Pregnant, future SAHM anxiety

[FTMinAmm]

I want to start by saying I feel incredibly lucky to be able to make this decision as I know it's not possible for everyone.

I'm 26 weeks at the moment and from even before we decided to try me and my partner agreed that I would stay home with our children until they went to school. It's a decision we made together and one I'm completely happy with, I barely saw my parents when I was a child so to be able to stay home and have so much one on one time with my future little girl feels like such a privilege.

BUT I'm starting to get anxiety about not working anymore. I feel like I'm completely conditioned to get self worth from 'achieving things' and am scared I'll start to feel less independent or less respected even for not working?? Has anyone else felt this way? Do these feelings go away once your little one is here?

Partner? Not husband? Any plans to get married before baby is born?

@AnotherEmma

Partner? Not husband? Any plans to get married before baby is born?

We got married in January!

You can change your mind whenever you want too.

There are more options than SAHM and working so hard you never see your parents. Please don’t get trapped into something you don’t want but could escape based on how you felt before you even had a child.

Hey! Congratulations, I’m 35 weeks and feel a little similar even about maternity leave! I’m so excited to spend time with baby but do get a lot of fulfilment from my job. I think it’s fair to be anxious about something so new. You could spend time volunteering or studying once the kids are a little older to ensure you get your achievements and your time too! Not sure if that helps, but just to say I think you’re totally ok to feel that way :)

(Children! Not parents! But hopefully you can work it out).

If I were you I’d go into maternity leave with the intention of being a SAHM but keeping your job open by taking maternity leave so that if after a year you want to go back, you can. But there are many many non career achievements you’ll have with your little girl. Good luck.

@Perpop

Hey! Congratulations, I’m 35 weeks and feel a little similar even about maternity leave! I’m so excited to spend time with baby but do get a lot of fulfilment from my job. I think it’s fair to be anxious about something so new. You could spend time volunteering or studying once the kids are a little older to ensure you get your achievements and your time too! Not sure if that helps, but just to say I think you’re totally ok to feel that way :)

Thanks that's really really helpful :) Congratulations too! Everything's so new and these are all things I never really thought of before.

I went part time after my first Mat leave. I love my DD but I didn’t want to be at home all the time, I like my job. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week and she loves it and gets to interact with other children.
It’s up to you, there is a massive gulf between never seeing your child and seeing them 24/7. Young children are hard work and I need a break for my own mental health.

Congrats op, the truth is no I couldn’t have done it any more than your husband would be willing to do it, but we are all different and if you’re happy with it, then enjoy, it’s not for every one,

I suggest you do your maternity leave fhen decide, being someone who does only domestic chores and child care and has to rely on someone else for money changes the dynamic hugely.

However the fact you’d even consider it possibly means you’re good with that,

I feel like I'm completely conditioned to get self worth from 'achieving things'

That's not conditioning, it is a human need that when unmet leads to depression. So if you won't be working anymore then you need to ensure you have something else in your life that gives you a sense of achievement. Ignoring those needs and leaving them unmet would be unwise - the same as you wouldn't ignore your needs for food, water and shelter but hope you would somehow be fine without.

Why did the two of you agree that it would be you specifically giving up work? Rather than your partner? Or you both working reduced hours so you both benefit from more time with your children?

When I got pregnant with DS I became a SAHM which I really wanted because I hated my then job. I met some lovely other new mums who I saw every week and life was sweet. Then they all went back to work and I began to feel increasingly lonely. We moved house, I joined some toddler groups and made some other lovely friends who either didn't work or worked part time and felt I'd found my feet again.

By the time DS was 2.5 however, I was starting to feel I needed something more. He was a typical demanding toddler and having held a very professional job, I just felt like all I was was 'mummy' which was fine, but just not enough for me. So, I got another job, put DS into childcare and never looked back.

I wouldn't have missed those 2.5 years for anything, but I definitely couldn't have sustained it long term. I would go into it not having any rigid expectations of how long you'll be at home for.

Congratulations on your wedding (as well as the pregnancy obviously). It's good that you're married as it gives you some financial security.

I agree with PPs who said wait and see how you feel when baby is here (and your feelings may change as baby grows, too). Nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you want and if you're enjoying it. Also nothing wrong with working full time or part time if you prefer. I like working part time myself (two young DCs).

I agree take a Mat leave and see how u feel- you could go back prt time if you wanted. Mother hood is a shock to any system, you will not be failing to say actually I don’t want to be a sahm- open mind op

The key thing is

Do you have full access to all finances and an equal decision on all spends?

Why it’s it you’re giving up work? Did he consider it? Child care costs are joint,

How much did you work where you think you’ll never see your child?

What happens to your finances when three of you are living off his salary, is he a good earner?

Will he respect you when your contribution is simply domestic? Is he ok with you spending “ his “ money on yourself?

What about your pension or ability to get back to work if he’s off with someone else, little miss independence?

As said it’s not for everyone, eighty percent of mothers work now, and that number is increasing hugely,

@Bluntness100

The key thing is

Do you have full access to all finances and an equal decision on all spends?

Why it’s it you’re giving up work? Did he consider it? Child care costs are joint,

How much did you work where you think you’ll never see your child?

What happens to your finances when three of you are living off his salary, is he a good earner?

Will he respect you when your contribution is simply domestic? Is he ok with you spending “ his “ money on yourself?

What about your pension or ability to get back to work if he’s off with someone else, little miss independence?

As said it’s not for everyone, eighty percent of mothers work now, and that number is increasing hugely,

Yeah I have full access to everything, he has a business of his own, which I work at part time (and that work at least will carry on after my little one is born) but I have always had my own other job that pays quite well. But his business definitely makes enough to support us both and I'll have my own money and can spend what I like without ever having to run it past him.

It's more a self esteem thing I'm worried about. And in the job I'm doing now I'm a self-employed contractor so I don't have a proper 'maternity leave' in the traditional sense.

I agree with Bluntness especially and most importantly the finances bit.

I have been a long term SAHM due to disability. You really need to be aware of the massive pitfall that is being a SAHM which is that some men, not all men, but some men think this will turn into them returning home from work every day to a home cooked meal, a spotless house and a beautifully behaved baby.

Even if you decide in future to return to work a lot of men have become so unused to doing any sort of housework that this becomes an issue and you are expected to still work and do all the housework/shopping/cooking. I have seen this a lot with SAHM friends who returned to work.

You need to have a conversation now about how this is going to work for you. What will the money situation be like with access to finances, expectations of spending, and equal downtime on evenings and weekends.

Cross posts with you. Access to money and expectations about how and where you spend it are two different things. Even before having a baby Dh and I sat down every year and had a financial meeting about what we had spent etc.

The one thing I did feel was guilty about not earning my own money since I had worked from 14 years old, even worked in uni summer holidays. I found it hard to spend money on myself, not because of Dh but more I didn't feel like I deserved it as I wasn't adding to the pot. I soon got over that. I have been a SAHM for over 16 years.

Hello OP,

You will always get a mixed reaction to SAHMs on Mumsnet. I have had a similar experience to Ginger1982, although baby number 2 is due next year and so I am not at the point of going back to work yet. Try to throw yourself into as many Mum and baby activities as possible so that you can build a network. This was not possible for me due to the lockdowns, but I’ve made some lovely friends via park visits. In my area SAHPs are rare and so I found it harder after the first year when most of my friends went back to work. Most work part-time though and so I try to keep their non-work days free so that I can meet up with them. The hardest part recently has been my loss of identity. I’m not one of those people who just wants to be known S “X’s Mum”. Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who helps to share the childcare so that I can get some “me time”. Oh, and also have a stock answer available for when people inevitably ask you “what do you do?”. It’s taking a while, but I’m slowly learning to be proud of saying that I am a stay at home mum.

Why do you have to decide this now? You might want to work part time after your DD is a year or so.
If you think you might want to work again once your DC are at school I'd think carefully about committing yourself to not working at all for a number of years. It can be quite hard to get back into the work place at a decent level after a lot of years completely out.

It’s not the end of the world to take some time out of work. People take gap years (or longer) all the time. Others choose to retrain in a completely different career later in life, which may require them to start at the bottom again. And just because someone is a high earner at one point doesn’t mean they will continue to be if the job market changes.

@snowy0wl

Hello OP,

You will always get a mixed reaction to SAHMs on Mumsnet. I have had a similar experience to Ginger1982, although baby number 2 is due next year and so I am not at the point of going back to work yet. Try to throw yourself into as many Mum and baby activities as possible so that you can build a network. This was not possible for me due to the lockdowns, but I’ve made some lovely friends via park visits. In my area SAHPs are rare and so I found it harder after the first year when most of my friends went back to work. Most work part-time though and so I try to keep their non-work days free so that I can meet up with them. The hardest part recently has been my loss of identity. I’m not one of those people who just wants to be known S “X’s Mum”. Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who helps to share the childcare so that I can get some “me time”. Oh, and also have a stock answer available for when people inevitably ask you “what do you do?”. It’s taking a while, but I’m slowly learning to be proud of saying that I am a stay at home mum.

This is really good to hear. Yeah it seems that way! It seems like there's much more stigma attached to it than I thought there would be but maybe that was a little naive. I'm definitely going to go to lots of different activities and try to meet as many people as possible. I used to be a nanny to a little baby and her brother so I have a little bit of past experience with those kinds of groups - although I imagine it's different when it's your own! I think having a supportive husband is key. Mine views childcare as a complete job in and of itself and doesn't think it's any less of his responsibility to do housework and things like that when she's born. I also know that if I changed my mind and wanted to go back to work he would be supportive too. But it's just answering that last question that's weighing on my mind! I'm glad your starting to feel proud about it and I hope i'll be able to get there too.

It sounds like your hubby is similar to mine. :) In my area a lot of the toddler groups are frequented by nannies and I have got to know a few quite well. I quickly learnt not to assume that the person with the child was the mother! 🤣

Do you really have to decide now?
I learned so much about family life / sahm life etc in my 6mo maternity leave. Even though I was freelance/wfh before I got pregnant I really (couldn’t) didn’t really have a full picture of what sahm life would/could be like till I’d tried it in Mat leave.
In the end I decide to go back to work quite early but very part time. That was my decision. Your decision will be yours. But I’d advise don’t make it yet.

One tip while I remember - don’t forget to apply to have your NI contributions covered whilst you are not working. From memory this is covered in the child credit form. We didn’t qualify for child credit and but there is a tick box on the form for covering NI contributions for something like 10 years. I was an employee before becoming a SAHM but I’m presuming the option is open to the self-employed too? And if you haven’t already, ask your midwife to give you a maternity exemption certificate for free prescriptions and NHS dentist treatment for yourself until the child is 1.

Oh God yeah 'what do you do?' I used to always say, 'I'm a lawyer, but I'm taking some time out right now' which was probably proof that I was always going to go back!

For most people, going back to work after a 5 year break is not realistic. I know someone trying to get back to work now who is getting nowhere even when applying for very low paid jobs. I'd suggest keeping your options open with a bit of freelance work so that your CV and skills stay up to date.