So what ACTUALLY happens? Childbirth and beyond

[Ribrabrob]

First baby due in March and I know absolutely nothing about babies! In fact I don’t think I’ve ever even held one (don’t get me wrong, i want and will love my own but have never really been the maternal type).

So I have some questions:

What happens when it’s born - can you sleep In the hospital after? For how long? Who looks after the baby? Does it need feeding straight away? How do you shower if your partners been sent home - who looks after the baby?! How do you even hold a baby?

When you get home - what do you do with the baby if you need the loo? Take it with you? Should you sit in the back seat with the baby? Do you automatically wake when the baby cries, is it really just instinct?

So many questions! As you can tell I’m a bit clueless so please, enlighten me :)

Depends what time it's born. In my experience, you stay on labour ward for a while. Partner will be with you. Can help you shower if facilities are good. Cup of tea etc. Babies do frequent black sticky poos - much changing goes on! After initial feeds, baby often conks out.

On post natal it is tricky. Partners might not be allowed at certain times. It's noisy. Baby has a plastic box thing to sleep in and if you need to, you can wheel it to the nurse's station for them to watch while you have a bath or whatever. I have always wanted to get home ASAP.

In theory, feeding support can be accessed in the ward.

Baby often sleeps for a lot of the first 24h, and then is mostly awake for the next 24-48, getting feeding established.

You can sleep in the hospital after, if your baby lets you. But you probably won't, you'll stay awake staring at the amazing creature you've created, like a loon.

If intending to breastfeed, it's good practice to put baby to the breast straight away- have a Google of 'golden hour'.

If partner is sent home and you want a shower, baby is usually in a wheely cot so just wheel them in with you. Same goes for going to the loo (you could leave them by your bed, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that).

When you hold a baby make sure you support their heads- the head is very heavy relative to the body and you want to make sure they don't hurt their neck. My preference is the cradle then across my body with their head in the nook of my elbow, but you'll find something that works for you and by the end of day one you'll laugh that you even needed to ask.

When you go home,there's no particular need to sit in the back with baby,but I did, because wanted to. Newborns should only be in car seats for a short time too, that's important to know.

I found I slept very lightly and heard every little sniffle from baby,but may not be the case for everyone.

If you want to learn more,to be more prepared your hospital may offer some childbirth or baby care classes, or alternatively you could look at NCT or Daisy classes. I did NCT and still in touch with the group of friends I made nearly five years later

Haha, with you on this, also due in March. I have a niece and nephew but I never asked my sister too much as once they get home I think they don't want to re-live it and just enjoy the baby!

I'd love to watch a TV show which shows everything about the first 24 hours or so for different people. Having said that I'm kind of avoiding 'one born every minute' etc as I don't want to make myself anxious and I'm sure it doesn't go into the boring detail I'd like to know.

Watching this thread!

Hey!
I was similar when I was pregnant with my first but I would highly recommend a parenting book to start looking through - there are so many out there so read some reviews and see what suits you. Not a pregnancy book though, it sounds like what you need is post-birth.

Also speak with your midwife about parenting classes as there are so many available for free. Feeding classes, what to expect etc. In terms of the hospital - everyone is different. My firstborn didn't sleep at all after he was born (this isn't meant to be scary!) so I didn't sleep a lot. I would ask my husband to watch him while I napped/had a shower/had a wee etc (on labour ward) and stayed in for three days.

Second born just pretty much slept loads and I had an en-suite so could shower pop to loo and sleep! Midwives helped with first nappy change/holding when I said I was clueless and they usually feed pretty quickly - both of mine as soon as they were out, they did the little crawly thing up to my boobs, and I assume if you don't want to breastfeed, they would be offered a bottle very soon after birth.

@Ribrabrob

First baby due in March and I know absolutely nothing about babies! In fact I don’t think I’ve ever even held one (don’t get me wrong, i want and will love my own but have never really been the maternal type).

So I have some questions:

What happens when it’s born - can you sleep In the hospital after? For how long? Who looks after the baby? Does it need feeding straight away? How do you shower if your partners been sent home - who looks after the baby?! How do you even hold a baby?

When you get home - what do you do with the baby if you need the loo? Take it with you? Should you sit in the back seat with the baby? Do you automatically wake when the baby cries, is it really just instinct?

So many questions! As you can tell I’m a bit clueless so please, enlighten me :)

I'm not in UK but where I am you would normally stay at least one night. I think in UK you might get booted out fairly quick if all is well.

They'll show you how to hold the baby, but you will get used to it fairly quick.

Feed within the first hour usually.

You should try and shower when your partner is there. I always did shortly after moving to postnatal ward but you night be too wrecked.

You look after baby unless your partner is there.

I sat in the back going home from hospital and maybe for the first few days.

If you need the loo leave the baby somewhere safe like the crib. It's OK if they cry for a few minutes!

You will probably wake when the baby cries. They need to be fed frequently for the first while.

It is mostly instinct.
I asked my mom to stay for the first night home as I was petrified of being on my own and completely clueless, but you get into the swing of it fairly quickly.

Congratulations and good luck!

I was you OP, had held my niece and nephew but couldn’t conceptualise having one. I now have a 4 month old.

• once it’s born they do the weighing etc. then give it to you for skin to skin. Someone will come and help you latch/feed straight away, they encourage you to offer boob as much as possible. After 30 mins or so they transfer you to a bed in the postnatal ward to free up the labour room. You can sleep if you need to- I managed to nap, baby was just in the crib next to me or with my husband. He was allowed to stay with me all day so sat with her while I showered and got me food. We didn’t stay overnight as she was born at 5am so they were happy for us to leave by 9pm that night. Holding a baby if you’re sitting or lying down basically entails resting it on your chest as you lie back, if you’re standing then you cradle it or hold it against your chest. As long as you protect the head you’ll be fine.

I have now mastered using the loo while holding the baby, but in the beginning I had a wide, shallow laundry basket full of towels and baby blankets on the bathroom floor- I would lie her in there while I used the toilet and make sure she could see me. You don’t have to sit in the backseat with baby but you can if you like, we did for the first two weeks or so. I suggest getting a rear facing mirror so she can see you while you drive. You defo wake when the baby cries, or even stirs! I now wear earplugs to block out the small noises but allow me to still hear the cries.

Good luck OP, and feel free to ask any questions at all! My friends weren’t totally honest I found but I will be 😂 the main thing is to be ready for sleep deprivation and hormones to hit you like a ton of bricks! Just ride it out, I promise it gets better.

sleeping in hospital/length of stay - all depends on time of day, type of delivery, whether you needed IV AB during labour and for how long and any complications.
they won't chuck you out but they will not let you linger either, they will discharge you as soon as it is safe to do.

who looks after baby: you do.
or whoever is visiting. partners can't usually stay over night but are allowed to stay beyond visiting hours for other family.
if you've had a C-section you will be immobile for a few hours after birth so the midwives will look after you and baby, they will bring her to you for feeds, will make up feeds, bring you painkillers, will change nappy if you can't do it sitting up on the bed.
when the spinal wears off the catheter is removed and you will be encouraged to get out of bed, move around, use loo as soon as possible. it's unnerving at first but you've got to do it.

first feed: if you are breastfeeding you can try straightaway, as soon as you are ready. for a complication-free vaginal delivery you can ask baby to be delivered on to you tummy for skin to skin connection - this will happen before even cord is cut, if that's what you want.
I had that with DS2, I even cut the cord!!

if you are bottle feeding you can also try & feed straightaway.
if you haven't decided in advance then discuss with midwives what's a good approach.
In any case baby might be sleepy and won't want to feed immediately, that's fine.

Babies don’t know they are a separate unit from their Mum for quite a while. At first they are only really happy with you holding them close so they can smell you and hear your heartbeat. You will panic that they will never learn to be independent and be away from you. Don’t. They absolutely will but not for a while so just enjoy cuddling them and don’t even waste time trying to get a newborn to go to sleep independently. Cuddle/feed to sleep.

If you are breastfeeding, look up cluster feeding so you’re prepared. Baby will want to be on the breast for hours on end at first. This is normal. Put your feet up, get loads of snacks and box sets. My newborns cluster fed from 1-4am for the first weeks and actually I coped better by accepting I was going to be awake at that time, going downstairs and watching box sets rather than trying to sleep. Then I would sleep in the day whenever baby slept. I also got DH to sleep in the spare room as I figured there was no point us both being awake at night. That way during the day he wasn’t knackered and did all the housework and also took the baby out in the pram so I could sleep. He did daytime nappies and baths as well so that was how he bonded (and I got some rest).

You will cry and cry about three days after birth. This is the baby blues and is normal. If it doesn’t pass, talk to your midwife.

Get more maternity pads than you think you need. Big thick ones that are like a cushion in your pants. Twice a day, sit in a shallow warm bath (add a couple of drops of tea tree oil if you want) then dry your fanjo with a hairdryer on low.

Don’t bother buying nursing bras until after your milk comes in, then get measured. Impossible to know what size you’ll be.

To bf in public, wear a stretchy vest under a loose top. Reach up under the tip, unhook bra cup and pull bra and vest under your boob. Get baby in position then lift up your top. The vest covers your belly, the top covers the top of your boob and baby’s grad covers the rest. Practise in a mirror first and you’ll see that people really can’t see anything.

Most of all: do not panic about routines. Babies get there in their own time and no point trying to force it. And ignore anyone who tells you you’re cuddling your baby too much or spoiling them. You can’t spoil a baby. Enjoy the lovely newborn cuddles. They don’t last long and you’ll miss them!

shower: baby has a secure hospital cot. you leave them in there once they fell asleep and you have a shower.
if they wake up and cry, they just have to cry. they will be fine for a few minutes while you sort yourself. do not attempt to run or jump if wet, you could really hurt yourself if still feeling week, that'd be quite shit for everyone.
occasionally, if not crazy busy, a midwife might be able to take baby out of the room for you, they do love a newborn cuddle, even after 30 odd years! so do ask if they are happy to keep an eye on him for you. if they can they will.

holding baby - ask the midwife. they will show you. there's no shame in not knowing, they are used to this question!

Just to say - don't panic if you can't breast feed straight away. DS was taken straight to NICU when he was born, put in an incubator and tube fed for 3 days. With help from the midwives, I was still able to start breastfeeding at that stage, and continued for 6 months so all is not lost.

Baby’s head covers the rest, that should say!

travelling home: learn how to install car seat safely. you can sit wherever you want.
I don't know anyone who drove themselves home after giving birth so maybe don't pick the driver's seat🤣

at home: whatever you need to do pee, shower, brush your teeth just leave baby in her cot.
it's the safest place. again if they cry a bit then frankly tough poopoos.
you can try and wear a baby sling/papoose/kangaroo whatever it's called so you can do some stuff hand free.
I had a bouncy chair I dragged around the house, then I bought another so I'd have one upstairs too, if you can't have baby on you want to keep an eye on them or them to see you.
keep coming back for questions. you'll figure out what's best for you & baby.

waking up if baby cries: if a fire alarm or an ambulance siren in your bedroom would usually you up you'll be fine.
🤣

Some great advise here for you op.

Mother's instinct is a thing, you'll know exactly what your baby wants and when.
Trust yourself.

I remember saying to my mum how will I know when to feed him and stuff and all she said was 'don't worry, you will know' and I did!

Congrats and good luck!

As someone who was completely clueless when I had my first (never held a bay, had had no relations/friends who had had babies etc) I found an ealrier version of [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trusted-Advice-Your-New-Baby/dp/1405356529/ref=sr_1_44?keywords=miriam+stoppard&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1636023276&sr=8-44 this book]] invaluable!

in terms of how to know what baby needs watch Priscilla Dunstan "baby language" on Oprah (YouTube).

watch it before baby is born, watch it after, watch it as many times as you need.
I only discovered her "system" with my 6th (DD) and it was like manna from heaven!
I cried from relief and I cried from realising how much easier our lives had been if I knew what each cry meant with the boys!!

If anyone ever ask what's my best advice with a newborn it'd be check baby for tongue tie and watch Priscilla a dozen times!

I wasn't maternal either, didn't really find other peoples babies cute and hated holding newborns (fear of dropping them, supporting head etc). But when I had my daughter it was completely different so you're right to think that.

This was all pre-covid so can't comment on what it's like now:

She was born by unplanned c-section (I was awake during it). After being checked over she was passed to me and immediately breastfed. I ended up breastfeeding to 18 months and loved it.

My lower half was numb for several hours after her birth. My DH was allowed to stay for a few hours then had to leave. She was in a crib next to me and I was just left to it really. There was no recovery time away from baby and she was with me the entire time after being born. Even though my legs couldn't move for a while I could still reach her for feeds. I could also get help from midwives nearby but didn't really need it. She slept most of the time for the first 24 hours anyway. I got a bit of sleep but was sharing a room with 4 others and there is always a baby awake at some stage so sleep is limited.

I ended up in hospital for a week due to my daughter having an infection. My Mum visited on her lunch every day and husband visited in the evening. So I showered while they were there so they could watch her. One day a midwife encouraged me to have a walk outside since I hadn't had fresh air for days, so she watched baby for 10 minutes.

I hope this helps a bit. It all sounds a bit difficult written down but once you're there you just take it in your stride and it just feels normal.

@jpbee

I never particularly enjoyed holding newborns other then my own. I don't know how to explain this but they didn't fit my body. I wasn't clued in as to how they might move or flail or kick or wobble.
Their muscle movements were entirely unfamiliar which always made me nervous (even after I'd had 7 kids!)

And I'm sorry but most would have an unpleasant smell.
And there's the bring up milk. on your shoulder 🤢🤮
just no.
I'll kiss their tootsies but that's it

Also you have a lot of time so ask around for people to recommend their top baby book from birth onwards.

I recommend The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg

Things to remember everyone has a different birth experience, hospital will look after you both until your both well enough to go home.

You go home with the baby and go - omg we have a baby - now what do we do. Keep one end fed and the other end clean.

Nobody tells the animals how to look after babies it's really not hard!

I remember not knowing how to feed or change a baby’s nappy! It’s amazing how quickly you learn.

Baby’s need feeding very quickly after birth.

Sleep depends on how long you’re there. I stayed in 2 nights (very little sleep though!)

You try sleeping through a crying baby. You will wake up no matter how tired you are. I turned into the lightest sleeper ever and woke to every little noise.

I didn’t sit in the back of the car. It never even crossed my mind.

I left baby in a Moses basket for wees etc at home.

If you're in the UK.. You can try and sleep in the bed but it's so loud and hot and busy, you're in pain and full of adrenaline and wide eyed wonder at this little life that is completely reliant on you. I had no-one in hospital so had to care for a newborn after major surgery with all sorts plugged into me, getting in and out of the bed constantly after being cut open.. had to just leave him in his crib while I went to the toilet/shower etc. Didn't get any hot meals brought to me. Barely saw any staff. You are on your own basically. It was pretty hellish.. but bonus is they chuck you out prettt quickly so you will have your home comforts.
At home, yes you wake up instantly when baby needs you, it is instinct. If you don't then they will get louder and soon wake you I took my babies in their little bouncy chairs to the toilet/shower with me, or left in cot.
But you will take to it all quickly, I had no idea either OP! Had never held a baby, not maternal with kids only animals etc. But I have loved being a mum since I was pregnant.

Had a baby in the Middle East and it was totally different! I had my own room which I could adjust to me (heat, bed etc) No noise heard at all from outside the room. Constant checking in on me. Baby was with me in the day but taken to the baby room at night where nurses fed them so mums could sleep and recover. Nurses treated me with dignity while cleaning me, whereas I felt judged and uncomfortable in the UK. Three hot meals a day and constant drinks. I recovered so much quicker!

I can't recommend NCT or similar classes enough OP. You get a group of ready made mates that are local to you and have babies the same age. It's invaluable having people to message who are also up at 3am dealing with Colic. It made me feel less alone. There was a lot of info on looking after the baby after birth. We practised changing nappies on dolls in ours. I did antenatal classes at the hospital that were really good too, but they focused more on birth options and the medical side of things, as you'd expect.

Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting such a response. Thank you to everybody, some really great tips. Will definitely look into getting a newborn book or two.

Antenatal classes don’t seem to be a thing in my area, strange as it’s big ish city. Maybe there will be something online I can do instead, I’ll have a look.

Thanks again all. Also nice to know I’m not alone and that many had / have similar worries too!

What happens when it’s born - can you sleep In the hospital after? Adrenaline and noise generally prevent sleep in my experience, but you might be lucky. For how long? Until you are discharged - usually 6 hours for a straightforward vaginal birth but possibly 24 hours Who looks after the baby? You do. Exclusively. Unless you are far far to unwell. Does it need feeding straight away? Ideally within 1 hour from birth, but can go a little longer. How do you shower if your partners been sent home - who looks after the baby?! If there's sufficient staff, a HCA may look after baby, if not take it with you- the cots are on wheels. How do you even hold a baby? They'll show you. But usually by supporting the head with either a hand or the crook of your arm.