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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How not to lose a friendship over my pregnancy...

19 replies

AttillaTheHan · 11/12/2007 13:19

My dh's best friend and his wife have been ttc for at least 2 years now. We have known them since before our ds (3 1/2)was born.

We found out that I was pregnant in Aug (they knew we wanted another child) which coincided with them telling us they had been initially refused IVF as their chances of conceiving were so low due to his sperm count. Needless to say we did not mention my pregnancy at this point as we wanted to concentrate on their news and be there to support them.

As time went on we felt guilty at not telling them our news as ordinarily they would have been one of the first to know. Anyway to cut a long story a bit shorter my dh told his best friend.
Since then we have arranged to meet up 4 times, 3 of which they have cancelled altogether and one time dh's best friend came on his own.

I acknowledge that we cannot imagine how they are feeling and we are trying to be as sensitive as possible. However I am worried that the longer we avoid each other the greater the chance that our friendship will end. At the weekend DH sent a text to his mate saying that we have noticed that they haven't kept to any of our arranged meet ups.Are they finding my pregnancy difficult/ if so we do understand. So far we have had no reply.

Please can you offer any advice on what we should do?

OP posts:

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 11/12/2007 13:25

Anyone?

OP posts:

turtleye · 11/12/2007 13:32

I would just give them time and hope that they get their own good news soon. I understand how you feel - my SIL had a few m/c's before having their first and they didnt want to know/see or talk to anyone pregnant as they found it too hard - you could try talking to them but not sure it would work. With time hopefully they will be ok..

mummytheresa · 11/12/2007 13:32

Attilla I think you have done the right thing.
You are acknowledging (eek sp) that it is ok for them to feel this way and that you will still be there when they are ready.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 11/12/2007 13:54

Thanks - I just worry about losing their friendship altogether, more-so for my dh than me really, I can cope being in the background if at least he can salvage some friendship with his mate. Do you think we should leave it now till after christmas?

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 11/12/2007 13:55

Send them a card and put a little note in saying you hope they are well as you have missed them and then leave it for a while. It isn't personal.

HayleyandRoo · 11/12/2007 15:44

This happened to me for 3 months when my sister was having IVF and I had become pregnant (I'm now nealry 19 weeks, and her IVF has worked so she speaks to me again). I think it's one of the worst things ever, and it makes you feel terrible, not only in general, but also about your pregnancy. Like you should feel guilty. I put this problem on the TTC pages a few weeks ago and everyone was lovely about it.

As awful as it is, my sister wouldn't have been able to be around me again if her IVF didn't work. Which makes me feel that she's only my sister as long as they're happy. So I definately know how you feel.

As long as you're nice, and you show that you're there when they're ready, eventually they should get over it and be friends again. If they don't want to be, unfortunately, it's something you just have to live with.

Please don't let it ruin your pregnancy because looking back, if I could turn back the clock, I'd enjoy my first three months of my first ever pregnancy and not have been crying over it. As it's not something you can control. I regret feeling guilty, though I do realise how terrible it was for my sister and I love her very much and hope that she is and always will be happy and will never have to go through something so awful again. I truly wish there was no such thing as difficulty TTC and everyone got pregnant first month trying. But I also wish I had nicer memories and that I could write something nice in my baby book where it says 'How did mummy and daddy celebrate when they found out'... we didn't because of the cloud over everything. There was just a lot of tears and a feeling of helplessness on everyone's part.

I know this sounds quite negative, but I'm just trying to say that sometimes these things happen and as horrific as it is, you have to wait for it to pass.

Hope your friendship continues and I wish you lots of luck.

MadLabOwner · 11/12/2007 15:50

Having had IVF myself, I think it is very difficult to be around pergnant people when you think you won't ever be in that position. I would wait, hang in there and hope things work out. Can your DH see his mate, just the two of them? Easier to maintain contact that way I think.

Please don't blame them. They need time to come to terms with their situation and decide what they will do without having to look at your pregnancy at the same time. I know you wouldn't make a big deal of it, but even so being pregnant colours your whole life and it is difficult to be around someone pregnant if you aren't, and want to be

PoinsettiaBouquets · 11/12/2007 16:02

Fertility problems, esp for a woman, seriously make you crazy, it can really be a kind of depression. As MadLabOwner says, they are still grieving.
I would give them some space and hopefully once the baby is born she'll be able to love your baby rather than resent your fertility. If you're really saintly and if they were that close, a nice gesture would be to ask them to godparent or name them as guardians.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 11/12/2007 16:10

Good suggestions - Thanks.
Madlabowner - Thanks for advice.We are not blaming them at all. If anything I want to have contact with them so that we can offer them support through ivf and or other options, rather than for them to be involved in our pregnancy. I do understand that they are grieving. I suppose the main issue for me is I have to accept that its not personal but I am the last person they want to be around at the moment.

We have considered asking them to be godparents for dc but wondered whether that would seem even more insensitive to their situation...

OP posts:

systemsaddict · 11/12/2007 16:10

It's really really hard. I have just conceived easily 2nd time round but 1st time had 2 years infertility while friends were falling pg all around me and so have seen both sides of the coin. Have just had a similar situation with a friend whose IVF has failed again and told there is v little hope for them, just as I had hit 12 weeks and was telling people. I put it off but eventually told her I'm pg and that I completely understand if she doesn't want to see me for a while. We have agreed to just leave it till she feels ready, and I know that may not be for a long long time.

Tbh I think it's really hard to understand how infertility feels if you haven't experienced it directly. Being around pregnant friends while grieving the loss of the chance of having a child can just be too painful to deal with. So my advice would be to let them know you appreciate it must be incredibly hard for them and will just go with whatever is easiest for them, even if this is not seeing you. Even if you want to be supportive for them, it may not be possible for you to be the ones to do this right now.

Many people with infertility find it easier to be around families with older children though, it's pregnancy and babies that are the hardest, so don't think it's necessary finished as a friendship forever, even if it takes a good long while before things are normal again.

Curmudgeonlett · 11/12/2007 16:12

You need to send her a card telling her you understand how difficult it can be and that you won't pressure her into meeting up but that you will always be her friend and when she feels ready you would love it if she got back in touch

Weegle · 11/12/2007 16:22

I would write a card to them as a couple saying you are trying to understand how they feel and that you are there for support should they want it, and that is an open offer. Then I would do what someone else has suggested and let the two guys focus in on their relationship and stand back from the couple/couple thing for the meantime. That way the ties are maintained but in a way that hopefully won't underline their fertility problems whilst you are pregnant.

Unfitmother · 11/12/2007 16:24

That's so hard, I think the idea of writing to them sounds best.

Original poster

AttillaTheHan · 11/12/2007 16:27

I think we will write a letter to them inside their christmas card. Thanks for all the advice, we just want to do the best by them.

OP posts:

madChristmasmouse · 11/12/2007 16:55

I really symphatise. My oldest friend has so far been unable to conceive ( 2years plus) and holds a very long and frustrated child wish (while mine is much more recent). While she predicted I would conceive first (it only took 5 months despite 9 years on the pill)she found it incredibly upsetting. I did not know how to tell her, but another close friend who had waited seven years, two miscarriages and three failed IVF attempts to fall pregnant naturally told me I had to tell her in person and take her emotions on the chin. So I did, although over the telephone as we live on different sides of the North Sea. The conversation was broken off in tears and for a while things were very awkward. I found it important to remember that we were friends long before the baby business and also that she loves me and wants the best for me. So when I had a scan showing all was well I just told her all was well and did not send a copy of the scan picture. We talk about the baby very little and for me that works. There are other people, never mind the whole of Mumsnet , to babychat with. She did send a present which stunned me, it must have been so hard for her to go into that shop...
It is hard, I won't lie, but just realise how blessed you are and that they do care, and just give them loads of space.

madChristmasmouse · 11/12/2007 16:59

oh, HayleyandRoo's post just reminded me, don't feel guilty. It is not up to you who conceives and who does not. And they know it too!

meepingaroundthechristmastree · 11/12/2007 17:04

When I found out I was pregnant I had a friend who had been trying for years following a miscarriage. I always promised I would tell her as soon as I knew - she gave me a hug but was distant thereafter and I just came to accept that she was not a friend I could talk about anything pregnancy related. However she was the first non-family person to visit me and my dd in hospital - I know it still breaks her heart that she doesn't have a baby - and I know that when she does get pregnant our friendship will flourish again - until then I just have to respect her feelings. It is hard - especially when you are pregant and you have all those maniac hormones rushing around making you cry! Keep smiling!

FioFio · 11/12/2007 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LoveAngelGabriel · 11/12/2007 17:31

I think you are doing the best thing you can do. Hang back, be sensitive to their feelings and don't take it personally. I had a m/c in October and I am finding it incredibly hard being around my three pregnant best friends (!). I've avoided them a bit, to be honest, but it isn't because I'm not pleased for them - I just need time to get my head around it.

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