nothing I've done.

And yes yes, every child is different, but if we're going to pretend that this (and other things mentioned) isn't what the overwhelming majority of people notice between their boy and girl children, then that's just, well, pretending. What's the point of the pretence, just to look like you're making the right noises, when it's not the reality?

Does my 2yr old boy hit his 2yr old sister. Yep. Does she hit? Barely. Does she sit still much more? Yep. Do I think it's a boy/girl thing. Yep. Am I worried? Nope. They're 2.

If I'm still merrily watching my 15yr old boy hit his 15yr old sister, and claiming it can't be helped "because boys" and her throwing diva level tantrums to force her own way "because girls" then that's very different.

You're still wilfully misunderstanding me. You're making generalised points about boys and claiming it's definitely nature and not nurture. You then describe how you know this is true by referring to specific behaviours to highlight difference. I'm really not attacking your parenting btw if that's what it sounds like.

Nobody is denying the differences. Many are trying to explain that these differences cannot just be attributed to nature. None of us parent in a vacuum. People are making all sorts of generalisations on here. Of course that affects who their children are and that then becomes evidence of biological inevitability and the cycle continues.

But you have a sample of two. I have two boys and even though one's still a baby it's obvious they're really different. If they were different sexes maybe I'd think that was why, but they're not, they're just different people.

My eldest was loads more like your girl than like your boy as a two year old, incidently.

Boys in the early years are much less hardy than girls- more likely to be sick, fail to thrive etc, slower to pick up skills

This is the exact opposite of every boy and girl I know.

ps my son is obsessed with dolls and animals and craft activities. Why? Probably because that's what I give him to play with

🙄
that’s the same thing as girls being conditioned to play with dolls and boys to play with cars. He plays with the toys you give him and want him to play with. That doesn’t settle a nature vs nurture debate.

@TheBestWhootersInWhoville

Boys in the early years are much less hardy than girls- more likely to be sick, fail to thrive etc, slower to pick up skills

This is the exact opposite of every boy and girl I know.

I think this poster was referring to research about boys being physically disadvantaged in some ways when thinking about health and particularly, neonatal outcomes.

www.nature.com/articles/pr201150

You're still wilfully misunderstanding me.

I completely understand you. My disagreement isn't because I don't get it.

You're making generalised points about boys and claiming it's definitely nature and not nurture.

Yes, I and other posters are highlighting the general differences we see between our boys and girls. I could give you many other things that make my three children specifically different from each other. The things we are bringing up, are what we all see as the blanket differences, generally between (young) boys and girls, thats sort of the point.

"You then describe how you know this is true by referring to specific behaviours to highlight difference. I'm really not attacking your parenting btw if that's what it sounds like.*

They're not "specific" behaviours to my specific child. That's why they mirror the behaviours of other posters descriptions. I don't feel you're attacking my parenting at all. It's not my parenting that has generated these differences, nor do I see anything wrong with them.

Nobody is denying the differences. Many are trying to explain that these differences cannot just be attributed to nature. None of us parent in a vacuum.

Actually, parented in a vacuum is pretty much exactly what DTwins have experienced. They are almost 2. Born just before lockdown. And because of the last two years, they've experienced almost nothing externally or socially.

But you have a sample of two

Three. And what is your point with this? My sample of two, and the next posters sample of two (saying the same thing), and the next, and the next... are what makes the general population.

@EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad

ps my son is obsessed with dolls and animals and craft activities. Why? Probably because that's what I give him to play with

🙄
that’s the same thing as girls being conditioned to play with dolls and boys to play with cars. He plays with the toys you give him and want him to play with. That doesn’t settle a nature vs nurture debate.

He has other toys too! He also has balls, dinosaurs, typical 'boys' stuff. My point was he will have his own interests and personality so it's important to give them the whole range.

Why the rolled eyes?

@Jobennna

Boys in the early years are much less hardy than girls- more likely to be sick, fail to thrive etc, slower to pick up skills.

It’s interesting- in premature babies the number one best prognostic factor a baby can have is being a girl.

It might be worth knowing that (prematurity hopefully aside) so you’re not comparing unfavourably to his sisters.

Do you have sources for this?

Anyway science has shown how sex differences at birth is absolute rubbish.

So op - stop worrying and enjoy this human who will turn out however he will 🤷‍♀️