Pregnant, future SAHM anxiety

[FTMinAmm]

I want to start by saying I feel incredibly lucky to be able to make this decision as I know it's not possible for everyone.

I'm 26 weeks at the moment and from even before we decided to try me and my partner agreed that I would stay home with our children until they went to school. It's a decision we made together and one I'm completely happy with, I barely saw my parents when I was a child so to be able to stay home and have so much one on one time with my future little girl feels like such a privilege.

BUT I'm starting to get anxiety about not working anymore. I feel like I'm completely conditioned to get self worth from 'achieving things' and am scared I'll start to feel less independent or less respected even for not working?? Has anyone else felt this way? Do these feelings go away once your little one is here?

I’d agree with the others, see how you feel once you’ve had the baby. Some people enjoy being at home but for many women after the first few months it’s not something they would wish to continue, it’s such a big change to who you are, and can be mind numbing and a grind. It’s rarely all sunshine and rice crispy cakes, and more sleepless nights, early mornings, constant cooking cleaning and tidying.

It’s also one thing to say my husband sees house work as a joint responsibility and child care s a complete job, very very few people actually find that is true in reality, they don’t want to work all day and come home to a messy house and start work cleaning it.

So I’d say give it a few months then decide, a lot think it will be awesome but then once they do it for awhile realise it’s hard work.

You could be a SAHM but still have something meaningful to do outside of parenting.
For example, volunteer work or evening/weekend work.
I'm a SAHM during the day, but I have two volunteering roles which in total take about 3-4 hours per week. I also work on a self employed / freelance basis for about 5 hours a week, in a field related to my career.

Both of these just give me a bit more purpose and keep me busy with something other than baby stuff, and also keep some skills to put on my CV in future. All of these roles are much reduced during the school holidays and I am missing them now.

What is the plan for your private pension contributions when not working? Is your dh paying the same from his income into your pension as he is his?

I agree with occasional freelance work, or you will find it difficult to get back to work at a good level eventually.

I would also be discussing housework responsibilities, cooking responsibilities, and, most importantly, how you will maintain your hobbies.

I agree with the others. Don't feel like you have to make a decision now as you may feel very different once baby is here.

I couldn't see what you do as a job, sorry if I missed it. I also saw you referred to children suggesting you're planning on more than one. I went back part time and DS will be just over 3 when number 2 arrives. If I stayed at home until both went to school, I'd be out of work for 8 years. Then I'd be trying to find a job that accommodates school hours.

For context, my husband is extremely supportive and we could have chosen for me to stay at home if that was what we both wanted. We decided on balance that part time was best for us as it keeps all my options open long term which we feel is best all round. I found returning to work very difficult for lots of reasons but now I do feel we have the right balance now things have settled. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer.

I love being a SAHM. Yes there have been ups and downs - but you could say the same for a paid job/career.
My Ds are now teens.
From the start I was clear that I was in unpaid employment - eg it’s work looking after a child but it just isn’t paid (or really properly valued by society IMO)
It’s also ok to get a cleaner for a bit more support.
Mine went to nursery a few days a week when they were toddlers.
I joined babygroups, playgroups etc.
I think it also depends if you live in an area where most parents both work.
I don’t regret the time I have spent at home.
DH values the work I do. Just as I value his work. I would tell him about our day and point out my successes - just as he would talk about what he had done well at work.
It’s normal to feel apprehensive. The good thing is that you can always return to paid employment if your wish.
It’s not all roses. Babies are not easy all of the time! But with friends (our family were far away) and husband support it’s possible and can be fun.
My biggest tip is when you feel ready take some time for you. A regular time. Whatever it is you want to do. For me it’s reading, walking and nights out w friends sometimes. Make sure you have that.

What is your husbands plan fir and idea if parenting? One of the reasons I went pt instead of staying at home was that it helped my dh get more time with dc. If he had been sole earner he would have struggled to be as strict with his own boundaries. Even though he works ft he does drop offs and pick ups, leaves early if required and takes all his leave (plus buys more) for childcare.
In many families with one sahp the working parent puts in long hours and really misses out and n the ordinary day to day parenting.

Being a SAHM is an ENORMOUS risk to your own future and financial security. Pls ensure your husband maintains your pension contributions AND a separate savings pot in your sole name.

@AnotherEmma

Partner? Not husband? Any plans to get married before baby is born?

😳😳😳 sorry have we rewound to the 1950’s!?

AllSinging being married is important for SAHP for their financial protection should the couple split given they are sacrificing their earnings and future potential earnings

I think you will see with children that you can't make fixed 5 year plan, see how you feel, maybe do short contract in a year for 6 months see how it goes .
I went back to work initially then part time after 2nd then DH worked abroad so everything just too much and easier not to. His earnings skyrocketed so stayed at home for 10 years, great, lots of things easier for family life. Ironically once they are at school it is harder juggling sometimes, pick ups, holidays etc and constant admin. Did lots of volunteering and other ventures, It worked for us.
However husband and I absolutely see money as family money and I manage it all. The only thing that was shit was the "and what do you do?" When you meet people, hated that but they don't know you. You do lose status and bit of sense of self.
I've just gone back to work and I love it but salary wise gone back 15 years.

Your husband considers childcare an important and full role of its own, that just so coincidentally he wouldn't consider making his own full time occupation only a woman's?

If he genuinely values it then why is it not good enough for him?

Goodness me - the OP has said that she wants to be a SAHP and her husband is supporting her decision. He is not forcing her to quit and raise kids! Why are people turning on the husband and asking why he doesn’t give up his job?!

@snowy0wl

Goodness me - the OP has said that she wants to be a SAHP and her husband is supporting her decision. He is not forcing her to quit and raise kids! Why are people turning on the husband and asking why he doesn’t give up his job?!

Because many men are very supportive of women staying home looking after the kids, because they don’t want to pay child care and want all the domestic drudgery done for them, it’s a way to lessen their parenting and home care role, they just palm it all off on the woman, and simoly would never consider doing it themselves. It’s a complete job till they are asked to do it, then it’s fuck no

And full access to money often only works when the woman is contributing financially, when she stops doing that, for many, after a period of time it starts to be, well I earn the money, it’s my money, and your home all day, why aren’t my pants washed, why do you need new clothes, you don’t go anywhere.

I was in senior role
Didn’t go back
Absolutely loved being a sahm
8 years later went back to work
Because I had a good cv and, most importantly, all my professional exams
I walked in to another good job

The key is to be qualified and have a good cv before becoming a sahm

Bluntness - sorry you have such a negative view of men. I agree that some men hold this viewpoint but there are many women (myself included) who do not have this experience. There are some good men out there in the real world!

Marmitemarinaded - It’s really good to read about a positive success story. I’m so glad it worked out for you. :)

Personally, I would see how you feel after the baby is here. Keep your job open and tell them you are going back. You can then see how you feel towards the end of your maternity leave and then make a decision, possibly even go back part time if that will help you to feel more independent etc.

I went back to work part time (4 days a week) after my first baby and it is the best thing I have ever done. I get that sense of fulfilment from my job and also the sense of fulfilment from home. It's nice to have your independence and a little bit of freedom going in to work again and you also have a bit of a sense of who you are again.

@snowy0wl

Bluntness - sorry you have such a negative view of men. I agree that some men hold this viewpoint but there are many women (myself included) who do not have this experience. There are some good men out there in the real world!

Marmitemarinaded - It’s really good to read about a positive success story. I’m so glad it worked out for you. :)

Um, I’m just going by the many many threads on here. It happens a lot. It is not my personal experience, I continued to work although I had the option not to, because quite frankly I’m not cut out to stay home and do the domestic work and I like being financially independent.

But pretending women don’t end up in thr shit and this isn’t an all too familiar scenario is doing the op no favours at all.

Nothing is permanent! I would try not to stress too much about the future right now as anything can change.
Personally, after 10 months, I was ready to go back to work, use my brain and earn some money again... but my husband and I are quite similar in terms of our earning, so I always knew that I would have to return to work, so my brain was wired to that way.
See how you find it - you can change your mind at any time... and you might also find that you settle into home life super easily :-)

@Bluntness100

And full access to money often only works when the woman is contributing financially, when she stops doing that, for many, after a period of time it starts to be, well I earn the money, it’s my money, and your home all day, why aren’t my pants washed, why do you need new clothes, you don’t go anywhere.

My mother a sahm all her marriage Never experienced this

My a sahm for 8 years. My husband (now ex) never ever behaved like this.

Some men are shits. Some women are shits.
Some men are decent. Some women are shits.

Some women are decent I meant to say!

Point is - of course some will be arseholes about it
Mh it if they’re an arsehole about this - then really, you shouldn’t be with them in any scenario

@user16395699

Your husband considers childcare an important and full role of its own, that just so coincidentally he wouldn't consider making his own full time occupation only a woman's?

If he genuinely values it then why is it not good enough for him?

The option is not really open to him

He owns and runs a business, which makes enough to support the family. The op works part time in it.

Bluntness - We can agree to disagree (shame - I normally agree with things you post on Mumsnet) but your post did not provide a balanced view and so I felt it was important to remind people that in real life it sometimes works out. Of course there will be lots of negative threads on Mumsnet, because in my experience people tend to only post for advice about the negative things. Using this logic, none of us should ever have children without getting married but we should also never get married because, of course, our partner will cheat and end up divorcing us. Anyone who dares to post a positive experience on a thread will often be criticised, especially if it is SAHM related, and so I was fully expecting someone to disagree. The OP hasn’t come back to this thread and so I’m presuming she has got all the info she needs from this discussion. I’m going to step away now.

No, you just popped up to be defensive about your own personal life, because for some inexplicable reason you appear to be taking general comments and advice very personally as if it were direct criticism of you.

If someone is worried about a decision, it is helpful to talk through downsides and perspectives they may not have appreciated and to check they are not wearing rose tinted glasses, especially where those issues might be driving their present anxiety or later cause significant mental health struggles. We have feelings for a reason and we should listen to them and take the time to understand them, not just rigidly push them away as inconvenient. The latter never ends well.

What is not helpful is for "yes-women" to start posting blindly declaring that because they are happy with being a SAHM and not my Nigel-ing the op should ignore all other considerations, ignore all her concerns and ignore all other voices except their own. Essentially trying to push someone else into making a decision that may be wrong for them because those posters want to validate their own decisions and lives.

@snowy0wl. Please read my post again. You are being defensive. I deliberately said “many” and “often” which is factually correct. You jist need to look at the divorce rate to know relationships break down for many reasons, what is it now, fifty percent?

At no stage did I say every man, and no stage did I say every stay at home mum. I chose my words deliberately and they are factual