I gave birth 3 weeks ago, how soon… **MNHQ adding content note for baby loss**

[MrsXx4]

….can I try for another baby?

Without going into any of the details can anyone tell me if they got pregnant quickly after giving birth and if so how quick and was their pregnancy healthy?

Is there a risk factor involved in trying too soon after giving birth?

Is it important to wait a year / 18 months after giving birth if you are a relatively healthy person?

I am hopefully seeing my midwife tomorrow so I will also ask her, but I’m looking for any ladies with experience of falling pregnant quickly after giving birth. Thank you.

I’m so sorry OP.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and for your thoughts.

My bereavement midwife said that sometimes counselling isn’t as affective when you are deep in grief, she said that it’s best to go with your feelings for a while and then usually around the 3 month mark you are ready and stronger to let the counselling do it’s job. I don’t know what’s right? I’ve not had counselling before. I don’t know what to expect from it or how it will help me, but I will definitely go.

I’m so sorry to read so many have lost their babies and children. It’s so unfair, it’s horrendous! I do not know anyone personally that has gone through anything like this so I feel very alone and I find myself looking for threads on here about stillbirth just so I can compare how I am feeling and see if one day it’ll get better because right now it’s hard to imagine anything will ever get better. In a way I’m glad I started this thread now and opened up about why because I don’t feel so alone, I’m just so sorry so many of us have had to experience this shit! X.

Snap @sunshineandshowers40 13 month age gap here. The first few months well year of DC2’s life was extremely hectic. I also had a friend in my first time mum group who had a gap of 16 months between her first and second child and she ended up with three well under three.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

We very nearly faced this unbearable sudden pain so I just wanted to say I'm in awe of your strength and send love to those who are without their babies. xx

So sorry to read about your loss. The pain must be indescribable and of course you must long to have your baby in your arms. Your world has been turned upside down.
I hope your tests will throw up some answers and hopefully counselling will help you to process your feelings. It must be very lonely not knowing anyone else who can understand what you’re experiencing. I’m sure the opportunity to connect with others in the same situation would help.
I had two babies within 12 months. I was fully breastfeeding when I got pregnant the 2nd time so it was unexpected. Added to which my husband was considered to have low fertility! I coped fine though I did get anaemic and continued to be so after my baby was born. She was a very healthy 9 and a half pounds…
I really wish you well OP, take care of yourself.

@MrsXx4 I was 31.

So sorry for your losses. I was still BF when I fell pregnant but I think it is different for everyone.

X

What a heartbreaking thread. I've experienced mc but I'm truly sorry for the families on here that have suffered loss. Its so unfair. Gentle hugs xxxxxx

@MrsXx4 in so sorry for your loss.

I had a stillbirth in July 2015 I was 41 weeks pregnant. I felt exactly the same as you and wanted to be pregnant again, to feel the kicks and feel needed but not to ever replace my first son ever. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again 3 months later and we have had a healthy boy just under a year after losing our first. I then got pregnant again (not exactly planned) shortly after having my second and I had twin boys 1 year and 5 days after having him. I have just had our final child 4 years later and she's 10 days old.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to be pregnant again so soon it's completely normal. You aren't replacing your child at all. We keep our first borns memory alive every day. My husband has set up a charity football team in his name so he is never ever forgotten.

Maybe speak to your doctor about how you are feeling but from my point of view try when you are ready and don't feel guilty about how you are feeling it's totally normal

I hope this message brings you some comfort and hope going forward 😊 x

I know a few people who fell pregnant 6 weeks after giving birth. Less likely if you’re breastfeeding but certainly possible. I would never want less than an 18 month gap between children but that’s just me.

So so sorry, should’ve read the whole thread. Didn’t mean to be insensitive re breastfeeding, my friend went through similar. Her son was born 15 months after her first son died but she tried from 3 months post birth. Lots of people told her to wait longer but she just wanted to be pregnant again. She now has two beautiful boys. Best of luck x

Hi OP I haven't read the full thread but i had a conversation with my GP this week about when it is safe to try for another baby.

She said it spends on:
What delivery you had and any damage done internally and externally
Pelvic floor damage
Emotional readiness and support

In my case she said if I didn't wait until my pelvic floor had recovered from pregnancy strain not just delivery I'd have long term problems (for life) and advised waiting four months and then re-assessing pelvic floor recovery.

People really need to read the thread :(

@Kc1603 thank you for your post. I’m so relieved to read that how I am feeling is normal. I feel totally awful and so guilty for wanting another baby and feel worried and insensitive to ask my midwife some questions as I don’t want her to think I’m over my loss and trying to replace my baby. That’s just not the case, I’m a mess, I don’t know how to survive this grief and I know I need a lot of help but I also know I need to have a baby, the empty arms feeling is just too much to bear.

Did you have any answers as to why you lost your baby in 2015. How were your following pregnancies? Did you have enhanced care? Did they let you go full term? Was there anything in place to prevent this happening again? Because I am obviously terrified of being pregnant again and going through everyday wondering if I’ll actually have a baby at the end!

We will also keep our baby in our hearts and thoughts forever and I talk about her every day and always will. When it is less raw and some time down the line we’d love to do something in her name like your husband’s football team, it’s great that he has done that.

@Lumpwoody don’t worry, it’s because I didn’t put anything in my original post as I wasn’t sure I wanted to when I posted but a few replies I received further up made me think the thread was headed in a certain way that wouldn’t be helpful to me x

@MrsXx4 your midwife shouldn't judge how you are feeling or your decisions going forward.

They think I had a blood clot which cut off his blood supply. I was scanned regularly in all my following pregnancies and was consultant led not midwife led. I was having to take blood thinning injections every day for the whole pregnancy to prevent a blood clot. I was induced with my second and 5th at 39 weeks and the twins at 37 weeks.

Do you know why your baby died or have you decided not to find out. In your next pregnancy you should get extra observation throughout and I am of the opinion it's your pregnancy so you can push for things like extra scans, early induction or cesarean.

I won't lie my second pregnancy wasn't that enjoyable as I was always worrying but as I said above I was scanned regularly and induced early.

Have you heard of the charity 4louis and Sands they were fantastic when we lost Alfie. We raise money every year for them both via a just giving page and through our football club.

If you search for Hartham United FC on social media you can see more about what we do in Alfie's memory and I can also talk to you more about anything you want to ask via there or you can drop me a personal message if that's easier

@Kc1603 at the moment we don’t know what happened. They took swabs of me and my baby and took my placenta but we get any results from that in about 4 weeks time. We decided not to proceed with a post mortem because they told us the odds of finding anything were pretty low and we didn’t want to put her through anything like that for no results. It was just a personal choice for us and I wouldn’t have any judgement at all on what others decide in this situation.

I haven’t heard of 4louis so I will have a google now. I have heard of sands and I have all the leaflets and paperwork still to go through, I’ve found it really hard to seek help so far because I feel like it’s admitting what happened and having to allow that in and face the facts that we’ve lost our baby. It’s silly really, we had her funeral last Wednesday so I should be able to accept what has happened.

I’ll search your football team and join x

Hi,

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. This is the most painful thing anyone can go through and every feeling you have is completely valid.

My son was stillborn at the end of last year at full term after a 'textbook' pregnancy. There was no explanation for this.

I remember the absolute desperation at first to have a baby in our arms and home, if I could have got pregnant the day after I think I would have tried. You were meant to bring your baby home, you've given birth to them and your body doesn't know where they've gone. It's a pain which is indescribable unless you've felt it. I think it's a normal reaction as a number of people I know have felt the same. However for me that changed after a few weeks and we chose to wait for a few months until trying again. In those early days the pain was so unbelievably raw and I think for me, I was grieving for the pregnancy at that point as it ended so abruptly and really I wanted another pregnancy to have my son rather than his brother or sister. There are no right or wrong answers though and you need to do what is right for you and your family.

The grief is so overwhelming. I hope that you have some good support around you. We had bereavement counselling through a baby loss charity and that made such a significant difference. The pain is still there and it hurts just as much but we are slowly learning to live again, moving forward and taking our son alongside us. Please just send me a message if you ever want to chat.

Sending a big cuddle OP. I'm so sorry, life can be so very unfair ❤️

@MrsXx4 I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel as I lost my daughter at 41 weeks. Like you there was no signs anything was wrong. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. That feeling of empty arms is so painfully tangible isn’t it. All I wanted was to be pregnant again, and fill that void. I became obsessed with it. I’m sending you the biggest hug.

I had a vaginal delivery with DD and stitches too and as soon as I got the six week sign off we started trying. Literally that day. My period arrived quickly and it did settle down the following month so 3 months after we lost DD I fell pregnant again and DS arrived last year. We are still very much grieving DD and I have a lot of things to work through but having DS here does help a lot. But the pregnancy was hard, I was convinced we’d lose him anytime.

I had bereavement counselling whilst pregnant with DS which really helped but I need a whole lot more to be honest so I’d suggest taking as much help as you can get. Happy to chat more if you want to PM me. Xx

Hi MrsXx4,
We hope you don't mind but we have added a wee content note at the top of your thread. We are so very, very sorry to hear about the death of your little baby, and we hope you find warm and loving support from your friends here on Mumsnet as the enormity of what has happened begins to sink in.
Condolences and much love.

@SunshineThroughTheFog

I'm sorry for your loss OP. This isn't meant as a criticism but we had a similar situation in our family and my family member got pregnant straight away. On one hand it was healing and in another it meant she never properly grieved and her and her DH are still very much in deep grief which spills over to their new baby. It's very hard for the new child to be compared to all the time to their angel sibling.

Take care of yourself.

I had similar..I tried to have a baby for seven years, had fertility treatment and my first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy which ended in emergency surgery and a tube rupture. My husband and professionals advised allowing time to process and grieve the trauma before continuing on the journey, but I was adamant I was fine and wanted to do everything we could ASAP. So we did. I managed to conceive our rainbow baby boy from my remaining tube after another miscarriage. I had thought that would 'heal all' and make the pain lessen. It did not. I had a horrendous mental health breakdown during and after the birth. I had got into it traumatised then I had a traumatic pregnancy and birth and by the time I gave birth, I could not function. I was in a mental health crisis, labelled as PND, but it was so so much more than that. It was layers and layers of past trauma and grief that meant I could not bond or enjoy my baby at all. I had to have so much mental health support and was offered inpatient at an Mbu etc. I know my story may sound dramatic (and there is more with the loss of my mum in childhood etc), but my husband and I have both been left changed...our marriage is not the same...we look back and wished we had waited longer or thought about it more. I'm sorry for rambling on..I am so sorry for your loss. It is entirely up to you what you do next, I understand so much the yearn for another baby...please make sure you have support around you whatever you decide 🌸