Pregnant, future SAHM anxiety

[FTMinAmm]

I want to start by saying I feel incredibly lucky to be able to make this decision as I know it's not possible for everyone.

I'm 26 weeks at the moment and from even before we decided to try me and my partner agreed that I would stay home with our children until they went to school. It's a decision we made together and one I'm completely happy with, I barely saw my parents when I was a child so to be able to stay home and have so much one on one time with my future little girl feels like such a privilege.

BUT I'm starting to get anxiety about not working anymore. I feel like I'm completely conditioned to get self worth from 'achieving things' and am scared I'll start to feel less independent or less respected even for not working?? Has anyone else felt this way? Do these feelings go away once your little one is here?

It's worth thinking ahead about when you wish to return to work (if you do) and what this will look like. If you just want to return to the family business I guess this has the advantages that presumably you will have more autonomy, but this may not be what you want longer term.

You say you want to be a SAHM until your children start school, but equally state that one motivation is that you barely saw your parents as a child. It won't be the pre-school years that your children will remember when they are older - they will remember whether you were around after school and in school holidays. And IME it's actually easier to work during the pre-school years as childcare provision is much more simple to organise (you send them to nursery/nanny/childminder and then don't have to worry about them all day). At school stage it can become much more tricky - most parents end up doing a mixture of breakfast clubs, after school clubs, holiday clubs, ad-hoc childcare, juggling leave ... to cover school holidays.

@AnotherEmma

Partner? Not husband? Any plans to get married before baby is born?

What difference does it make? I'm confused by this response and what relevance it has to OPs question 🤔

lockdownbabyx if you really don’t know, suggest reading up on cohabiting.

SAH - even when married - is a massive personal risk. One that almost no men are prepared to take.

@lockdownbabyx

What difference does it make? I'm confused by this response and what relevance it has to OPs question 🤔

Very very relevant
I was a sahm when I divorced.
I received a very very generous settlement, based in fact that I had lost earnings and was primary carer.

If I hadn’t have been married - no legal help whatsoever.

I am surprised that you even need to aak

Aak

Ask!!

so does he pay into a pension and is planning to do the same for you? I would be insisting on that. Also are you clear about what a SAHM means for you both?

Interesting that several people took offence at my questions. Not the OP! But it seems that people are touchy/defensive on the topic of being an unmarried SAHP.

I would advise anyone considering being a SAHP to get married first. If unmarried I would be strongly advising not to give up your financial independence. No judgment, just simple common sense.

Sadly it seems that a lot of people are blissfully unaware of the differences between cohabitation and marriage - until they find themselves up shit creek with no paddle.

I was a SAHM, found it quite isolating during the lockdowns so got a little part time job. You can always change your mind if you want.

@AnotherEmma I’m very likely to be considerably wealthier than anyone I have a baby with outside of marriage. You advice is pointless and judgemental. You don’t know people’s individual circumstances and so the pearl clutching “partner?! Not husband?! When will you marry?!” is uncalled for imo

No doubt my comment will get deleted again for whatever reason

To be honest, the fact that you interpreted my questions that way and call them "Pearl clutching" says more about you than it does about me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Since when was this thread about you, anyway? It's about the OP.

Oh, I forgot that only the OP and one poster may enter a conversation on an thread. Thanks for policing

[quote Derbee]@AnotherEmma I’m very likely to be considerably wealthier than anyone I have a baby with outside of marriage. You advice is pointless and judgemental. You don’t know people’s individual circumstances and so the pearl clutching “partner?! Not husband?! When will you marry?!” is uncalled for imo[/quote]
Then, on mumsnet, you would be always be advised not to marry.

@Derbee … because mumsnet posters protect the interests of women in a world created and ran to favour men.

[quote JulesCobb]@Derbee … because mumsnet posters protect the interests of women in a world created and ran to favour men.[/quote]

Single mum here
Senior role
Financially very secure
Professionally qualified up to my eyeballs

I don’t feel least bit that I occupy a world created and run by men

Speak for yourself!

That’s really odd. Not sure how anyone can watch the news and not think the world favours men. But as long as you're doing ok there @Marmitemarinaded…

@JulesCobb

That’s really odd. Not sure how anyone can watch the news and not think the world favours men. But as long as you're doing ok there *@Marmitemarinaded*…

Yep, i am doing ok My daughter is doing well My female friends are doing well (two are literally at the top echelons of their respective industries) And my sister is doing well

So - yes, that’s what important for me.

Now patriarchy and sexism don't exist!
"I'm alright Jack" mentality at its finest!

Why would I get myself in a twist when
I’m ok
My female relatives are ok
My female colleagues are ok
And my female friends are ok

Why? I am a single working parent with no support network. I’m very busy and life is very full on.

What do you expect from me and my female friends / family in very similar positions?

And what are you doing despite posting on mumsnet?

I expect you not to talk bullshit. But you do you hun…

Goodness!

Sorry OP I haven't rtft as it was getting quite heated, so apologies if this has been said. Childcare is much trickier when your child is school aged and you have to plan before/after school and holidays. Combined with being out the workforce, this can be overwhelming for lots of people trying to return to work. Personally I was happier working part time from the start and continuing at school age. Part of my identity comes from that. It's OK to feel that way. You can see how the first year or two goes and review from there. You might love being a SAHM and it might outweigh the positives of work for you.